Problems getting in the mood

So it happened again. I got upset bc my bf still doesn't want sex. I don't get it I really dont know what to do.

Last night we went to bed together and we we're laying together and started kissing him and he went with it he kissed me back little bit of tongue and everything. He did get hard too. Cuz I felt it then I touched it, But anyway he ends up saying okay lets just get it over with!!!
I didn't want to do that. That just makes me feel like ****. So I got mad and stomped out of the room. I came back and I said what is wrong what is the problem now. I've tried so hard not to push it on you and to not be clingy. And you we're turned on so what is the problem. He says I wasn't turned on just bc its hard doesn't mean I'm turned on..... He says maybe he needs mental viagara cuz he can't get in the mood... I just don't know what to do. I want to beg him to go off suboxone. But I feel like he will probably relapse if he does. Does anyone know how to deal with this??? Relationship wise or getting off the meds alltogether????

Hmm, it seems to me that there are some serious communication necessary here. If he's physcially able to complete the act, what is it that is stopping him mentally? What is his input?

I think that asking him to do something that isn't in his best interest (going off meds) really isn't being a supportive gf. It sounds like there is something else going on.

Hopefully I can make a suggestion. Is it perhaps that he may be simply bored with what the 2 of you normally do. Maybe try something a bit different, some role playing, maybe a little light bondage,

and sometimes it can be things you do out of the bedroom as well. Maybe cook him a meal that you do not normally eat at home. Offer a massage with scented oils... and so on. Sometimes guys are more receptive if they feel the partner is doing things for his pleasure as well as hers and vice versa..

I know asking him to go off the meds isn't good but that's what the issue is he feels anyway.... I asked him to talk to me about it because i dont understand what is going on and he says he cant explain it to me bc he doesn't understand it himself. He hates talking about he says that makes it worse so its kind of like i dont know what else to do other than try to get him off the meds. which will happen eventually but i dont know when.
A while after all this happened last night he had his arms around me and said he's sorry so i think he knows how much it bothers me but i don't know what else to do.

Tim I wish it was that easy. It's been over month since we've had sex so I know it's not that he's bored, and I'm more "adventurous" than he is anyway.... We don't live together and i have kids... And he lives an hour drive away. I do make him dinner everytime he is here. And i will rub his back and scratch it and all that. He just says he has no libido.... And that even he doesn't understand why he is affected this way.

A lot of drugs can cause issues with libido, and have strange effects on how we perceive things neurologically. Suboxone in particular is used to block the effects of opioids in addicts as a way of breaking the cycle of addiction - I don't know why your boyfriend is taking it and I won't make assumptions, I'm just talking about how the drug works. I'm not a doctor but I understand a little about how brain chemicals work, and similar feel-good chemicals to the opioids are produced by the brain naturally (which is why opiates are so addictive in the first place). It's possible that suboxone is also blocking his absorbtion of his own feel-good brain chemicals and reducing his general enjoyment of activities that would normally cause a release of those chemicals, such as sex.

What is happening is not your fault. It has nothing to do with a lack of attraction to you, so don't worry about that either. I know what it is like to be with a low-libido partner, and have also gone through libido issues my self with other drugs. It can really put a strain on your relationship, and on your self-image.

He is on this drug for a reason, his prescribing doctor knows what they are doing and stopping this particular drug could have serious consequences - there is a high risk of severe withdrawal, in some cases causing death. Please do not pressure him to go off of the drug. If he does feel that he wants to be off the drug, he needs to discuss this with his doctor and talk about a plan for tapering off of the drug, and possibly replacing it in the end. Opiates themselves can have this effect on sexual functioning:

http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/...ract/137/8/909

Suboxone is its self half opioid, half opioid inhibitor, which is why it is used to treat addiction to opiates. It reduces the craving and "sickness" (withdrawal) that comes from not getting your fix on time, while also stopping your body from feeling the high that comes from the opiate in the first place. If your boyfriend is using Suboxone for this reason, it is really important that he continue with his treatment, or he may relapse, and right now getting better is more important than your sexual issues, as I'm sure you would agree.

He may also be using Suboxone to control pain. If this is the case, he can discuss other options with his doctor that may stop this sexual side effect.

This doesn't have to be forever. With clear communication about each other's needs, and some understanding on your part, you can get through this as a couple. It will take time and perserverance. In the mean time, I urge you to talk to a counsellor your self about the feelings you are having dealing with the situation, and discuss ways for you to get through this without feeling hurt, to be able to be a better support to him at this time. He can express his love in other ways.

I wish both of you the best of luck! Take care.

Thank you pink lotus.
He had an addiction to pain pills that got very bad. He went off of them sometime last spring before i knew him, and was put on suboxone. He wanted off of it before his dr thought he was ready but he said he would be fine and he went off, and you guessed it he started using pain pills again but not at the same extent as originally. all that happened in the fall when his gf of 3 years up and moved across the country. We met in january he was using pain pills still.... He started suboxone again in March. I hate this stuff I didn't realize how much it would change him. But I also am happy he's on it bc it gives me some hope that he will be off everything someday....This time around though hes not seeing a dr which i hate but he cant afford it, and u guessed it suboxone is available on the streets. From the same place he was getting the pain meds he was abusing. I have fallen in love and sometimes I just need to have the connection you get from sex when it feels like you can block the whole world out for a little while and just be with eachother. Hopefully my kids father will be taking the boys on Sunday and my bf and I can have sometime alone to talk about all of this. But it's really hard to talk to him about it because he feels the more he talks about it the more turned off he gets. I try not to push the whole issue on him but it's hard

Amy has he always been this way? Has he specifically said that his libido decreased as a result of taking the meds? Perhaps there are other issues that you’re not aware of that he’s not willing to discuss at this point and it’s easier to blame the meds.

