My husband is not sexually attracted to me.

He claims it's erectile dysfunction due to his diabetes, but all I have to do is look at my fat body in the mirror, and I know the real truth. I wouldn't want sex with me either. If it was all him and not me, he could at least touch me sometimes without using the part that doesn't work.

He never approaches me. The only time I ever get anything is when I approach him.

This morning, I asked him for it. He was on the computer and complained that he had just sat down, can't he finish his game first? This doesn't sound like something a man would say if he *wants* his wife. And I don't want it to be just some chore he has to work into his schedule because he's obligated.

It very much reminds me of the time I asked a man in a nightclub if he wanted to dance with me. (Here again, they never asked me, I always had to approach them.) He looked me up and down and told me to come back later, when he was drunk. That way, he'd have an excuse to give his friends if they saw him dancing with me. I figured if he had to be drunk to dance with me, forget it.

I know he's not seeing anyone else. He comes right home from work. But obviously my husband would rather play a computer game than have sex with me. Maybe I should lose weight to make myself more attractive to him. But then, he's overweight too, and he's constantly offering me food. Ten minutes after I turn it down, it's "Are you sure you don't want any?" And, I've been trying to lose weight since I was 8 years old. No matter how little I eat (sometimes to the point of fainting) or how much I exercise (often to the point of pain) I don't lose weight.

Anyone? Please?

It sounds like you're both dealing with insecurity. My husband also has diabetes and it sometimes affects his sexual abilities. During those times I think he avoids contact because it reminds him that he's not able to function.

The only thing I can suggest is that you speak with him honestly about these feelings of insecurity. Let him know how it made you feel when he said he'd rather finish his game first.

Lovebirdsflying I can relate to what you are saying here, so I thought I would tell you about myself and maybe it will help you, if nothing else, to know that you aren't alone.

My husband is diabetic as well and we have some sexual problems too. I have to admit, for my part, that the killer combo of meds I am on seriously reduce my sex drive, but I do make an effort to make sure to try to initiate sex at least several times a month. My husband is a seriously shy man, I mean probably the sweetest guy you would ever meet, but I'm his only serious relationship ever and the 2 sex partner he's ever had (there's nothing wrong with this, but I'm trying to help you understand how he thinks). He is immensely respectful of women and is VERY timid, even after 5 years, of approaching me about sex. So that means for 5 years I've pretty much ALWAYS had to initiate everything. Sometimes I don't mind, sometimes I'm just like you and I think it has to be something wrong with me...if I were beautiful and perfect he would be all over me all the time, right? Nah, really, that's just not him, but sometimes I cannot help but feel that way. Anyhow, the problems we have sexually are that he either ejaculates REALLY prematurely (like say 15-30 seconds) or he loses his erection. I have to admit these do not make me feel very good about myself, as I was CONVINCED it was something repulsive about me that was making this happen. This has gone on for most of our relationship (so nearly 5 years) and quite honestly it got to the point to where I would cry and cry and cry each time after we would try to have sex because it seemed like all he cared about was himself or he had no desire to have sex with me. After so many of my crying sessions and so many disappointing encounters I actually told him a few months ago that I didn't want us to even try anymore (it just hurt my feelings way too much). He knows that he has some sort of problem and he has asked me numerous times what he could do differently or better (I've had many more partners than he has), but I honestly cannot say he does anything wrong (other than the problems with his actually functioning and I don't think he has control over that). He's always attentive and sweet, but when he ends up having a problem, I think it messes with his confidence so much that he would just give up, so just a few minutes in, we would usually end up stopping. Anyway, I'm sort of rambling, I've never told anyone this stuff before, so bear with me. So anyhow, I think when I told him that we should just not even try anymore he realized that HE needed to be more aggressive and proactive and figure something out. So what we have done is work on different ways (aside from actual intercourse) that I can be pleasured before we try intercourse. This has built his confidence immensely! I can sense a huge difference in how he feels about sex now and he no longer seems ashamed of himself or embarrassed. Things are getting much better for us!

