GF can't orgasm because of past rape

My current gf has been raped and molested in her past and says that because of that she can't orgasm.

I know its not me because I've been with a lot of women and have an excellent track record of making women cum. Not only that I usually spend a good 20-30 minutes going down on her and fingering her before penetration. We both have a great time during sex, but I do feel like something is missing because of her inability to orgasm.

Is there anything I can do in bed or outside of bed to help her achieve an orgasm? I'm sure everyone is going to suggest therapy, but she's been to a lot of therapy and while it has helped her emotionally it hasn't helped her with this problem.

I'm not a sex therapist, but am speaking from personal experience.

I had similar problems, the effect was me dissociating & simply doing my job to please the man. Almost every guy would have sworn that I enjoyed what I was doing. But I didn't. And I sure didn't want to let him know that I wasn't enjoying it. Why? I saw it as a job to please my man.

After 20 years of lies, I am now with a man who takes his time. And I really mean takes his time! Trust me...that seriously gets us going in a safe relationship. He and I have spent hours simply kissing. Hugging, rubbing, etc. It feels electric! That gets me very into the experience. A couple of times, we've left it at that. Every other time, we move onto sex (oral and/or penetration).

I am on top and in charge of the lovemaking ~ which works against dissociation too. I've stopped once or twice because I couldn't focus on enjoyment. That was okay. (Yes, my guy is very understanding. I know!) Nine out of ten times have been spectacular for both of us though, which is amazing!! It's definitely worth that one time (or two) that we've had to stop.

Speaking from personal experience as well... it may take your gf a while (with therapy) before she will be able to allow her body to enjoy the sexual experience as it was meant to be - please be patient and keep doing what you are and dont put so much importance on her having to obtain an orgasm to enjoy being with you sexually.

P.S.
Have her look into getting this book (dealing with old wounds)
http://forums.psychcentral.com/revie...ate/1151074059

how about not worrying about making her orgasm. that could be causing her to stress out thinking you expect her to. women naturally don't have an orgasm every time they have sex. and especially if we know our partners are expecting it. our body's work differently than a man's does. a man can pick up a playboy and see a nude body of their liking and their flag is waving at full staff. a man can be touched and their flag automatically begins to rise. touch and sexual stimulation doesn't cause a lot of women to orgasm or even get us in the mood. for some women like me a sexual attraction is in the romance, the gentle little things like bringing us a bouquet of our favorite flowers for no reason, its the hand holding through a movie, its the back rub with our favorite body lotion with out the expectation of intercourse, its even things like my coming home and finding out my partner has done the dishes and ordered Chinese dinner and the two of us eating with candle light and relaxing background music.

try to remember what it was like for you and your girlfriend before intercourse entered into the picture. what are her favorite things, what kinds of things does she find romantic. What kinds of things attracted the two of you to each other. go back to those days when sex was a bonus not expectation. show her shes not just there for you to have sex with, show her how different you are from the person who forced himself on her and expected her to orgasm for him. Romance and the little things go a long way to showing someone who has been raped that you care for them and you are not going to expect her to cum when ever you want her to. show her you love her so much you are willing to take things at her speed and not expect anything more than what she's able to share with you. When her body is ready to got hat extra mile for her and then for you you will know it. and it will be even more special for the two of you because it wasn't a forced orgasm that is expected but one that happened out of love.

This is great advice from everyone. Thank you for your responses. Thanks for the book suggestion Rhapsody.

The suggestion of slow and romantic is very re-enforcing considering that's what I've been doing, however, it doesn't seem to be working. It also doesn't help that we're both thrill seekers and the best sex we've had has been in somewhat dangerous and often public places. So what about the other end of the sexual behavior spectrum?

I've heard of women that have been sexually traumatized and can only orgasm in certain situations. Like bondage, alt sex kind of stuff. These situations somewhat recreate aspects of the trauma that could have created conflicting aroused feelings without the danger and lack of consensual interaction. Considering we're both pretty kinky thrill seekers this seems like a better option given it doesn't inflict futher trauma. Has anyone had any positive or negative experiences with this?

