Third Party partner?

Alright, so this is an odd situation the way I see it.

First a bit of background: She works Tuesday am - Thursday pm and is gone for that time period.

Lately, for the last month or so, our sex life has been a lot slower than what I consider the norm.

A while back, my fiancee seriously told me that "I could have another girlfriend if I had wanted"

I explained that I would NEVER even consider it let alone actually do it. She said she knew.

Then last night, we were talking about our sex life a little and I joked with her about "getting another girl for just sex" and she said word for word "Sex is just sex, unless there is emotion involved"

I didn't know what to think of it so I let it slip past.

Then she went on to say, again, verbatim, "I feel guilty when I don't give you sex at least once a week". That sentence sort of struck a chord - I mean, sex, in a healthy relationship isn't given, is it? I thought it was had and enjoyed. I told her she shouldn't feel guilty - if she's not in the mood, then she's not in the mood. (I can't seem to get her there either, all efforts are fruitless)

But today, after work - during our normal evening telephone conversation I had asked her what she meant by the whole "sex is just sex" comment. Basically, she was laying it on the table - saying that IF I wanted to do just that - get another girl for just sex, I could.

She explained that she in no way expected me to offer her the same "freedom".

I'll be honest - I'm a bit left of center even thinking about what she's "allowed" me to do. Again, i'll re-iterate that I would never even seriously think about sleeping with another woman - she's the only woman for me and I let her know that again.

I began to talk about how an engagement (we're engaged, btw) is a commitment to one another and she said that a healthy sex life is important and a non-active sex life could tear a relationship apart.

She explained that - if on some later date - we ever "lose sexual interest" in one another but still want to continue our relationship - she would rather me find another woman to sleep with, than to lose me altogether.

Hmm...

I asked her if she was losing sexual interest in me and she said absolutely not. But - with the lack of sex and all of her thinking about losing sexual interest in each other - a saying comes to mind... "If the shoe fits..."

I don't really know what to think about this - I mean, I've never thought about the concept of losing sexual interest in her but she's already planned out what *I* should do if either she loses interest in me, or vice versa.

Bizarre situation

Is this a way for her to try and tell me something? The more I think about it... the more I think she's not-so-subtly telling me that she is losing interest in me.

It sounds like she is suffering low self-esteem, possibly because of a loss of sexual desire, because when women tell their boyfriends they'd be okay with him getting another girlfriend for sex, they usually don't mean it. They usually say it because they feel guilty and really care for the guy.

Is it possible she is suffering a loss of desire due to a physical or psychological reason, rather than losing interest in you? You don't mention her age. Is she old enough that menopause is a likely possibility? Is she on birth control or other medications? Those things can reduce desire. Is something bothering her, that you know of? Depression and stress can definitely cause low libido.

She probably should talk to her gynecologist, who might be able to determine the cause of her lack of desire. S/he may also be able to help increase that desire.

I really wish you and her luck.

Well, the possibility of a loss of desire due to physical discomfort is there. For several months she has been telling me that sometimes it hurts when we have sex.

I told her to tell me when this happens and we'll make it stop - she's never interrupted and said "Hey i'm in pain" so I don't know ...

She's 24 and I am 29.

That I know of - There is nothing bothering her. Although we recently had a discussion (about a month and a half ago) about seperating and how she was seriously considering it so she could go out and party, get shiftfaced and have the option to be promiscuous (This leads me to believe that she wants to be sexual with someone other than me). Not that we don't go out or anything.. so I don't know where this stemmed from.

But she concluded that she would be better off staying with me because the things she wanted were so small and unimportant that when they became dull, she would be left with "nothing" in her words.

After that - we as a couple have been good, no real issues popped up and from what she tells me and what I gather, there is nothing wrong.

While there could be an underlining reason for her lack of interest in sex right now and to why she feels that you may need more sex than she does or will in the future - I have to say that some couples (partners) are ok with there being a third party in the relationship as long as they are your main love and the source of your emotional bonding.

I personally do not see how a relationship can survive in the long run with a third party being involved, but then again thats me... my husband feels the same way.

I do believe there are reasons for her lack of interest at the moment, but even directly asking her about it doesn't help the question "what?" become more clear.

I agree - I don't see how a committed and healthy relationship could stay committed and healthy if a third party were involved. The only path I see a third party sexual partner leading toward is that of jealousy and eventually a storm of negative emotion for all three parties involved.

At this point, i'm still stumped as to why she would even suggest this as a realistic option - seriously, she wasn't kidding around.

I want to be able to discuss this with her, but I don't want to come off as pushy on the issue. She just says she doesn't know why she has this lack of sex drive, it's just there and theres nothing else to be said. However, from my point of view - sex is a pretty integral part of most any committed romantic relationship - definitely not the glue that binds the relationship but still important from my view. If there is a problem - there has to be a solution.

Is it possible that she doesn't see her low sex drive as a problem? Maybe it's not a problem and i'm just a nympho.

Am I putting too much emphasis on sex?

