Does any one else dissociate when having sex

I have recently found out I have major dissociation issues. My T wonders how I can drive it is so frequent. I don't drive some days. I can tell it is not going to be a good mental day. Anyway I just dissociate a lot. I get the feeling that dissociation is not a good thing. I dissociate a lot. I can't seem to remember where I "go" mentally and I'm quite content to just "go". I can sit in silence for an hour or so and have no idea where my mind wandered to.

I have just began talking in T about dissociating durring sex. I have a feeling this is gonna come up in T next week. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I don't. To make matters worse I simply prefer to dissociate.

DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SINCE TO ANYONE?

Let me tell you real briefly what happened. 20 years ago I was raped repeatedly for 9 months. When I got married, well before I got married, I was sketchy in what I told my H about this. After being married for 18 years the reminder in the back of my mind of the rape is surfacing. I never told anyone before my H and he doesn't know anything about what happened just that it did and that is why I don't like to give BJ's.

The issue is I dissociate when my H and I have sex. I am totally elsewhere. I don't know where. Sometimes I think about the kids, house work, the kids school, feeding my animals. I do not want to be there mentally w/ my H. Ofcourse this affects the quality of our sex life. So much of the time I simply go away mentally and have no idea where I have been.

I'm afraid to let myself go there. I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid to be available. I
just don't know what will happen. I have never been able to give myself over completely to who ever I was having sex with. (in past relationships) But I don't think that is the issue. It is more being completely "gone" mentally. I simply prefer not to be present when we have sex and if I am present I'm trying to hurry things along with my H will be done faster. So it will be over with.

Sex is not painful in any way, it is not pushed upon me, but it has no reward though because I'm not "there". When I am "there" it still has no reward. I only have "O" solo these days.

Has anyone been in this stage of life? Is dissociating really that bad? I'd like to hear what your opinion is, what you have been told by T's or simply what you think.

Yup - I realized over the summer that I dissociate when having sex. I also dissociate when just being intimate without sex. I was assaulted 20 years ago, when I was in high school (but not raped). I've also never (even before being assaulted) been comfortable with being touched by others.

It does bother me, because I realized that it puts a huge distance between me and a partner, and that dissociating does not allow me to experience positive aspects of being touched. I've talked about it a little with my T, and we need to get back to the topic, but I've had other, more pressing things to talk about lately. I'm not currently in any kind of relationship, so it doesn't feel like something urgent for me to work on, but still something I recognize that I need to talk about and work on.

I've thought about what it might be like to not dissociate, and it honestly frightens me. I think I'd have to start out slow...be present while kissing and then stop the interaction or let myself dissociate. Then, try to build up to being present for more and more interaction. This sounds totally silly, but I think what might help me is to actually talk through the experience in my head - what we're doing, how I'm feeling, etc. Like....I dunno...mindful sex

My T is very in to mindfulness, and it has been helpful for me in dealing with other things, so it might be helpful for me in dealing with this as well. T also has me remind myself that I'm not trapped, that I can stop things or leave at any time, whenever I start to check out because I'm panicking and feeling trapped (for whatever reason). I think, if I were in a relationship with someone I really trusted, having them verbally remind me that I'm not trapped and they will stop if asked would be helpful in keeping me present. Even just having someone talk to me while being touched is helpful in staying present.

Thank you for shareing. I to dissociate even when being touched in a non sexual way. It absolutely scares me to death to think of sex, or cuddleing w/ out dissociating. I might could talk durring sex, I know I could but it doesn't keep me present. The subject matter has litle to do w/ sex though. If my H reminded me that I was safe and I was not going to be hurt or trapped it would make me feel worse. But that is just me. For some weird reason when people say these kinds of things to me I cry. Who knows why. When people tell me they are proud of me, or that I am valuable in any kind of way, I cry. I don't know what is wrong w/ me and it is very frustrating. But that what T is for.

Yeah - I would probably cry too, at first. And, yes, I cry when people say nice things to me or tell me they are proud of me or whatever.

I even struggle with having a doctor touch me - completely non-sexual, but I still dissociate. At my last appointment, I asked the doctor to keep talking to me, tell me what they were doing, and remind me to take deep breaths. They did, and it did help some. I stayed present, but then broke down in tears afterwards.

I'm single right now, and enjoy being single, but I also think that part of my desire to stay single is that I hate the distance that dissociating puts between me and a partner. The last guy I dated kissed me on the second date, and I freaked out and told him I wasn't interested in seeing him again. We weren't really a good match anyway, but him initiating any kind of intimate contact before I was really ready just made me panic.

It is all I can do to go to the DR w/ out crying and the dentist to. When I was 12ish I went to the dermatologist. It was horrible. He stood near me very close and touched my skin. It was so creepy. He was a great dr. I love him to death but omg don't touch me.