It also doesn't help that we're both thrill seekers and the best sex we've had has been in somewhat dangerous and often public places. So what about the other end of the sexual behavior spectrum?

I did behave like that early in my reciprocal sexual relationships. It was a little thrilling, but I had to get drunk in order to let my personal boundaries down. It was not a positive experience for me ~ it brings shame.

I've heard of women that have been sexually traumatized and can only orgasm in certain situations. Like bondage, alt sex kind of stuff.

I also tried bondage ~ but I had to be the one in charge.

Especially enjoyed my mans' eyes wrapped with a dark fabric. Using different syrups (chocolate, whipped cream, peanut butter) to entice was also exciting.

It's awfully easy to dissociate in events like these. A different persona takes over. That is survivor mode. As previously mentioned, this is my personal experience.

I don't know whether or not my words apply to your gf, but I would seriously recommend discussing how she feels about her sexuality ~ emotionally. Does she look down upon her sexual behavior, feel guilty, or evil? Before you and and your gf became sexually involved, did she have other mutual sexual relationships? If so, did they follow the same sexual pattern? Or the same emotional pattern?

I would hesitate to go "more extreme" to get her to feel sexual pleasure. It could work, or it could cause her a lot of problems. You won't know until it's too late. I have a very disturbing problem with "extreme fantasies" which has caused me a lot of shame. I didn't know it would cause problems. I just thought it was a solution. But it got more and more extreme and now.. it is the only thing that works, but I would rather never orgasm again than have these sick, sick fantasies. But now they come into my mind and I can't help it. It makes me want to cut out every part of me that was ever a sexual being. I started believing my boyfriend was attacking me every time we had sex. It caused a lot of problems for us in our relationship, made me feel disgusted with him for agreeing to participate, and made me feel disgusted with myself.

Just be careful.

First off I want to really thank both of you (jexa and shezbut) for discussing this. Not only does it give me a lot of insight into the mindset of my gf that has been raped, the fact that you're both comfortable giving this kind of advice stemming from deep personal trauma is very courageous and admirable.

Both of you mention shame as the main problem with pushing the sexual envelope to the opposite extreme, yet I'm confused as to where this shame orginates. I feel like this makes a big difference. Does it orginate from the fact that it recreates the conflicting feelings of arousal that occured during the rape? Or is it more of a societal shame? A belief that this behavior is deviant and shouldn't be engaged in.

For me, it is not societal shame. I am pretty liberal and if my desires fit with who I am, I don't think I would be ashamed of them. I don't judge other people who have kinky desires at all, if they are having fun and enjoying themselves. The problem is that these desires aren't "me;" they came from trauma. I'm not this kind of person, and my own mind sickens me. I am a romantic kind of person, a wholesome kind of person.. I am not the "kinky girl." That's not me. I know it is a recreation of trauma and it is shameful to me to inflict this suffering on myself. And I truly suffer. Humiliation at the same time as pleasure? That is not how I want things to be.

First off I want to really thank both of you (jexa and shezbut) for discussing this.

You are welcome, Trojanwarhero.
I've always wanted to limit other people's misery with the wisdom I have gained through my life's experiences. That is my hope. Thank you for the compliment.

Does it (shame) orginate from the fact that it recreates the conflicting feelings of arousal that occured during the rape? Or is it more of a societal shame? A belief that this behavior is deviant and shouldn't be engaged in?

I would say that my shame stems from the conflicting feelings of arousal during such evil events. I have a very hard time disconnecting the bonded emotions, arousal and shame, because of past experiences. This is an ongoing challenge that I struggle with. Just recently, I have begun allowing myself to enjoy sex. But it really did take time, sincere trust, and a general acceptance of myself. Before my current boyfriend, I was unable to fill those needs.

