Hmm confused.

So hi I never thought I'd be on this forum.

It's really hard for me to post here. In fact, I'm not even sure I'll post this message. I guess if you're reading it, I did.

So.

Excuse me while I stall by watering myself and my plant.

Okay.

I've been thinking a lot about myself and why I seem so immune to relationships. In the past, I've had one boyfriend (who turned out to be on drugs and got dumped), and now I have an ex-husband.

That's it.

I'm twenty-five.

I really didn't feel anything for the boyfriend.

I loved the person I thought my ex-husband was, until he let me know he was a sociopath through threats and quite obvious insanity the day after I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.

Now, I'm sure some therapist would say that's why I'm on this forum, but it's not.

I think I've been grappling with this issue a long time, since way before I met the now-ex.

My parents used to hate the fact that I wore jeans and t-shirts and kept my hair short. They hated that I opted for Stephen King instead of whatever the girls were reading.

They scratched their heads when, at seven, I told them I was going to be an MP (and so I am, or was, or whatever until I decide whether to go back to the Reserves).

I was never happier than when I was firing an M16 or an M9 or crawling through the dirt under barbed wire.

I bite my nails short, I don't wear make-up, I've got more muscle than most of the people I know, including the men.

Me, I never really thought about what 'orientation' that made me. I've always seen myself as just me, not necessarily male or female, just a person.

But lately I've been thinking that's my problem.

I seem to be too masculine for men, and not all that interested in women. So I have no idea what I am or what I need or what I want.

I don't seem to want anything or anyone.

Men talk to me, and I don't appreciate how they speak to me or look at me.

I find most women fake and annoying.

Please don't be offended, I hate stereotypes, I'm not saying everyone is like that. I'm just saying that's the experience I've had so far.

However, lately I've been thinking that it's just never, ever going to work between me and guys, and I've been wondering if I might get along better with girls.

If I could be myself, without someone saying Jeez, I might as well have married a man.

Problem: I'm a Christian.

Problem: I seem to have deadened myself against feeling anything for anyone.

Problem: I can't get into a relationship because all of my money is being sunk into supporting my family, and I guess sunk is the best word for it since it seems to be going into an ever-widening hole.

And I don't even know why I'm ranting about this, because being a lesbian who doesn't date is no different from being a straight person who doesn't date. In fact, I believe my current lifestyle makes me a nothing.

And although I'm pretty okay with that most of the time, sometimes I slip up and think it would be nice to have someone to talk to.

Then I wise up and realize that people are just people and I'm not really going to be happy with any of them because I don't like myself, either.

And I have no idea what I'm trying to say, but I think I'm going to post it anyway just to feel like I took it out of my head and put it somewhere else.

Please pay me no mind.

Hi inky,

I can relate to pretty well everything you wrote. So you're not alone in struggling with these things.The way I see it you've actually raised at least three different issues.
All of that is about gender identity. We live in a world where the majority of people are comfortable identifying with and behaving like one end or the other of the 'gender spectrum.' For those of us who find ourselves somewhere else along the spectrum, it can seem like there is something wrong about us. But really you said it well:

As for sexual orientation, while it is related to gender identity, there is no one on one correspondence between the two. I know some 'masculine' women who are happy in heterosexual relationships, and also some 'feminine' men. And of course lots of gays and lesbians are not 'stereotypical' either. I think once you are in a frame of mind that allows you to be open to an intimate relationship, who you are interested in will show itself as a matter of course.
I was raised in a Christian denomination in which being gay or lesbian was not a problem. To me the adjective 'Christian' is used in its truest form when it means "in a spirit of love and acceptance"

Then there is the issue of loneliness and isolation. Most of my efforts in therapy are directed at learning why I am so unable to allow myself to connect with people in any emotionally satisfying way. You are far from being a nothing. And it is not a 'slip up' to want someone to talk to. But I understand how it can feel that way. I am usually able to keep my own loneliness out of my awareness, and when it does break through, it feels very painful. It can seem better to push it back down, but I know the feelings are telling me the truth, which is why i am trying to change my relationship with myself so that I can allow myself to have friends and someday perhaps even a partner.

One thing I have learned is that my negative take on other people is one of the many ways i defend against the pain of loneliness. And yes, it is all about how I feel about myself: undeserving and unworthy, which I am slowly learning to change, with a lot of help from professionals who treat me as worthy and deserving.

I couldn't do that I hope I didn't go on about myself too much. Thanks for posting. As I said above, you're not alone with this stuff....

Inky,

Ripley said everything I was thinking and more.

Please consider posting either in the LGBTQ Social Group or the LGBTQ Forum or both. I think you'll find people who have many of the same feelings and experiences as your questions.

Personally you could be describing me word by word.

With much affinity,
notz

You are so intelligent - you should be writing for some newspaper or magazine. Does the Revserve Unit you're attached to have a news letter they put out? You would be great doing something like that. I see you a confused Woman who's heart belongs to the Military. I love reading your messages - they are so well thought out and elequent(sp). I think you're one wonderful person - you do count and you are someone! I really look forward to hearing from you again. You are who you are.... Some times we don't fit into any particular catagory. We are who we are....