a really long and weird but true story

I will try to make it shorter but I probably won't succeed because this is about someone whom I have known for 25 years. I will call him D. He is 14 my senior and lives in Europe, where I am originally from but I moved to the US in 1992.

When he first met me, I was 16 and I found our age difference a complete barrier (funny but I went on to have lovers more than twice my age, but that was many years later). He was also not my type. Even now, that I am somewhat attracted to him is a complete aberration for me as he has a tender, tentative, high pitched voice and I prefer men with low, rich, confident voices (my ex second husband has such a voice). The voice quality is very important to me, much more so than the looks of a man. I think I might be unusual in that way. Funny but I do not have a musical ear and do not listen to music on a regular basis, yet I place so much value on the voice.

He fell deeply in love with me. He saw bad things coming (correctly, as it turned out) and did not want this love but could not help feeling it. And he felt it for many years and still, he says, feels it now - 25 years later.

I did not have a sexual relationship with D. until I was in my twenties, in between first and second (both now ex) husbands, and even then only briefly. I was at that time madly in love with a married man who reciprocated the love passionately but would not (almost, with minor exceptions like a bit of oral sex or breast caressing here and there or just sitting quietly together in an embrace) be physical with me because he did not want to cheat on his wife whom he had great respect for and with whom he had not one, not two, but five children together. His oldest sone was older than me... So because I was still full of feeling for this man, I did not even pay much attention to D. when I had sex with him. I did not even care to come... it was more like allowing him to love my body and that was it. I did not tell him at that time that I was in love with someone in America.

I will rewind a bit now. When I still lived in my home country, before 1992, I had three relationships with boys. The last one culminated in my first marriage. All three times I flaunted the relationships in order to provoke his jealousy and hurt his feelings, and enjoyed seeing the hurt. It was just the way I was.

In the first two years I did not even agree to meet with him, allowing only phone calls, and he basically suffered in silence.

He is a poet but he did not tell me about it until very late, when he started publishing and I was well into my second marriage. He self-identifies as a poet and creativity is very important to him (of utmost importance), so his non-disclosure of something so important to him probably means that he was afraid of how I would react, may be that I would put him down or something like this.

More poems in this works are dedicated to me than to any other woman, he says. He also says that I was the most sexually attractive woman in his life and that the way I treated him was not the way to treat any human being, not even someone as sensitive and fragile as he is, but absolutely anyone.

When I was closer to the end of my second marriage, in 2008, he finally got married, but he and his wife (20 years younger than he is) never lived together and she quickly became mad at him for totally weird reasons. They do not have children, neither together nor separately. He sees her several times a year only, but calls her his "wife", buys presents for her and speaks about her with tenderness in his voice. At some point they were close to getting divorced but now he says that neither she nor he is ready for such a drastic step. When he did marry her, he thought that it would be for life. With me, he says, he worked very hard on "erasing" me after that unsuccessful attempt to get me to attach to him when we were sexual together. He says that it was his last attempt.

He visited me several weeks ago and we were sexual together again but he would not come. I have never had this problem in the bedroom. This problem is why I am posting, looking for advice. He did have an erection, albeit not as spectacular as 16 years ago (which I attribute to his smoking because smoking makes penis smaller with time), but he would not come. He said that this is because how cruel I was towards him is still in his mind and that prevents him from coming. I do want him to come, I was very frustrated and disappointed to say the least, I will visit him in December and I want to know what I can do to make him come. A hand job, a blow job and vaginal sex all did not work. And I thought that I was good at blow jobs, but... not with him. A bummer. 16 years ago there was no issue - he came from vaginal sex just beautifully.