I do know that when one partner is having issues (usually the woman) therapists suggest that there is intimacy without sex period. Even if there is arousal, the partner with issues needs to know that the contact is enough, that there will be no pressure to go further. His response “lets just get it over with” says to me that the reason he’s been avoiding the cuddling and physical contact (previous threads) is because you push it to the next level.

If you’re going to have a healthy relationship you need to get to the root of the problem rather than trying to address the symptoms.

AAAAA
No he hasn't always been this way it's probably been the last 2 or 3 months. When we first started dating we had sex everytime we were together sometimes more than once. But he was still using pain meds which i think not only made him more in the mood but may have also made him last longer.... He started the suboxone in march and it's kinda gone down since then.

We talked some about this and he said that before he ever started pain meds, he was a once or twice a week guy and that was it. so he said he's not gonna want it all the time even off this med. Which is fine with me because trust me some nights I think how many hours of sleep will I get if i try to have sex first and I just think screw it I'm sleeping.

Maybe me wanting affection from him does make him feel that way, that I'm gonna want more and I feel like maybe I do try to get it to go to more when we do, But I think I do that cuz I figure one of these times it will happen.

I'm gonna try to talk to him this weekend, and figure out something that will make him not feel like he has to have sex but also make me feel like I'm still wanted.... But I feel like just having that conversation is probably going to be hard for him.

I understand the loneliness that can come from a lack of physical intimacy, and the feelings of doubt that can arise because of it. I also understand how difficult it is to talk about with your partner, and why it makes him shy away from the subject even more. The key is to be understanding and not accusatory, which unfortunately means putting your feelings aside a bit. This is definitely difficult to do. Right now you need to focus more on enjoying each other's company and being a support to each other. Try doing things you both enjoy and spend time on other aspects of your relationship to take the stress out of the situation. I hope he is as supportive of you as you are of him.

As I and others have said, physical intimacy is a lot more than just sex, and it is very necessary to feel healthy.

I'm so sorry that money is an issue, it compounds the problem. Right now it is probably better that he is using Suboxone than what ever he was on before, but buying it illegally could have consequences for both of you. Is it possible that he could get treatment through a free clinic? Check the internet or phone book to see if such a thing exists in your area.

I hope you will find a way through this together.

Pink lotus thank you agin for your help. I didn't really think about him being able to get them from a clinic. I dont know if they have that here... Mostly the health department clinics are just for Birth control and that stuff. But I know he wanted to go back to his Dr for the support part of it too. And now i wonder if the mental health department could at least help with that part of it for him. He has no health insurance through his employer so that's knid of keeping him from going. And any state plan here even if you are paying th premiums don't cover substance abuse programs. Which really sucks... He is very good with my issues too, he doesn't really get mad at me never yells when we get in arguments, and he's awesome wiht my kids, so yeah I will keep supporting him. I just hope it gets easier soon.......Oh by the way no one else in his family or group of friends know that he relapsed onto the pain meds and is taking this stuff again. So he only has me to help him.

So now we have thrown a whole new thing into our issues. He's finally telling me he's depressed, that he doesn't feel like caring about anything. And that he's not sure if this is a good time for him to be in a relationship. but he says he doesnt want to hurt me he's just telling me how he feels. i told him i cant take us breaking up and that i will support him. I asked if im being selfish by wanting to keep him, and he's says it not selfish to want what i want..... I just really hope we can make it through this. Because when i think about it being over my heart just breaks and i'm crying while i'm writing this. I need help i need to know how to help him....

So the cause rears it’s ugly head. I’m really sorry. I wish I had some good advice for you, I’ve battled depression for as long as I can remember and I really can’t say that anything works. The only thing you can do is be there for him when he needs you. My husband has been a very selfless individual over the years. Patience, patience, patience, infinite understanding and more patience.

I'm gonna try my hardest to help him and be patient and just be strong for him and for us. I know it's gonna be the hardest thing for me... I really so much on him and us to keep myself happy. So I may end up needing more support and suggestions. But thank you for caring!!!

I hope you are able to work thru this with him. Please also remember to take care of yourself and to tell him that sometimes you need him to be there for you too. Again I hope all works out well.

Thank you to everyone for caring. I feel like I can talk to my best friend, and she does understand some of this. She told me today that her dad has issues with depression and sometimes he's good and others he's not. And that maybe my bf is just having a bad time right now. But it does help me to have all of you to help me with this. It gives me another place to ask for support and suggestions. And if it ends up that we dont work out I will have somewhere to talk when my heart is breaking. I really feel as though I've never been in love like I am now. And I'm gonna need all the help I can to help him and get both of us through this. I really think about our furture and I want the best for him and I hope all the time that the dreams he has will happen. And I will be so proud of him.

Okay i think i'm rambling sorry.