Mature Discussion About Masturbation

Trigger - I put a trigger on this in case this brings up difficult memories for some people.




I realize for some people this is an awkward subject, since it's a solitary activity. The reason I'm approaching this topic is because it came up with my youngest(8yr old) yesterday. I won't go into the whole story for privacy reasons. She was visibly upset(not from me) and I sensed this was where the topic was going, so I hinted "sometimes when we touch ourselves it feels good". Then she was brave enough to ask "is it okay Mommy"? I took a deep breath and said "yes it's normal, but something that's private". Then she said "I thought this is a bad sin to do and you would be mad at me?. In the end she hugged me and said "I feel alot better now, knowing I'm not bad." I told her I was glad she talked to me and anytime she's worried, she can talk to me.

When I had children, I rehearsed in my mind, what my response would be if I accidently found one of my kids engaging in masturbation. I've heard of other peoples bad experiences and didn't want to do this to my children.

So I thought it would be interesting to share what happened when you were a kid - did you feel like it was a sin or did you have a bad experience with getting caught? Or maybe your parent handled the subject well. I'm also interested in hearing from parents and how they would handle it with their children? If it came up - was it just ignored or did you explain it's a normal but private experience?

Personally when I grew up, the feeling was - it was a shameful thing even though it wasn't discussed. I realize it's awkward to think about children deriving pleasure from their bodies - maybe that's why it a tricky subject.

I admit the whole subject was a little awkward - good thing I was driving and she was in the back seat lol. But I'm glad she brought it up and we had a successful conversation. Its was almost surreal, because I knew she would remember this conversation forever and I wanted to say the right thing, so she could feel good about herself.

You handled that so well Lynn! I just want to share, I think your a fantastic parent from your various posts.

I do recall my mom having a discussion with me about it one time, and how it isn't something to be ashamed of or isnt' wrong, it is just something one does privately and it is a healthy normal thing to do.

I don't recall ever feeling shame, or that masturbation was wrong and I shouldn't be doing it, and I still don't have any feelings of shame, guilt, etc. My mom was very dysfunctional in some ways, but when it comes to having the sex talk I must admitt she did a very good job, and I don't ever feel awkward asking her questions when I have them.

I hope this was some help Lynn,

Best Wishes
Typo

Thanks for responding ((Typo)) and I'm glad your mother handled the topic well with you. This is obviously why you have a healthy attitude towards it today. Thank you for sharing.

I grew up in the dark ages [exact dates not specified lol] before sex had been invented, so of course parents didn't discuss masturbation with kids lest the kids get ideas or something. I got the picture, and made sure I didn't get caught so there'd be nothing to discuss.

I was a Boy Scout for only a few months but kept their handbooks around as references for years afterwards. The phrasing I remember is something like [I accidentally typed "something lie" the first time! ] "If you have practiced masturbation, don't let it make you blue and ill. Do your best to break the habit..."

Masturbation? What the heck was that? I looked it up in our even older family dictionary and was told it meant "self pollution". Not very helpful but more than anything else, it started me out doing my own investigating instead of relying on authoritative sources.

The other handbook, which I didn't even get till a few years later, explained in general terms what the word meant but cautioned that "No real boy would do it." It took me a while to get over that but now I'm down on the Boy Scouts and puritans of every stripe and leaning more to, "Let's hear it for us imitation boys!"

Lynn, it sounds like you did great! And Typo, my impression is that your parents obviously did something right.

LOL Fool Zero - thanks for the laugh....."self pollution and imitation boys" very funny.

this has been an interesting topic for me especially as of late. i too, like fool zero, grew up in the dark ages so to speak and even sex was never discussed let alone this (still struggle to even say the word). heck, my mom didn't even warn me about a womans special time if you will. when that first began for me i totally freaked out! i couldn't help but wonder if there was something majorly wrong with me. i gave it a little time to see if it would just pass or stop but it didn't. so i felt i had to take this up with my mom. (i always dreaded approaching her with health issues cause i had a lot of kidney infections as a kid, a lot of broken bones from wreckless abandonement while playing types of things thus lots of drs visits) they paid out of pocket for all of this too, so i was concerned about this as well. when i finally told her what was happening she laughed at me and told me oh that's no big deal. then she explained what was happening. my thought was "thanks for warning me. scare me to death why don't ya".

anyways, back to this subject i'm still not sure my take on this to be honest. i hear that its ok, but i'm still just not sure what to make of it. i caught my son at it a while back. i couldn't talk to him about it cause i don't know my own take on the matter (still), but at the same time i didn't give him any dirty looks or nothing of the sort. i just walked away to give him his privacy although he was in the living room, and i had been in my bedroom.

i'm glad you seemed to handle this very well with your daughter. this kind of line of support is very good for her, and she's lucky to have you being there for her. this will provide for future safety in her sharing future issues with you as well.

take care and best wishes

You handled the situation superbly! The awkward feeling that comes with discussing this type of thing lasts a few minutes, but the knowledge, love, and acceptance you taught your daughter will last a life time.

I have always felt dirty, I feel like I am going to get punished for it. I guess that is just my own fear. My family is very open and as I discussed in the abuse forum, a little TOO open sometimes.

