At My Wits End Please Help!

I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for over 3. When we first got together he thought that it was important to wait a little while before we had sex. Understandable, though not my MO in the past. I waited the amount of time he wanted and then we started having a sexual relationship as well as an emotional one. The sex seemed pretty great. I thought that there was passion. At this point, we were also several states away from each other so when we got together the passion was on overdrive because we knew we wouldn't see each other for a while. I moved to his state and we lived together. The sex was still pretty great, I like a bit of kink and I thought that he did too. He would tie me up, we would role play, costumes, sometimes toys, things like that. Over the last few years, our sex was dying down. It was both our faults, I am not going to lie on that front, though I would masturbate a lot and I gather that he did too. I wanted this to change, I knew that I would have to show him that and take the initiative because I was feeling unfulfilled. I bought some sexy lingerie, made a yummy dinner, and wrote down a list of sexual fantasies that I wanted to act out with him. Now I guess this is the part where I am supposed to let you know that I am pretty attractive, 5'0, size 4, proportional body, pretty face etc. I find him attractive too, though he is a bigger guy, 5'8 285, husky rather than fit. Back to the dinner, long story short, he totally rejected me, made me cry and left the house after I set up this whole thing. We talked about it the next day and he revealed that he was stressed about a bunch of things, that he was flattered but I put too much pressure on him and all that. I understood after a while and we decided to eliminate some of the stress which meant that we were not going to buy a house and that we were going to wait to try to have kids a little longer. He said that he would try in the bedroom more and that he did want to do the things with me that I noted on the list.

That was 2 months ago...now I still initiate sex, all the time. I work out regularly, keep myself shaved and clean, wear sexy things to bed, the whole 9 yards, and about 70% of the time I am rejected. He does not have ED and he is a lot less stressed. I doubt that he is seeing anyone, and he is not enjoying the fact that I am constantly asking for sex. That I want to do these things with him and that I get upset when I am rejected. He shoots down sex hours before we even get to the bedroom part. Then when I wear him down as he puts it, he makes a point to tell me that the only reason that he had sex with me was because I wanted it. It makes me feel so unwanted and awful, but he is my husband so I keep dressing up in these outfits and trying to seduce him. I talk to him about the rejection, we have a very honest and open relationship like that, and he says sorry, he's just not in the mood. I asked him if he ever had passion for me and he says no. I ask him if he finds me attractive and he says yes, and I ask him if he thinks I'm sexy and he says that he sees me as cute, which is how he's always seen me. I told him that I would love for him to try to seduce me, think about ways to pleasure me or my me want him bad, and he says that he won't do that. I don't know what to do. It makes me feel unwanted, and honestly embarrassed. I am 31 and I know that I am hitting my peak, I know that he already hit his peak, but I seriously, I have known many 40 year old men with stronger libidos so what is up with this situation. I am beginning to think that he just doesn't want me, that maybe he doesn't love me, and that we are best friends who love each others company, live together and have sex sometimes...but he says he adores me and loves me. His actions just say the opposite. Thoughts?

It's just possible that you have a man who has a low sex drive, while you happen to have a strong one, especially, as you say, now that you are reaching your peak.

Can you live with this situation as it is? It sounds like you have more than tried to get his motor running. Wow! I bet my husband has wished from time to time that I had been more motivated to be wilder.

Sex is just not very important in some marriages, and as long as the couple is happy with that situation, then it works out fine. But I hear you saying that you are not happy.

I have to say that I am glad I'm not a man, since they have to do more work in the sexual department. In most marriages the fire does die down after awhile and the couple is more like two dear friends. However, it does seem a bit early for that.

We could imagine all sorts of possibilities, and you probably have: he's really gay, he's having an affair and is worn out, etc. But let's go with the more likely scenarios. It could be, as I say, that he is really not as interested as you. Most men tend to equate love with sex, but not all of them. And some women would love to have a man who is willing to snuggle but not expect much else physically. He could have been just trying to make you happy by doing what you wanted earlier. Also, has he had a physical lately? It could be his testosterone level is low.

I suggest you run this by your own doctor and see what he/she has to say.

Hope this helps!

Is he on any medications or had any changes concerning that. Sex does die down with time and he could be way more stressed out than you know. I would suggest toning it down a bit, and not trying to seduce him as frequently since that is just backfiring and obviously not working. Have you asked him if he has been masturbating or is interested in someone else? If he's masturbating a lot, ask him to try to not do that for a week. If he's easily able to get stimulation from himself it can make it harder to with other methods. If he's interested in someone else, than that should really be addressed in therapy I think. Honestly, it sounds to me like he could be struggling with severe self esteem issues. I'm guessing when he was younger he thought that he'd be more fit at this age, and own his own home, and have children and a higher income. If you believed you were ugly and worthless and unlovable, it probably wouldn't matter what he did, you still wouldn't believe it, at least not without working through these issues within yourself and possibly through therapy. Is he in therapy of any kind? Sometimes people need an unbiased mediater to bounce thoughts and ideas off of. I encourage you to not give up on this marriage though. It may take a lot of work, but you can get through this.

Sounds like you are putting too much pressure on him, but your problem is a fairly common one.

According to a recent survey, men are more likely than women to reject their partners. It's usually for lack of self-esteem, performance anxiety and other issues.

5'8" 285. 5", Size 4 and YOU'RE seducing him and he's not interested. Hmmm. Something is wrong here honey. You're instincts are correct. Take it from another husky guy. I don't know a guy like that who wouldn't be lovin life trying to keep up with you. hell, most would probably have a heart attack trying to keep up!

