Am I making mountains out of molehills?

I'll try to be brief.

I recently met someone online. He lives in Texas; I live in Seattle. I've known him for about a month now, but our conversation has been almost a daily one going on for more hours than I can count.

My paramour is VERY compatible with me. He and I share similar views on relationships. Our sexual chemistry is very powerful. We both have our "red flags" of course, and we've both been burned by past relationships, both having experienced very abusive relationships AND long-distance online relationships that went sour after a time.

He and I both want to meet one another, and he definitely does not want to make anything "official" until we've met. However, since I'm disabled and very low-income, and he's recently been laid off and is having trouble bouncing back from unemployment, there's little chance of the two of us meeting up anytime in the near future. And because he's finishing up his Master's at university, he's going to be busy with school until he's ready to graduate sometime in December.

He is involved in the BDSM community. I have no objections to this and may even join him at some point, if I find it's something to my liking.

My problem is this: He is able to have consensual and safe sex without having feelings of love towards the person(s) he's having sex with. I, on the other hand, am really struggling with this. To me, even though we are not yet formally in a relationship, this feels like cheating. I was raised conservatively, and while I was able to shed a lot of the ideas I was brought up with, fidelity is not something I'm willing to compromise on easily.

Let me make this clear: I can accept when he does his "playing" in his BDSM groups. I can accept (though not approve) when he engages in that sort of play with his roommates (he has assured me that he will not have actual sex with them, and I believe him, since we agree that might involve more entanglements than he's willing to get into.) I am perfectly fine, and in fact quite happy, that he has a community through which he can express himself and talk frankly about sexual activity in a very positive, consensual manner.

However, he has also told me that he has needs. Because of school and both our financial situations, it won't be possible without some sort of miracle for the two of us to meet before Thanksgiving this year at the soonest. He will not even say or allow me to say "I love you" until we've met and decided we're as compatible in person as we are online. I respect his boundaries. He has told me that he is 100% faithful when he is in a relationship and I have no cause to doubt him.

He has told me that he has a "date" to discuss a "play" arrangement with a new BDSM partner. He thinks that this partner would not be a sexual one, just one with which to connect, talk, and do performances with. The date will occur this Monday. I've expressed my feelings about this, so he's aware of my fears. I'm fairly sure that if he did not want to engage in sex with this person, he could hold his own should the other party want to take it further.

But this brings me back to my own feelings. If he did keep it strictly "business" then I have nothing to worry about. I acknowledge that some people *can* compartmentalize and have sex without also being in love. To me, this concept is totally foreign. I trust he can keep himself safe since he's been through a lot so far and hasn't been infected with any STIs to date.

My biggest issue is this: Am I making too much out of this? Is my inability to empathize with his appetites (I'm fine with an occasional wank; he needs actual sex periodically) going to be a barrier? Should I pull out of this now and spare us both months of grief?

I really do care about him, and because I'm such a soft-hearted man, I can even say on some level I do love him. I know he has very similar feelings (you don't spend half a day talking to someone every single day for four weeks without a reason!) I especially don't want to just dump him the first time I feel a little uncomfortable (even though this is far from "a little!") because, frankly, I don't know how many more chances I've got!

(I'll spell it out a bit: I'm transsexual and gay; most gay men won't have anything to do with transmen because we lack the "proper" equipment... and even those who do deal with transmen do it simply for the novelty and not because they respect and love the person they're doing it with. I'm disabled; not many people would like to look at long surgical scars or deal with the issues that make my life impossible to be anything near normal. I have BPD and lose my mind when I'm in love with someone. I'll do ANYTHING to avoid being dumped! I'm 36 and as close to being a virgin as one can get without having sworn a vow of celibacy. I have strong social anxiety that makes it damn near impossible for me to meet people, especially offline. To be blunt: I was in the process of giving up on relationships altogether when this paramour "walked" into my life a month ago... and if this one fails after I've decided to give true love one more chance, well... I might not want to hang around life much longer at this rate.)

Please, someone give me advice, steer me in the right direction, or at least tell me to get over the last vestiges of my former prudish life. Is casual sex before a relationship "cheating"? Are we actually *in* a relationship now, only he chooses not to see it that way, and he's just holding out space to play the field while keeping me on a short leash? Should I run away? WHAT?! I need help! This is driving me crazy!

there are a lot of factors involved here. 1. you have never met this person and, until you do, will not know if there is actual sexual attraction. 2. your values are very different when it comes to sexual expression and fidelity.

considering the issues, i would not go beyond the status of "friend" right now. you have never gone out on a date. you do not know if you will click physically. there are a lot of differences and issues.

i am gay. i have been hit on by male to female trans people. but, i am not attracted to females and found it confusing. i could not envision how my needs would be met in such a relationship. while this is different from your status, there are some similarities. maybe bisexual men would be a better option to investigate for your romantic needs?

