Polyamory/Open Relationships/Casual Sex

I have posted this in the relationships forum as well.

I am begging for advice. I have been trying everything I can to work things out with my X. He is on a journey of self-discovery these days, asking himself, and others, a lot of questions about what a relationship should look like, what works and what doesn't. He is realizing that it is a very individual thing, that what works for one person may not work for another. He is talking to people who have frequent casual sex, and a married couple who have sexual and emotional relationships outside of their marriage, and comparing those things to what he knows of monogamy.

The young woman who has casual sex was recently hurt by a partner who said he wanted to be exclusive with her. She developed feelings for him (apparently she had no feelings whatsoever for any of her other partners), and found that he was having sex with someone else. Now her heart is broken.

The married couple seems to be perfectly happy with their arrangement, and say that it is a matter of trust, that they will be loyal to each other. They sometimes bring friends into the bedroom, they consider it a "bonding" experience. I don't understand what loyalty even means in that kind of relationship; if they are open to having those feelings, and expressing them physically, with a person outside of their marriage, why would they get married in the first place? What exactly are they loyal to? I wish I could ask them these questions and have them realize that I am not trying to challenge their views, I am trying to challenge my own.

He also admits that many people are quite happy in monogamous relationships for their entire lives, but cites high divorce rates and frequency of affairs as reasons that monogamy doesn't work for everyone. I don't disagree. But I don't think that every open relationship is a happy one, or that every person who has nothing but casual sex is completely happy with it, though I am sure there are those who are.

He now says that he would be comfortable with his girlfriend kissing and cuddling someone else, but probably not doing anything sexual. This is a complete turnaround from when we were together. I find this almost offensive, not only because I would not want to do those things (my intimate feelings would be reserved for him), but because it would matter so little to him that I could have those feelings and express them for someone else. It makes what we share less special, and obviously not as important to him as it is to me. And I know it would hurt me a lot for him to do that, or even want to do that, with someone else.

He has also said that if he were to be in a committed monogamous relationship, even while he is not opposed to having an open relationship, he would respect his partner's needs and not do those things. I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to do those things with someone else, and the only reason they didn't is because I didn't want them to. It would be unfair for me to prevent them from doing something they wanted to do, first off, but it would also make me feel unimportant in their life if they wanted to have those things with someone else.

I have listed reasons for monogamy, including the fact that it is harder to trust five people than it is to trust one, that the risk of STDs and unwanted pregnancies multiplies with each partner, and that not everyone will be able to keep from feeling jealousy, or falling too far in love with a person and getting hurt by it when they don't reciprocate. There are just so many more chances for things to go wrong that it would be a huge decision to say that all of those risks are worth it. Risking your heart, mind and body on one person is enough for me.

He says he hasn't decided whether those risks are worth taking, and all I can do is stand by while he figures things out for himself. I know I love him... I just don't know if I can handle this. I have committed my self to seeing this through and it is exhausting. I often wonder if love is supposed to make you bash your brains out every day. Every once in a while I wonder whether I'm just an idiot.

We have also been discussing other aspects of sexual appropriateness, including fantasy and pornography, and whether they are appropriate while in a relationship. I haven't decided yet what I believe on those subjects. I know what my gut feeling is; I would feel like I was betraying my partner by looking at pornography or fantasizing about someone else unless it is not someone you know, a celebrity for instance, or some made-up character. I know this is really common and pretty normal, but it doesn't feel right to me. At the same time, if my partner were ok with it and didn't feel like it was a problem I don't know if I would mind either. I have even suggested in the past that we look at pornography together. I haven't decided yet whether I think it is right or wrong morally. I don't have any problem with those things outside of a relationship, no one is being betrayed. Until we got together I had pornographic images on my computer, and I deleted them when I developed feelings for him. There seems to be a bit of a grey area there, because it is not a physical thing, only images and imagination, fantasy. I also have no problem with prostitution by an adult, if it is in a legal and safe setting, with regular medical testing, always using protection, and that the worker is satisfactorily compensated. If they don’t like what they are doing, if they are doing it out of desperation for money or drugs, or against their will, it is abhorrent. Again, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who patronized a prostitute during our relationship.

The difference for me is between 'fantasizing' about doing something, and actually 'wanting' to do it. If he was presented with the opportunity to do something, and the only reason he didn't do that thing was fear of my reaction, he would be allowing me to choose his morals for him. I don't feel comfortable with that.