My point is that you mention your husband also has erectile problems and is diabetic, these things have probably messed with his confidence. Maybe you could help him work on different sexual things that aren't necessarily just penetration that could help him feel more manly (stupid way to phrase this, but I don't know what else to say)? Maybe once the pressure is off his penis' performance and more on just giving each other pleasure, things will work better for him.

I guess what I'm saying is I really doubt it is because he suddenly doesn't love you or find you attractive. Most likely he's feeling self conscious and afraid of repeated failure.

Its worth a try. Good luck and let me know if you want to know anything else (might as well not be afraid to tell you more after telling you so much already!). I hope things get better for you.

I can certainly understand you feeling hurt like this and that was a horrible thing for that man at the bar to say. You seem unhappy with your weight and I'll be honest and say - I think you both need to start exercising. You also need to intensely look at the fat content of what you're eating. When I was in my late 20's my mother suffered a serious stroke. From that point on I became determined to watch my fat levels. I'm blessed with a fast metabolism so I don't watch it so much for losing weight -I watch it because I don't want to clog my arteries and die of a stroke.

If you watch carefully, reading labels and look at the way you cook and combine it with exercising - you will lose weight. I also highly recommend weight lifting, if your body can tolerate it. This is by far the fastest way to change your body. I recommend buying some loose weights and buying Kathy Smith's Fat Burning Workout - it's excellent because she has interval training with different levels. When you start to feel stronger, this will boost your self esteem. I know it hard to get started and the 1st 2 months is the hardest, but you can do it. Best of luck.

Hi Love... I found your thread. I am sorry you were left hanging. I don't have much to add that hasn't been said but I will try. My ex has diabetes and he really struggled when sex became more difficult for him. It bothered him more than me since I had long since lost my drive with the effects of menopause and depression. We had had a very active sex life before this and while I tried to accommodate him and he was very attentive to trying to make it enjoyable for me over time it became non existant. It was very hard on him because he really missed it. We have been apart now for a few years and I know it part the loose of our sex life made it easier for us to separate so I encourage you to work this through with your husband.

I would venture to guess that yes while it would be a good idea for both you and your husband for health reasons alone to take a hard look at your diet and incorporating more activity into your lifestyle, your weight has nothing to do with how attractive you are to your husband. You have always been a big woman. He married you as a big woman so why would your weight now be an issue? There is much more to it that is more likely related to his issues not yours alone. A frank discussion could help assure him that he is not in this alone. That together you can retain intimacy which is really what you want from sex more than the act itself.

I will tell you something about me that you may find interesting. I have a thyroid condition. Can never remember if it is over active or underactive but it doesn't matter. For a few years I was unknowingly being overmedicated and as a result I lost a lot of weight. My partner was vocal about not liking how skinny I had gotten. He missed my chub especially the boobs which had become nearly non existant. He said I didn't feel the same in his arms and while it wasn't a deal breaker for him or anything it took some adjustment and he was always trying to get me to eat to try to get some weight back on. He was gone before I got the meds corrected and did put some of the weight back on but I think about that sometimes. Maybe if I hadn't lost so much weight and maybe if I had been more attentive and if, if, if.....

My point is we can't let our insecurities play havoc with our thinking. If we have a concern involving our partner, talk it through and together you can make it work.

I hadn't thought about that possibility. That he might be discouraged about his inability to perform, and not even want to try. I was figuring, if his soldier wouldn't stand at attention, at least he could snuggle with me and we can do things other ways. He doesn't seem to want to do that. Maybe it's because it reminds him that his soldier won't stand at attention?

I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was the case. Generally speaking this is exponentially more difficult for the men to deal with than their partner. Imagine how difficult it must be for him to want to have that type of relationship but his own body is betraying him. For some reason their self worth is tied very tightly to their ability to perform.

The only way to really find out is to talk to him about it. But don't be surprised if he tries to avoid this issue like the plague. It's much easier to pretend it isn't happening than to deal with it.