Another confession...

This was too explicit for the abuse section, so please take care in reading. Could be very triggering to those who are sensitive.




I’ve been submissive sexually for a lot of my life. I’ve never known how to be assertive, so initiation was always a problem for me until I got older. I would have such intense fear of rejection and abandonment that I couldn’t make that move to take things to the next level. I’d always allow the woman I was with to give me the signals and I would proceed. It’s likely a self-confidence issue and something I developed as a defensive mechanism. My first adult sexual experience was marred by an insensitive partner that made me extremely sensitive about my performance until I realized I was just inexperienced.

In the relationship after that, I barely had to try to please my partner. It was what many would refer to as an “explosive” combination. I was young and naïve; I was very deeply in love. There were so many warning signs about the relationship. She once tied me up and left the room, leaving the door open so my roommates could see me tied to the bed, naked. She liked shaming and slapping me around. She stopped taking her birth control without telling me and we got pregnant.

Immediately my life changed, my priorities shifted, as they should for anyone attempting to be a responsible parent. The mother of my daughter became so unstable, I don’t even know how to describe it. She would get angry hit me or wave knives around at me. She cut me a couple of times.

She slept with our roommate at 5 months pregnant with my daughter. She did it while her parents were in town and staying with us. It was revenge for standing up to her parents when they insulted me. I was sleeping in our living room in a beanbag chair because her parents were sleeping in our bed. A few hours before, while her parents were out, they kissed in front of me and laughed at me together. She told me what she was going to do before she did it. She told me if I said anything, she would leave town with her parents and I’d never even have a chance to meet our baby. She later recounted the entire experience to me in vivid detail. I’d had enough. I didn’t want to be with her anymore, not to mention have sex. She obviously cared nothing for my feelings.

We slept in different beds or at different times for about a week. Afterwards, she approached me while I was sleeping and woke me up, asking me to have sex. She shamed me, telling me that it was my duty as her future husband to give her what she wanted. I told her no. Of course not, what about the other guy?

This wasn’t good enough for her. She became darker, more menacing. She sat down next to me on the bed and touched my thigh. She said if I didn’t, she would leave and never come back. She would make sure that I never saw my daughter. She would tell her parents that I raped her. She touched my face lovingly as she said the last part and smiled. It was a terrifying dichotomy.

I told her no again, to call her bluff. Her hand tensed and she pulled me by my hair as hard as she could, bunching it up in her hands. She was bigger than me, and I wasn’t strong enough to keep her off of me without using enough force that I thought I’d harm the baby. She straddled me and started kissing my neck, threats pouring from her mouth as she came up for air. She told me I’d let her do anything she wanted. She told me I’d give her all of myself, and that I would belong to her forever. She shamed me for my reactions, positive or negative. I begged her, pleaded with her to stop this. She clawed my chest hard enough to draw blood. She told me that if I couldn’t, she would follow through with every threat. She said she would make my life a living hell.
So I did. I let her have what she wanted and faked my reactions. I retreated inside myself and cried. Tears streamed down my face. She saw them and wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to let her see me cry, but I didn’t have a choice. It seemed to make her enjoy it more.

Afterwards, she didn’t talk to me. She has never acknowledged it happened.

I’ve told people this story before, only a trusted few. The reactions were mixed. Some don’t believe that a man could be taken like that, that it’s physiologically impossible. I don’t really know how to explain it, but of course I felt pleasure, but the pleasure was twisted into something I didn’t want, something hurtful, controlling and manipulative. I still feel so much shame, not even really for her assaulting me. I am ashamed because I allowed myself to be manipulated, to be controlled in such a facile way.

I still talk to her almost every week. She has custody of my daughter. It’s hard to deal with. I’d do it all over again for my daughter, though. She is more than worth it.

Honestly I have no idea what to say to make anything better. What she did and continues to do is sick and disgusting not only as a human being but especially as a mother. Your daughter shouldn't be in a situation like that. Have you tried to talk to the police or protective services about it? Using an innocent child as leverage to get what you want is so disgusting to me. Is there anyone who could attest for her behavior? She sounds narcissistic, manipulative and frankly, insane. I really hope you talk to someone who can save your daughter from her. I don't even want to think of the things she is doing or saying in front of her.

I'm so sorry to hear about all that!!

My husband was the submissive in his relationship with his XW, and she raped him on more than one occasion. Men can and are raped or taken advantage of by women...but then no-one believes it because "that's not possible". It is...

I think it's horrible for that to happen to anyone!

Thank you for your response. I hope I don't sound too much like I'm defending her with this message, but for my own and my daughter's sake I've had to separate who she was then and what happened to me with who she is now. She's not better in every way, but she has become more stable over time. It's been over a dozen years since this happened.

She was the least stable while she was pregnant and afterward. I'm convinced she had some sort of hormonal issue combined with childhood abuse and after giving birth, postpartum depression. I stayed with her after the incident I described above out of fear, eventually out of trying to work things out for my daughter. We couldn't work it out and she refused to seek any sort of help. I took steps to protect my daughter then and had custody for a few years. Eventually, I lost custody when my marriage to my ex-wife ended. That's another story altogether.

Objectively speaking, I have to recognize she isn't a completely incompetent or bad parent for my daughter to have turned out as well as she has. But, you are certainly right that she still behaves in ways and says things that are inappropriate.

I could just be bargaining with myself because I feel guilty about not being able to do more to protect my daughter. I tried my absolute best.

i am really sorry that happened to you and that a child was used as a barganing chip in the relationship

I hope you get to see your daughter now and that you have a good realtionship and that she is safe

Being abuse has on occasssion left peopel wihtthe need to "pay back" the other sex for the abuse they endured - perhaps this is what she was trying to do to you - or using the same techniques that were used to control her - on you

i hope she gets some help

and i hope you are ok now - if not please get help - yu dont deserve to suffer because of this

P7