Betrayed by porn

I am a 35 year old female. Over the past two months I have discovered my guy has repeatedly betrayed our relationship by secretly using porn (videos, magazines) and most recently I discovered where he, for the past 8 months was sexting, exchanging nude photos, and talking on the phone at all hours of the night with his 2nd ex-wife. This DUMBFOUNDED me because we (I THOUGHT) had a great relationship, the sex has always been amazing (and I litterally have NEVER said "no" to him)...and he SAYS he loves me. I have been DEVASTATED by all of these findings. He wants to stay together and get help, but I'm just not sure I can. I love him, but am starting to wonder if the man I fell in love with even exhists in this man. Other than these things (and I realize its enough) he has been so good and loving to me. He's been my bestfriend, my lover, my soulmate. Any advice would be appreciated.

Yes, the man you fell in love with is still there and the sex thing with porn has nothing to do with you or who he really is.... its used as a release from life and stress and if you can look past the hurt you feel at the moment and help your bf get the help he needs to kick this habit then I believe there is a future for you two.

BTW - I speak from experience... my husband was once addicted to porn for ten long years, but I learned about the addiction and what he (and me) needed for us to heal and we did.

Please look into information by Dr. Douglas Weiss... he was addicted to porn for 20 years while married and now he is a psychologist that helps others.

Pornography is VERY dangerous! It paints a picture of a world that doesn't exist!

The things that occur in the movies simply aren't real and as long as one views these movies and magazines as fantasy, then they won't be entrapped.

Sounds to me as if there's something lacking in his world, not yours.

Thank you for your responses. I appreciate the material suggested, and will be going to the book store today to find materials by that Dr. I am currently reading "The Porn Trap" and it is very difficult to read, but insightful. My bf is going for counceling on the 8th and I am looking for a 12 step program for he and I as well. I will post updates as they happen. Thanks again for both of your support.

Also, I agree that porn IS VERY DANGEROUS and devastating to all involved. The lengths I discovered he went to to obtain it secretly was insane!! I also told him that those images can't love him, can't touch him, and don't do anything for him alone, they are actresses who perform for millions of men.

I agree with Rhap. I don't think it sounds like he has any control over it which means he is addicted. If it is interfering with normal relationships that means that he needs help. Does he accept that this is a problem and that he needs to do something about it or does he blow it off?

He does agree that its a problem and he has an appointment with a therapist.

Ok, 1st off, the sexting with the ex wife thing is of course totally unacceptable. It's completely disrespectful and I recommend not putting up with it. If he stops and gets help for being an ***, then good. But if not, he's not worth the misery.

But the pornography thing... well, if porn is cheating then I'd have to say at least 95% of men are cheaters. No matter how good a guy is, no matter how satisfied you keep him, he's still got a pervy side and is going to enjoy his private time looking at naked naughtiness. It may even be part of why he's such a good lover. Even a whole lot of females watch porn nowadays (most of my female friends and I watch porn. we're all in our 20's and 30's and a few of us are in healthy, happy relationships/marriages). Most people masturbate. Ask any doctor or therapist. It's a part of a healthy sexuality, unless of course the person is watching something very taboo that no one should be watching or doing. So to say it's a betrayal is a bit unreasonable. Porn isn't a replacement for you or even a threat, it's just a medium to help us escape for a moment and release. I guarantee that the second he's done doing his business, he doesn't give any of the girls he's watching or looking at a second thought. In fact, he may even be thinking of you doing those naughty things or thinking of doing them to you while he's watching. ;-)

Good point, flora. I used to be really upset about porn until my ex said that when he watches it, it makes him want me, not the women on the screen. And he did say that he would try and take some of what he saw in them and try to please me. My current bf doesn't really watch porn at all but the only reason for that I think is because he has some pictures of me..... Have you attempted to give your husband any sexy pictures of yourself and seeing if he would rather look at those instead of porn but just doesn't have any? Men are just overall very visual creatures but from what you describe it does sound like he has some issues with sexuality in general.

Just wanted to add...

While what has been stated above is true for some men - there are the other men that cannot just look enjoy and walk away... these are the bf and husbands that become addicted to porn to the point that it does replace their need and even want for their lady friend - hence the part of porn that is not liked and that leaves a female feeling as though her man is cheating on her "for she has been replaced" by a sexier younger image that she can no longer compete with if only in the mind of her porn obsessed man.

I speak from experience on this on matter from helping my own husband through his ten year porn addiction - and from surveying and helping over a 1000 people seek help when they found themselves on either side of the porn addiction business.

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As with Life... everything must be done in moderation and should never replace a loved one (bf gf spouse lover partner).

Salukigirl, thanks for the idea, but yes he HAD thousands of still pics of me, and I even allowed him to shoot several videos, he likes stories, so I took what I knew he liked and wrote for him using events he voiced as arrousing. When I found out about the ex, I destroyed all his material involving me...... Flora, I totally get your point as well, I didn't have a problem until he missed a car payment and drove to the neighboring state 2.5 hrs away in search of it. What really tripped my trigger was the ex...and from all evidence I can find he was using her as porn (she was mean as heck to him...even she says so). I guess maybe I am overreacting, everyone I know uses porn (ive just never seen much to it, I'd MUCH rather my guy)...and I've never refused him.

Well, my first thought when I read this title was that looking at porn is fairly normal. I've done it and my boyfriend does it, and it doesn't change the way he feels about me. He just likes voyeurism, and doesn't have a real urge to touch the people he watches. In my particular situation, telling him he couldn't do it would be like telling him to give up any other activity he enjoyed. And forcing him to feel ashamed or even tempted to sneak behind my back could do harm to our relationship.

But reading further into what you've said, it seems as though your guy has gone beyond just 'looking at porn.' It can be done healthily, but in his situation it's not. Missing work, driving hours for it, engaging in virtual sex acts with others, and doing that kind of stuff with his ex-wife is not acceptable. I wouldn't put up with that either.

So I can understand while you're upset, and it is starting (from what you've said) to sound to me like he needs some major help. However, I'd really like to reassure you that this isn't happening because you're not enough or you're doing something wrong or anything like that. It's because he's having a problem - and that's with the porn, not you. A man can be absolutely in love and enthralled by his girl, and passionately enjoy their sexual encounters. But if he has an addiction, that's not going to keep him from it. It's not your fault and this seems to signify a deeper problem he's having. I really hope he can work through it - maybe with professional help, and you two can be alright through this.