[MsBunny]

I keep myself from freaking out by repeating in my head "I'm straight" and just overall forgetting the existence of homosexuality. But I still worry about it. Unfortunately, I cannot just continue to always live in ignorance and reality sometimes hits me hard. I was watching television and now I think that I'm in love with one of the female characters. It has me freaking out although I seem calm. But if I was really calm I would be constantly thinking about this and of course I would not be on this site- typing all this out at 4:25am. I'm scared that it feels similar to legitimate crushes I've had on boys in the past but it could very well just be from paranoia. I have a problem with over thinking small things. I'm actually not sure I really have a crush on this person but I don't like the thought of it. But I've been dealing with this whole thing for so long that sometimes I really do believe that this is what I want. Of course, I freak out about those ''feeling okay with it'' thoughts directly after they float through my head. I don't know why exactly, but I don't want to know it I'm Lesbian, Bisexual, or something other than straight. It would seem that I only want to discover that I'm straight and will not be content with anything other than that.
For reasons unknown, I have been concerning myself with other people's sexuality, too. I've noticed as people walk by me I would examine them and judge their sexuality based on how they acted. Why would I place that as any of my business? It does not at all effect me. I feel like a jerk by doing it, too. Another thing relative to this point is that if I see a post in a website or an article in a magazine with the word "gay" or a related title, I feel compelled to read it. It's just hard to ignore for some reason. I've also been freaking out about a movie I saw in English class and I kept staring at the girl's chest! Why would I do that if I wasn't a lesbian? My female teacher also commented on how she was showing quite a bit of cleavage so that makes me feel a bit better... but not by much.
Before I began to doubt myself, I would cheer myself up by thinking about a time in the future where I would be completely cleared of school, with the perfect husband and children. But all the crushes I had now seem like they never happened. They certainly did, but it feels more like a dream or fake. My crushes felt real at the time, but eventually I just gave up on the people I liked. It was usually after finding out that they were in a relationship, or realizing that the possibility of us being together was very low considering we rarely ever spoke. So, my crushes were sort of brief and that also has me worried. Maybe I am a lesbian and maybe those crushes were just confusion. I don't like thinking that. My worry gets worse so easily, too. I state a bunch of things and some comments "Why would you even care if you're bisexual?" and for some reason it's like I just got stamped in the forehead with permanent, bold, letters spelling "GAY" in capital letters. I can't answer that with a proper answer! Actually, I know I'll end up over thinking that question or finding out something I don't want to so I try not to really honestly think about it -But that just makes it sound even more like denial!
I've already forgotten what else I was going to jot down. Your opinion on this though is appreciated. I have posted threads very similar to this and I know how annoying it can be to listen to the same person talk about the same thing continuously, so I'll really try to cut back on posting threads like this. (I annoy myself sometimes!)

In short, I'm worried because a girl called me a lesbian and I took it too seriously. I never questioned my sexuality before that incident and now I'm starting to really be convinced that I'm actually gay.

[CantExplain]

You are on a journey of sexual self-discovery. Things will become clearer with time.

It's no fun to be judged, especially if you think that judgement doesn't fit.

To obsess about sexuality is fairly normal for a teenager. I'm sorry you are finding the process so painful.

It is well known and accepted that schoolgirls get crushes on both boys and girls, so your crushes don't really indicate much about your orientation.

[lynn P.]

Since this all started from a comment that was made to you and you were fine before - I think this is obsessive thinking. Its not like you're fighting natural feelings of being gay. You're all worried you might be gay and aren't experiencing any pleasurable attraction. If you have a Pdoc you need to tell him/her you're having a hard time. Try to stop over thinking and just continue with your life. Its also easier to stick with your original threads since they're the same topic.

[CantExplain]

I found a very wise post on another thread that I'd like to share with you.

Tons of people all over the world love the taste of chocolate. But there will always be people that really don't like it but maybe they'll try it again and think ''Maybe if I try another brand/give it another shot I'll like it."

I highly doubt that a different sexual orientation is a mental disorder. It's just simply a preference. No two people are exactly the same and even if it seems everyone in the entire world enjoys a specific thing, there is more than one person that hates that thing. It might not be a common occurrence, but it's definitely a normal one. What you said about oral, some people may hate chocolate but those same people may like chocolate cake- if I'm not confusing you too much. Sorry, I like using examples like that.

[notz]

There are no "proper" answers.

[MsBunny]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Since this all started from a comment that was made to you and you were fine before - I think this is obsessive thinking. Its not like you're fighting natural feelings of being gay. You're all worried you might be gay and aren't experiencing any pleasurable attraction. If you have a Pdoc you need to tell him/her you're having a hard time. Try to stop over thinking and just continue with your life. Its also easier to stick with your original threads since they're the same topic.

The reason I ask so much is because each day I have a new thought or new worry and for some reason I have to seek the opinions of others since I can't say it for myself. I let that one girl judge who I was and this is unfortunately not much different from that. I've recently been feeling like I really am having an affection for girls within these last few days- like I'm fine with it all. If I'm not constantly thinking the thoughts a had before I began worrying, then I know longer feel honestly heterosexual and I just don't want that because maybe I feel that I still could be heterosexual and I don't want to give that chance up.
I just got a family doctor finally this year, but she really is useless in that department because we only saw her twice before she unexpectedly left for maternal leave. She probably won't be coming back afterwards, either.

[MsBunny]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I found a very wise post on another thread that I'd like to share with you.

I'm hoping that's altered because I swear I wrote sexual preference?!
Like getting slapped in the face by my reflection... I see where you're getting at but that still freaks me out. Plus the fact that it freaks me out seems like a huge indicator that I am in denial. I mean, it wouldn't freak me out if I knew I was heterosexual, would it? I know of a something someone gave me on a different website before, too, and since I still remember it it must've helped a lot at the time. I don't know if I can really believe it or not but it was something like:
You: The sky is blue.
OCD: Nope, the sky is red.
You: Huh? Nah, it's clearly blue.
OCD: You must be colour blind because it's red.
You: Hm. Maybe it really was red this whole time...

But I'm still not sure I can keep that in mind at all because what if it's not my situation? What if I am gay and just trying to put off the truth for as long as possible and covering it up with this OCD thing?

[notz]

But I'm still not sure I can keep that in mind at all because what if it's not my situation? What if I am gay and just trying to put off the truth for as long as possible and covering it up with this OCD thing?

Projecting into the future with the "what if" scenario will keep you stuck.

[MsBunny]

Originally Posted by notz

Projecting into the future with the "what if" scenario will keep you stuck.

I will definitely keep this in mind. It never really occurred to me before but that does seem like a huge problem... I don't necessarily want to move on from the time I was sure of myself, though. I want that back so I've been trying to retrieve it. Pretty much like trying to freeze time.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by MsBunny

I'm hoping that's altered because I swear I wrote sexual preference?!
Like getting slapped in the face by my reflection... I see where you're getting at but that still freaks me out. Plus the fact that it freaks me out seems like a huge indicator that I am in denial.

Yes, I did alter it, and I guess it wasn't fair to quote your own words back at you. You've taken it well, though.

Here's how it was for me: "Nothing wrong with being gay. Anyone can be gay, it doesn't bother me. But I'm not allowed to be gay."