Lamborghini with no track and no gas

Hello, I am new here. This is mostly about venting I suppose because I know that I really need a sex therapist.

I am 68 years old, a retired white collar professional with a nice family and a very comfortable lifestyle. Most people would probably think I “have it together,” and I admit that on the outside it probably appears that way. However, on the inside, I am a “psycho-sexual mess”--a Lamborghini racecar with no gas and no track to run on.

I have always had a very high sex drive and always could easily have sex a half dozen times a day, if the circumstances were right, I.e. if I had the right partner. I have been married to my wife almost 46 years. Despite our ages we are still both pretty vigorous so physicality should not restrict us.. I play golf several times a week. In the beginning, my wife and I had somewhat of a normal sexual relationship, even though she has always been inhibited. We had regular plain-vanilla sex for a couple of years before we were married and it was fairly satisfactory.

My wife never had the high sex drive that I still have and the longer we were married, the less interest she had. I always craved receiving oral sex, but my wife never has gone down on me one time. She used to allow cuninlingus and I loved to do it; I love the aroma and the taste of the vulva and vagina. I have always loved breast play, especially with my mouth. She doesn’t even like me to see her nude anymore. I moved out of her bedroom in 1997.

At this point, a combination of factors have led me to have erectile dysfunction. They included my age, prostate surgery, emotional baggage, and frigidity and physical limitations on my wife’s part. I have tried all the drugs like Viagra. My urologist prescribed a vacuum pump which worked for a while. However, I began having a distortion on my penis, similar to a hernia. I was afraid to continue using it. I still could and would like to be able to pleasure a woman with my mouth and fingers if I had the chance. I still have a high sex drive and I masturbate regularly using a big massager since I cannot get an erection. The vibrator allows me to have excellent orgasms. I have no other sexual outlet at this time.

To complicate matters, I have latent/closeted bisexual urges. I constantly fantasize about giving oral sex to men. I am not attracted to men per se, but I am definitely interested in the male genitalia. I love to look at pictures of male genitalia and day dream about being in bed with a well endowed man, giving him oral sex. When I was a teenager and a young man, I experimented a little with other teenagers and men, but I have done nothing like that since I have been married. However, now if I had the chance under the “right circumstances,” I could very easily and would like to get it on with “the right guy” who would have to be someone I could trust, and who had attractive genitalia. I would not give oral to someone whose genitalia was not attractive to me.

As I said as the outset, I know I need therapy, but I would be interested in your responses.

I just posted in your other topic.

Wow, that sounds very frustrating! Most definitely , i highly recommend sex therapist for both you and your wife. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled/satisfied. As far as being attracted to same gender, how honest of you. I think it's pretty normal, but most men are too homophobic to admit it. I believe studies show that it can be common to be attracted mainly to opposite sex but also
fascinated by the same gender sexually. Sexuality, i believe, is more fluid sometimes than just
Gay or straight.

Likewater, thanks for responding. You are correct that therapy for both could be helpful. However, we went through 12 weeks of marital counselling in the mid-90s, which she ultimately rejected by saying the therapist and I had "ganged-up" on her. That therapy was directed at more general issues, but my experience with her on that and the enormous amount of psycho-baggage we have makes joint therapy impossible. I recently contracted a therapist for myself only, but that fell through because of administrative reasons. You are certainly correct about my level of frustration. Despite my disability, I have an extremely high level of sexual energy and desire. I know that I could give great pleasure to a partner in bed, if I had the chance. Every young woman I see is a fantasy for me. I don't necessarily react the same way with every man, but I would leap at the chance for an ongoing sexual relationship with the right person.

It sounds like you have some decisions to make. You deserve to be happy. It takes two people to make a marriage and relationship
work. It sounds like you two are roomates and lack emotional/sexual intimacy and you want more. I don't blame you; i would too.
There could be many reasons your wife is unable to be intimate. My first marriage ended and i was unable to be due to childhood SA.
I just wasnt ready to deal with any of it yet. But i dont know what's going on with you two, how deep your love/bond is, what wounds are there etc. All i can say is please be kind/gentle with your wife as you dont know what type of battle she might be fighting, and i wish both of you well that you can find healing and get your needs met. Maybe you'll meet those needs together or apart. It's up to you two

Not even roomates: housemates. I think her increased emphasis on her faith in recent years is partly to blame for her Victorian persona in bed. Even when she was at the height of her sexuality, she never had the passion that many women have. I think I am just doomed to this living hell.

