Pressured by my husband

lynn P. · 12:48 PM

Girlio - you're very confused ATM. The reason you're both separated is to put distance between you. You're an abused woman and this messes with your mind. Men who abuse are VERY charming at 1st and true they do have some redeeming qualities. That time when you fell in love is gone and you both need time to heal. If he tried to kill you...there's no going back.

You have to stop letting him come to your house and draw the line to 'no more physical contact'. That image of the man you fell in love with is gone. Reach out for help from an abuse women place. I don't mean to sound harsh but one day you may end up killed. There's no negotiating with a man like this. Its time to draw the line, even it it means getting restraining order or going some where safe. This isn't a relationship that can be worked out and you need to stop flip flopping. You'll never be able to think straight with him barging in when ever he wants. You deserve some peace, therefore what steps are you willing to take today?

Trippin2.0 · Apr 05, 2012 at 12:42 PM

I'm sorry, I can't assist any further, this thread has become too triggering. I will however leave you some questions:
.
Have you looked inside yourself and been honest about why you're staying? And no, not the lighthearted stuff you tell yourself to make it ok, like 'my bestfriend's still in there' bcoz you KN0W he's not. HE TRIED TO KILL YOU, not very friendly now is he? I'm talking about YOU... Why do YOU stay? Are you dependant on him? Are you scared of being alone? Are you scared of leaving?
.

You want to save your marriage but at what cost, your life? I honestly hope whatever the cost, it's worth it.
.
I'm sorry for being harsh, I just don't understand why you don't value yourself, your life.
.
God bless

Girlio · Apr 05, 2012 at 12:52 PM

I'm working on figuring that out. Transition is in the making. It's starts with ending the silence.

popsicle · Apr 05, 2012 at 02:01 PM

check this out -

http://www.thehotline.org/

Harley47 · Apr 05, 2012 at 03:53 PM

Girlio, you are doing the right thing by leaving. I know it's painful, and I know you must be facing doubts. But if he tried to kill you on top of everything else he has done, if he actually had planned it to the point of him knowing where to hide you...you need to go, and never, ever look back. The man you married isn't there anymore.

I am so sorry...I hate telling people things like that, and I hate worse that things like this happen to people. But you need to get out, for you. Please don't doubt for a moment that you are doing the right thing by leaving.

JLarissaDragon · Apr 05, 2012 at 06:34 PM

From what you have written, it sounds to me like you are in potential danger. You may be all right for a time, but what happens when he gets angry with you the next time? I find that I can deal with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse perhaps, but physical danger is a different matter altogether.

nicoleb2 · Apr 07, 2012 at 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girlio

I wish he would just hit me again so I would know its ok to leave.

Next time might be too late. Next time could be the time he kills you.

bipolarmedstudent · Apr 07, 2012 at 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girlio

Ok, firstly I want to say that my husband and I have always had a very active and healthy sex life. This last year my husband had an affair and we are currently separated but working on repairing the damage...but in this past year he has also been very emotionally and physically abusive towards me. I know he is trying to be better. My latest issue with him is our sex life. I'm having a hard time being intimate with him. I love the man I married but lets admit it, I have a lot of resentment. Now he will stop by and just want to have sex. I think he feels it's the best way for us to connect. I will tell him no and I'm not in the mood (not that I don't give it up a lot) and he just ignores me and laughs it off and he will pull me literally with me fighting the whole time into the bedroom. It makes me mad. It makes me feel gross. I said no because I didn't want to. I'll always end up getting mad and just telling him fine just to hurry and I spitefully just lay there. It makes me hate him. The other day he tried to get me in there and I pushed back and was like NO I'm serious. He tried pushin me in the bedroom but finally he said he was just joking and he was tired too. Is this normal? Am I just being uptight?

No, it's not normal. It's marital rape.

It sounds like you guys have mismatched sex drives. If you want to salvage your relationship with your husband, you guys need to sit down, talk about this and work out a compromise. My bf and I have mismatched sex drives, but we have a compromise that works for us. If he is in the mood, I will allow him to have sex with me, even if I'm not in the mood. I don't pretend to be into it, and I don't put on a show for him. But I don't mind having sex with him, if I'm not in the mood. It's just not a big deal for me. But if for some reason I really don't want to have sex (like I'm too busy or I'm in pain), then I say 'no' and he respects that. Then I will typically help him masturbate. This compromise works for us. You and your husband need to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Also, the abuse needs to stop.

ToxicKisses · Apr 07, 2012 at 03:05 PM

That is out of line. Not only did he wander off in your marriage but instead of trying to mend the relationship, seems like he's only worried about the sex. I don't know you nor your husband so I cannot go into great detail with my response but from what I am reading, he is not doing a great job at trying to fix anything. Emotional abuse can be possibly worse as it can affect your mind - which can affect your life. He doesn't seem to respect you at all. Please do what you truly feel is right for YOU.

