Am I messed up ?

I'm 24 years old and am writing to you since I see no other way out and really need serious help. I see that you have helped out other people in distress and this is my attempt to get help.

I was in love with a guy and we were together for a long time . He was "The one", a nice, down to earth guy , sensible , warm-hearted and charming. I thought we were getting married to each other. But it all changed when he went away to another country and a long distance relationship was all it took to tear us apart. I guess the signs were there ever since the beginning. He never made me feel secure and I have insecurity issues , maybe for lack of a strong father figure in my life. HE would deliberately try to make me jealous since he believed that too much of something could help one get over the issue and cross the hurdle. He stopped being communicative and blamed it on stress. Even indicated he was "fed-up"with my narration of my problems. I never knew he had problems of his own, grave ones . So when I asked him what he has in mind for us .. he said he couldn't commit to me .. and did not even know if he loved me ! That just broke me inside and i felt very very let down .My worst fears had come true. I became so weak and dependent on anyone i came across , be it a roommate or a cousin . And cried all the time. And was not strong enough to leave him either. Well, during this time , in a drunken state once , i slept with a college friend , who had nothing good in his intentions for me. Turns out he was only looking for a one night stand. I was shocked at what I did myself , with guilt eating my conscience and self-loathe at its peak. I told my then boyfriend about it and obviously , we broke up. In a pathetic attempt to save the relationship I lied to him about it after i told him and said it did not happen During this period he confessed to me that he did in fact love me and i figured in his plan for the future and agreed that he neglected me and should have probably treated me right in the relationship.. But soon enough , was compelled to tell him the truth because I did not feel like i deserved his love. This sealed the death of our relationship since he doesn't trust me anymore . I still struggle with the guilt and self hate over this whole thing.

After this painful beak up , i met a best friend to get away from all this and get stronger mentally. A common friend that I met , fell in love with me .And so did I . We had a mad crazy connection . so strong that even our dreams synced with each other . (This is verified because he told me what he dreamed of before I did. ) Call it a co-incidence but it was incredible. When we made love it was the most fulfilling emotion since he loved me and was so involved emotionally during and after. He would just hug me for beautiful long minutes after sex. When there was literally no barrier between us. We traveled everywhere, biked together , he even told his parents about me and that he wanted to marry me. I had never experienced an intimate close relationship before this. I was very very secure and lit was one of the reasons i loved him so much. But his parents gave him a hard time about it since we don't belong to the same caste (Yes, I'm Indian) . And that broke away just as quickly as it had come, for no fault of my own this time. Two painful breakups one after the other.

Now comes the part which disturbs me and i really need help with.

I masturbate. And as hard it is for me to admit it, I am. I feel disgust about myself . Especially because it makes me feel weak and powerless. Am I addicted to it ? I don't know. I hope secretly that I am not. Well , whenever I use a penetration to orgasm , I cry uncontrollably after. Its simply so sad. Maybe because it brings back all those memories ? I don't know. That doesn't happen if I only use stimulation. What is wrong with me ??

Hey KH. lol I think you're a victim of the dreaded double post...your topic posted twice.

I responded to your other topic. I hope I can be of some help to you there.