Destined to be single? :(

Sorry I wrote a book. Hopefully you have a minute or 20.

I have a fear of sex for many reasons which I feel are valid, but its been years since I've had sex..or a been in relationship in general and I'm sick of this feeling.

Just to give you background on what I'm dealing with, I'll give you an amended version of my life. To begin, I was raped when I was 14 (that's how I lost my virginity)..It wasn't one of those big scary rapes like you see on TV..I just hung out with the wrong group of people and unfortunate things happen...I decided I wasn't going to let it rule my life so I've put little thought into it since it happened..Anyways when it happened, my way of dealing with it was to pretend it was what I wanted. So 2 weeks later I hooked up with the same guy..and his friend in the same night. I kept a diary in which I pretended I wanted it all to help keep myself sane..The diary was later found by my stepmom who was snooping through my room. She and my dad obviously didn't believe me when I said I was raped, and after that I was afraid to have sex again while living in my parents house.

With the whole rape thing and the 2nd night of events, I had never even experienced my first kiss. So 18 comes along, I'm not living with my parents and I end up dating a guy for a little over a month.. I thought he was decent.. turns out he wasn't... which probably contributes to some trust issues but that's another story. Anyways we had sex a lot..but never kissed because the first time I kissed him he practically told me I sucked at kissing. I'm on the verge of 23 now and since then I've only had sex one other time...it was at a party and after hours of constant badgering I finally gave in. At that point I was 20 and had gone about 2 1/2 years without any physical contact with a guy (no hugs even). When we were done he just threw a dirty towel at me told me to clean myself up, went upstairs and never said a word to me again (ultimate sign I sucked). Now here I am over 2 years later again...I've drunkenly hugged guys I was crushing on at bars but that is the most I've done since that night.

The lack of experience and the negative experiences I've had are making it hard for me to open up to a guy. Anytime a guy flirts with me, I revert the attention to my friends, or someone close by. I am ashamed to be sexual. So all this sounds bad enough right?

...Well that's not it. I also have medical conditions that are affecting my confidence. First off I'm overweight. I'm not comfortable with my body, but I wouldn't necessarily let that destroy my sex life. What sucks is along with the obesity, I have PCOS which has led to a decreased sex drive (I am only truly "in the mood" a few times a year) and it's led to hirsutism (excessive hair growth). The following may be TMI but its what I have to deal with every day...I have dark thick hair growing everywhere except my back, neck, palms, and the soles of my feet. I wax my face (side burns, mustache and chin) and just try to ignore my arms, but the butt, stomach, and breasts are my areas of concern. I've tried every form of hair removal and because I have naturally curly hair, I have just become covered in ingrown hairs. It's like no matter what, I can't win. And the more time that goes by the worse it gets..and the more scars I get from the ingrown hairs.. Plus every girl wants that silky smooth feeling after they shave, but I've never been able to accomplish this because my hair grows in every direction possible and at extreme angles..and like I mentioned, I'm covered in ingrown hairs.

Despite my obesity, I am by no means ugly. I may have a double chin, but I do have a pretty face with excellent eyes and eye lashes that are so long they nearly touch my eyebrows (what girl doesn't want those!) but with all these issues how am I not suppose to be self conscious?..If I somehow manage to pull off the whole being good in bed..or at least kissing decently, what am I supposed to say about my hair issues. 99% of the guys out there would be repulsed with my condition, but there is nothing I can do about it.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I almost want to go out there and just have sex with a bunch of random guys. While it may make me feel like a slut, it would get me the experience I feel I'm lacking..Which will in turn make me more confident...And I'm in college (and have no social life because of my confidence issues) so now would be the perfect time. The only issue is I go to college in a small town ..and state..Everyone knows everyone and I don't want word getting out about how horrible and/or hairy I am.

On the polar opposite side of the spectrum, I've thought about remaining celibate until marriage..but at this rate I won't even find a boyfriend. And as horrible as this may seem, most people who are abstinent until marriage are uberly religious and while I don't mind having a boyfriend who believes in God, I don't want one who is all about the word of the bible and takes it literally. I come from a family of mixed religions and have a gay brother, so I'm sure you could imagine the issues that could arise lol.

Not a book! Not enough information, even!

