[Xlosersclub]

Hey all,

I know this seems similar to the last new thread "my boyfriend never wants to have sex," but my situation is a little different.... So some honest advice would really be appreciated.

My BF (32) and I (24) have been together over two years, but even since the very beginning of us dating, we didn't have sex very often. At first I thought he was being a gentleman, but once I addressed the issue it turned out to be a little different. The first time I asked him why he never seems to want sex, he became extremely defensive and blamed it on me being sleepy, which really hurt. We eventually moved on, but the problem never resolved.

Now 2 years into our relationship, he's talking very seriously about marriage and has always talked about wanting children and wants to get pregnant. I remind him, "hey, we gotta have sex to get pregnant!" The feeling of not being wanted has eventually lead to me having an ongoing sexual affair with another man for the past year and a half. I'm not blaming him, I know it's wrong, but I need to feel appreciated and wanted. My BF has no clue, but seems to be becoming insecure about my faithfulness - maybe because he knows I'm not happy with our non-existent sex life.

My issue is that no matter how much I bring it up, and even cry to him about it, he hasn't made an effort to initiate sex. We are both submissive in bed. I don't feel comfortable taking control unless I'm tipsy. He obviously is shy and doesn't want to initiate, and often times when we do have sex he has performance anxiety (can't finish, goes flaccid, or just seems to get bored). He tells me that receiving oral is what really turns him on, but I remind him that it has to be an effort on both our parts, and I'm not willing to give oral every time and get nothing in return. I've bought him Viagra, men's vitamins, etc, but he doesn't use the Viagra because he never wants to initiate! Ive bough lingerie, but dont feel comfortable having to put it on every time, in fear of rejection. At this point, the only times we have sex are when we are drunk, which is maybe once a month, but often less than that (so far it's been a month and a half). He still blames me because I like to go to sleep early and he wants it late at night,r but I blame him for not initiating. It's a vicious cycle that he doesn't seem to want to fix. I've begged for therapy but he doesn't think there's any issue, and doesn't want to talk to other people about his sex life. He says he doesn't have any problem with our sex life and there are no issues needing to be addressed.

Contributing factor?:
Once we moved in together, I starting seeing porn on the computer history, which hurt me a bit because I think to myself, "he looks at porn of women who look nothing like me, maybe he's not attracted." When I really looked int the history, I learned that he has a fetish for "tranny porn" or aka chicks with dicks. I've put it together that since he loves to receive oral sex, he likes to watch a female perform oral sex involving male genatalia, but doesn't want to see the male. Understandable, but still weird. I also noticed, he flips through the pages quickly, seconds or minutes apart, and he claims he's not masturbating, which I actually believe (but I know we all do it sometimes).

So all in all, can two submissive people be compatable in the bedroom? And this far into the relationship, is it even possible to fix without therapy? Or should I just call it quits with a loyal, honest man who wants a life and family with me, and the only man I've ever trusted with my whole heart?

Please help!

[Travelinglady]

It sounds to me like the question is: Are you willing to marry him under the circumstances, knowing that he is happy with the way things are? Are you sure he doesn't have some gay issue, underneath everything?

What would his response be if he knew you were involved with another man?

If I had to say one way or the other, then I would say, "No, it doesn't look like things can be fixed." But you are the one who needs to deal with the reality of the circumstances. If I were "Dear Abby," then I would probably say, "Move on," since he sees nothing wrong and doesn't want counseling.

when you say never do you mean never? Maybe you should get him to open up to you about his other fantasies if you say he likes transvestites. He might want you to anally penetrate him or something.

I too was wondering... What kind of guys are those who likes to receive oral but don't want to actually have sex??? They would play with female body but won't be interested to give her pleasure..........

[The duke]

He seems Asexual to me. U both need to c a therapist.