Mature Discussion About Masturbation

Thank you Indie. Like I said earlier in the thread.....this subject came up at the spur of the moment. I sensed she was feeling guilty about something and my senses told me it might be this...so I matter of factly put it out there(like it was no big deal). She immediately grabbed onto to it and I could see the relief on her face. I honestly never anticipated discussing it, unless I happened to walk in on it. She's so innocent and she was proud of herself that she had the 'courage' to talk about it.

I have discussed the subject of sex with my almost 13 yr old but haven't discussed masturbation. I saw this discussed on Oprah and the sex expert encouraged all parents to bring this up at the right time - the theory being if they feel okay satisfying themselves, this may curb looking outside for sex at too young an age. The audience gasped when she said this lol. I admit it's easier to talk about sex, than masturbation and I admit I was sweating at the brow when this happened lol.

As you can see from this thread, many people have mix feelings, especially the older generation, that was taught - it's a sin or weakness. Unless you have that 'open book' kind of bond, I don't advise you bringing it up. To be honest I think it's hard to find someone who doesn't do it. As long as it's done in moderation and not to deprive a partner from sex...I think it's fine. It would be sad if we can't enjoy our own bodies. Sadly my own mother never discussed sex at all with me, so I didn't want to make the same mistake with my own girls.

A couple times I was tempted to delete this thread(felt awkward at times), but now I'm happy I didn't and proud of everyone for the way they've discussed this topic.

You're welcome Lynn, and thanks for the info. I do love my mom, but some things we just don't discuss. That's why I'm here on PC

Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!

I know what you're saying Indie. I was raised Roman Catholic(guess it's okay to say that) and my mother was from the old belief system. At that time most parents didn't discuss sex and certainly not this subject. I know my mom loved me and I loved her. I just wanted it to be different for my girls.

I think all young teenagers should be educated about sex, STD's and pregnancy risks and I don't believe knowledge increases the chances of having sex at a young age. When I was 18 I honestly never heard of STD's and I didn't even know what oral sex was lol. I look at the whole topic as medical and I don't feel embarrassed talking about it - I was caught a little off guard with this topic though. I wouldn't want my child to feel it's a sin to engage in masturbation. I feel sorry for some people in the older generation who were made to feel ashamed.

I'm glad that you're bringing your daughters up differently that the older generations and maybe even mine were brought up. They'll feel more apt to come to their mother with their problems instead of looking to their peers for (possibly false) information

Only you can prevent neurotypical jerkiness!

thank you Lynne.

TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER (talk of abuse in my answer)




Yes, I was caught, m**t**b**ing, as a very young child and was systematically, repeatedly told that it was bad and wrong and that "god would punish me for even wanting these feelings".

These words and experiences were often punctuated with physical hitting, slapping and even deprivation.

I am 42 now and I still have terror memories when I even feel s*x*al.

ty so much,

Billi

((billi leli)) - I'm sorry you were punished and made to feel shame over this. Hopefully you can heal and develop healthier attitudes towards sex in the future.

Lynn P, I'd also like to say I think you handled that very well.

I feel kind of redundant but would like to share my bit. I never thought about touching myself when I was a kid. The thought that it might feel good just never occurred to me at all - we never really discussed sex in my house, or heard our parents doing it, etc. It was only once my more liberal friends bought me a toy for my 18th (yes!) birthday that I realised what I was missing! I still feel like the odd one out, the 'wrong' one for never having done it before.

ty Lynne for your words.

Billi

I was 12 or 14 when I started "self-servicing" lol. I felt dirty for a long time. I was raised catholic. My parents never to my knowledge found out and or haven't confronted me about it. As a 22 year old lesbian, I've fallen away from the church and have much different views on the subject of masturbation. It's normal and healthy.

I do not see how discussing masturbation can be harder than discussing sex. Masturbattion is a simple subject involving one person. Sex is a complex subject involving interrelationships between people which can be tricky and non trivial. As a rule, discussing complex subjects is harder than discussing simple subjects, just as learning to take second derivatives is harder than learning the multiplication table.

That was a propos of nothing, though.

My question is to people who have seen this whole thread. I do not have time to read it.

The question is ~ would this thread be helpful for a young person to come to terms with masturbation as a valid way to pass time for personal enjoyment?

Meaning, I hope to find something simple and uplifting for a person who has been very confused. Clear message and not too much cerebral debate.

