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krzyk101
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Frown Jul 23, 2009 at 01:08 AM
  #1
Hi, I have not been around for a while or lurking reading some posts and things and well I am starting to ponder the fact that I may spend the remainder of my life alone with no Life Partner. I also live in a small rural town or city that is very much haters of anyone gay, lesbian or even racial origins.

I guess now in my late 30's I worry. I hate that I was born gay and have come to terms that I believe I am strictly gay and feel at times very alone and lonely as I have no gay friends and at the same time I am in the closet for the most part.

My mother outed me to the entire church and community in whole way back 20 years ago when I was young. I still find her hating me for this and we have not ever talked about any of my former gay relationships or guys I was dating.

I to be honest have been in love only like twice in my life. I was in love at the age of 19 and it was a long and dragged out battle of secrecy and verbal and physical abuse (I never talked back or hit back I was the victom and now a survivor). There was never any real romance and I was so much in love that even though he had a gf the last 9 months we had contact, the sex stopped and that was ok with me but then I began to develop the schizophrenia and other mental illness by age of 21yo so ended up in a hospital only not before going off my rocker at the age pre hospitalization age of 21 where I went on a binge of one night stands and on off lovers.

I then thought I would never fall in love again untill the number 2 man I was with for over 4 years and still today we try to have some sort of long distance friendship as he is now proclaimed and I believe him as straight, while I hate myself for even being gay and admitting I am gay. This relationship was also very on and off. I was always willing to take him back and our romance was very odd as he remained impitant during the entire duration of our relationship.

So now over 7 or more years have passed since I have romantically been with a man and am pretty much old and celebite. I am schizoaffective and OCD and find that I have a difficult time mainting friendships with the same sex, even though I know that my best frind is straight, I can't help but sometimes having fantasies of being a couple. I am not a forceful person and want what he wants and that is a woman for him to give him children and yet I worry. I feel like I know that just as I feel I was born gay he was born straight and so the fact that I am some love with him, but not to the point that I would do anything to hurt him by sabatoging a hetero relationship for him and he would not do that to me either.

Yet I find myself hating myself for at times during the extreme highs of the illness that do not come around that often, to wait for the fantasy or moment of feeling I am in love with him to pass and get back down to reality. This false feeling of being in love only adds to my self hatred of being attracted to the same sex. Is there anyone else who struggles with short term feeling like maybe they are in love with a straight friend and worry that they would break the friendship forever if they know you have these feeelings sometimes? Do you hate yourself if yes or if you are ok do you have any advise. I am confused and unsure and very insecure already and at times wonder if I am actually a woman trapped in a mans body.

Thank you for reading this and any advise that is not cruel or hatefull would be appreciated. kk101

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Default Jul 23, 2009 at 02:04 AM
  #2
I have been at another site at which the threads of who is gay and not gay come up quite often. Also, there are many people who answer that they are gay and I would say that about 90% are comfortable with who they are.

As I am a straight male I cannot claim to understand what you are going through but your main concern seems to be that you hate yourself for being gay and for that I am truly sorry. No reason to feel that way, but many of the gay men I became friends with had similar feelings and many dealt with it by moving to a more acceptable gay community.

I don't suppose there is any possibility of moving to another area which is more accepting of gays and might therefore give you some relief in this regard. Regardless, you are an adult male who should not have to worry about what others think. You have a solid grasp on the boundaries which exist with your straight friends.

Have you had any therapy for any of your issues? If not, perhaps it's worth a try. This society is so unforgiving that it boggles the mind and all we can do is try and sort out our issues within our own skin at the very least.

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Default Jul 23, 2009 at 09:47 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by krzyk101 View Post
Hi, I have not been around for a while or lurking reading some posts and things and well I am starting to ponder the fact that I may spend the remainder of my life alone with no Life Partner. I also live in a small rural town or city that is very much haters of anyone gay, lesbian or even racial origins.

I guess now in my late 30's I worry. I hate that I was born gay and have come to terms that I believe I am strictly gay and feel at times very alone and lonely as I have no gay friends and at the same time I am in the closet for the most part.

My mother outed me to the entire church and community in whole way back 20 years ago when I was young. I still find her hating me for this and we have not ever talked about any of my former gay relationships or guys I was dating.

I to be honest have been in love only like twice in my life. I was in love at the age of 19 and it was a long and dragged out battle of secrecy and verbal and physical abuse (I never talked back or hit back I was the victom and now a survivor). There was never any real romance and I was so much in love that even though he had a gf the last 9 months we had contact, the sex stopped and that was ok with me but then I began to develop the schizophrenia and other mental illness by age of 21yo so ended up in a hospital only not before going off my rocker at the age pre hospitalization age of 21 where I went on a binge of one night stands and on off lovers.