I'm sorry you've had such a complicated start to your emotional/relationship life, City_of_Angels. You're a sharp young woman, though, taking this on and seeing is as what it is: a problem arising from an earlier, unresolved trauma. It's not going to go away, you do have to deal with it.

But no where have you mentioned any medical work up. How violent was the rape? Was there physical trauma? Has a gynecologist examined you, fully aware of what happened? How about. A full work up profiling the skin/hair problems?

I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier. Please post again--let's talk this out more. Others will join in.

Others? Come on. Don't let us down here ...

Roadie


Roadie

I'm an other I just want to echo what Roadie said, (Roadie has a knack for being right, so don't worry ) please keep posting, it's a very healthy form of release.

please don't go out and have sex with random guys to get "better" at it. you only truly get the sex thing is with someone you connect with, can spend a lot of time with and be open about sex. I've learned a lot from a couple boyfriends that I was comfortable with and synced with sexually. that's where/when you learn what to do. a few guys here and there in my 20's never got me anywhere but feeling bad about myself. now my 30's, that's a different story.

also, I've done groupons for laser hair removal. it hurts, but man am I glad I did it. yes, you have more ground to cover but start with the places that bother you the most.

keep posting, I'm glad I had ten minutes to spend reading your story! thanks for posting!

I admire more than I can hope to write the strength you've tried to show in dealing with this City. You remind me of my own maxim for myself (That being: You either define your problems, or your problems define you.) I respect you for that. That strength is something I can only envy.

However, I don't think something as severe as rape (no matter how it happened) can ever be simply brushed under the rug and ignored, and I don't think my little maxim can hope to cover something like that (I usually only employ it when speaking of my relationship with my father, which is rocky. Just to give a "scope" to it). I think the best thing you can hope to do is seek a therapist who can help you work through this constructively, and truly help put it behind you.

As far as your appearance goes, I don't think that's going to hinder you from meeting a good guy. A guy who won't get to know you based on a passing glance isn't a "good" guy, and doesn't deserve your time. That, at least, is how I see it. I'm not very familiar with ingrown hairs (I only shave my face, and years of shaving the pitiful peach fuzz I get on my chin for JROTC practically stunted my hair growth there), and thus I'm not familiar with the scarring they can produce, but I know for a fact that vitamin E oil can help reduce the appearance of scars.

At any rate, you are in college. You have PLENTY of time.

Keep your chin up City_of_Angels. You're a strong person with what seems to me a good head on your shoulders. If you need me, consider my PM box open.

Thank you all for your input. It means a lot to me that you all would take time out of your day to help me through this.

When my mom found out about the rape, she had me go in for a full eval. It wasn't a very violent rape. Just a "friend" who kept pressuring me and wouldn't let me leave the room til I gave in ..his cousin and a friend were guarding the door from the outside. So like I said it wasn't a typical rape, but that was not how I was wanting to lose my virginity.

I honestly don't think that has much of a bearing on my current problem. I've gone through a lot of stuff in my life and I've become a pro at the whole forgive and forget thing. And while I never really forgive people for what they have done I don't dwell on the past. I would be a wreck if I did! The way I see it is whats done in the past is done in the past, there is no way to change it, so all I can do is move forward. I don't know if it is something I've trained myself to do or if it just comes naturally, but I am good at literally forgetting about stuff that happens to me. The most traumatic moments of my life will never be fully forgotten but the longer the times go by the less and less I think about it/ remember the details.


Suki, I know, but it has led to a very lonely life for me. I've technically only had 2 boyfriends and neither of them were quite my style, but they were the only guys who have actually hit on me (outside of a bar). There are guys who have shown interest repeatedly at the bar I frequent. But I can't even let myself open up to them because I'm scared of what it may lead to. If they talk to me I usually try to end the conversation as soon as possible, drag someone else into it, or my defensive personality gets in the way and I insult them

This is a side note but I think part of my problem is the type of guy I'm attracted to.. I want myself a guy who is in a band or whose life is heavily influenced by music..especially rock/ heavy metal because it feels like that is the only thing I can relate to now-a-days..but it seems like every guy I'm attracted to is either 1)on drugs 2) a self centered a$$hole or 3) a combination of 1 and 2