I need a new hobby

I want to start this off by saying I am not particularly ashamed of this activity, its just that....I can't seem to stop doing it and its gotten rather boring after all these years. And rather recently, I realized how much of an effect it has had on my real life relationship(s).

Since I was about 19 or so I have been having a pretty amount of cyber sex. Back then I would literally do it all day on the internet or phone with little snack breaks in between. Phone sex, watching porn with someone, role play, everything as long as it was not actual intercourse since I was pretty freaked out by that at the time. Also during this time, I met my best friend, or so it seemed, and our relationship turned sexual in a short amount of time. Our relationship has been full of lies and drama, and it has pretty much always been extremely codependent and obsessive. Thankfully he lives in London and our paths will probably never cross in real life.

I had been sort of toying the idea of officially retiring this whole sexin' randoms online thing and an event that happened Saturday kind of confirmed that for me. Basically best buddy had just gotten out of rehab and immediately started looking for me online (where I can always be found, apparently). He tracked me down and at first it seemed like he was genuinely concerned about my state of mind I have been in since...well over a year now I guess (wow). The conversation quickly turned to sex and if I had been seeing anyone and after mentioning a few guys he just sort of flipped out on me and demanded to know how I could talk to other guys and if I was feeling so bad about life I could've just emailed him all the sexual things and I wouldve been fine. How imaginary sexing can cure the odd suicidal thought is beyond me. I can't even begin to type how warped the conversation got.

I have always felt badly for introducing sex in any form into our relationship and I guess this is the result. I feel really guilty about it and I kept help but to think that if I had never said certain things, we could have had a better friendship. But seeing as he is a fellow bipolar sufferer, and is also a coke/heroin/alcohol/sex addict it was kind of doomed from the start.

I don't know why I had been so blind and actually believed that being sooooo sexual all the time wouldn't eventually ruin a couple relationships, but it has. Kind of. I don't know. I just....I am bored with it, and just tired of getting asked for it, and I knew a new outlet. I just don't know how to just drop it. Every past attempt has been a complete and utter failure.I'm starting to think that cyber has been a crutch. I have no idea what to do to start living in the "real world" permanently.

Hi Che.

I don't think so much the result of your relationship with this guy was a result of sex as much as it was his personality failings. I have seen within my own family what cocaine addiction can do, and I'm aware of what heroin can do. I don't think you're to blame so much as that poison and what it did/does/can do to him. I do at least think that is a very significant facet.

I wouldn't advise you try to completely replace sexuality Che. Completely denying yourself of it isn't a healthy response. It's a matter of moderation. You don't need so much to cut it out as much as it sounds like you need to cut it down. Doing it (or anything else) "all day" is a little much. I'd simply advise you to cut it down, and I would think you'd be alright.

I do agree that "sexin' randoms" being retired is a good thing. I think you'd find a greater degree of stability in staying with one partner rather than randoms. I do think you're wise to acknowledge that the caliber of people such as your buddy you risk becoming involved with is lacking, and I think you're doing yourself a favor by cutting that particular aspect out.

To answer the question at hand though, a hobby should be based around something you enjoy. With a little more information as to what that may be, I can offer more detailed suggestions. A lot of people suggest some type of creative activity, such as some sort of craft or writing. Personally, I go shooting as often as ammo costs will let me and I'm a collector of various odds and ends (fossils, coins...guns I suppose if you took an inventory ). It all depends on what you like.

I do hope I was of some help. I wish you my very best, and the best of luck.

My best,
Harley

Hi Harley,

I actually don't know why I feel so much guilt about our relationship, I always feel like I am the one who ruined things, or tainted them, or whatever. He even says its not true, lol, but I really feel badly for it and in some warped way I think that maybe if I had never initiated things he would actually treat me like a human being and not his personal sex toy. A part of me knows that it was inevitable, but the way he freaked out on me was kind of jarring.

Hobbies, hmmm. I tend to pick up weird talents when I am having an episode. I can never duplicate them when I am "normal". My poor little sketchbook goes from insane portraits and paintings to stick figures, kind of hilarious. Maybe I should go looking around Michaels or another craft store and just pick something that looks cool. There isn't much that I really like to do and I think I kind of default to sexual things often. I think it keeps me from going wild in the real world.

I guess I don't know how to balance things out.

It's not your fault Che. His behavior cannot be attributed to your actions. You aren't a catalyst for his behavior. That's not how it works. He is in control of how he treats you, and him alone.

It is natural to be a little jarred after his meltdown, but don't let that scare you. You can't feel responsible for his actions. That's on him, not you.

Hobbies...well, I'd tell you not to necessarily limit yourself to crafts, as that cuts out a large range of options, but I wouldn't at all discourage you from it. It doesn't even so much have to be talent based. For example, I'm good at most Xbox 360 I pick up (provided it's not a sports game...bleh), but I don't play so much out of my "talent" for it as I do for fun. I'll concede art based activities are probably more constructive than playing GTA4 or CoD, but it's still a valid hobby.

I'm sure you'll find something you like. You just need to identify a few areas you enjoy, is all.

Hi Harley,

Yeah, you're right, I do limit myself. I'm weird that way, haha. I was thinking about getting an XBox 360 although I am kind of a diehard PS girl. My fingers just....do not like XBox controllers lol, I can't seem to get it. But then I was also trying to learn the controls whilst playing Call of Duty.....online....with experienced players...including my equally competitive lil brother. So yeah.

Thanks so much for responding to my posts, I tend to get caught up in my own head and really needed an unbiased opinion

My pleasure Che.

lol I suffer from the reverse problem...I cannot play at all on a PS cotroller. The Xbox scheme feels much more natural to me.

Definitely far easier to run through the campaign before going online...lol online can be brutal.