I am a survivor of emotional child abuse. The problem was my mother. She raised me to be an adult from the start, was physically cold and told me from a young age that love was not important and that I was born to take care of her. She isolated me from other children and from my father. I am now an adult but have no interest in relationships and have no friends as I never learned how to have fun. Recently, I have had problems holding a job particularly where my boss is a woman. I am a hard worker and don't understand what is going on and would appreciate if others could shed light on this for me. Here are some examples:

My last job started off well - the quality of my work was well above that of my predecessors. My boss - a woman - had a reputation for being mean; she was a bully. Criticism soon started. She objected to me eating at McDonald's (she accused me of eating there daily when, in fact, I only ate there once a week at most) and for eating non-organic foods; she criticized the music I listened to at my desk doing my mostly data entry job. I thought she was a hypocrite - who was she to lecture me on good health when she smoked cigarettes like a fiend? I said nothing not wanting to escalate things but her criticisms only increased. One of the bosses asked us to help him with a client who was a problem - the client always played stupid. My boss disliked the client asked me to deal directly with the client even though it was not in my job description. Hoping to get on her good side, I agreed. When the client emailed me with questions and work, I responded immediately. The client was very pleased but my boss criticized me because my other work was not getting done. She told me that all of my other work had to be done before I could reply to the problem client. That meant I could not answer the client's emails for a week; I felt that was rude and would hurt me with the boss who had the client. There were other matters too. The last straw was when she threw a fit in front of the department, screaming and grabbing papers off my desk looking for a missing letter that, of all things, I told her 3 times I had given her and should be on her desk. I panicked, ran to her office, saw the letter and brought it to her. I yelled - here's the letter, it was on your desk. She lied and told management that I had put the letter on her desk and that she did not feel safe around me. I was fired.

Before that, I worked in a firm that consisted mostly of women and was very feminist. I was warned by, of all people, the doorman to the building who told my boss that when she hired men it always ended badly. I was also warned by a co-worker to watch out for a problem employee and that if I was fired the president would say things so that no one else would hire me. The problems started almost immediately. The problem employee would do everything she could to harass me. Once, she asked if I liked to sleep around. I replied that it was not my style. She asked if I liked to play around when in a relationship. I said that I could not bring myself to do that. Then, she decreed that I was prejudiced because she believed in free love and that my thoughts were harassing her. She proceeded to do everything in her power to distract me and complained to the sympathic president. I was asked if I would change desks (to one out of her sight - a reason was not given). I said no; I did not believe I had done anything wrong. I was then given progressively more and more work to the point that it was unreasonable. I complained about the work load several times. (Other employees had walked out or were fired, and I had been asked to help out until a replacement was found. It took over a year for a capable replacement to be hired.) I worked a lot of overtime, still could not keep up and was exhausted. I started suffering from PTSD though I did not know what it was at the time. Other employees started insulting me more and more. Finally, I cracked and could not stop yelling at one of them after they had been rude. I was blamed and fired. The warning was true, the president labeled me an abuser and did everything she could to prevent me from getting a job. She even called my prior employers and asked them not to give me references.

Even walking on the sidewalk here in NYC, I find that I am bullied by women. I have a bad foot and am often in pain when I walk. Because of this problem, I walk on the right so that people can pass me. Young women purposely walk into me. They expect me to get out of their way and walk around them. It is more prevalent among some ethnic groups but women of all ethnicities shoulder me as they walk by; they have no concern for manners. It seems to be a matter of empowerment / entitlement. I discussed it with a friend. He deals with the same issue and says that if people want to walk into him, then let them. He refuses to walk like a receiver avoiding tackles. Does anyone know what this behavior is all about? Can anyone make suggestions on what I should do to protect myself on the job? I feel like I am a sitting duck.

[lynn P.]

((unhappy)) - wow those are some horrible bullying and harassment you've suffered in the workplace. I think this thread should go to the Relationship and Communication forum. Maybe you didn't learn assertiveness because of your childhood and at 1st appear like an easy target even though later you express yourself, but in a negative way. I'm thinking if you nip the bullying early, then it won't build up to the point where you lose it. I'm not blaming you at all - just saying if they sense the victim will tolerate it, they'll continue. I'm sorry these bad experiences happened to you.