I then thought I would never fall in love again untill the number 2 man I was with for over 4 years and still today we try to have some sort of long distance friendship as he is now proclaimed and I believe him as straight, while I hate myself for even being gay and admitting I am gay. This relationship was also very on and off. I was always willing to take him back and our romance was very odd as he remained impitant during the entire duration of our relationship.

So now over 7 or more years have passed since I have romantically been with a man and am pretty much old and celebite. I am schizoaffective and OCD and find that I have a difficult time mainting friendships with the same sex, even though I know that my best frind is straight, I can't help but sometimes having fantasies of being a couple. I am not a forceful person and want what he wants and that is a woman for him to give him children and yet I worry. I feel like I know that just as I feel I was born gay he was born straight and so the fact that I am some love with him, but not to the point that I would do anything to hurt him by sabatoging a hetero relationship for him and he would not do that to me either.

Yet I find myself hating myself for at times during the extreme highs of the illness that do not come around that often, to wait for the fantasy or moment of feeling I am in love with him to pass and get back down to reality. This false feeling of being in love only adds to my self hatred of being attracted to the same sex. Is there anyone else who struggles with short term feeling like maybe they are in love with a straight friend and worry that they would break the friendship forever if they know you have these feeelings sometimes? Do you hate yourself if yes or if you are ok do you have any advise. I am confused and unsure and very insecure already and at times wonder if I am actually a woman trapped in a mans body.

Thank you for reading this and any advise that is not cruel or hatefull would be appreciated. kk101

kk101

The picture you paint is not a happy one, I am truly sorry. I have no real words of wisdom to offer but friendship and understanding I have plenty. I do indeed understand well the situation you are in as I was brought up in a very rural, conservative society and it was very difficult. I hated myself only because everyone seemed to hate me so I guessed that was the right validation for myself. However this hatred I soon realised through the help of a very good therapist was actually anger incorrectly expressed. The fact that your mother outed you to your local community must have been very challenging and dismaying at such a young age....how could you cope to be betrayed like that, it would appear perfectly natural to me that you would be angry.

Your two relationships were both difficult, it would seem that they were very much sexual in nature and in the end unrequited, it is perfectly natural to feel lonely and isolated even if you lived in a big cosmopolitan city. You come across as a well thought out and sound person, you justify this by showing no bitterness towards your friend and would never out him, which says a lot about you.

I got out, that was my way out. I moved to a big city thankfully at a young age and eventually got involved in the gay scene and found a safe and welcoming environment that validated me and I could then deal with my anger and lack of self respect.

No, you are not a woman trapped in a mans body, you are and sound 100% male. You are a good person who has been dealt a few bad cards in life. I cant advise you what to do, short of taking a few breaks from your environment and visiting more welcoming areas where gay life is the norm and just feeling like who you really are. Your age means nothing, I am 44 and I am looking forward to many more years so dont say that you are past it. Life does begin at 40!! Gay people do live mundane ordinary life just like anyone else, but it is easier to do so in a less hostile environment.

You have made a good start to post here, I suspect deep down inside you dont really hate yourself but are a frightened and deeply misunderstood person who has never been able to express the real person that you are.

I am here so please PM me anytime, I am here to listen.

Paddy
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Default Jul 24, 2009 at 04:11 PM
  #4
Hello Lechim and thank you for the kind reply.

I am really feeling or going through a time in life right now filled with not only issues of sexuality but issues of undermedicated, learning to be more open minded and am and have be mentally decomponsating and continuing to as well as physically uncertain and speak not much of all of it and really am trying to get out of the past religious preoccupation that has also stopped me from being real.

I guess in a summary I reallly am lost and worry excessive and have many fears of abandonment and loss of those I do care very much about. I really am a mess at the moment or getting better a bit at a time. As better as better can get thanks again. kk101

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Red face Jul 24, 2009 at 04:30 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by paddym22 View Post
kk101

The picture you paint is not a happy one, I am truly sorry. I have no real words of wisdom to offer but friendship and understanding I have plenty. I do indeed understand well the situation you are in as I was brought up in a very rural, conservative society and it was very difficult. I hated myself only because everyone seemed to hate me so I guessed that was the right validation for myself. However this hatred I soon realised through the help of a very good therapist was actually anger incorrectly expressed. The fact that your mother outed you to your local community must have been very challenging and dismaying at such a young age....how could you cope to be betrayed like that, it would appear perfectly natural to me that you would be angry.

Your two relationships were both difficult, it would seem that they were very much sexual in nature and in the end unrequited, it is perfectly natural to feel lonely and isolated even if you lived in a big cosmopolitan city. You come across as a well thought out and sound person, you justify this by showing no bitterness towards your friend and would never out him, which says a lot about you.

I got out, that was my way out. I moved to a big city thankfully at a young age and eventually got involved in the gay scene and found a safe and welcoming environment that validated me and I could then deal with my anger and lack of self respect.