Kissing yuck. I do not like it at all. I don't know why. I just don't. What a gross notion. Someone sticking there tongue in your mouth. How nasty is that. Not a turn on. Putting a tounge or a pen** in your mouth. What are people thinking. You eat w/ one and pee out of the other. Yikes.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who cry's when someone says something nice to you. It makes no since. Maybe someone here will know the answer to that one.

I used to be the exact opposite. Sex used to be mindfulness, being present in the moment for me more than anything else. I do not have patience for meditation and that sort of mindfulness-related stuff, but sex sure did it for me. Now it does not but you know my host of problems so no wonder. I hope my current situation will not last forever.

One gal tried to do DBT with me and I found it incredibly boring - all those handouts with long numbered lists and acronyms, OMG! But I do remember grounding exercises - that is all that I remember from all her efforts. You "ground" yourself by getting in touch with the sensations of where you currently find yourself - that would be noticing how your H's skin feels to your palms and the rest of your body, what smells there are in the bedroom, etc. Grounding is supposed to help with dissociation as well.

I can enjoy sex and be in the moment with it but I have disassociated during in the past, sometimes when I don't I get very overwhelmed and cry. Not sure if it has to do with the fact I was raped when I was 15 (passed out at a party) or the many men who took advantage of me when I was manic/drunk/high. But the thought of what is going on becomes to much and I freak out

Hamster the thought of that makes me want to disapear. I do not even want to think about the feel of my H's ckin. That jsut makes mine crawl to say it. But to each there own.

Grounding is part of what got me in this mental mess. I was driving. That seems to help me alot. I was driving the baby to sleep and past a dumpster. One this guys used to dump me at. He'd get me lost and then do what he did. I found the dumpster. That was 18 years age. Things sure look different in the daylight when someone is not trying to get you lost.

Oh well. I'll figure this out eventually I guess.

Sex like that sounds almost like a torture to me. When I read your posts, I remember how I had akathisia on Seroquel, and that was pure torture.

Whats akathisia. Yeah sex is not a fav. past time of mine.

Akathisia is the insatiable need to constantly move your body when you simply cannot be still. The feeling of needing to crawl out of your skin. It is a little hard to describe but suffice it to say that mentally WELL cancer patients who develop akathisia as a side effect of cancer treatments have been know to commit suicides.

EEK Kind of like RLS Restless leg syndrome. An incredible need to move and walk. So much so that you wake up from sleep or can't sleep. I had that when I was pregnent.

Sex is a chore. It is not fun it is not rewarding. I cought my H tonight and told him you got 60 sec. The little one will know I'm gone. If you want it here it is. It has been three weeks since the last time. I feel nothing but yuck about sex. You are tight it sound like torture. It's not torture cause I'm not "here" mentally.

Yes, similar to RLS but the whole body is involved, so it is worse. Yes, I woke up from sleep and could not go back to sleep due to it.

Your dissociation saves you from experiencing sex as a torture. So it is a rescue mechanism for you.

I am very surprised that you are able to orgasm. Surprised and, of course, glad.

solo mainly. In 18 years maybe 50 times. W/ previous boyfriends none. Now the meds have killed my sex drive. When my T asked me to rate my sex drive before and after meds I told her on a scale of one to ten one being almost no sex drive, to ten being the once a month so horney you gotta have it and often. My sex drive was a three before meds and now a .5 ,a half, if I have any need it is is for me alone. I don't want to share.
I know what I need and want so why involve someone else.

I do have fond memories of what sex used to be like. "O"'s from oral and it was most pleasent. But now it's gone. Between lack of desire, dissociation and frustrations w/ my H it ain't happnin.

Big Mama,

I used to have to dissociate regularly with my ex-hub and ex-bf's in order to make it through sex. I was with my ex-hub for so long, that the dissociation and misery became worse and worse as time passed. First, it was fellatio. Then it moved onto penetration as well. After 10 years (or so), I couldn't even handle kissing my ex! I felt horribly guilty, like a terrible wife, for being so negative ~ but that's just the way that it was.

A year or so after we separated, I became involved with my current bf. He's taken things much more slowly ~ and I've been the one in complete control throughout (as my bf is paralyzed chest down). that has slowly allowed me to remain present emotionally throughout the experience as well as enjoy it.

It was a tough road for me...you have my sincere sympathy!

Shez thank you for your support. I do not feel quite as alone on this as I did at the beginning of this post.

As far as things go w/ my H. I am not interested in any of it. Not sex, oral (giving or recieving), kissing, none of it. The meds have helped kill my sex drive and I could change meds but that is so hard on a person. If my H and I got along better and I thought there might be even a glimpse of want, I would change meds in a min. But that is not the case. The past crap affects things as well.

I'm glad you understand and I am also sorry that you do understand. Because no one should feel this/that way.