Rape & Sexual Performance

Two years ago, my now girlfriend was raped by two childhood friends. Her parents had just recently divorced and she was moving from her childhood home into another community. She was at a party, drinking, when she became extremely upset and decided to leave. Two of her "friends" took her back to one of their homes and began talking with her about everything. Soon after, she was drugged and raped. She woke up the next morning completely nude and bleeding from her vagina.

We've been together for 6 months now, and she's expressed to me the problems that she used to have with everything, from the self hatred and blame to her battle with anorexia. There have been very minimal, if any, effects on our relationship. Just recently, however, she told me of the only two details that she remembers (in explicit detail). We've been intimate for awhile and our sex life has been amazing, but these details are just tearing me apart. This past weekend, we started to have sex, but I couldn't perform because of the thoughts going through my head about everything. In my head, I just kept imagining what they were doing to her the entire night. I felt completely powerless and broken and I just wanted to hold her.

I told her today that it's really been bothering me and she seemed understanding. Basically, the abuse that she endured is consuming my every sexual thought, so everytime I think of sex with her, I'm relating it to the image of two guys raping her. It's horrible. The last thing I want to do is make her feel worse, though. All I want to do is hold her and love her, but if I do that, I'm afraid she's only going to feel worse about everything. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Will it change? What can I do?

your not wrong. It sounds like your really empathy towards your gf. I think that talking about it some more will help. Make sure she knows that it is about the rape not her. Show her what love is and what loving sex is. Maybe you can go talk to a therapist about your feelings. Or call a help line

Whatever you feel, you feel; feelings are never wrong. You sound like a great boyfriend, caring about what your girlfriend went through and not wanting her to be hurt. Did she report the rape, and was it prosecuted? You're doing great, supporting her. It's hard to know something bad happened to someone you care about. I think it would be a good idea to see a therapist as a couple and share the issues both of you deal with, as crystalrose said.

Rape is such a horrifying thing. The effects stretch on long after the act itself.

Even if you didn't know her when it happened, you want to protect her and wipe it away. You're enraged at the man who violated her. Even if she has been ok when she is sexual with you, it is hard to forget she has gone through that type of violence.

You have every right to feel this way. There is nothing "wrong" with you. I would encourage you to slow down and make "better memories" or images to think of. Everytime you think about her "details", replace them with an enjoyable time you two were "together". It will be awkward at first. Keep trying. Eventually, you'll find you can put it out of your mind.

Not absolutely sure that will work, but it is worth a try. Whenever I have had issues with having been attacked, it's been hard. I know it's been hard for every male (husband, best friend, father) in my life to have comprehended when they found out. Hang in there!

Please take a few moments to see things from her side of the fence and if she is willing and trusting of you to par take of sex with you then please try and move past what your mind know and enjoy being there for her.... the female that needs and wants you now.