I have an analytical mind and I started to think that something is wrong here: I treat him now much more nicely than 16 years ago, which he himself acknowledged with a great deal of surprise - he even said that he did not expect that my hands would caress him so tenderly. So why could he come back then but not now when I only became better? His psychological theory that it is because of my cruelty does not explain it because if it were due to cruelty he would have been even less able to come 16 years ago. So other theories come to mind. The first one is: may be it is due to alcohol, as he drinks. I looked up "alcohol erectile dysfunction" and did get results. So maybe it is accumulated effects of alcohol. Age - I have been with men this age and they had great hard-ons, but I can see how each individual is different and this may have something to do with age. But it is all so weird because he has an erection! Yet he says that it is not hard enough or not hard the right way but it looks and feels alright! I guess it still falls under the definition of ED because if an erection is insufficient to complete a sex act, it is ED, right, no matter what it feels like and how it looks? I am at my wit's end, I really have not seen anything like this.

Then I made a faux pas, although it is still OK, he has recovered. I started explaining that 16 years ago I was in love with someone else and did not pay attention to him but now I am all focused on him so he should not feel worse now than he did back then. Well, he got so sad, it was amazing. He said that if I had lovers back then, I can still have them now so it would be risky to have a relationship with me. And other such things. Our relationship is completely asymmetrical: I am totally cool listening to his mentioning of having been attracted to other women, be it my bff (who used to be gorgeous and I would have been attracted to her had I not been heterosexual) or someone I do not know or, let us say, I helped him select a gift for his wife. I am totally comfortable - I like and am satisfied hearing that he has never been attracted to anyone else more than to me and I am fine with and welcoming of any mentions of his being attracted, but less so, to others, but he begrudges me my long past lovers. I even wanted to mention it to him, that asymmetry, but decided against it because he is clearly super sensitive... and instead I have decided to just not mention my past lovers to him any more.

Then I read his email, and found out that in the beginning of this courtship with his wife there was one occasion when he did not rise to her. She wrote all sorts of right things to him about it - that it happens to any man, that she knows that his sexual function is just right, etc. etc. A professionally written letter, essentially. I cannot physically read all his mail, but I've run searches for "erection", "rise", and the funny names that this couple used for their genitals... all my searches yielded no results, so it seems that it was an isolated incident rather than a recurrent problem. To me he said that with her he was able to come because she had not treated him the way I had in the past.

I should also add (and I have a very long thread about it under Bipolar) that he is deeply unhappy with how I look. He still finds my face, skin, and hair beautiful, but he is mad that I have gained so much weight and talks about it non-stop and wishes that I were as thin as before. So I understand that it is important to him and he is less attracted, but he does have an erection still, so my being fat probably does not explain why he cannot come, or does it?

So far my strategy has just been to be nice, warm and comforting over Skype (I talk to him daily over Skype) and just hope that his feeling of being afraid of me will eventually dissipate and I will succeed in gaining some trust, but is there anything else I can do when I am over there that would make him come?

I forgot to act something. Ha, I am making it even longer!

During his recent visit with me, I could not come, either, because I was on a high dose of Geodon. So he has never seen/heard me come at all. Now I am fine - lowering the dose of Geodon solved my problem with unorgasmia. Do you think that just watching/hearing your partner come is very gratifying and arousing? I know it is for me - I would almost experience what I called an empathetic orgasm when I brought my ex to his climax, so I am hoping that my being cured from unorgasmia would have its positive effect. Is it a reasonable hope?

Hi Hamster. I hope I can help.

I responded to your other post without reading this one. Do forgive me of that. With regards to the email alone, I generally stand by what I said. However, this certainly does add a new dimension that I wasn't able to consider in my last post. If you would, read that, and this will serve as an attachment.

Before I begin, I have to clear something up. Is he still married? If so, I would highly recommend to the both of you that he reconcile his marriage before being engaged with you, be it by leaving her to be with you or vice versa. Please do not take this as me judging you, but if he is still in a martial relationship, I can't in good faith advise much in that regard. I bring it up in large part for the simple fact that in my experience, affairs tend to end poorly and leave a trail of heartbreak for you, him, and her in the end. My point is that I don't wish to see you go through that. Please feel free to shoot me a PM in that regard...I was the "victim" of being the unknowing "other guy," though I will be the first to confess that it was largely a result of my naivety and willful ignorance. Point is, not fun.

