Mature Discussion About Masturbation

Thanks la doctora - actually the conversation I ended up having, caught me completely off guard. Prior to this I rehearsed in my mind, what I might do or say if I found my girls engaging in this, but I didn't foresee myself talking about it. The day we had the conversation, my daughter was upset and troubled - she was being very ambiguous why she was upset. So during our conversation, I just sort of casually stated "when we touch ourselves it actually feels good". That's when she asked me "is that an okay thing to happen"? It turned out, she was actually feeling guilty and troubled. It was pitiful the way, she seemed so relieved to know, it wasn't a bad thing. I feel this was a burden for her and she was feeling guilty about it. I was careful to mention, this is a solitary activity and no other person should touch her privates.

For the average parent who happens upon their child self pleasuring - I think stating "this is fine but keep it private" is sufficient explanation. I just had to re-assure my daughter a little more because she was struggling with feeling it was wrong.

I also have a 12 yr old and I've already educated her about sex but haven't mentioned this topic. I figured most children explore this on their own and I don't know if most parents include this in sex education with their teens or not.

Lynn P. - great post and kudos for how you handled the situation of talking to your daughter.

My mom had no discussion with me about sex. I learned about masturbation through my SA. When I was 12 my mom told me about how I would have a period someday. - the rest I learned in middle school. In college I took 'biological aspects of human sexuality' and it was very informative.

When I was SA as a child at the age of 5 I feared that I was pregnant as I found out that babies come from the 'belly' and i pursued how babies are in the belly and she told me ? - don't remember what she said other than I asked alot of questions after I started being abused.

NOTE:
It's important that parents start giving their children sex ed at an early age (age appropriate according to the child's age of course - not just once in the child's lifetime but every so often).
The number one way to help protect your child from child abuse is to teach them about sex (start with the proper names of their body at an early age - this is your leg, hip, penis, your penis is your private area etc...). The majority of children who are sexually abused were never educated about sex (this is according to a former FBI agent that I met and he investigated sexual predators/sexual abuse crimes against children).

Wow that was really good :3 You're a good mom.
When I'm a mom I want to do the same.

I thankfully never got caught and didn't find out that spot was pleasurable till I was 13. lol

I only got caught once when I was about three (yes, three). My mom said "I don't ever want to see that again" and I completely forgot about the whole idea for several years. Never got caught again lol

She never talked to me about the subject as I got older (luckily ). She's only referred to it as or described it as "something dirty that boys do" LOL.
I'm going to stop venting about my mom's old fashioned-ness while I can

By the way, in my opinion you handled the situation very well

Lynn, if I were to come back in another life, I would want you to be my Mom...

I second Notz's motion... I want you to be my mom too

Awwww thanks ((Notz)) and ((Typo)) - I appreciate your support.

I have similarly talked to my son about masturbation (he's 9). Thankfully, I just never thought it was bad and I wanted him to be comfortable with himself and his own body. He knows it something you do in the bedroom or bathroom and never do it with anyone else.

As far as growing up, my mother never caught me, but she did catch my brother and she bought a book and made him read it that said that you basically burn in hell for masturbation. She absolutely humiliated him, made him talk to her preacher, etc. because of it.

Thanks ((perpetuallysad)) - I'm glad your son knows it's normal and something private - you're a good mother. I think years ago, most parents and people in general, thought it was shameful, perverted thing to do. During that time, I think parents feared if their kids did it - then they might also want to have sex. It's very unfortunate your mom treated your brother that way. I think this is why some adults today, still struggle with bad feelings about masturbation. I remember reading an article, that even fetuses in the womb touch themselves.

Lynn,

Thanks for this topic! I just wanted to add my own experience. I started masturbating around 4 years old; I never thought I was "dirty," but I had major anxiety while doing it. I would get so nervous that someone would "catch me." Then one day, when I was around 9 years old, my mom caught me. Her exact words were "If you're going to do that, do it in your bedroom." I was embarrassed, but looking back that was probably the best thing should could have said given the circumstance. So I think you handled your own situation extremely well!

My only advice is don't take your kids our of sex ed in 4th grade/middle school. My mom thought it would be better if she could teach me....well that just made me a target for bullies. ugghh

I'm glad your mother didn't make you feel ashamed or say don't do that.

