I can fantasize, but if if sexual things become to "real" I react strangely

I have a problem with thinking about sex in "real life". It's mostly ok in my mind, but the very mention of something real happening, I feel sick and terrified. I imagine it would be similar to someone imagining some horrible disfiguring accident happening to them when there's a legitimate chance that it might.

I was NOT abused as a child. Mistreated a few times as an adult, I suppose, but nothing to explain such an extreme reaction.

For example: if I were to hold an unopened condom in my hand, I would freeze and not be able to move or think for a while and feel like throwing up. It's not like I feel fear either. My brain just stops and is unable to work for a while. And when it does, I just cry. That was an extreme example, but that just happened recently, so...

There's nothing I can do about it that I know of. I can't do therapy unless I lie about fictional abuse. People can't think like me unless they were abused apparently. And there's many other reasons that I'm not doing therapy again.

And it wouldn't matter except that I do still have a sex drive and in my head, sexual things don't elicit such a response. That and I crave the emotional side of an intimate connection. But that means having sex too in nearly every situation.

I want to get married someday. Well, I guess I should say, I WANTED to get married, but that's apparently not a viable option.

You yearn for emotional bonding while having sex and when this is missing you feel sex as horrible. Get married and I'm sure everything will be just fine for you.

I've never had sex. How would getting married help? It just dooms the other person to have a terrible or non-existant sex life.

And how in the world am I going to find someone who wants to get married who isn't already? And find someone who would be interested in me? People aren't even interested in dating me.

Why do you think you would have to have a history of abuse to receive therapy? But you mentioned you had therapy. Sounds like it was a bad experience.
What is the source of your knowledge of sex... Did you receive any sex education when you were younger?

I don't think that. It's just that every therapist draws that conclusion because apparently it doesn't make sense that I'd be so bothered by sex if I hadn't been abused. Therapists just annoy me in general...I never found it healthy or helpful to go to one, but that's just me.

My knowledge of sex:

From my parents: You should probably use a condom and spermacide (if that's even a thing. Is that a thing?)

From school: I don't remember anything except names of STDs and how I found out what masturbation was and realized that I had been doing it all along and it felt really wrong and gross after that. (The school never actually said it was...it was just understanding what it was)

From the internet:
all the problems that arise about/from sex, like on this forum
Porn "taught" (I use the term VERY loosely) me different ways that sex could be done. But since looking at straight porn grosses me out, I haven't really learned much.
I learned what a penis looks like. Well, erect at least. I have no idea what it looks like otherwise and I don't particularly want to know anymore.
I've learned that way too many guys are way too pushy and manipulative, and that I should be very wary of men in real life. (Of course, real life has taught me that as well).
I'm sure I could think of some other stuff, but what I do know is only fantasy. And when I try to read about real sexual issues and stuff I find it to be really really gross. I really don't understand how it's worth it. It's just so GROSS.

I have very similar issues and I'm in a relationship that has lasted for 3+ years and the emotional bond is strong. But no sex. I can't deal with it. I can barely deal with seeing people kiss.

You at least are able to develop an emotional bond without being made to feel guilty about the absence of sex? I guess that's good news. Hopefully we can figure out what's the matter with us.

Although I see we're from different countries and I don't know if in America if anyone would let you get away with having a relationship with no sex (they would just force or guilt you into it or leave it seems) unless they are asexual perhaps. But then, I don't know much about culture in Norway...are they less sex obsessed over there?

And I agree with kissing...I have to cover my eyes if I'm watching TV or a movie.

Yes! We did have sex the first year or so, but not the last 2-3. For me I think sex becomes an issue when I start to bond emotionally. He understands and says he'd rather be with me and not have sex than be with someone else, even if it's for life. They're not less sex obsessed here (I've never been to the U.S. myself though), but most people are more liberal. Maybe they can obsess less about it because their religion and values are less sexually frustrating.

Yeah, haha! I thought I was the only one my age still doing that. I can endure short kisses, not long ones.

Sorry about making assumptions about your country...and yes, even if you're not religious, you're affected by religion and values in the U.S. I don't know if it makes a relevant difference because there are plenty of Americans who are not bothered at all by these things, so it seems that culture is irrelevant.