Otherwise, I should point out that besides general knowledge that psychological medication can really do a number on the libido, I'm not very well versed in medicines, and I don't want to offer advice on something so important without knowledge on the subject. Therefore, I can't get into what role your medication may play (though congrats on defeating unorgasmia and getting the multiples back...I may very well speak on behalf of 99.9% of the male population and say you are envied ). Do forgive me on that. I hope another user can help you there.

Now, on to business...I think you may be dismissing his theory too soon. It's a possibility your "cruelty" was a turn on for him...almost, in some regards, to the way being submissive in a BDSM relationship can be. It also stands to reason that the "shock" of the "new you" might be a factor. I don't think that your weight would be a factor, in all honesty. I think it's rude of him to bring it up as often as he does, but if he's still aroused, I don't think that's going to stop him, so to speak. Speaking rather honestly, once we hit that point, it's as long as you're not hitting it with a hammer, you generally get results.

That being said, age and alcohol use over long term can very well be factors. Men will age differently as their testosterone drops, and yes, I do believe that an ED doesn't just mean failure to rise. If he has had this issue before, it may very well just be part of the standard progression of whatever it is. In that regard, he should speak to his doctor...you, I don't think, can be held responsible for that.

Advising under the assumption he is separated from his wife (again, not judging, this is just a little out of my comfort zone if he's not, to be honest...do forgive me there ), talk to him about it. You can't do anything about it if it's a legitimate physical block, but perhaps you could (with a little prep...you don't want to flip a proverbial switch on him personality wise and "shock" him more, if that's the case) bring back the way you used to be with him? There is, in my rather broad excursions on the internet red light districts (I'm 19...cut me a little slack there ), a fairly extensive subculture/fetish about being "cuckolded" like you seem to describe him to enjoy. Please correct me if my assessment of that is incorrect.

And speaking as a guy and rather frankly, yes, the "audio" is important. I will confess a very...well, to heck with lightly at this point...I'm still a virgin, but based on what I DO know, the sounds are a major turn on. There's a few reasons...aside from the obvious, thinking from his perspective, he may need the "confirmation" that he's doing a "good job." Inability to be able to reach climax, and thus make those sounds, might trigger an insecurity on his part in that he might feel inadequate. That's my guess, at any rate, but I feel confident in it.

I do hope I was of some help, and please, I hope I didn't come off as judging or in any way offend. I only mean to advise what I think is best for you in the long term, and given what I went through with my ex, I have a serious block in advising on the continuation of an affair (speaking if, of course. I was not clear on that regard of your post, so I may be needlessly speaking here). Again, please know I do not mean to judge or offend. I've been worried on that regard from the "Hi there" to now.

My best, and lots of hugs,
Harley

PS: How much does he smoke, do you know? lol I hadn't heard the correlation between smoking and...well, shrinkage. I smoke a pack a week with my roommate...and if it has a "pronounced" effect in that area, then I think I need to make a few reevaluations.

Thank you so much for invaluable input! With regard to the marriage, he is legally married and they see each other several times a year. She did pick him up from the airport. He plans on taking me to her place for the New Year bash. She knows me. She even has some of the stuff which was left over when I was selling my late mom's apartment over there - she has a big property in the country and she was able to take some boxes with books written by my grandparents. I do not regard what he has with me as an affair because I predate his "wife" (I place "wife" in quotation marks because to me someone you see several times a year is not a spouse legal status notwithstanding) by many years and am the main love of his life, the fact that has been confirmed by him many many times. I do not know how to name what we have, I do know it is weird, but it is definitely not an affair.

He smokes a pack a day - much more than you do.

Well...that does seem odd...you do bring up a solid point. I don't understand how one could be married yet see each other so little. I was very much in love with a girl I met a few states away (yay internet? -_-), but we didn't make any "plans" so to speak until we had both met face to face. Granted, that didn't quite work out, and that was all a facade to start with, but point stands.