Actually my oldest is 12(7th) grade and they just introduced basic sex ed this last month. I wish they would teach it in grade 5/6. I can't understand why a parent would want to remove their child from it - only thing I can think - is they think knowledge means they're going to do it. My daughter said she didn't learn anything new, so I guess I explained it well lol.

I also think it should be an on going conversation, as the opportunity arises and they become more age appropriate. Unfortunatley my mother never told me anything - I didn't even know about STD's. My oldest knows she can come to me anytime with questions. I don't want my girls to be blind and learn it from friends or the internet.

Like I said in my 1st post, I didn't foresee talking about it, unless I happened to walk in on it. It came up in a round about way and I sensed she was troubled.

I just wanted to say -- Lynn, I think you are doing an awesome job as a mom. Your daughter is lucky-- instead of not being told anything or that she's bad-- you've explained things in a non-judgemental way. Kudos to you, and may your daughter feel comfort in coming to you always for answers and support. (like- in her teen years!)

fins

When I was in 8th grad I was masturbating in the basement, my bedroom was down there as well as sort of a rec room that had a TV in it. Just after I finished my mom came downstairs, she had heard the two girls that lived on either side of us right outside our house laughing, she thought they might have been doing some minor vandalism, I quickly realized they were spying on me, laughing about what I was doing. One of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me.

Yikes, that would be embarrassing!

This is very interesting. There was a guy in my band class that had a sticker on his trumpet case that read: "Safe sex is in the palm of your hand." I always found that to be hilarious. The sad part is that everything I learned about sex, I learned on the school bus, not at school. In 5th grade we had a talk about puberty and how we would be getting our periods soon (which totally didn't help me b/c I got mine in 2nd grade) and how or breast would be starting to develop, so we would have to wear bra's (I was already a 38 B) and how we should start using deodorant. So that was very helpful. *sarcasm* In 8th grade, we had sex ed which consisted of learning about STD's and ways to tell people you didn't want to have sex. So no real information there. I think they should have given everyone a pack of condoms instead of having people sign an abstinence pledge (which I did not sign). My parents were no help either. It wasn't until I had a cyst on my ovary, that I even brought the subject up, b/c I thought I was pregnant. As a child I had multiple SA events happen, so even though I felt dirty for doing it, I felt compelled to do it. I guess as some sort of punishment to myself. I wish I had the proper talks about masturbation/sex, but I didn't.

I'm glad you were able to have that talk with your child lynn.

I did it even when I was a little kid before I even understood why it was pleasurable or what it was. I think my mom caught me once and just told me not to do it, a bit angrily, but didn't explain. I didn't understand what was wrong, so I just kept doing it in a more hidden manner and stopped when she came in to check on me every night.

It was years later, I think 4th grade or so, when I found out what it was through some book for kids about touchy topics like that. Everything I read said it was normal, etc etc. So I kept doing it, this time actually knowing stuff about masturbation.

2nd yr highschool was the first mention of masturbation in my so far 11 yrs of schooling. Catholic school and all, so they jumped on it being a grave sin, and it confused me a bit. I didn't really agree, but this added some guilt and shame. Not enough to stop though I tried to avoid doing it for a while.

So basically 2 main views: 1) normal part of growing up; 2) SIN. In college (Catholic university, theology a required course), we did a paper on masturbation once, and I did see some points as why it was wrong in some way. I kind of forgot what they were, but I think there was something about it becoming like an addiction, or being a more selfish substitute to relationships or something since the responsibility, communal nature, and other aspects involved with sex are removed.

Those reasons might make it something unwise, or less than completely desirable. Making it a sin is kind of all or nothing thinking, though, isn't it?

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

byfnvy - thanks for sharing your story. I agree it can be a problem if the person becomes addicted or substitutes it, in place of sex with their partner. Everything in moderation.

I'm with Lynn there -- thanks to everyone for the replies!

Even then, I'd wonder if the real problem was that the person had chosen masturbation over some other release (alcohol, drugs, SI, and ED come to mind) -- or that they were feeling cut off from relationships, partnered sex, and anything else that might engage their interest, so that they found themselves needing some such release in the first place.

It seems to me that if someone already felt driven to seek release constantly but chose partnered sex over masturbation, that would look a lot like sex addiction.

HI!

As for my experience: it was also a tabu topic at my parents' house...we never discussed it. I would not even have dared to ask about it.