And also, you were able to have sex at first and then it became a problem? I think I would find myself in the opposite—it would be a problem at first and if I could work through it, then things would work out. But I can't seem to bond emotionally, let alone date or have any opportunity to experience anything sexual (even kissing and everything that would inevitably lead up to sex) unless I were to just be with a stranger or some random person which is something that I'm NOT interested in. I don't think I would ever be comfortable without a strong emotional bond. So without the ability to create such bonds, I'm going to be a virgin for life.

I don't mind. I think the culture that affects you is the culture that surrounds you, and you can't escape that effect. I'm sure you can find someone who isn't affected by this culture or doesn't let it ruin a potentially good relationship!

It might be that we have similar issues despite the differences. I'm almost also unable to bond with people emotionally. I bond half-way, sort of. When it becomes too close I shut down. I feel much empathy, but I don't care much more about my friends than I care about strangers (although I'm very loyal). Eventually people become closer to me than I am to them, with one exception I think. You need to stay positive about your future though. At least to the extent that you feel you can, realistically. I don't know you, but I find it hard to believe that you will never be able to date or experience something sexual with someone who isn't a stranger. It may take years, but I do think that if you give it time and effort this is something that can be resolved. Then again, I don't know you or what your mental health issues are.

Do you have an emotional bond with your parents?

OK as a woman I love sex. I do not speak for anyone but myself and I do not pretend to have an easy pat answer. I just wanted to share my experience and maybe something there might be helpful. For me learning to be a sexual woman was a growing experience

I was also raped as a teenager and for years I just looked at sex as a necessary evil. Something that I had to do if I wanted to secure and hold a man and if I wanted to ever have a baby. My first husband was abusive and full of himself and then turned to drugs and our marriage ended in a disaster.

When I met the man who is now my husband, something changed. We had sex on our fourth date, and again I was scared to death. It was also very different than I had ever known before and my whole attitude slowly began to change.

We are sort of programmed by society that sex is evil, sort of like the forbidden fruit. We put all sorts of restrictions on where people can do it and also we hear a lot about sexual predators and the exploitation of sex.

I began to change my thinking, feelings, and emotional responses when I began to think of sex as a natural act, something that men and women do together. When two people love and respect each other sex is the most natural, normal, beautiful and pleasurable experience that it was designed to be. There can be all kinds of problems when we are afraid, inadequately aroused, exploited and made to feel violated or vulnerable. It does not have to be that way though. When I fell in love with my husband, I realized that sex made him very happy. As his lover and then as his wife it was my duty to make him happy just as he endeavored to please me.
Soon my attitude began to change. Sex was not about me anymore but it was about us. The love, the trust, and the commitment that two people share in this most intimate of all acts bonds us together.

Perhaps this sounds ideal and overly romantic. I do not think that one can overcome fears and inhibitions just by deciding to do so. It takes time and it is ok to go slow, perhaps a little further each time. For me the key was to get beyond the mere animal gratification and realize that my fears were the product of years of negative conditioning as well as some violent abuse. It has made all of the difference in the world

I'm glad it all worked out for you. It's probably not overly romantic, just way over my head.

I'm concerned though about feeling like it's a duty. Again, I would be guilted into something I didn't want to do because I have to do it for someone else. Although it's likely I just don't understand.

I don't understand love, trust, or commitment. By that I mean, I don't know what love is supposed to feel like, I don't know how anyone can trust anyone ever, and I don't understand how commitment could happen. I mean someone committed to me on any level? It doesn't make sense unless they get something worthwhile out of it in return, which I suppose must be sex. Which means I better be good at sex and get used to the fact that if I don't want to have sex with anyone within the first few dates, I shouldn't date as it would be wasting their time.

I've just recently found a place where people respect me...as an artist. I'm not sure if they respect me as a person, but I really have no idea.

I've tried the go slow, go a little further each time online, but it just led to me realizing I can't even get past kissing (online, not even in real life) without panicking. Which leads me to feel really guilty as I'm hurting the other person by not just letting them do whatever they want. Which inevitably leads to self-harm.

And so, I don't see how I get over something like this. I'm never going to meet someone who's going to waste years of their life trying to help me. If I meet someone who's even willing to physically do anything with me ever without being very desperate and/or very drunk, I'd be a bit surprised.