I'm still not overly pleased that he's legally married, but with that...almost seems like a joke of a marriage, sad as that is to say...why not just divorce her? Anyways, I'll concede that with those circumstances...I dunno. I still don't like the fact he's married, even if it is "only" legally, but only a few times a year...it's strange to me, and hard to make a call on. I will trust your judgment in the matter and your assessment of the situation. I'm just glad I didn't offend...I was very worried there.

Anyway, I will do what I can to be of help. I would still very much like him to be "all yours," so to speak, but it's such an odd gray that you're describing that I'm hard pressed to call one way or the other. At any rate, I can offer what I can.

lol And a pack a day...alrighty, good. I can stop sweating bullets now, I suppose?

I think you safely can. Lol.

No, Harley, it is not about that (what you supposed). Nothing has changed. I visited him and the same story repeated itself - really hard, good erections and no orgasm/ejaculation, and he again blames my not being kind/fair/receptive/smart/whatever to him/with him many years ago, and he is still unhappy that I did not have sex with him back then, 25, 20 years ago and he cannot stop talking about it.

That is really annoying. It is also annoying that he thinks that my attitude towards second hand tobacco smoke is abnormal and, in his words, PSYCHOSOMATIC. The thing is, I got a migraine when he smoked in the kitchen adjacent to the bedroom where I was trying to sleep. Now, second hand tobacco smoke, just as caffeine withdrawal, skipping meals, dehydration, and, for some unlucky folks but not me, aged cheese and red wine, is a migraine trigger. I got that migraine about 10 minutes after he started smoking. I told him about it. He said that perhaps it is due to white wine (I had a glass of Riesling about an hour before that). Well, white wine is not known to be a migraine trigger. And that attitude to put responsibility on something outside his behavior! I took Imitrex, my anti-migraine med. It helped. Then the pain came back and he I told him about it and what do you think he said? "Just one more cigarette." I had to take another Imitrex. He did not go outside (he is afraid of catching a cold if he smokes outside in cold weather). He said "just one more cigarette".

So someone who has the guts to blame me for not having sex with him when he most wanted it two decades ago about does not care enough about me to abstain from smoking for several days!

Next day I went to stay with my bff and her family in a smoke-free environment but on the very last night of my trip I stayed with him because I left my suitcase with him. He invited me to go to Israel with him in May, which was very nice of him (I have never been to Israel and it would be free for me because I have enough Delta miles for a free flight and he would pay for hotel). But still he insisted that my migraine was PSYCHOSOMATIC. I said "go read - tobacco smoke provokes migraines". He said "but who wrote that?" (he believes that narco mafia finances all anti tobacco campaigns in the US and he also believes that smoking is beneficial in that it prevents Alzheimer's whereas in reality smoking is a risk factor, see http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/20...re-bad-science). And suggested that I go talk to a psychoanalyst about my migraines.

So he has this weirdest problem of not ejaculating that no one here has any clue about, and the only guy I asked about it in RL had no clue about either, and I have never come across this problem anywhere in many years and it has not even been mentioned let alone discussed anywhere, and he believes he can advise me to go see an analyst about my migraines which happen after exposure to tobacco smoke, a well-documented trigger of migraine attacks?

I did not say anything and I will not say anything unless I actually consider going to visit Israel with him because it is very frustrating to be with a person who does not come and I do not want to go through this experience again and I do not think I deserve to go through this experience as I am trying to be nice, so I will suggest that he go see a sex T to discuss this weird PSYCHOSOMATIC problem.

Harley, to put your worries to rest - this time his erection was of a good size, so his smoking, which is heavier than yours, apparently has not harmed him in that department. However, studies show that smoking can lead to ED and the more you smoke, the higher the risk. http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfun...le-dysfunction

I still cannot believe that someone who talks so much about his unrequited love in the past and his suffering AND talks about his lack of nicotine dependency (he says that he is not addicted because ten years ago he was hospitalized for some GI trouble, for a week, without smoking, and was fine)... cannot forego smoking in order to be with the object of his long standing love. So smoking must be more important. How else can I interpret his choices?

