opinions?

this all started over 2 years ago. when we moved from our house on july 18 2007. i felt as though my identity had been lost as my whole life and safe have had been taken away. i felt very strange about everything and was very upset and would take any oppurtunity to point out the worst part of my new surroundings. one of the best reasons i loved my old house was that it was a safe haven where i could get away from all the kids i didnt like at school. before we moved it was the best summer ever. i was transferring to a new school where my best friend went to i was going to bunch of parties with older kids and i was doing very well at lacrosse. needless to say the move hurt all that. before the summer i attened a small redneck high school wheere i was repeatedly teased for being smart and articulate and was called a fagot persistently. this didnt really bother me except when people began to believe it. i always took pride in knowing who i was and never really was homophobic. however that school year i became more and more homophobic just to try to fit in(how messed up is that). i felt as though at home i could be myself and not have to put on a show and act like a crazy right wing idiot at school. simply put i could be myself at home. but when we moved the **** hit the fan. first off the house was one third as big as my old house. every cramped part pf the house became a constant reminder that things wouldnt be the same. eventually in my state of loss of identity i somehow got the idea that i was gay. this isnt a case where i had some gay repressed memory or anything like that. i just one day called myself a fagot probly out of anger and it planted some sort of seed. perhaps the combination of my anger and confusion towards moving directed at my growing homophobia caused it. i became paranoid that i was gay. ordinarily i suppose anyone would be able to shake these thoughts but during a state of doom anger and confusion i was in i couldnt escape it. at first i didnt believe it but more and more i vecame scared i was gay. in a way it sorta reinforced my idea of "i have moved life is going to suck nothing will be the same". i was a kid who used my imagination tons i loved to make up stories in my head and stuff and make them so vivid and cool. like an action story that went along with a rock song and stuff like that. however once i became terrified i was gay, all that went to ****. one of my favorite stories was me racing a car i always thought about it while listening to rock musoic. but my ****ed up mind got a hold of that. the shifter became a penis and that was when **** got real bad. i thought omg a penis i must be gfay if im having these problems. then it felt like a black cloud entered over my mind. my fear of being gay eclipsed everything. masturbation became impossible as i always pictured girls with penises becuase i couldnt get the idsea outa my head that i was gay. i began to feel this cloud in my head get heavier and heavier the more i believed it. by the time school started in september i was freaking out. all at the same time it made me feel more depressed about moving becaudse all this bad **** had happened. by late september i was desperate to fix myself. i ended up making it worse. if iwasnt thinking about penises i was obseeing over touching them with my left hand because im a lefty and that sorta psychological energy/fear would dissipate from my head and shook into my left arm, causing it to feel very jolty and made me think i wanted to touch penises which reaaly made me believe full on i was gay or bisexual. then that energy began to manifest into my head in the sense that i would feel a rush go into my head and exprience a euphoria when i thought about anything gay. here it got worse because i then i began obsessing over my best friend which made me furious. i thought oh you two are best friends so you must be gay for him. though i knew this wasnt true and have no physical attraction to him or any man i began to obsess over being gay for my best friend. i began to channel that euphoria in my head to react to thinking about anything ay related and then i convinced myself those are gay sex urges. and everytime i tried to say to myself this isnt real and make it temporarily stop, i would just find some psychological cue to start it all back up and strengthen my beleif i was gay. by february of 08 i began to experience this euphoria in my head over and over thinking it was a sexual arousal. by the end of march i couldnt deal woth it and tried to masturbate to the thought of my best friend. though i couldnt maintain an erection or get any real physical arousal the euphoria in my head was strong and the act alone made me feel extremely depressed and go into a deep depression where i debated suicide not because i was gay but because i knew i wasnt deep down but could **** myself up so bad **** like that could happen(keep in mind 95 percent of all of this happens when im sitting in my room and its always when im alone i never have beenn able to get into my head when im around people or away from my house its only when im alone). by the summer of 08 it became worse becuase whenever i had left my house previously and did anything as in school, interacting with people, etc, my head problems would go away and id feel whole again because i felt like me. however in the summer i spent most of my time in my house and began to obsess over my head euphoria which i full on believed was sexual arousal. it was awful. by the fall i just tried to block out all the head energy/euphoria/fear which is what it felt like. the sensation i felt that i thought was sexual arousal cusz i triggered it to go off whenever i was anything penis related or related to my best friend. that is actually how my belief me being gay grew because i everytime i triggered the euphoria sensation in my head i would think about how whatever penis i was looking at could belong to my best friend because i thought oh if hes ur best friend and ur gay obviously it seems that ur secretly attracted to him. so basically the only way for me to trigger the euphoria was to look at a penis or male body that i thought resembled the kid i was afriad i was gay for. now the euphoria sensation in my head that i thought was sexual arousal was similar in feeling to extreme fear or excitement, minus the increased heart rate. it was simply just a good feeling in my head and occcasionally my lower back. i have never been able to achieve or sustain an erection while staring at a penis and have never checked out a guy or anything like that because even then i found it gross because. essentially the only thing that i could do to trigger the euphoria or what i thought was gay attraction was to think about penises that looked like they could belong to my best friend because that was the only person i realistically was afraid of being attracted to cuz we were best friends. for most of the fall and winter of 2008 i just tried to block out all feeling of the euphoria which led to me going back to having the jolts in my left hand and seeing penises in my head for everyhting(microphones, swords, saws, stick shifters, fingers anyting). by late spring of 09 i began to just try to accept it wasnt real and move on however i couldnt and just kept restarting all over agin if i stopped. it wasnt until this summer where i realized all the illusion it was. as my hatred for this house has began to dissipate i find myself whenever i manage to escape my head feeling better and better. i have seperated the euphoria feeling and looking at penises. even when i looked at penises before i was physically revolted and my **** would remain limp but my brain still thought i was gay. now its kinda half and half i understand now that its not what im looking at it why im looking at it is what triggered my head. the penises themselves(lol) werent what was making me do it it was my belief that i was bisexual for my best friend and the fact that i had to stare at penises to see if i got aroused was enough to scare me into thinking i was gay and reinforce it. not its like off and on. by that i mean most of the time i feel normal but every now and again ill feel a jolt in my hand or see dicks in my head or occasionally make myself stare at a **** and make my head compare it to my friend and start up that energy in my brain. what i want to know it how do i take that final step and relinquish myself of my fear of being gay for my best friend and just move on and rid myself once and for all of that dark cloud over my head that is convinced im a homo?

Sounds like the move and trying to avoid how painful and uncomfortable for you that was got your head all in a mess. I had that happen a couple times after moves (this last one included). I would ask your parents if you could go see a counselor for awhile; just tell them you're having trouble adjusting to the latest move/new situations or something vague like that and see if you can't untangle some of this by talking with someone.

Sometimes when I allow myself to think about things, especially sexual things that are contrary to who I know myself to be, or that seem taboo, I can experience the kind of head rush or almost euphoria you seem to be describing. To me that is just a sign that I am 'flirting' with something unknown, or dangerous, or forbidden. The feeling itself can be quite seductive, but it does not really say anything about who I am, except that like all human beings, certain thoughts carry a kind of thrill with them. This is the kind of feeling some movie makers specialize in evoking in us. I guess the trick is to see it as just a feeling and not read anything more into it.