Why do you think you are doomed to living hell? You can always seek therapy on a sliding scale. There are low cost options out
there. For sexual issues, there are a lot of helpful books too. Like i said, it is up to you. You decide what you do/ do not want to live
like and what you are/ are not willing to settle for. Be kind and loving to yourself as well. :-)

Thanks Likewater. I feel that I am doomed to a living hell because of the following: 1) I am sexually frustrated, unfulfilled and erectile dysfunctional, 2) After 46 years of marriage, grown kids and a grandchild I am committed to riding out this life married, 2) I have all kinds of books, 3) I have zero hope of any suitable sexual partners including my wife who has never been the passionate partner that I have needed, 4) I have not yet found a sex therapist that is readily available to me. So the living hell goes on. I suppose I have another 5-10 years to live all other things being equal. Maybe the afterlife will be different.

wow. i figure you have another 5-10 years to experiment and look for another sex therapist. seriously dude, i'm not minimizing your pain. i won't decribe what i've been through sexually because it would trigger people big time, but i HAVE lived through hell, and through the grace of my higher power, i'm alive. one thing i will NEVER do or advise anyone else to do is give up. i just think the universe has bigger plans for all of us. we are meant to be happy now and in the afterlife. it's all connected.

I do believe that He knows what He is doing, but sometimes one has to wonder doesn't he?

Wow, likewater could not have said it any better.

You are not doomed, though I can certainly relate to your frustrations on some level. Can you express this frustration to your wife? If not, why not try an online hook-up site? You can find women/men in your area and age range, I'm sure.... But whatever you do, stay optimistic. Please. And keep looking for a sex therapist; they can help you navigate through this.

Hi Summer.

Thanks for caring. Communication with my bride of 46 years has become increasingly hard on delicate matters through the years. When we were young and she still had "hot pants" we did better at things like this. But, the years have built up a lot of "psycho-baggage" of various conflicts. It is very hard to talk to her without her flying off the handle because she thinks I am acusing her of being the whole problem. For example, when I first started having erectile dysfunction, her main concern was: Is it caused by her appearance? She got very defensive over that issue even though I was not blaming her, at least out loud.

I don't remember a lot of concern by her on what she could do and what she would be willing to do to help. If she were not so Victorian and unimaginative, she could still do a lot of things that I would enjoy immensely, like oral, manual, role-playing, being spontaneous, etc. etc.

I am very leery about meeting people online. I would not rule out a relationship if I met a suitable partner, but I would not want to try an online hookup. I have some younger women friends that I flirt around with, but I am sure they think of me as a grandpa, plus they probably already have significant others.

I very much want to find a good sex therapist and I want it to be a female. I think I could more easily share all this with a female than I could a male; just easier for to talk to I think. Thanks for your ideas.

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh... But I'm a little curious... You describe your wife as frigid, Victorian, and unimaginative. Personally, I think those are very harsh words to describe someone you supposedly love. I'm also a little curious about which came first... You calling her those things or her possibly giving off that image. Also, I noticed in another thread that you mentioned you had an affair... I wouldn't be surprised if that severely hurt her self esteem. It sounds like she has very low self esteem, based on your brief descriptions of her. I also feel like you have a fairly limited idea of what you think acceptable sex is, meaning if it's not wild and crazy, it's not sex. I guess what I'm saying is... these walls that she has built up... Did she build them herself, or did you have a hand in it? I'm also curious what your reaction was when she told you that you felt like you and the therapist were ganging up on her. Did you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way -- lets go to therapy and talk about it to figure out a more balanced way of discussing things" or did you just kind of... throw in the towel? I'm a hopeless romantic, but I believe you can still have a very loving, sexual relationship with your wife if you want it. But I'm getting the sense you don't want it. So maybe you should actually consider the idea of divorce. If not for you, then for her, so that you both can find someone to love you the way you want and deserve to be loved. And don't tell me you're too old, because love doesn't have an age limit on it -- my grandfather married his second wife very late in life, and was as happy and in love as high school kid.