I have not experienced any chemical dependency myself, ever, so maybe I just cannot empathize with him and I really cannot comprehend his behavior - to me it seems that giving up smoking for two weeks should not be such a big deal.

He says that US recession is due to bans on smoking in bars. I said - look, California placed bans on smoking in restaurants and bars in mid-1990s and that did not stop all the high tech development that has benefited the world over. He was not receptive - he just believes what he believes. And that is OK - I do not care about the beliefs, in the end, I care about actions, which speak louder than words, and the actions say that smoking IS more important than me. The end.

Hi HB.

Firstly, please be so kind to allow me to address this one minor point in order to allow me to close my gaping mouth...with as much respect as I can muster, how in God's name do you reach the conclusion that smoking bans caused the recession??? I seem to recall a few slightly more relevant economic factors at play...something along the lines of the housing market nearly crashing. Had to get that off my chest....

Anyway, I don't believe for a moment that your migraines are psychosomatic. Cigarette smoke contains literally thousands of chemicals, including trace amounts of arsenic, if memory serves. It is, by no stretch of the imagination, healthy, perhaps save for any instantly overshadowed benefits brought on by stress relief. I believe you when you blame the migraine on the second hand smoke. When (well...if. I'm trying to quit out of respect to my mom...more on that later*) I smoke, I tend to make sure I'm well away from anyone before I light it...I think in regards to that I've only ever smoked in public once, and that was in a relatively empty Walmart parking lot after a night shift. My point is that I think it is very inconsiderate to smoke around someone who doesn't either smoke themselves or isn't expressly okay with it. To smoke around someone who has asked that you expressly not is incredibly rude.

It is rude and petty of him to chastise you for a decision you made two decades ago. YOU made YOUR choice, and he doesn't have much right to complain about it. It takes two to make a decision like that...two willing, consenting adults. Without that, it couldn't/shouldn't work. He cannot, in good faith, be angry at you for not wanting to be with him. That's childish. Honestly, were I you, I would rather demand he drop the matter...it's not his place to judge that decision, I don't think.

As far as HE goes...I honestly don't have the slightest of what it could be outside of ED. It strikes me as very odd that he is able to maintain a quality erection and is yet unable to climax. I highly advise he seek out his doctor, though...again respectfully, given what you've said, I don't think he's going to be too open to the idea.

Ultimately, it is your call to make regarding this man, but I would simply say that as an outsider looking in, I do not like his lack of responsibility, nor am I a fan of his unwillingness to let go of the past. That is only my view on the matter.

Lastly, and for my own benefit...what on earth is a Narco Mafia, and why would they have any stake in tobacco?

I do hope things work out, and I wish you all my best.

Hugs,
Harley

*My mom...lol well, she wasn't a fan of her only son smoking, which I quite understand. My Christmas present to her was my declaration of intention to quit. It's...going. I have a pack at the apartment now, but that's only because my roommate left it, and...lol well, the frugal side of me doesn't want to waste it, I guess. Granted, I didn't smoke on half the scale this guy does, so I can't speak for his level of nicotine addiction, but speaking for myself, it's not insurmountable, but it's not a habit dropped at the tip of a hat. I have my Blu ecigs, which help, and I have a tin of snus my manager shared with me. Those generally curb the "craving." For myself, it's not an overwhelming sense of "Oh my God I have to go get a smoke," and for me, "craving" is a misnomer. It's almost...well, for me, like casually wanting a piece of gum. If I can't get it, no big deal. But it reoccurs throughout the day. Weak, yet repeating. Figured my own experience might offer insight.

HE said that smoking ban has led to closures of bars-->less profits, and a recession . It is HIS idea, not mine. I enjoy living in smoke-free California!

lol Oh no! lol I got that part! PLEASE don't think I was pinning that nonsense on you!

