Enmeshed flashbacks and sexual risk taking

I have been in therapy (for a violent sexual assault) for a few months now. I'm married. I've recently had a realisation.

I've done a lot of sexual risk taking, meeting strangers for sex, being unprotected etc. This has happened again recently which really freaks me out. I feel so bad about it afterwards, all the guilt and the shame.

I've realised though, that I have long and sometimes repeated flashbacks during sex and that these become embroiled and part of the sex - like I can't seperate out what is a flashback and what is happening. Makes sex really confused, painful, enjoyable, horrible etc. all at the same time. I normally feel incredibly bad afterwards.

I have no idea how to begin to deal with this. I was also wondering if anyone else had experienced this?

Thanks

I don't have any experience myself with it, but I would highly advise you talk to your t about it. I don't think he/she'd have any problem talking to you about it,

It seems to me the key here is separating the flashbacks from what's happening. To do that, you'd have to disassociate sex as a whole with whatever you're flashing back to. That is often easier said than done, sadly.

Also, while I know you recognize it as risky in your post and are cognitive of it...do be safe, please?

I hope things go well for you, and know I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Yes, I have dealt with something like this as well. I know that some people take a break from sex while working on these issues and instead, focus only on what they can handle within the relationship(examples like hugging, holding, kissing only). They gradually get to a point where they can start to be sexual with their partner and even communicate when something feels overwhelming or they start having a flashback. It is very hard and can be a slow process, but I do think recovery is possible. Remember, it is your body and it is okay for you to take care of yourself, especially while working through trauma issues. Would your partner be willing to go to therapy with you?

Thanks, Butterflies are free. Sorry for the delay in replying.

It's good to know, in a way, that other people also experience this (I mean, I wish none of us did). The way things are at the moment I can see it being a long slow process.

My T is going well, I guess I'm hoping that as it progresses and the flashbacks reduce this becomes less of an issue. I have managed to discuss this with my T and we are trying to get to the bottom of what this is about.

Would H go to therapy? Yes he would, but that would mean that I'd have to tell him and that an absolute no. I mean, in the future if it's still affecting things between us then I would do some work on it together. I don't know if I would be comfortable with him seeing my T - he knows too much I would be worried about him accidentally saying.

Thanks again for your reply.

I think i know exactly what you mean. One minute your there and its.fine and the next notings changed but inside your head everytig has and u feel the same pain as you did before and then you tense whih probbly makes it worse.

Im not really sure im over it tbh i just try to really focus like hoq yous focus to shut yourself out but the other way just think breayhe rekax, its fine. I was also really lucky to have a partber who could see/feel it in me and used to stop and help me relax before we carried on. Speak to your partner maybe if theres like sonethig you can do as a hint so he knows yiu need a minute or whatever. Altgough i dont know cayse maybe its better to try to not draw attention to it incase that makes yoou thinkvabout it more. I hope ypu can find whats right fpr ypu!

I was raped and it affects my H and mine's sex life alot. We have been married 18 years. We are just now starting to do trauma work. It's a good thing to because I'm not sure what waiting longer would have done to us.

We see the same T as a couple. It is tough. I ask her can you help me talk about this or that w/ him. I don't know where to start. We discuss what we will do to make sure that happens. We discuss things that are between me and her only. If it's something she thinks I need to share with him she always asks first. Can I tell him....... I tell her yes or no, why, how, not right now or in another month. My H does the same. I don't know what he and the T discuss. She sometimes discusses with me a issue he had and doesn't want to talk about with me there. So me and her talk about it and she tells me what he thought or said. Sometimes we come together and discuss things and sometimes we just leave things alone and wair for her to guide the session how ever she see fit. T together is not so bad. I have not told my H alot of the details of the rape only that it happened and this often why I do what I do.

Consider T together. What do you have to lose. You owe it to your selves.