Trying to sort out feelings :/

I was reading your line about "I want to stay messed up all the time because real life is too hard to deal with" and drawing my conclusion from that line. As I said, you do have the basic mental capacity, but you are not ready for complex decision making.

Try to start with simpler things. Find a therapist, improve your condition, go step by step... Do not take on too big of a project, such as a wedding.

A lot of people use alcohol and other things to relax and deal... I mean I do it for fun too at times but mostly as a to lessen my stress level. Something happened last night that made me wonder though. I got really drunk last night and my fiancee and I went to his best friends house to smoke we were sitting in my truck and I started passing out and throwing up. My fiancee didn't know what to do so he just sat there. His best friend knew exactly what to do and had to tell him what to do. I wonder if it were just me and my fiancee there if He would have not done anything at all because he didn't know what to do.

If you cannot stop getting really drunk, you need to make sure to reduce the harm potential by eating and drinking lots of non-alcoholic fluids (tea, water...) while you consume alcohol.

I was so stressed last night I downed 3 big drinks and then felt a little sick then smoked 2 blunts and I smoked a couple cigarettes (which is weird for me because I don't smoke cigarettes)

downing three big drinks without food is completely unacceptable

You're punishing yourself with drugs that aggravate your depression--why? Because you're unhappy with the BF situation. You found die from from such overdosing and he dosing, and he does nothing. Why are you playing these games with each other? Who's getting anything good out of this?

Agreed.

I have to agree with the rest of the group here. 20 is very young to be making a big huge life decision like getting married, especially if there are such huge red flags being thrown up like not really being attracted to the man that you're engaged to, questioning your sexuality, being slightly irresponsible with alcohol and drug use, and having issues with depression. Are you really ready to make a lifelong commitment to a person with all of these things going against you? Is it fair to yourself to do that? Is it fair to the other person to do that? More importantly, is it fair to your future offspring to do that?

If you really think that you're meant for each other, what does it matter if you choose to wait and put off getting married for a little while so that you can work some of these things out? At the very least so that you can get yourself established with a therapist and get your depression taken care of. As someone who ruined an engagement because I chose not to deal with my mental health issues, I can tell you that it is very important to get this taken care of before you enter into marriage. Maybe depression has something to do with why you aren't sexually attracted to your man. I have issues with this when I'm depressed, and nothing--nothing--can make me have any level of desire when I'm depressed. I don't care who the man (or woman, because I'm bisexual) is, it ain't happening.

But still...the issue of attraction to women. I think it bears looking into. For sure.

The reason I threw up so much the other night is because I ate a lot of food at school and then left and got drunk. I ate the wrong kind of food. We have a year until the wedding date we planned so maybe I have time to do both. Idk maybe its not getting high that is the problem because I have been doing that for about 2 1/2 years. The getting drunk part is kinda iffy though because I don't get drunk as often as A LOT of people I know but I always think about it and always want to.

Okay, let's pretend that none of that is an issue (though it is, but if you want advice on that, maybe start a different post on it). There are much bigger fish to fry, which I addressed in my previous response, and so did other posters. You originally asked us to give advice about being attracted to women and not your fiancee. How much you drink and what you eat with it is probably the least of your concerns right now.

You have so many issues, depressedgirl, that you aren't even sure of their priority. This denotes both you extremely depressed state and your immaturity. Add your confussion over gender choice and you need to slow down, give yourself a break. You're not ready for the commitment of marriage--no reason you should be. Figure out who you are and what sort of life you want first. And who you want to share it with. No rush.
Be good to yourself.
roadie

This. This 100 percent. Absolutely.

+1 from me, Roadie and Misskeena.

Hey there dg-
Hmmmmm...this is exactly what I went through at age 19.
Had a very good looking bf, loved him loads, we got engaged, he disappeared to South America, came back changed, I changed, broke up..two years later, fell in love with a woman, in the midst of this, got into a relationship with another guy with an even worse character than my ex fiancé, went thru a whole heap of crap winding up 7 years later attracted to a completely different people..what I'm saying is, take your time, because no point dragging another human being into a lifelong commitment when your not sure that your sure..othrwise you have a one way ticket to disaster...be honest with yourself

The only reason I said anything else about getting sick from drinking was to reply to the comment about it. I know its not important why I got sick. It doesn't really matter anyway cause he read this post and got really hurt by it and felt rly bad and now I feel bad for hurting him.

Why do you feel bad for hurting him? Why does not he feel bad for accessing your private information instead?

Plus, you did not hurt him, but rather expressed very reasonable concerns and doubts.

Nothing to feel bad about.

What in it hurt him? Can you point out the exact culprits?

He was hurt and upset because he didn't realize how much he was really hurting me. He said he doesn't know why I love him and he hates himself. That's why I feel bad

In reality, you wrote, quoting OP: "I am engaged to a guy who treats me good most of the time."

He does treat me good when he's not in a bad mmood......