I think she really needs to talk to you, and possibly a professional (physical or mental, or both), but if she won't talk to you, you have to choose if you want to stay with her with this hanging over you, or if you would be better off moving on.

Many women don't consider a low or no sex drive a problem. I don't know why--I consider it a problem--but I have heard this on talk shows and read it in magazines where they polled women. I think it comes from the way women are taught about sex and how they feel about it, vs. how men learn and feel about it.

It's not unusual for members of a couple to have differing sex drives. If one wants it more, and the other wants it less, they have to try to come to a compromise, or one has to give up or give in (which can lead to resentment), or break up.

As for being a nympho, I doubt it. While people use it to refer to women who want too much sex, there is no actual definition of what is "too much." Having a high sex drive is only a problem if it causes problems for you, such as neglecting things you should have as a higher priority (such as family, work, relationships) in preference of having sex, putting yourself in danger (having unprotected sex or sleeping with lots of strangers), or something like that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with putting an emphasis on sex, if it's important to you.

I agree with Maven on this. I would also like to say that if she is experiencing pain she will not want it. From what you said about her wanting to separate might have something to do with this. I'm not saying that she wants to leave you. I'm just saying that I think there is more bothering her then what she is telling you. When I was in my 20's I was very insecure, and this played a big role on my relationship with my husband. (ex now) I'm not trying to sound stupid on this, but have you heard of KY Jelly? This helps a lot. You can find it at Walmart or any pharmacy. If you go to Walmart I think it is by the drug products, or the female stuff. If you know some of her friends maybe they can give you some info about what is bothering her. Hope this helps.

i think you posted a similar thread in the relationships forum a month or so back, yes? if so, i think you mentioned that you get pretty regular sex friday through to sunday, and sometimes even on a monday. my thoughts were that she was simply tired having worked tues-thurs, and that sex on a friday, sat, sun (and possibly mon) is above norm for a couple . the average (here in australia, anyway) is twice a week.

the other thing is that you seemed to be having issues with her hanging out with some of the people she worked with (her clients). it seemed to be a pretty big issue between both you and her a while back, and i wonder if it ever got resolved. i personally didnt see a problem with the behaviour you were describing of her, so i wonder if her wanting to "break free" and go get drunk and be promiscuous is a sort of rebellion against you kind of "controlling" who she can and can't socialise with? does she get time to go out with her friends alone, or a regular basis? or is thurs night through to mon night usually spent doing couple-y things with just the two of you, or socialising together with other people? i am not saying that you are being controlling and not allowing her to see other people, but it is easy to fall into that pattern and forget to break out of it. it certainly was something that bothered me a lot when i was with my ex, but because it was a pattern (it crept up on us gradually) it was difficult to be like "ok, i'm making an effort to have a social life apart from you". i think it's an important thing for a relationship to survive, especially (maybe?) when you are younger. because you don't want to feel like you are missing out on growing up with your peers (i'm 24 now too).

Yeah, I did post a thread about our sex life becoming "routine". As in theres no real surprise to it.. it just happens on certain days.

Those problems that you are talking about are from last october (in 2008) and they did get resolved between us - Now that this client (who isn't her client, by the way - he was from another residence) openly tells people that she is in love with him, she's even admitted she let that go way too far. We talked about it - it's been forgiven & in the process of being forgotten.

Regardless of whether you saw any indescretions in her behaviour or not, believe me.. she was breaking the law!

I am not a control freak. She's free to hang w/whom she likes.

Our time together is either just us or with other friends. Just this past weekend we went to a bon-fire with a bunch of people she works with and other friends and had a great time.

She hangs out w/those friends quite a bit when i'm at work or with my friends. Typically, thursday night - she comes home and that's that. She doesn't want to do anything (understandably so).

Friday - i'm at work all day - unless we have plans to do something that evening (shop, go on a date, etc) she'll typically go hang w/her friends and be home by 6-6:30 for dinner. Usually, she cooks or we buy something, but I cook every now and again. (For the record, I don't ask her to be home at that time.. thats her choice. i'm very capable of making dinner for myself & for others when needed - thats her choice to make)

Saturday - See above.

Sunday we're usually spending lounging around the house together, playing games (monopoly, skipbo, or something on our xbox or ps3), watching movies from netflix or whatever, just hangin' out. Sometimes, we'll go browse at stores to see things we may need/want in the future. Things liek that.

Monday - See Friday.

I dont think that i'm a controlling person and I really don't believe she would stand for it if i were.

At any rate - we've been doing pretty good as a couple for a while (minus the whole seperation discussion) - The whole third party sex partner issue is new and confusing. I don't know what to make of it.

P.S

For the next week - she's out of town w/her mother. They're helping her grandmother move from A to B and taking some leisure time for themselves to spend together - and will be gone until Sunday. Maybe the time apart will do us some good.

Later this month - She and I are going on vacation (as we do every year)

I like to think we have a good circle of friends and we keep in touch w/our families and I dont think either of us are being constricted on our social lives.. For the most part though, my friends are hers too and vice versa.