I'm trying to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who had sex or was emotionally intimate or physically affectionate with someone else, and I'm having a really difficult time with it. Physical connection is something that is important to me, and I am not comfortable with physical interaction with most people. I hug my close family and sometimes my friends, but it makes me uncomfortable occasionally, feeling like I am only doing it because it is expected of me. I really only feel comfortable physically with a partner I love, and I have a strong need to express my affection physically as often as possible, and an equally strong need to have that reciprocated. I'm also trying to imagine being in a relationship with someone I loved, and doing those things with other people, and it seems distasteful, but I'm trying to see past that to understand.

All of this is making me question my own feelings, and whether they are right or wrong. I don't want to be labled as merely a prude with a closed mind. I am struggling with whether jealousy is morally wrong, whether I am somehow weak or unenlightened for feeling it. I think that there is good jealousy and bad jealousy. Good jealousy would be guarding something special to you, and feeling that if that special thing were threatened you would try to protect it, and if you lost it you would be hurt by it. I don’t think that is a negative emotion, just a fact. Bad jealousy would be when your partner has made a promise to you, and has done everything they can to prove to you that the promise is true, but you still feel mistrustful, or feel the need to control aspects of your partner’s life out of your own fear of betrayal. They are both fears of getting your heart broken, I suppose, but one is damaging and the other is not. You can’t know love if what the person you love does, thinks or feels, doesn’t matter to you. How can what someone gives you be special if they give it to others as well? How can you love someone without fear of being hurt? How can you quantify your appreciation of a thing if you do not fear losing it? That is martyrdom, something reserved for saints. I do not wish to be a martyr.

I also recognize that the values I have now may change in the future, as they have in the past. When I was younger I did things sexually that I now look back on with regret. For many years I didn't believe in marriage. Then suddenly I wanted to marry this man. For many years I thought about tubal-ligation, then all of a sudden I wanted to have kids. At one point I considered open relationships, and thought about casual sex. Now I’m realizing that I looked at marriage as a guarantee that the things I fear wouldn’t happen, and there are no guarantees in life. All I really wanted was to know where I stood with him, and have him promise that he would be true to me and act that way; that would have been good enough for me to trust him. I have never needed a legal certificate - the government has no business in my love. But he didn't seem to be able to make that promise and I couldn't understand why. I am also realizing that I may be a terrible parent, considering my upbringing, the nature of my mental illness, and the weight of responsibility that comes with creating life, the desires I have for my future, and how bloody expensive it is to have children when I work in a low-paying job and have no post-secondary education - all of the reasons I have considered tubal-ligation in the past. I didn’t think I could handle an open relationship, and I didn’t think it would be possible for me to have a sexual encounter with someone I didn’t care for. I had thought through a lot of this before but I'm having to do it all over again because the relationship with the person I love most depends on it. I'm so very stuck. My head is in a mess and I’m hurting badly.

My greatest desire for the future is love, and it is a very complicated and painful thing to desire.

Anyone who has any advice or experience in these subjects, I would really appreciate your input. I need different perspectives and opinions, hopefully from people in different kinds of situations, to please explain to me how they feel or think about these things so I can learn and maybe even change my views.

If you don't feel comfortable discussing these things on an open forum, please send me a PM, I would really appreciate it.

Thank you so much!

First and foremost, please realize this is only my opinion...

Second, I'm sorry, but it sounds like your ex wants his cake and to eat it too...

Ok, now that is out of the way... Some believe that humans, since they are animals, are not meant to be with only one partner. That it is in our nature to have multiple partners at one time. The problem is with STDs and the possibly deadly consequences, this can be dangerous! I can see the point, and the excitement of a new partner can be addicting. It is new and intense and fun and pleasurable (and can I put any more ands in that sentence?)

Society as a whole believes in one mate. This isn't to say that open relationships don't work, but I have yet to witness one that does. I have never participated in one either. I think it would be too hard on anyone, mental illness or not, to deal with. If someone has that type of relationship work, more power to them! How they manage is a mystery to me.

I think the issue of porn/fantasy is about personal preference and level of comfort. Most men I have talked to, when talking about a woman's attractiveness, don't expect us to look like models or porn stars. Men tend to be very visual, and enjoy seeing sex going on. Women, as a rule, not so much. We are very brain/emotion motivated. There are some things I don't mind (and even enjoy watching), and some I won't. There are some styles of writing I enjoy reading. With fantasy, it is SUPER IMPORTANT to be honest and open about it. There needs to be clarity, if one person is uncomfortable with something, or something alarms them, the other person needs to stop and not push. Because of my own past, there are some things I can not do or it will bring up memories I thought long dealt with.

I hope this helps. Like I said, it is only my opinion....