Desperate for Dominance.....

Hi there! I am G!....okay so here is my issue. I am bi-sexual. I have been with one other woman before and it was wonderful. I am happily married for 17 years and my husband knows of my desire for a Dominant woman in my life. It's kind of weird to explain...I want a Mother figure..(not age play) and yet I am a "little" inside a 37 year old body. Based on the way I grew up and the fact that my Mother hated me, and then left me at 4. There was a time that I was perfectly fine living without a Mother, but the older I get the more I want and need a relationship where I am told what to do(providing security and safety) I try to take care of myself, but it is just not as gratifying doing things for myself, and I hate myself for even wanting a Mother at this point. I have tried other forums where they address such issues but my mental issues always get in the way of my desires. My Tigress always shows up with her claws and runs people away. In some ways I feel like I will never be complete inside until I find a Dominant woman who can take me as I am, can handle me and can teach me about the world at large....Is this strange? unhealthy? anyone else feel this way?

Please don't hate yourself for wanting a mother...I think that's quite understandable.

With respect, and I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, I think that your desire for a dominant woman is you trying in a way to fill the void left by your own mother, an I think you recognize that. The only thing you can really do there is to seek a therapist. That, I think, is the best way to handle things.

I don't think it's strange, or necessarily unhealthy unless if affects your marriage. Have you spoken to your husband about this, by chance?

Thank you Harley for your kind words! Yes I have talked to my husband and my T about this as much as I can but it is like a burning desire that will not go away. However after having done some more research on the issue I think I have figured out the problem Dependency Personality Disorder. Yep, that definition pretty much sums up how I am in life with everything and everyone. So yeah I think I am just screwed up, but that doesn't make the desire any less for me.

btw..I can't believe you are here for the sole purpose of helping others where you can. You wouldn't happen to be in college for something Psyche related are you?..........giggles

Tigris, are your feelings strange? No, not at all. My wife is going thru almost the exact same thing. I understand your need is very strong and understanding the reason may not help lesson it. Speaking from some experience here, if you're in a happy marriage of 17 years, your husband loves you and is willing to do most anything to make you happy. On top of that, the fantasy of your wife with another woman is very exciting but when the fantasy threatens to become reality or actually does become reality, it can be very detrimental to a long-standing, successful, monogamous marriage. Hurt feelings, jealousy, insecurity, feelings of betrayal, can develop. In general, these things usually do not work out well for marriages. So, I can't say it will be easy but my advise would be to try to fulfill your desires with fantasies. A real physical relationship outside your marriage risks harming the foundation of what may be one of the most stable and supportive parts of your life.

Thank you for such an insightful and thoughtful post! My Daddy (husband) is fine with having another woman in our life, we have even gone there once before together. That is not so much the issue as is finding it, or more like wanting to find something like this. In other words for me it is not so much about finding another woman, but a particular kind of woman ie..Dominant. While I know that I am looking to fill the void I feel bad about this need and desire. I mean I am technically 37 years old even though I don't feel that way most times.

My wife feels the same way as you; younger than her body. Emotionally, she feels like a kid needing a mom and that she's trying to relive the part of her life when she lost her mother. Somehow, she's hoping to fix whatever it was that went wrong and took away such an important part of a young girls life; her mom.

Her emotions go from anger to self-pity with alot of stops at anxiety and depression in between. I feel for you and your husband because I know how hard it can be for everyone involved. My wife's goal is to mourn the loss of a real mother, recover from the grief, hopefully stronger than she is today. At which point, she will at least know that what she wants is what SHE wants and not something that was forced on her as the result of what she got (or failed to get) from a heartless, abusive woman who gave her little more than birth.

lol No, I'm not, but I almost was. I'm a law major, and I'm hoping to become an attorney at the end of the road. Psych was a very, very close second for a major...I was actually hoping to minor in it even with my current degree, but my advisor didn't think I would be able to feasibly fit it in. I did Teen Court though for years, and I was told by quite a few local lawyers who served as judges that I had a real knack for it, and in my small little town, I have a few connections from my time in the program. So that's where I went.

I think given that your husband is okay with this, the cards are very much in your favor. I would still recommend talking to your T about it, specifically if you think you have DPD. All in all though, I think with the support from your husband and your therapist, you're going to be just fine.

Oh my goodness! I so feel her pain!......and you sound like a wonderful supportive husband to her..like my Daddy...she is a lucky woman! I guess maybe that is something a little girl can never really get over. She hated me and left me and hurt me so much......so why would I even want to try to go through that again. There was a time when I was so tough! I didn't need anyone.......but now I feel like the older I get the "littler" i regress.......grrrr! frustrating!

Well congratulations on your pursuits! I know you will be an awesome layer! I spent lots of time in teen court in between foster homes, not because I was in trouble but because I was constantly being moved around. Yes, i think everything will be just fine with or without a dominant woman in my life. I just wanted to get some advice on the matter. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and good luck on becoming a lawyer..........