[indianman]

Hi,

I am an indian man aged 23, currently experiencing a difficult phase in understanding my sexuality. I will go some key events of my life and any help will be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post, but I have had so much pain in my life and I want to vent it all out...

I was brought up in a highly conservative hindu society, where a boy falling in love with a girl is highly taboo (considered immodest), people usually marry through an arranged marriage (a setup where parents find a girl for you). Girls are restricted from talking to boys and vice versa, and sex before marriage is a huge offence, and we are wired in a way to have strong moral inhibitions to have sexual thoughts. In summary, both homosexuals and heterosexuals have to be closeted or in other words, your sexuality or sexual behavior is highly constrained by the collective moral code that the society imposes on you.

I started having sexual thoughts at the age of 11-12, when I used to fantasize women, used to get extremely aroused by watching 'F TV photographers' when I get to see hot women. I had my first nocturnal ejaculation when I had a dream of having steamy sex with an indian actress.

When I was 13, I overheard a conversation that my grandma and mother were having, where my grandma said that my horoscope says that I will never have children in future, and that horoscope predictions have never failed for any member of my family. As a 13 year old boy, this affected me greatly. I didn't know the distinctions between sterility and impotency, and I was completely convinced that I will never be able to grow up and satisfy a women sexually or father a child. [ This might sound silly, but think of it from the perspective of a 13 year old boy growing in a conservative sexually constrained society. ] I don't know if it was coincidence, I didn't grow hair on my body or face when my friends were catching up with their puberty [ Even now, I have less body and facial hair and cannot grow a full ], this worsened the botheration that I will never be a COMPLETE MAN.

When I was 15, I first got to see a girls' boob on some midnight TV show, and that was when I masturbated and had my first conscious ejaculation. This is when I realized the difference between impotency and sterility. Still the botheration that 'I will never be a father' and ' I am not a complete man because I don't have a moustache or beard' was increasing in intensity, and I remember praying to god for more body/facial hair. I thought i was suffering from hypergonadism, delayed puberty. Anytime, I see a guy, I used to look at his facial hair and feel discouraged.

This naturally intensified my insecurities ('my **** is not long enough', 'my testicles are smaller than average') this insecurity translated into a curiosity, I wanted to look at how big an adult human **** was. This curiosity/insecurity coexisted with a sexual desire for the female anatomy. I started watching porn when I was 16, I was sexually aroused by women, and feeling insecure when I saw hairy men with dicks much larger than mine ("OMG! I am never going to have a **** like that, and I am not man enough")....

Because of my insecurities and the society in which I was brought up, I never had the guts to have a relationship with a girl. And the insecurity/curiosity for male dicks slowly started to become an obsession/attraction. I started googling for websites that have pictures of human penises, gradually started watching gay porn, stared at dicks at public toilets. The feeling was 90% "OMG! his **** is much bigger" and 10% "attraction". Curiosity about men was slowly starting to border homosexuality.

In 2009, I got a chance to goto france for an internship and it was a first time I was living alone and had some privacy. I was 20, I knew I had a cute face, but I was ruminating over the same old ' I am not man enough, because my **** is less than average, I don't have body hair, I am lean and thin, and I will never be a father'. I was sexually desperate now, visited a few strip clubs and had a couple of lap dances from hot women. I was looking for women to have cam to cam sex on the yahoo messenger forum, but online forums only have men, and given my curiosity, I started ejaculating with men. This became a huge obsession/compulsion and I have done it close to 100 times now. It was rewarding and reassuring when people said "your **** looks good", and I was slowly getting attracted to the male physique. I started getting erections on seeing a nude men who are well-built.

Only last year, it hit me that I could be a homosexual, it was quite a shock to deal with. After that, I have been trying to avoid online chat with men and gay porn, tried to shift my sexual focus on women. This artificial forcing complicated things a lot, and I figured out that I was drastically loosing interest in women. I started telling myself that I was gay, but I find it extremely repulsive when I think of sucking a man's ****, or having **** sex, I don't know if it is just denial.

I still do experience strong sexual arousal on seeing lesbian porn, but there is something in my mind constantly telling me "You like men more than women", "You are not a complete man and you can never be father", "You have ejaculated with men online, obviously you are gay", "You are not actually getting aroused by women, you are gay and you are in denial"... This goes on in a loop and is confusing me a lot.

I am very successful in other aspects of my life, Been a topper through school and college, doing a PhD now in a top 5 US university, a semi-professional violinist, my friends and family love me a lot. But, I have never been in a relationship, never had sex.