My personal beliefs of that behavior are mixed. It is exciting ~ but I cannot accept compliments (on anything) without shame nudging it's way in. For example: when my boyfriend calls me beautiful or sexy, I automatically don't believe him and often feel shameful for whatever I did prior to the compliment. I try hard not to roll my eyes (as I have always done) and insult him. It's hard ~ I hate it. I wish that I didn't do these things. But I do.

Is your girlfriend, on any kind antidepressant medication? I ask, because an SSRI, e.g., Zoloft, can interfere with the ability to achieve orgasm in women, as well as men.

I dont know how to start a thread ... so ill just say this here. I was raped about 5 years ago and have not been able to cum since. I was reading the different advice ppl gave you for your gf and im gonna get that book someone mentioned. But i just want to know is there anyone who has been raped and stopped having orgasms because of it ... and was able to orgasm again? Basically is there any hope? My bf once said i want us to orgasm at the same time and im like ... gees dont hold your breath. But thats not how i want it to be. So If theres anyone who stopped having orgasms because of a rape was able to get an orgasm Again please tell me what you did/are doing...

This happened to me years ago in the military. I went thru lots of therapy and several partners. Some of the therapy was helpful, and one or two confidants/relationships as well. Must admit, in my case, it's taken time, plus also have BP diagnosis and all my life off and on have had to manage mental health. But just keep trying. The best to you all that posted who are struggling with this, in any capacity. It can be very hard, but can at times, get better, I think. Just my two cents!

Some women don't reach an actual climax, even without other factor such as sexual trauma or, as someone mentioned above, an antidepressant impeding the ability. They are satisfied with arousal, and that's all they're after. I think the best advice you got was not concentrating on making her reach orgasm, but instead just show her your love through physical means, and put your energy into pleasing her.

I am going to offer the obvious, yet not always legal, option: cannabis. It may relax her enough, improve the communication between you guys, lower the threshold for her (so that less work produces more pleasure), and, be otherwise highly therapeutic. It does not work for everybody, but, to me, would be the first option to try (IF LEGAL - I do not want you to risk your careers etc.)

But please do not combine this with thrill seeking in public places. Marijuana is something to be tried on a Friday or a Saturday night when you are at home and not in need of being at work next morning (because it might sedate you, and how much it would sedate you is not predictable).

Trojan, I to was raped and have no sensation during sex. I disassociate badly. I have tried drinking alcohol to lower inhibitions, that was not a good idea. My inabilities to orgasm w/ a man are due to rape in some part more then likely but it is also a self esteem issue for me. I don't believe I am worthy of enjoyment, not sexual or in the simple things like compliments or gifts. Due to rape, and my up bringing I was led to believe that pleasure should be given to who you are with, to be self sacrificing.

Just recently (and I have been married to the same man for 19 years) have we figured out to make foreplay last 20 min, or at least the oral part of that. If it don't happen then that is ok. My H didn't understand that for me it was "the trip there not reaching the final destination" that was important. Some times just enjoying the ride, if you know what I mean, is just as pleasurable. The pressure I feel to have O's w/ my H is tremendous. Now we just know it ain't gonna happen. It never has in 20 years, it ain't gonna start now. That makes it more enjoyable, knowing that it is not gonna happen and accepting that so that all the other sensations can be enjoyed.

I have been in T for marriage counseling, and trauma counseling, it has not made my sex life any better, it has hurt it minimally only when dealing w/ deep stuff. I just had to much on my plate to deal with sex.

On the plus side, you said you guys had sex in a risk taking environment and she did have O's then. Is that correct? Can she have O's solo, with out you around. The plus side to that would be... that it is possible. There are mental hurdles to overcome. When physical hurdles are in the way it is much harder to work round.

I personally can make it happen almost every time solo regardless of the psy med I take that kill sex drives. But being watched or being in the presence of some one else makes it impossible. Even having my H in the other room knowing what I am doing kills the ability to O. I have yet to figure this out. But my T has told me that fact that O's do happen is a plus.

I don't know if any of this applys to you and your gf, or if it will help add understanding, but I hope you can continue to grow together despite this. Good luck.