No, you are not a woman trapped in a mans body, you are and sound 100% male. You are a good person who has been dealt a few bad cards in life. I cant advise you what to do, short of taking a few breaks from your environment and visiting more welcoming areas where gay life is the norm and just feeling like who you really are. Your age means nothing, I am 44 and I am looking forward to many more years so dont say that you are past it. Life does begin at 40!! Gay people do live mundane ordinary life just like anyone else, but it is easier to do so in a less hostile environment.

You have made a good start to post here, I suspect deep down inside you dont really hate yourself but are a frightened and deeply misunderstood person who has never been able to express the real person that you are.

I am here so please PM me anytime, I am here to listen.

Paddy
Thank you Paddy I am hoping to move someday in the next year to a larger city with my best friend and though scary I am barely able to stand the existance of the like drone of the a 'statford wive's' type of person, except opressed and wish to decided that if in several years back I have been more unfittin in with the folks of the rural life of crap.

Soon, Soon , very soon the good things are going to come towards all people like you and all here that are kind nice and not so much of all, I am not sure about having a level head on my shoulders, just that there is something on my neck with hair and a reflection in the mirror that looks a bit older than it did just a few moments ago. In physical years I might be 486 years old but in all I am ready for my best friend and I and the Hula girl on the dash to hit the highway of traveled dreams even if no known immediate destination is or known.

I am tired and thank you and hope that nothing said was insulting as it was not at all intended at all. I am a bit retarded very mildly or develpmetnally disabled or you get the drift I hope.

Peace out and thanx again kk101

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Default Jul 24, 2009 at 06:57 PM
  #6
(((((krzyk101))))) I am SO sorry that your mother treated you that way. My son is gay. I’m so happy that our relationship is so good that when he decided to tell us it was like “oh, by the way, in case you didn’t know I’m gay, are you finished with those potatoes?” I worry every second of every day about him because of the hate in this world. I’m so sorry your parents have failed to teach you the most valuable lesson, unconditional love and support.

At the risk of breaking the site guidelines, it is my own belief that we are as God created us. I could no more be offended that my son was born gay than I could that he gave me three boys and one girl. In my own opinion God is love and anyone spreading hate and intolerance in his name has the wrong message.

I don’t have any clever words but please take some time to learn to love yourself. Until you’re comfortable in your own skin you won’t be able to find a healthy relationship.

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Default Jul 25, 2009 at 05:48 AM
  #7
Hi krzyk101, I don't think we've met on the boards before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by krzyk101 View Post
This false feeling of being in love only adds to my self hatred of being attracted to the same sex.
It sounds to me as if you may be dealing with two entirely different issues here: (1.) that at times you feel as you're in love with someone even though you recognize that they're not the most suitable (for you) choice of someone to be in love with; and (2.) that you don't think you should be attracted to people of the same sex even though you are.

As nearly as I can make out, self-hatred comes from wishing you were some way that you're not. The solution is not necessarily to become the way you wish you were; it could just as easily be to stop wishing and let yourself be.

What's the "Hated Here" part? I don't remember ever noticing anyone here hating on you and it doesn't seem as though they'd get away with it for long if they did.
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Default Jul 25, 2009 at 10:04 AM
  #8
I don't have any significant pearls of wisdom to add, it's been summed up quite well.

But, I would encourage you to become an active part of the community here at PC. By participating, you may gain additional personal insight as a result.
Give it a try, you never know!

Peace to you, my rainbow brother!

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Default Jul 29, 2009 at 10:48 PM
  #9
Well, the whole friend thing, is well, could be a big risk to your friendship. Your friend being straight, thinks of you as just another guy. But you really have romantic feeling for him. I found out my best friend is queer than a three dollar bill and well, he likes me in that way. Me? He's still my friend and I could care less if he's gay or not. I love him like a brother. I always had wondered that he may have been gay because he'd always talk about a woman he'd be seeing in Dallas, and one day I said, man if she's that special to you, bring her down so I can meet her. Anyway, maybe it's best for you to leave that town. I mean, there's plenty of places that except gays. I wished I could help you out, I know it's gotta be terrible for you, like it was my friend. But I am different, I have an open mind and don't judge. Just be careful.

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Thumbs up Jul 31, 2009 at 02:19 AM
  #10
Hi Lemeesee,

I know it would maybe seem that I have never came out to my best friend but he has known I am gay from the day we met. It is hard at times as he likes alot of things and sports and such or is more manly than I but in all I am not lustfully into him and I do love him but not really in love so much in a way that I want to 'be' with him. I would like to someday get out of this town and until then I am thankfull to have my friends support.

Im glad to know that there is someone else out there who has a gay frind and is straight. I worry at times I am falling in love with him, but understand that just cant be.

Thanks for the support,
kk101

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