KeepGoing8 · Apr 09, 2012 at 12:00 AM

Please get yourself somewhere where you feel safe Girlio. Do you have family or friends you could stay with for a week or two while you get legal council and perhaps a restraining order? There are also women's shelters and retreats that are specifically for women in your situation. Because of the threat to your life (and by the way, if he considered, planned, and even attempted to kill you once and he "doesn't know why," there is NO garuntee that he won't be inexplicably triggered into that homicidal mania again) I really fear for your safety and well being. You are in a pretty extreme abuse- based relationship and you have to take equally "extreme" measures to protect yourself. You mentioned a stepson? Is he a witness to this abuse and rape? Think about how witnessing this kind of male behavior in a relationship might ultimately influence his development into a young man? Think of what he would go through if you were killed. If you can't see yourself as worth saving, see your stepson as worthy of having you, safe and alive and still in his life.
I feel such pain for you in your situation. I wish you the best and send all the strength I have to you. Do the right thing.

Girlio · Apr 13, 2012 at 08:12 AM

He says that he is going to get help. He got online yesterday and researched domestic violence and brought up on his own how he abuses sex for power and said it was wrong when he made me have sex when I didn't want to. He then got very quiet and sad and 'how did I get like this?? how did I become this person?' and I felt bad for him. Time will tell if he will change or if this is just a ploy to keep me holding on. He apologized for everything except hitting me. He said he is not physically abusive because I was a disgusting pill popper when he hit me and I had it coming.

I have 73 days sober today, FYI.

lynn P. · Apr 13, 2012 at 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girlio

He says that he is going to get help. He got online yesterday and researched domestic violence and brought up on his own how he abuses sex for power and said it was wrong when he made me have sex when I didn't want to. He then got very quiet and sad and 'how did I get like this?? how did I become this person?' and I felt bad for him. Time will tell if he will change or if this is just a ploy to keep me holding on. He apologized for everything except hitting me. He said he is not physically abusive because I was a disgusting pill popper when he hit me and I had it coming.

I have 73 days sober today, FYI.

Good for you in being sober. Its fine you got him to admit some responsibility but this happens frequently with abusers - they apologize, behave super good for a short time until they lose control again. You're both separated - is that correct - this usually means no sex, so I hope he knows his boundaries.

Quote:

He apologized for everything except hitting me. He said he is not physically abusive because I was a disgusting pill popper when he hit me and I had it coming.

The above statement is very telling - he's justifying the abuse. If you were a pill popper, he should have helped you get into a treatment program. Unless its clear self defense, there's no justification for hitting you. The treatment success is also poor for men who abuse, so you need to consider this carefully. It will always be in the back of your mind that he could abuse you again - living a life walking on eggshells.

honeybee777 · Apr 13, 2012 at 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Girlio

Ok, firstly I want to say that my husband and I have always had a very active and healthy sex life. This last year my husband had an affair and we are currently separated but working on repairing the damage...but in this past year he has also been very emotionally and physically abusive towards me. I know he is trying to be better. My latest issue with him is our sex life. I'm having a hard time being intimate with him. I love the man I married but lets admit it, I have a lot of resentment. Now he will stop by and just want to have sex. I think he feels it's the best way for us to connect. I will tell him no and I'm not in the mood (not that I don't give it up a lot) and he just ignores me and laughs it off and he will pull me literally with me fighting the whole time into the bedroom. It makes me mad. It makes me feel gross. I said no because I didn't want to. I'll always end up getting mad and just telling him fine just to hurry and I spitefully just lay there. It makes me hate him. The other day he tried to get me in there and I pushed back and was like NO I'm serious. He tried pushin me in the bedroom but finally he said he was just joking and he was tired too. Is this normal? Am I just being uptight?

First of all, me and my husband are going through similar issues, he was never, physical in any way, but can be emotional abusive, twards me and my kids, anyway when i was pregnant in our first year of marriage my husband had an affair, weve been married now for 9 years and this last yar i had the affair, what you are explaining here is very concerning to me, yes me and my husband have had our porblems and are restoring our marriage, but if he ever took my in the bedroom like you say your husband does, i woud call the police and get a divorce, BUT thats me, Im not a doormat either, are you in coucleing? How exactley are you planning on restoring the marriage if there is constant confilct with in yourself? Are their childeren involved? No, means NO, thats what I was taught in my elemntary years, just saying, hopw things work out and get beeter, and the anwser to your question is no that aint normal! ((HUGS))

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Girlio Junior Member Member Since Mar 2012 Posts: 17 12	Apr 05, 2012 at 12:52 PM #23 I'm working on figuring that out. Transition is in the making. It's starts with ending the silence.
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popsicle Member Member Since Oct 2011 Location: on a small farm Posts: 33 12	Apr 05, 2012 at 02:01 PM #24 check this out - http://www.thehotline.org/
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JLarissaDragon Grand Member Member Since Oct 2011 Location: Oregon Posts: 898 12 1,087 hugs given	Apr 05, 2012 at 06:34 PM #26 From what you have written, it sounds to me like you are in potential danger. You may be all right for a time, but what happens when he gets angry with you the next time? I find that I can deal with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse perhaps, but physical danger is a different matter altogether.
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