Thank you, Harley! Let me explain about Narco Mafia - he cites studies (without giving me references so I cannot quote) that show that the smoking ban in California has led to increases in the spread of marijuana use and hard drug use. From that he concludes that narco mafia is interested in promoting anti-tobacco information and tobacco bans. He probably believes that people would always need to have SOMETHING, so if they are prohibited to smoke, they would turn to marijuana and drugs.

I used to use marijuana for sleep and told him about it. I do not do it anymore simply because of the cost - it is a great sleep medicine and I highly recommend it and low doses are sufficient, without psychedelic effect. He was so against it. But what he offered me was http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clozapine (not available in the US), in low doses. It is an AP but in low doses is used for sleep, pretty much like Seroquel but without weight gain. Well, it did work, but next day I was heavily sweating, more than ever before in my life, and I read through the drug insert and sure enough, the last bullet point was sweating. And marijuana causes no side effects. He still insisted that marijuana is outside of conventional psychiatric treatment and thus inappropriate. The simple idea that one would always prefer a side-effect-free medicine regardless of whether it is inside or outside of conventional psychiatric treatment just did not penetrate his head so to speak. I also jokingly recommended marijuana to him as a blood pressure medicine (he uses something to lower his blood pressure) and he was horrified.

At any rate, I am glad I live in California that bans smoking in public places and allows medicinal use of marijuana... By his logic, the same people that pushed for legalization of medicinal marijuana in California in the 1990s were behind the ban on tobacco use in restaurants that occurred roughly at the same time.

But that is not the main point. The main point is, thank you for saying that it it was rude and petty of him to chastise me. He really should be happy that I am with him NOW. As I said I will not make a fuss about it now because there are higher priorities, but if we do start talking about spending time in Israel in May, I would say to him that if he is unwilling to let go of the past and enjoy my company in the present, I will not go with him. I will stand my ground. SO THANKS!

No problem. lol Thank you for bringing up the point that you are, indeed, with him now...I wasn't going to mention it.

He'll have to forgive me if I find his whole anti-smoking conspiracy utterly absurd. Yes, there's a stigma against it, and yes, there's certainly a lot out that wish to see it reduced, but I feel like it's more a matter of educating people about the dangers and wanting an increased public health status than it is a hidden agenda to push people to hard drugs.

lol I've heard marijuana has the side effects of "hungry happy sleepy," so I'll concede to your opinion there. I'm not sure how I feel about it as a medicinal regimen, and I've never done it nor do I intend to do it myself (I can't risk a record for law school and the Bar, and my mother would kill me, so... ), but I've heard it can be good for medicinal purposes. I'm still...I guess a little biased against it. Not that the use or users bother me per se, but my mother did a fantastic job of assuring me that my young life would be well over if I ever tried it. I tend not to doubt that.

Funny but it did not make me hungry at all. Just sleepy!

I live in VA. The area of VA that I live in is like the pot capitol of VA. If you are after "the good stuff" everyone in VA comes here, to this part of VA. That being said and anyone who know the trials of my H and I, my T and I were talking about what we could do to help my H chill and relax a little, I told her special Floyd Co, brownies. I thought she was gonna choke. (She was a stoner in her wilder days) She knows about where I live.

There are many good and valid uses for pot. My uncle fell and broke his back. The pain meds made him so sick, he used pot to increase his appetite. We have an herbalist here that will recommend pot in a heartbeat. She works w/ you though to make sure it is safe w/ the meds you might be taking and other health history as well. It is execellent for cancer patents same theory. I wish my H would use just enough to chill, relax and enjoy life a little.

I've heard of it being used to help chemotherapy patients regain an appetite and help cope with the nausea and pain. I've heard so much that the commonly prescribed prescription given to reduce nausea to chemo patients is only a synthetic version of THC (or that it mimics THC in the body or...something). That's always interested me.

Yes, the medication is called MARINOL and it is FDA-approved, but very expensive.