sex ruins everything

I decided that I was ready to have sex with my bf so we talked about it a lot & ended it up doing it. Afterwards I felt a lot closer to him and I thought he felt the same, he slept over after then I woke up to an empty bed with a note saying that he doesn't think we can date anymore, and how its not my fault its his. I knew sex would ruin everything I should of waited guys are douchebags I don't understand I do what he wants which is sex then he still finds somthing he doesn't like. I don't even feel myself anymore without him, I know I'm only 15 but I had really strong feelings for him.

Today he showed up out of nowhere at my door with flowers saying he ****ed up and he's sorry & how he loves me and he doesnknow what he was thinking. I didn't take the flowers or the apology and I stood there & let him finish talking then asked if he was finished then shut the door. I want to have him back but I don't want him to think he can walk all over me what do I do?

I'm so, so sorry...

I do think it is very, very low of him to up and bail like that...that's the mark of a boy, not a man. I know this must be hard on you, him being your first. Every woman deserves to have her first time be a special moment (at least as I see it), and I'm deeply sorry he's ruined that for you.

How old is he, same age? Is this his first time as well? If so, it's possible he's nervous or scared. Sometimes we guys can be scared the first time, much like some girls are. I remember once I left a relationship I was in because I felt like things were taking a turn that I wasn't ready for, and I'll be honest, I could have handled it better, I admit. I know I hurt her feelings when I left. But it's a scary prospect, and it is exacerbated by youth. Unfortunately, he took that turn with you before measuring what it meant for him. That is his fault, and I don't think he understood what it meant for him or you.

Please don't let this jade you. We aren't all "douchebags," I promise. We have a penchant for it with some specimens of our gender, sure, but there are just as many good guys out there are there are good women.

As far as you for the here and now, I would tell you to talk to him. It might be hard at first...I know you're hurt and angry at him. You have every right to be. But try at least to understand why he ran as he did...it might set your mind at ease, and it might be a lot less sinister of a reason than you think. It doesn't excuse him, but it might help you, you know?

And please, never in the future give yourself to someone because it's what you think they want. Sex is a conscious decision between TWO consenting adults. You need to be ready and want it just as much as your partner. If you have any reservation about it whatsoever, you have every right to say no. That is your right as a human being.

Please take care, and try to keep your chin up. This too shall pass. Please feel free to PM me if you need me, and know I am keeping you in my prayers.

Sex can make a relationship really confusing especially when you are young. I sure that he is probably just as confused as you are and it sounds like he was in panic mode. He probably finds your rejection of his apology just as strange.

The first time you have sex is rarely all that you anticipate and romanticize it to be. I suppose that it is hard but it sort of sounds like neither of you are ready for it. Sex with the man you love can be beautiful and a time of intimate communication that goes far beyond mere words. It really is best in a committed relationship though,Out side of that it can open you up to a lot of pain and hurt.

It will be better and life will be better, but as Harley pointed out above, this too shall pass. Remember that you are a wonderful precious human being and you deserve the best.

Hugs -- Larissa

Hey harley,

He's 17 but its his first time too, I'm his first gf that's lasted longer then a month, I left this part out but I might have pushed him, I thought its what he wanted, he asked me about sex & if was ready before so I thought he was, we were just making out then I made it lead to sex, maybe he wasn't ready. But it might not be any of that, I love him so much I'm glad my first time was with him but now I feel guilty about it, this is the first guy I've ever felt this way about & I don't want all of what we have to be ruined over sex. Its just stupid, we were so happy afterwards, I don't get what upset him so much to leave in the morning? I really appreciate your advice harley

You are very welcome. It's why I'm here.

I don't think he's upset per se...I just think he realizes the gravity of the situation, you know? Just like he's your first, you are his first. That's a very big milestone in anyone's life. He very likely feels that odd guilt that you do, and that's what scared him off. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or regrets giving that part of himself to you. It's just a heavy realization to comprehend with someone that young (though I'm only two years his elder. I'm speaking as if it were me).

I am still very condemning of anyone who pulls the up and leave routine, but I think I understand his position a little better now. I do still think you have a right to be angry with him (lol I am, if we're being honest), as even if he was scared, he failed to consider what his not being there would mean for you, and the hastily scribbled note left behind didn't help. But it is very possible he simply panicked, and wasn't thinking clearly.

I would stick to my advice to talk to him about it, specifically why he did what he did (leaving and the note) and how he feels (about the sex, and about you two as a couple). At the very least, I think it will serve to clear the air, and will set you both at an understanding as to where you stand, in addition to definitely helping clear your mind.

And do forgive the obligatory paranoid post but...if you two continue to see each other and remain active, please be safe. Please?

Please take care, and know my heart goes out to you.

Well just found out everything, he just showed up at my house to tell me that he has had sex before & he wanted to tell me but he didn't know how he felt bad for it & he doesnthink he's good enough for me, geeese I'm hating this boy right now but love him so much! How could I be this stupid what horny 17 year old boy is a virgin.... God I'm dumb. He suld of told me arnt all relationships based on trust, I've told him all the guys I've hooked up! See what I mean sex ruins everything!

Please don't say that...you're not dumb at all. He wasn't honest with you, and you had no way of knowing that. You aren't psychic. That is not your fault.

As far as his past goes, as I said, I am displeased (to say the least) that he lied about it...do you know how many partners? Can you verify the number? If he's been with one other partner before...I can stand to believe his story. If it's more than one, I'm not sure I'd continue seeing the boy, tbh...I know that's not what you want to hear.

All relationships are based on trust, be it friendships, relationships, or anything else. The fact he lied, even by omission (though I trust this was brought up) violates a central tenet. He owes it to you, if you wish to continue this relationship, to work to regain that trust. That will take time...I am sure this hurts you, and no matter what he does, he is going to have to take time to regain that trust. It will not be an instantaneous movie-esque thing for either of you.

I know you love him, and I know that makes it harder when things go wrong. Don't let your heart overrule your mind to the point of indoctrination. I did that in my last relationship...it nearly ruined me.

And please, I reemphasize, don't let this jade you. Sex can be a wonderful thing when shared between two loving, ready adults. I do think this was soon on both your parts, but I don't think it has to end you. He MUST, however, be there to fulfill his emotional end of the bargain, and he MUST be honest with you.

Please know if you need me my inbox remains open, and I'll be checking back here often.

Sex between to equally loving partners is one of the best things to have, however confusion and poor communication quickly lead to the break down of any relationship.

It is not your fault, however both of you should sit and talk about your feelings, in person.

I agree with all that's been said, but want to add that you aren't stupid for believing a 17 year old can be a virgin. My brother was 17 when he lost his virginity. I don't believe it is that uncommon. I suspect a lot of talk at school is just that- talk.