Don't you have any close friend you can talk about this? Haven't you ever come across anyone who is interested in you or because of insecurity you showed cool shoulder to them?
Getting emotionally attached has risk of getting hurt, so be sure who the person is. You need to take some risk to find yourself. No risk No gain.
All the Best. May God soon make you meat your soul mat

Feeling to give pleasure as a duty can harm you mentally. You tend to make yourself as an object instead of human. Love does exist, when you are ready to hurt yourself for someone else's happiness, that is where the love is. From your talks, I can see that you are very loving person and care for others.
May you find your soulmate who is ready to understand you and love you.

No, I don't have any friends to talk about this, at least not in real life. There were probably a couple of people who might have liked me a little, but I didn't feel safe around them. One apparently took me out on a date (I don't assume going to a movie with someone as automatically a date unless it's said) and tried to make a move on me and then I got freaked out. Even if I knew it was a date, I don't want to get physical in any way on the first date. And another guy (more recently), I just kind of got weird feelings about him, like I'm afraid to be alone with him...and I think he was just looking for someone to go to concerts with (which is fine). He's likable, but I just feel uncomfortable since he knows I've been physically weak (and am in physical therapy, getting better now) and he's strong. I don't like feeling like I wouldn't be able to defend myself. I don't know—all I know the amount of fear was abnormally strong.

This is probably going to sound dumb to anyone with more experience, but if what you're saying is true (and it makes sense to me), then if you're willing to hurt yourself for someone wouldn't that mean giving pleasure would be a duty? In my case, giving pleasure may be hurting myself for someone. Maybe "hurting myself" is the wrong terminology, because it really makes me think of self-harm.

I also feel that people in general know me as an object and not as a person with the whole being appreciated more as an artist and not a person.

I understand what u are going through because personally I'm going through every bit of it. The person who taught me meaning of love, person whom I miss, I yearn for though I haven't met him for over decade now... he was the person to first use me as an object. My mind says this but I can never blame him, never say he used me because I could do anything for him. I could have gone further too if he would have asked for. It did hurt me to let him go, but I knew his happiness wasn't with me and I could let him go very easily, could smile to see him go away.
My relationships have been with the very people I trusted the most, people to whom I had shared my feelings with... but nothing ever changed anything for me, I never wanted to lose them (Probably I'm too insecure about myself), just to keep them with me I agreed giving myself to them. All of them moved away, some even blamed me because beyond a point I would lose my mental balance by pleasing them and become over demanding.
I'm currently in a situation where I've started enjoying the pain I get from the men. If I get close to anyone and they make advances, I pretend to be interested as well, knowing well that it deepens my void, aggravates my wound. When alone I pity myself and with that the feeling to get more pain increases. I do yearn for love, for understanding but I'll never find such a man in life. All men wants is our body, nothing else. I would like to have a day in life where someone makes me feel special, makes me feel wanted not just an object of lust.
My fantasies are also painful and I can't even react normally in them.
I won't say I was ever abused, because all that happened with me had my consent. I too tried a therapists but couldn't get satisfactory response from them.

Your reaction might be because of some of your experiences or may be influenced by other experiences.

I think another problem is I honestly feel like I don't have the right to say no. I know no one is going to understand that. But in my family, my dad was always right and everyone else was wrong and stupid.

Is it any different with women, or are all they're interested in is sex too?

More or less things are all same everywhere. In my house too Dad had all the authority. We were not supported for independent thinking.
I'm not interested in sex but if someone makes any advance I get a feeling that it is my duty to please him.

it could be your brain going into self preservation mode, warning you of something you do not know .

when i was 7 i was introduced for the first time to a guy my mom had been seing, he was introduced to us by 'this is xxxxxx, he makes me happy and i want to know if you want him to be your new daddy' my brother and i had to 'go upstairs and think about it' half way upstairs my brain did just as you explained, it stopped, went totally blank for a few seconds, when i came to i carried on upstairs, in tears, totally paniking because for some reason there was no way i wanted this guy as my daddy. i was over ruled and only after they were married did i know why i did not want it so badly...he abused me for the next 10 years! i had no way of knowing this before, but some how my brain knew it was wrong to agree to mum marrying him.