I feel this is a combination of gender identity crisis, homosexual OCD. Desperately need help. Thanks for your time

[DocJohn]

Hi,

I think you sort of answered your own question in the end there... You feel it is potentially a combination of a bunch of things, and I agree with you that you sound like you may be a little confused about your sexuality. But given the societal upbringing of traditional Indian society, I don't think this is necessarily uncommon, as people don't have the sexual experiences earlier on that are common in other societies.

What you may have done is simply used what sexuality was available to you and now have been reinforced, creating a reinforcing cycle. It doesn't necessarily mean you're gay, given your unique circumstances.

But some people are attracted to both sexes (bisexual), and can be turned on by either. This is not something to feel ashamed of, but it does mean your sexuality can be even more confusing because of this. One sign of potentially being bisexual is being turned on by either men or women.

At the end of the day, the only person who can answer these questions for you is yourself. You can second-guess yourself all you want, but underneath all that second-guessing is a set of desires that are honest.

You may want to try and explore some of these issues in more depth with a professional therapist who's had experience in the area of gender sexual confusion, as it sounds like you would gain a lot of benefit from such therapy.

Take care and good luck in your journey.

Best,
DocJohn

[hanners]

Originally Posted by DocJohn

What you may have done is simply used what sexuality was available to you and now have been reinforced, creating a reinforcing cycle. It doesn't necessarily mean you're gay, given your unique circumstances.

But some people are attracted to both sexes (bisexual), and can be turned on by either. This is not something to feel ashamed of, but it does mean your sexuality can be even more confusing because of this. One sign of potentially being bisexual is being turned on by either men or women.

At the end of the day, the only person who can answer these questions for you is yourself. You can second-guess yourself all you want, but underneath all that second-guessing is a set of desires that are honest.

Everything DocJohn said is true. Bisexuality is more common than most think. You don't have to box yourself into being attracted to only one gender. Also, if you are gay/bisexual, this isn't a problem, though it can be easily perceived that way. But if you are, you are. It just is, and you can choose to make the most of it, by finding someone you love, regardless of what gender they are.

[indianman]

Thanks a lot for your replies...

The major question that I am asking myself now is ----

Is my same sex attraction driven purely by my insecurities and my background? and

if I get rid of my insecurities, start feeling more confident as a man, internalize the belief that "I WILL HAVE CHILDREN IN FUTURE" emotionally and intellectually, and get a girl friend, is it possible that my same sex desire might actually decrease/ become irrelevant, or at the very least, reduce the confusion in my mind?

Thanks!

[indianman]

Hi,

I met with a psychotherapist specializing in sexual orientation related issues..

He told me that I have internalized my childhood insecurities (fear of not being able to father a child, and not being masculine enough) and this has created a fear/guilt in seeking a female partner....

He also said that obsessive-compulsive nature of looking at nude male images for self-validation have led to the sexualization of the male physique.... He noted that I am potentially bi-sexual...

He told me that my fear of "not being able to father a child" have been mutually reinforced by confusing it with "lack of body hair", "masculinity" and "potential to sexually attract a women" and grown in strength over the years.

He said that only a strong MEDICAL EVIDENCE like testosterone analysis or sperm count would effectively counter my insecurities about my gender identity...

But I am freaking out... " What if the semen analysis says, I have low sperm count"... That would make things worse!!!

Please advice!! Thanks for your time!

[bpdruins]

Sounds like your psychotherapist knows what he is talking about. I doubt you are gay or even bisexual but all these psychological problems you have are confusing you. Also, stay away from porn. Porn is a very distorted perception of what sex is supposed to be like. Men don't have huge penises like that, and it very objectifies women in a violent way. Also, body hair and facial hair are no indication of whether you are fertile or not, chances are you are perfectly healthy but have spent a great deal of time worrying because the society you grew up in is so restricted and misinformed.

[sandworm]

Freud once said: "Sometimes a cigar, is just a cigar"

just because you have a low sperm count does not make you one 'orientation' or
another. It may make having children...problematic but not impossible.
You suffer feelings of shame and guilt about sex, romance and women, and
seem to have a normal or slightly above normal sex drive, this drive, driven
by repression in shame is finding ways out of the dark.
I am not saying this or that, but perhaps these >thoughts about men are just
manifestations of this repressed desire for a woman, any woman.
I say this all from looking at my own upbringing and struggle. I
have many feelings I can not categorize, but I know it is all because
I am being prevented an outlet that nature would say is normal.
Divine gave us the 'equipment' and drive to propagate... we need as men, (some do)
to release or burst, for me I have been bursting with no partner for 8 + yrs.

you need self-compassion to know that whatever is happening, is
likely complicated by wanting to be fully human (sexually complete).

synopsis: I don't think you're gay, just frustrated to the NTH.
AND don't buy the bull that all straight men don't have thoughts about other
men. I am straight as rain is wet, but i know that most men have at least a
passing thought here or there that they are not 100% straight.
Kinsey report.