So, either he's gay OR, you found the other, slippery side of that coin. As a husky guy needing to get naked in front of a shapely young lady and perform, he may now be feeling self-conscience. Any chance you could have made a casual comment about his size or the attractiveness of another more in-shape guy? When you masturbate, do you use pictures of men who are in great shape?

Other than that, barring something like some infidelity on your part or something else that you might not be mentioning, he might have a medical issue like diabetes that could be causing a decrease in his libido.

Good luck!

I think he must be annoyed to no end. Constant repetition of even the best things in the world would eventually get annoying if you expect a reaction from him. The situation is certainly unfortunate and lots of men would love to take over from him here but he is where he is at. Maybe give him some peace for a couple of weeks, like a total moratorium, zero expectations, read a book before bed if you can, wear plain pajamas, and then talk to him about sex without seducing him. Just talk.

Thank you all for your posts, I am sensing that the majority of folks think I am putting too much pressure on him. I'm not trying to. I can tone it down a bit, I am not sure if I want to lock it down to a total moratorium though. He is on a statin which I guess could have sexual side affect, I should talk to him about that.

I guess my issue is not just the sex but also that he said he has NO passion for me, and never did. That he won't ever try to find new ways to please me and that he can never see me as sexy. That doesn't feel good. He knows that it makes me upset because I am extremely, to a fault honest with him and most others for that matter. I am seriously considering seeking therapy but he thinks that would be a waste of time for me and a waste of money. I am just feeling like he doesn't want anything to change, and that he is unwilling to put forth the effort to make me happy in this regard.

I am just not sure what to do. Most of you say stop doing what I am doing, but what can I do instead?

Oh if that is the case then it is a serious situation, for real. Why did he marry someone he only considers cute? What was the point in doing that? But he is entitled to have married you for reasons that only made sense to him... why did it take eight years to tell you that you are only cute to him? But at any rate, therapy is not magic and I think that you would need magic to turn him into a passionate lover that you obviously need. So you should find another man, which based on your self description should be virtually effortless.

The good thing in your situation is that you know what you need very well and are able to formulate it. You are not confused or unsure. That is all great. But you are with a wrong guy.

I'm not so quick to just say dump the last 8 years of your life. You obviously married him for a reason. The man you married is not gone but he may be a little hard of hearing. Take it from a guy who's been around for a while; WHEN MEN ARE COMFORTABLE, THEY CAN BE BLIND TO THINGS THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER SEE AS OBVIOUS AND SIGNIFICANT.

I know it seems unbelievable but he could still simply not understand how close to losing you he is. You need to tell him, flat out, that this is not working for you and that something has to change. You're not wrong to want what you want. YOU do not need therapy. The marriage is broken right now but it is not irreparable. IT needs therapy. You should insist on Marriage Counseling and tell him that if he refuses, you will leave him. If that is not an option, he has no reason to change. he has to make a real effort. Then, if he knows what the issue is and has done nothing to change, at least when you walk away, you can do it with the knowledge that you tried everything possible to fix it.

Goodness no, I love my husband. As I said before, we are best friends, we are very well suited in every way...except this one. I may have to learn to live with it. It may be that he does not feel great about himself, which does not lend itself to feeling sexual. I am not really at the point where I want to tell him that it's therapy or nothing. I don't want to leave him. I don't want him to be a different person, but I don't want him to look at me like some cute little thing that should simply be cuddled. I am a very sexual person, I have always been and he was keeping up with me just a few years back. I think I will back off a little, stop coming on so strong, I don't want him to feel guilty or inadequate because he can't fulfill my needs. However, I do expect him to try a little harder, and I will articulate that when I can because I think it's important. I am not a cheater so I will not be on the prowl for another man. I will see if he wants to go to counseling with me, though I highly doubt he will do that. Thank you guys again for all of your comments.

if we was keeping up with you a few years back, that means at some point he thought of you as more than some cute little thing to be cuddled. That sheds some light on why he married you in the first place, and gives hope that you can eventually go back to how things were just several years ago.

I'm of the mind set that even if he refuses therapy, you should go for yourself, because this has got to be damaging your self esteem and self worth incredibly. And maybe when he sees that you are serious about this, serious enough to go to therapy on your own, maybe it might dawn on him to think about this issue a little bit more and how important it is to you.

And besides, if all else fails, you are taking care of yourself so that you will be stronger in the future, regardless of what happens or where life takes you.

I think this is a great idea.

I was not suggesting that you get another man while in the marriage. I was suggesting switching men. Selling your stock, cutting the losses, and buying a new one. You are saying that your stock used to be very high and you want to hold it hoping that it would go back to its former heights, which is perfectly reasonable if you have some sort of deadline in your mind.

I have had Androids since the first release in 2008. I do not use them in the way that many people do - I do not have a suite of apps. I just do not care. A couple of my acquaintances are Android developers so I know that some people care very much, but I do not. And I disregard emails from Google Play that invite me to try millions of apps. What I need is: the phone should ring, it should keep contacts and sync them with the cloud, it should display GMAIL and Calendar and sync them as well, and occasionally I use maps. That's all - very minimalistic. Oh, and, infrequently, taking pictures. But the first thing that the phone should do is ring - make calls. That is why I have the phone in the first place. It is my basic requirement. That the phone is a camera is nice-to-have and optional - if it stops taking pictures but continues to ring and sync gmail, I would be too lazy to go to a repair shop or get a new phone. But if it stops making calls, I would go the repair shop route and if that fails, switch to a new phone. This is, again, because making calls is my basic requirement.

You explained and articulated your sexual needs very well, so it is clear that for you, unlike for some other people, intense sexual life is not a nice-to-have optional feature but a basic requirement. Currently you have a phone that does not ring and does not want to be taken to a repair shop.

This is great advice! Thank you I will look into my own therapy and go from there.

Thank you all.