I am EXTREMELY embarrassed to talk about myself in this way. I was going to make a thread about it but I have been too embarrassed, so I'll just say it now. I have noticed that it is making me depressed, and that I cry afterwards sometimes because it makes me feel alone. It's something I want with someone else. I think it's just to make up for lack of affection with another person, you know? I realise that whoever I am thinking about is someone that doesn't exist and never will and I'm alone.
I'm trying to explain this so that it makes sense but without going into more detail.

As for catching people, I have an embarrassing story about someone else. I was at a relatives house with some other relatives and we were using the video camera. I was fast forwarding through old footage to see if there was anything interesting, and I came across one of my relatives filming themselves masturbating in front of a mirror. I can't tell you how disturbing that was for me...

Sounds like you're self-soothing. I figure there are worse ways to self-soothe but if you find yourself having to do it more than you consider appropriate, here's a suggestion: while you self-soothe with one hand (so to speak), with the other keep looking at what's going on for you that you need all that self-soothing for, and how you might be able to address it that could begin to resolve it for you.

Best of luck to you, Evening, and thank you for sharing about that!

But what if I use both hands? Haha I'm kidding, maybe.
I think it's a loneliness thing, and that the only 'male affection' I am ever going to get is in my head because I can't have a relationship in real life. I even 'hold hands' with myself sometimes and imagine I'm holding hands someone else, or I put my arm around myself and imagine it's somebody.
I must sound nuts talking about all this...

It seems to me that this is exactly the sort of discussion that Psych Central is designed to promote. If you did happen to sound nuts to somebody, imo that would say more about them than about you.

Maybe I missed something; I don't get why you can't have a relationship if you're up for one.

It's quite possible that your wanting male affection is not at all the same thing as wanting to be in a relationship with an actual person, and that you might need to sort those out for yourself. (A bit forward of me to suggest that, isn't it? Do I sound nuts now? lol)

Yes, books really did talk about "self-pollution" and taking cold showers to make it go away, and so on. The only sex-education I got by my mother was one of those books left out where I would find it. That and asking if men and women actually did that. I couldn't believe it.

I would like a relationship but I am too terrified of it, I'm scared of intimacy, I have huge trust issues, I have never had a positive male influence and my family has had so many divorces and abusive relationships. Plus I was abused myself (not sexually). So my view of relationships is kind of distorted (well I don't think it's distorted, but everyone else seems to think so).
To be totally honest if I WERE in an actual relationship physical intimacy wouldn't happen, I could barely hold hands with someone let alone have sex with them.

I'm pretty sure a lot of us can relate to at least parts of that. I hope you'll stick around, keep looking at how you experience relationships, and keep posting about it.

Sounds as if your current view of relationships is that (among other things) they're something to protect yourself from. If that's what you need to be doing right now to keep yourself safe, I don't think it's distorted at all. If, in time, you were to decide that there were more important things than protecting yourself, you might then want to call your present outlook "distorted". Right now, though, that would be getting ahead of yourself.

Very well handled!!
As a child I was never caught out - guess my parents managed to avoid the CHAT, as the topic never really came up. I also only started playing around when I was around 16 years old. I then did a fair bit of research on the internet and learnt the rest from myself

I pretty much travelled through my adolescence on my own. There was no one to have the talk with me so I had no idea about anything growing up. Everything came as a surprise to me. I don't recall engaging in any self arrosal either. I didn't really develop a healthy view of sex. It was always something dirty and disgusting to me. To intimate I think.

As a parent I have been very open about topics around sex and sexuality with my son. They tend to come up casually now and then and get discussed like any other topic. The one time I did walk into the living room to see my son fondling himself all I said was 'take it to your room.' He gets that it is pretty natural but private.

I think you handled it beautifully with your girl Lynn. And I think you are right. She will always remember how you respected her inquiry. Well done.

You're getting it now on Psych Central...

Wow, you're an amazing mom. I grew up thinking that it was a horrible sin, and that God wouldn't love me if I maturbated. But I couldn't help it. Even now, I feel dirty when I self satisfy.
I've never had to deal with that subject with my own kids. We are a very open family, my kids talk to me all the time about sex and anything else that crosses their minds. But this subject has never come up. My youngest are now 16, and we talk openly about the fact that they both feel they are bi-sexual. Guess it runs in the family, so am I. We've discussed in length the differences in relationships. I feel great that they feel they can come to me.

Thank you to everyone who's responded so far with your encouragement and sharing your feelings. I'm glad attitudes have changed considerably from years ago. I think many adults struggle with mixed feelings about it.

Last year on Oprah, they were discussing teenagers having sex too early and what methods work for discouraging early exploration. The sex therapist said that sex education works best and even suggested we should encourage teenagers to use self pleasuring, instead of having sex - the audience gasped. Her theory was, teenagers would have an outlet for their urges and not feel they need to have sex.

(((Evening))) - I'm sorry you struggle with loneliness. I hope your situation improves

Wow Lynn you really handled that beautifully. Well done. You are a great mom.

My parents never discussed it with me. I was given a book to look at and read and then come to them with any questions when I was finished. I was way too embarrassed and scared of repercussions to have any questions. I felt like I would be in trouble, or that they would "worry about me" like they so often told me. I could tell it was a taboo subject with them and didn't want any discussions to go bad.

I remember discovering what can happen if you pleasure yourself, and I looked at it in a good light but always private. I knew I would be in trouble if I was caught, but I got lucky and never got did. My parents had a "no closed doors" policy. So it was always a rebellious sort of thing for me too. But always late at night when I thought everyone was sleeping soundly.