Is that it?

lol Well, do keep in mind it's Lynn's daughter, and an 8 year old to boot (well, at the time...lol ancient topic ). It doesn't have to be harder than talking about sex at all...lol sex is usually considered an awkward parential topic to begin with (at least as I understand...I'm not a parent by any means). My own kid sis is only a few years younger than Lynn's at the time of posting this...lol I'm dreading her asking me about it, if I get "picked," so to speak.

Anyway, it has been ages since I've read through this, but if memory serves, it could help, yes. It's mostly people recounting stories of their own "talk" about it. Ultimately though, you'd have to read it yourself and garner your own understanding of it's applicability to your own situation.

I felt the same way. I felt it was something dirty that I shouldn't be doing or that it was a curse. I wrote to Girl's Life magazine about it and my question was printed in the magazine. She (Dear Carol) told me it was perfectly normal. Of course, now that I am older, I think it is perfectly natural. I don't know how I would address it to my child, I would reassure them that it is something done in private but that it is normal and that I was there for them if they have questions.

I told my kids that their genitals were there for pleasure and exploration when they were alone when they were... not sure... definitely already verbal, on the one hand, but before school, on the other hand.

Sex involves other people who are unpredictable and whose behavior we cannot control. That is why it is such a complicated issue. Masturbation, on the other hand, is self contained.

Thank you, I will recommend the discussion to that forum member who, I believe, might benefit from it.

I think you will need to be proactive, rather than wait for questions and offer reassurance in a reactive manner. Nothing bad in offering reassurance in a reactive manner, no, still an excellent way to proceed and to be available for your child(ten), but I think the proactive approach wins, at the end of the day.

Also, the adjective "normal" is sort of tepid. Neutral. Lukewarm. You probably would want to use adjectives with more positive connotations. More unequivocally uplifting and life affirming, so to speak.

Trust me, I won't be having this discussion for many many many years. It's really too far away to think of how it will actually happen.

It sounds like you have a good strategy and know what things you will be doing at what times in your life.

You’re a wonderful mom, Lynn! I wish I was able to be as open and honest with my parents.

Sex has always been a forbidden subject with my family, not for religious or moral reasons, but I imagine because there is so little trust between us that there is no way we would talk about it with each other.

I was first exposed to masturbation when my dad used to molest and abuse me at night, after I was beaten for mistakes on my homework when I came home from school. Although I might be off with the years – I remember events by what grade I was in and not what age I was – I think that by the time I was 8 years old, or maybe around 10, I was already compulsively masturbating until it hurt and believed I was nothing more than an object of sexual pleasure for older individuals.

Shame and disgust were core features of my self-identify by the time I was your daughter’s age, Lynn, and I was first hospitalized around that age for self-harm.

Even though my dad is dead now I still can’t be honest to my mother about anything – I don’t think she really cares how I feel or what is happening in my life. It makes me feel so desperate for a GF, someone that will acknowledge me and someone that I can talk to about personal issues, who isn't paid to either.

Of course though I can’t find women that want anything to do with me. People don’t understand how lonely and lost I feel each and everyday. Although I am told that the ‘right one’ will appear someday, I don’t think I can live like this for another 10 years before someone sees something worthwhile and lovable in me. It’s hard enough to make it through each day as it is; the loneliness is soul-crushing, and is one the biggest emotional issues I struggle with.

I don't think you're nuts talking about this at all. I feel the same way sometimes. I don't think I'm ever going to have a real relationship with a male or female (I'm bi). I'm not unattractive (so I've been told many, many times) but for some reason, relationships elude me. I can't seem to get anyone to stay past one date. I haven't been in a relationship since 2009. So I just figure that being with myself is all I have. It most certainly is self-soothing. I used to feel ashamed, but there is no shame in it. Right now... I'm all I have.

That made me really sad to type. I try not to think of it this way. I try to remind myself that, right now, I just have some social issues that I'm working on. That maybe it won't always be this way. Maybe it will but...hopefully not.

On the original topic: 15 years ago, I read step-by-step, year-by-year instructions for parents in re sex education of their children. I believe they were put together by AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists, which is the professional organization of sexual health specialists in the US. I do not see the instructions immediately visible on the website now, though, but I am sure they are somewhere and have been improved and enhanced in the interim. They started with diaper changes.