I'm not trying to be a brat about this, but I feel like you have been extremely hard on your wife, and I just want you to think outside of your own situation for a minute. I think there is a way to solve this so that both of you are happy. I'm not 100% sure what that would be, but I don't think you should be giving up just yet.

Again, I'm really sorry if this came off as harsh or rude...

Thanks Roman, You raised some valid questions. Although you think my descriptions are harsh, I suspect that you would agree with me if you had been dealing with these issues for as long as I have. No doubt that my extramarital affair affected our relationship; it seems EMAs always do. However, that happened 33 years ago and also, it is sort of a question of which came first: the chicken or the egg. When that happened, I was already frustrated with her low libido and versatility in bed. It is a fact that I have a high libido and she has a low libido. (Having a high libido does not make a person unfairly or perversely demanding.) Also, there were other interpersonal issues which I have not discussed here. When my EMA came to light, I thought she would want a divorce which I was prepared to do. However, that was not her reaction so I stuck with her, largely out of guilt and because of children. Some 15 years later, because of ongoing interpersonal and family situations (only secondarily sex), I gave her an ultimatum: Either go through maritial counselling or we get divorced. We did 12 weeks of counselling, which she superficially engaged in. Later, after it was all over in an argument, she accused the counsellor and me of ganging up on her. (She also never read Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus, as prescribed by the counseller as I did.) If you read my original post carefully, you may have noted that I said that outwardly our relationship is hunky-dory. Those who know us as a couple would think that we are as loving as 68-year old people can be. I do not really know what her inner feelings are about sex anymore because of the communication walls that exist. However, I do know that much of what I have shared here would be verboten with her. Believe me, because I have known this woman since 1956 when we were in the sixth grade and I started having sex with her in 1962. At this time in our lives, I can say for sure that she is not suffering from self-esteem problems--just the opposite, at least as far as I am concerned. As a teenager and young adult, she may have lacked a certain amount of self confidence, but NO MORE. I really don't think there is anything that can be done at this point that will improve my sex life with her; divorce is not an option--it is now too late for that. Thanks for your thoughtful post, however.

I tend to agree with RomanSunburn - I hear a lot of criticism for your wife and I wonder whats her take on this relationship? Firstly before a couple makes a commitment, they should consider whether they are matched sexually, so that's the 1st downfall. You boast about a high sex drive and claim she's frigid - when couples argue about sex, this squashes desire. I agree the affair and your opinion of her, wouldn't be a turn on. She may also think since you can't have intercourse, you therefore don't want sex. I wonder if she misses intercourse? You're also proud of your desire to perform oral sex on a "well endowed man". I'm not against gay or bisexuals at all but I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship when my partner desires other men or women.

Are you staying with your wife just because you don't want to break up the financial assets? Thinking about other women / men doesn't make for a growing marriage. If you were out in the single world - how would a realistic sex life look to you...minus the boasting? Do you think you could satisfy a partner 'long term' given your physical limitations? What qualities make you in the Lamborghini class besides a high sex drive.

Lynn, In 1963 we were fully matched or at least satisfactorily. That continued when we were married in 1966. After our first child in 1969, things began to change. I am not saying she has never wanted sex with me, historically. I am saying that she never, ever wanted it nearly as much as me. You may be right about her current responses in view of ED--i.e. she may think I don't want sex anymore--, but her relatively low libido--compared to mine-- existed a lot time ago, and long before my EM affair. You mis-categorized my bisexual urges as marked by "pride." I never said I was proud of that. The Lamborghini terminology refers to my powerful libido, as in the L's powerful engine and I obviously referred to "no gas" as having ED, and "no track" as the absence of a suitable partner.