[Miracle1986]

So I talked to the gyno about all my sexual problems (hurts like heck etc)
He said I probably have Vaginismus. So now I have to use these dilators to try and stretch things out I guess.

Problem is, when I attempted t use one last night, I was disgusted by touching myself. See, in my 10+ years of masturbation,
I have never done it naked... so I never actually felt myself. (I know, I'm a weirdo)
All I can say is YUCK! I can't stand the way I feel down there... and I know I don't like how it looks. Ewww!

And then, I had a panic attack because I remembered that when I was younger I used to get in trouble for masturbating.
It was wrong! All I could hear last night was my mom yelling at me because she walked in on me.

I have to do this for my husband. He is desperate for sex. And I know it's unfair to have him live in a semi-sexless marriage.

What do I do? What is wrong with me?

[NuckingFutz]

You need to work that masterbation issue. Sounds like you internalized the things she yelled at you. It must be a really be hard to hate parts of ourselves. Perhaps seeing a sex therapist will help because those are not healthy feelings.

[lynn P.]

Sometimes the vaginismus can be both physical and psychological, which is what it sounds like. I also read something about botox being used for this problem - can you ask your doctor about that?

I think every parent should rehearse in their minds, how they're going to repond if they catch their child masturbating - so they don't scar their child forever. I know it difficult for parents to accept their child is capable of sexual feelings(masturbation) but it's very normal. There's no shame in self pleasuring(like that word better). I always mention this tip when talking about it - did you know that fetuses in the womb touch themselves. Slowly get acquanted with your body and gradually work up to even using a mirror - not 1 part of your body is disgusting and you deserve to be comfortable with it and to feel sexual pleasure alone and with your hubby. Best of luck in getting better.

[salukigirl]

That's interesting, lynn. I had never heard of using botox but it makes sense. It does sound like this is mostly psychological. Sounds like your mother gave you a deep seeded feeling of sex being bad and horrible and that the female body is not beautiful.

Even though I don't think it's aesthetically appealing, I'm amazed with all the stuff we can do with it! Even if you don't yet feel comfortable with the visual aspect, there has to be some appreciation of the process and how beautiful that experience can be.

Not to mention, it is extremely healthy to know your own body. How else will you know when something is wrong? My mom never really had the sex talk with me but I just kind of figure, if I don't know what I feel/look like when I'm normal, how am I supposed to know if I'm abnormal? You need to get in touch with your body and lose this feeling of shame over something that is completely natural and has been going on since the beginning of humans. I would talk to a T about it. Specifically a sex therapist would probably have more experience in that subject. Good luck with everything. I know that condition can be extremely frustrating.

[shezbut]

I can relate Miracle 1986.

That was an issue for me as well. Partly psychological ~ my GYN recommended I do regular exercises and tell my (then) husband that I needed more time to become lubricated. I was advised to become emotionally comfortable with my body, so that the sexual experience could become more rewarding.

My physiological cause of the pain ~ adenomyosis ~ certainly did not help me overcome avoidance. That GYN did not even go into that area, as he saw my emotions being the main cause. In retrospect, I can see that the two causes were twined together in a knotted mess.

Allowing yourself to accept your body the way that it is, without coarse judgment, is an important obstacle for you to work on. I have the same general tendency to become disgusted by myself. The thoughts in that area aren't very romantic, or accepting of any pleasure. My task became to simply accept the way that I feel towards myself, rather than try to change it. I can then allow myself to feel some pleasure in life. I may not have changed my personal opinion towards myself, but I have chosen to not dwell upon the negative feelings that cross my mind.

Example: "God, I am so disgusting. I hate myself!...Okay...Yes, I do hate myself. Move on, Shez... Eric likes you. You like Eric. You want him to feel good..and be happy." And my thoughts move back onto sex.

I follow that same pattern of self talk whenever self-hate thoughts kick in. I acknowledge them ~ admit the way that I feel. But I also don't keep kicking myself. It takes practice, yes. But it's certainly worth it! Hopefully, someday, we'll be past those self-hate thoughts and won't have them at all. Wouldn't that be wonderful??! For now, we can simply accept that this is where we are and keep moving on.

Very best wishes to you and your hubby. Take care!