in answer to your questions, casual sex before relationships is not considered cheating in the gay community. in fact, it's very common, especially if both parties have a love interest in mind. in the gay community, it is common to rush into things, especially if you are young. i am not supporting or recommending such behavior, i'm just saying that's the way it is. i once had a friend brag that he waited until the third date to sleep with his eventual partner, as if he "waited" and didn't rush! another friend thought that love was like a pair of pants - you try it on (by sleeping with someone) a couple of times before you really know if it's a fit (love). so, it's often sex first, love later. again, this is not my recommendation, it's just the way it usually is.

frankly, i don't see you in a romantic relationship with him currently - you have never held hands or kissed or laid eyes on each other. you are friends. my suggestion is that you try to meet someone locally. i know it's harder for you. with your values of falling in love before sex and fidelity to the relationship, it's better to first set a goal of making friends and then hooking up with one who shares mutual attraction and values. it's a slower process and difficult because of your social anxiety. but, it's the way to go. also, i suggest - as someone who also has relationship issues - that through this whole friend to lover process that you see a T to help you deal with social anxiety and BPD issues because they make matters complex. all the best to you!

For me, it has already gone beyond friendship. I don't normally tell my casual friends about my sexual turn-ons or what I've done romantically. I've told this guy things I would never tell even my most trusted friends or a therapist (I don't use the "T" I've seen so common on this forum because "T" to a transmale means something very different.)

As for bi men? He is. Good luck finding one who won't want to treat me like a fetish. Sorry, I'm no object to screw with.

And for the casual sex bit, that's one reason I struggle with identifying as gay. I want no part of casual sex, I never have and I never will. I don't care if someone I love or care about had casual sex before we met; I only care if I need to be aware of any STIs. For sexual expression, none of that matters, really, and for fidelity, I thought I made it clear that once he's in a relationship, he's 100% faithful. The problem is finding out if I can live with knowing he's having all sorts of fun without me... while I'm here, alone, being without him, unable to be with him, and wondering if tomorrow he's going to announce he's found a new love and I'm not worth his time anymore.

And in regards to meeting someone locally... good luck! Gay men won't look at you if you're not the very epitome of male ideal. I'm fat. I have scars. I'm short. I have boobs and no ****. People are shallow. The only thing anyone my age wants is a quick shag just to relieve the pressure; no one wants to build a relationship these days! No one wants to work on relationships! They're always too messy, and our parents taught us too well that divorce is always easier and cheaper than trying to stick it out and learn how to be with another person! I have too much going against me and nobody wants to deal with me. I do have redeeming values, a kind heart, passionate love, a strong romantic streak, a talent for cooking, a tendency to be a good and sympathetic listener... but nobody cares about that now! If you're not going to drop your drawers right away and do the nasty, people don't care!

I am just so done with life. I'm done with "community." I'm done with being gay. I'm done with trying. I'm finished!

Watch out.....internet romances like yours are so full of red flags whether you are gay or straight, male female or transgendered. He might simply be getting off on your conversations and have no need at all to meet you but just continue with his games at your very expense. I know you are lonely as a lot of us here are, but please respect yourself enough not to be fooled by someone who could only hurt you more!!

Thinking of you!!!

Hello? You have only known this paramour for a month and you are in love with him? He is a member of the BDSM community and you don't see a problem with that? What BDSM role does he like to play? Is he the dominant one who likes to abuse others? Do you see a possible pattern / problem here?

You claim to have old-fashioned values and don't want to have sex without love. Yet, you are in love with someone you have only known for a month and have never met. Someone who enjoys sex as punishing playtime. Frankly, I think he's playing the same game with you over the phone.

Currently, I'm in a relationship with a girl I met online. Having said that, yes, the above posters are right. There is a risk, and...I suppose "edge" provided in an online relationship is that one can filter everything presented about them. You need to be careful. I wouldn't say online relationships are 100% bad by any means (I love the woman I date now to pieces), but just know there are risks.

To the matter at hand (do forgive the above tirade), I fear you two will have long term compatibility problems with his view on sex. I know you two aren't official yet, but it strikes me as a glaring red flag that as close as you two are described to be that he thinks it okay to continue things like this. I confess, I am not well versed in the BDSM subculture, but isn't there an inherent amount of sexuality even in "strictly business" play?

I am sorry...I am sure that isn't what you wanted to hear. I hope things work out for you, and know I have you in my thoughts and prayers through this.

I agree with UnhappyGuy. You have never met this person and until you do you don't even know if there IS a person. This is red flag, undertow, gale wind warning stuff. And I have to say this ( because it was left soooooo wide open.....) PULL OUT!! Please be careful and take care of yourself. It is so difficult and painful to be alone. But to invest so much in this "relationship" may derail you

Too late. It already has "derailed" me. That's my problem. I'm so pathetic that I can feel so deeply about someone who wants to just ride me for pleasure's sake. I know he feels something deeper, but we've had our first fight and I've realized that this isn't going to work out. So, I'm just quitting. I'm done with relationships. I'm done with being gay. I'm done with being transgendered. I'm done. I'm just a shell of a person, nothing more.

We're still here for you whenever!!!

Thank you. I'm pretty sure I don't deserve any regard, but it's appreciated.