confused..

i've always wanted to get married and have kids.. but now the idea of being that close to another person makes me feel sick. the idea of sharing a bed and even the idea of giving birth and having doctors looking down there..

i don't like hugging, not even family and friends.

i am scared that i will never have a normal relationship, and i'm not scared that i might be interested in women, i'm scared i will never be able to have that relationship with another person, never have that trust and love.

this has all changed for me, because i never used to feel like this. I was sexually abused about 7yrs ago, but even after that i didn't change. i was in a relationship about 4 years ago and it ended badly. Not badly in we had a fight or he cheated, badly in he forced me to do things.

i guess it was a couple of years after that that things changed. and now i'm really confused.

i just wanted to know what anyone thought? i don't think i've really explained it i'm just really confused.

I totally understand. I was sexually abused/ raped 20 + years ago. I have 3 kids. But boy was it embarrassing getting them. I don't know if you ever saw the movie "A Coal Miners Daughter, The Story of Loretta Lynn" Well anyway she gets pregnant and pulls the covers up over her head during the exam.

I don't like physical touch, I have no desire, and just want to be left alone. But I also know men have needs. Thats what married people do. There are not many ways to get kids with your clothes on. The most sure way to overcome embarassment is to just do it. After every doctor and nurse you come in contact with see your stuff for 10 mo out of a year and everyone handles everything they can get there hands modisty seems to just go out the window. Child number one was award after that everyone had seen all I had so who cares if a dozen more folks saw it with birth number 2 and number 3. I still don't like to be touched, hugged, holding hands, kissing, yuck. I guess rape does that to some folks. But it did not make me doubt weather I liked guys or girls. I knew I liked guys even though this one hurt me and several others tried. I just had faith that the right one would show up or none would show up and I would be the old cat lady later on. Turns out I'm the cat lady with a husband. I love my kitties and my husband. So you can have your cake and eat it to.

I'm sorry you were abused, but I'm glad you're able to have kids still.

Thanks for the advice.

I actually like sex inspite of the fact that I was raped by one of my older brother's friends at 14. Everyone's drive is different. I was sort of taught that sex was wrong as a kid, but it never made sense since everybody seemed intent on doing it. I had a lot of creepy attitudes about sex that eventually subverted my first marriage. When I met my current husband, I made the conscious decision that I would have sex with him whenever he wanted or whenever I wanted. Once I finally got through the idea that sex was beautiful, pleasurable and a supreme act of love it began to change. I tossed my old Victorian inhibitions and started to think about it in a different way and my attitude changed.

Having sex was the only way that I was ever going to have children. Unfortunately I was only able to carry one of my four pregnancies to term. After my third miscarriage my doctor told me that I couldn't have any more children I was devastated. I guess that it was when I looked at sex as God's given gift of pleasure rather than a breeding mechanism, my attitude changed. If it gives me pleasure or my husband pleasure it is enough.

I am not sure that my thoughts really help here. Everyone is different but I do wish you well and hope that ultimately your life is one full of love and happiness