husband doesn't want sex... hmmmm

My husband and i have been together 2 years and a month-ish. Second marriage for both of us, after long, abusive, unhappy marriages, for both. We've been married just over a month, but lived together for the past 20 months as married as we could be, just without the law.

I love him to death. He is the polar opposite of my first husband, which means we are best friends, we enjoy being together, we can talk about pretty much anything, we like the same things, we find the same things amusing (for the most part), we enjoy a very playful relationship.

But we have an issue. And, it's a biggie, for me. He doesn't desire to have sex with me. The ONLY time he ever initiated it was our first time and i think he would have waited longer if i had not been teasing him so much about "waiting" (at our age). In the first 6 months we were together, we had sex maybe 12 times. Then, it was almost A FULL YEAR before we did again. Then, about 4-5 months passed before another sexual encounter. Like I said, we got married just over a month ago... and yes, we've been living together and all, so maybe it shouldn't have been a big deal to me, but we didn't even have sex on our "wedding night."

I know many women who would say "woo hoo!!! I don't see a problem!" I have always had a very healthy sexual appetite. If I had a willing partner, I could and would have sex every day. I'm not a nympho by any stretch. I don't have any fetishes or deviant preferences. I just have a healthy enjoyment of the physical expression of affection in a healthy relationship.

I have brought up my "need" for more, several times. But I don't nag. I express my desire for more intimacy, ask if there's anything I can do that might make him feel the same. I found a book, "The Sex Starved Marriage" which we read and discussed together. None of the scenarios in it really fit us. There aren't any old emotional wounds, no resentments, no power-plays, no game playing, no control issues, no children to get in the way.

When asked, he says he just doesn't have a sex drive. He's 46. Really? I find that very hard to believe. He does have PTSD and he's bipolar, so he's on some psych meds and we have discussed this with his doc who says it "might" be the meds but should be easy to overcome that, IF that's what my hubby wants to do. I just don't think the meds or disorders are the issue.

In the past 6 months or so, I've snooped and found naked women pics on his computer from the internet. And he has a membership to almost every dating/hook up/cheating site out there. And, he has at various times posted personal ads on craigslist, and answered some, as well. I've read texts to and from a few women planning on meeting up and the "oh i miss you" text a few days later from them. He has no clue I know all these things b/c he has everything locked down with passwords. I got thru them all. I'm a lot smarter than he gives me credit for.

Do you see a huge disconnect between the beginning of my post and the last paragraph???

How can he be so close to me in every way but the sex, and seek that elsewhere? Is this really a case of best friends, not partners? I am so confused. And hurt. And I really wish I could not love him anymore. Things would be so much easier.

i don't know what to do.....

Did he meet with another woman or was he a no show. My Husband say's I see the good in everything. Even the ugly est of things. If he was a no show that changes things. It is not as big of an issue. Infidelity if he did meet someone, close if he didn't. It's worth talking about your boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not.

A lack of sex drive could be a problem. I have no sex drive so this situation is reversed in my case. Your H has no sex drive but looks at porn. Have you asked him about it? Could he be trying to increase his sexual appetite to be more available to you? Is that something you can explore with him to open lines of communication. Maybe there is something there he likes and would be open to trying and doesn't know how to tell you.

As terrible as this sounds I an relate and my H is o.k. with that. I have never gone outside of our marriage though. If your H did then you have got a whole different set of problems on your hands. I could be way off base here to. Maybe there is some deeper issue. Maybe it is just as terrible as you suspect and if that is the case I am sorry he has hurt you and I am sorry if anything I suggested has hurt you. I hope yall get things figured out.

I can sort of identify with the situation you find yourself in. My other half and I got together through an online forum, which can be used to find friends although others use it to gain access to sexual partners. I'm no longer on the site due to my other halfs trust issues and i have also had to stop text communications with all but about 2 male friends. My other half and i have been together about 3 yrs and unfortunately i think we have only had sex approximately once for every month together, maybe less I have quite a similar sexual appetite to yourself, once a day would suit me. Yet i wake up in the night to find him masturbating, sometimes i don't let on i've woken up and just make a mental note of how often i catch him. He'll also openly tell me he's masturbating fairly regularly when i'm away at my parents. He tells me he loves me and gets upset if i say i feel rejected sexually by him, but that's how i feel. I feel like he loves me but isn't sexually attracted to me he also continues to go online to the forum where we met and i know he texts sexually on occasions. Maybe we should just have stayed friends, i love him but do resent him at times.

I...don't like to be negative about things, especially marriages, but this strikes me as a huge red flag.

Do you know if he's made good on any of the ads? Can you think of any excuses he's had to be away around the suggested meet up times, if you know them? I'm not so lenient on whether or not he met these women in the severity of what he's done/doing, but it does make a difference.

I'm curious...are these simply nude pics? It strikes me odd that you two get along so well and yet he's seeking outside sexual gratification. I'm almost wondering if he has some type of fetish or something that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you. I don't think that excuses him one iota, but it's worth consideration.

If I were you, I'd confront him. He's going to try to defend himself by asking you why you were snooping through his personal files. Be prepared to answer that (I'd recommend reminding him why you felt the need to, and that it was validated). He owes you an explanation for this. I'd also recommend couples counseling for the both of you to try to work past this, if you're inclined to do so.

Please understand, if you choose to work past this, it will take time. The feelings aren't going to disappear. It will take a long time for him to rebuild what he has damaged for you. While he's screwed up, if you choose to work past this, you owe patience to him as you rebuild as much as he owes you honesty.

Please know I am praying for you. My heart sincerely goes out to you. If you need me for anything, please consider my PM box open at any time.