If you don't want to be with a person of your gender, or do stuff with them, then
you're not.
You just are not born with the appetites to be comfortable in such a
repressive society. Indians I have known are married and talking about
cheating on their wives almost non-stop. This Puritanical 'fascade' is just
a put on, at least from my polls I have done.

"S"

[lynn P.]

I agree - I feel you have some deep insecurities and more importantly, 'misconceptions' about what masculinity entails and perceptions of what makes a person gay. Less masculine straits doesn't equal low sperm count and if you did have a low sperm count, this doesn't mean you weren't meant to be with a woman. If these misconceptions were true, all gay men would be infertile and have less masculine traits. I've seen rippled male body builders who are gay.

If it would make you feel better, go ahead and get a sperm count done - I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. If you are bisexual, that's fine and I understand this might be hard due to your cultural back ground. I suspect you looked at male nudity just to compare yourself. Focus on your self esteem and these intrusive worries you have and everything will fall into place. Good luck.

[indianman]

Thanks a lot for all your amazing replies!

I have gone without porn for 15 days now and it is amazing. I would like to give myself time and decide on my sexuality...

For now, I have decided to focus on my confidence and self-esteem. Also I am trying to get rid of all the foolish confusions about having less body hair ==> less masculine ==> less possibility of having children.

Thanks again.

[CantExplain]

Congratulations on starting your therapy journey!

If you continue, you will eventually get the answers you are seeking.

India has its own traditions in erotic art and literature. You might find it reassuring to know that your sexual feelings and your culture can coexist.

[Purple Heart]

Hi Indianman

Having not much body hair, low sperm count or small penis has nothing to do with whether your a man or not. If you have a penis your a man, if you have a vagina your a woman, full stop!! So stop the if's or but's and accept your a complete man not half or less. And for your information Mohammed Ali one of the greatest boxes in American history, who was big during the 60s and 70s had little body hair and reportedly onlly had to shave his face once a month. Does this mean he wasn't a complete man??

[indianman]

Got my testosterone levels checked. It is actually higher than normal.

But I am still confused with the fact that I actually have a considerable attraction to men.

And I feel like the attraction to women is fading away. I used to think that my homosexual desire was just a phase.. but now, I feel like my heterosexual desire is the thing that is a phase and will eventually disappear. Still confused...

[Blondboy44]

Indianman, I have great sympathy for you, especially with regard to your studying other penises and feeling discouraged. That is easily done with all the erotica that is available on the net. There are a lot of mammoth examples. Also, as a latent bi-sexual that enjoys looking at the male genitalia, I feel your concern about your orientation. I have accepted mine, although I am unable to be active. Blessings to you in your search for your true identify.

[summeryoga]

Hi Indianman,

I am half Indian, nice to see you here .

Please know that sexuality is NOT a nice metal box that you can fit neatly into. It is NOT something easily definable, as much as Indian and American (and other) societies want it to be. Sexuality is a spectrum, maybe even a circle. There have been times in my life when I have felt totally lesbian (rarely, but I remember questioning that when I was about 18), times when I felt totally bi (most of my life), and times when I felt totally heterosexual (like recently). It is ever-changing for many people, and that constant flux is OK!! There is no need to identify yourself any which way.

[indianman]

Thanks SummerYoga and Blondboy44. That was helpful.

@Blondboy44: Do you stronger attraction towards men or women?

[Blondboy44]

Originally Posted by indianman

Thanks SummerYoga and Blondboy44. That was helpful.

@Blondboy44: Do you stronger attraction towards men or women?

Indianman, I feel stronger attractions toward women and I have lived most of my adult life as a heterosexual. Before marriage as a teenager and young man, I had some experimentation with other teenagers and an older man. As a young teenager, friends and I would mutually masturbate. In college, I was interested in a friend's genitalia that I found very attractive, but he rejected me with unhappy consequences. I also gave oral to a roomate who was drunk and passed out. I also received oral sex from an older man who was bisexual; I did not do oral on him. Since then, I have had no other experiences with men. I really like to look at pictures of nicely formed and large genitalia. But, I am not attracted to men romantically, i.e. falling in love with another man. I would just like the sex.