I hate sex and it's not fair to my Husband.

I think the title says it all. I HATE SEX AND IT IS NOT FAIR TO MY HUSBAND. I was raped 20 + years ago, before I met my Husband. I would be fine if we never had sex, It does nothing for me. I don't like to be touched in a sexual way or in a nonsexual way either. My poor H. This is not what he signed up for when we got married. Few men sign up for a life of no sex. That is kinda why you get married. So you can have sex w/ the same person forever.

My H is attractive, smart, funny, can be kind, and lets me stay home w/ the kids because that is important. I don't have to work, but could if I wanted to. My H is prepared in the bedroom. He knows what to do and what works and takes directions well. I just don't want to do it. I dissociate lots of the time. The amount of pressure I feel to make "IT" happen is quite stressful. Because if the big "O" don't happen then he feels a since of failure.

It is hard to believe in 18 years,(the amount of time we've been married) that I still have no desire to have sex. Not w/ him or anyone else. We have done things to spice it up a little but still nothing. We have watched pron together, it is like viewing a soap opera but they forgot there clothes. It doesn't do much for me either. We have tried wining and dining, there isn't much we haven't tried. I just have no interest. I have "O"'s from time to time and that is not the issues. It's not like they don't or can't happen. It's just I don't really care if they do or not. My H can get his fix, I don't care if I get mine or not. I'd be happier if he's just leave me alone.

Is this totally weird. Any idea on how to reclaim a happy healthy sex life. Or is my poor husband doomed to a married life w/ no sex.

Have you seen a therapist about this issue? Maybe you can work through your negative feelings about it. After all, it can be a really amazing experience, and it would be nice if you could have a good time with it, too.

I don't know what to tell you, other than you aren't the only one who feels this way, and you aren't the only one who doesn't know what to do about it.

My husband is very kind and thoughtful and he's a great lover. I just really don't care about sex much. Hugging and cuddling? Oh yes!! but sex? No, really, not necessary for me, thank you very much. It's not BAD and I enjoy it when we do it, but I just have too many bad associations with sex and I really just don't want to.

Sorry you're feeling this way. It's hard. especially when you're with a good partner...

Hi there, i joined this forum a little while ago for many reasons, one of them is that i believe many of my problems stem from being raped. Regarding the issue you are having i too am struggling with sexual issues, too many to mention. I am terribly sorry to hear of your difficulties, and dont know if i can help you at all except just to listen and share my feelings and what i have come to learn in therapy. The rape/abuse i experienced occured from the age of 15-17 from an older married man who shaped my entire outlook i think on men/relationships. My husband and i have been married for 2 years but been together for 13 years. In the beginning of our relationship when we were dating i would say our sex life was normal but i was about 21 years old, our relationship however was filled with drama, jealousy and arguments all from my side. He in turn became rebellious and cold which made my attraction to him all the the more apparent, thus making me more attracted to him sexually. When i turned about 26 i became very cold sexually and never even responded to him at all, i had no sexual desire watsover. He was angry and didnt understand what was happening. We are now married, although my sex drive is back, it is not for him. I am attracted to only pornography, illicit sex with married men and strangers although i never acted out i get involved with these men on the internet, which doesnt help with my marriage and what im trying to achieve..I am sorry if this hasnt helped you but just wanted to try to assist if i could...

Bless your heart.

It sounds to me like the biggest hurdle by far is the association of what you went through (which I am sorry ever happened to you ). That is something that can take much therapy specifically focused on that one area to correct.

Something that can help immediately though is trying to relax about the "O." You know that O's don't come often for you, and you being stressed about it doesn't help whatsoever. I know and appreciate your husband's importance on your O, but you feeling...obligated, I suppose?...to have one for him isn't helping either one of you.

Try to explain to him that O's for you simply don't come often. Explain that it isn't his fault. Basically, try to alleviate the sense of him being "inadequate" (which of course isn't the case, but there's a sort of degree of pride and...lol almost duty...in making sure you're covered, so to speak ). By doing that, that can help you both out.

I hope things improve Big Mama, and I wish you all of my best.

Hugs,
Harley

Harley thank you so much for your kind response. I have told my H that "O"'s are not a sign of success or failure. The trip there is worth the ride, the end result is just not always wonderful and it doesn't have to be wonderful. The ride must end one way or the other.

Kendyll and Payne thank you for your support. I am seeing a T who specializes in trauma's. My H and I see the same T for marriage T. It is starting to help but I have a long road ahead of me. It helps to have support form folks here. Thank all of you very much.

Big Mama,

I think you deserve your own happiness and being free from the burden of trauma that makes it impossible for you to enjoy sex is a good goal in and of itself, without regard to fairness to the husband. Sure, if the trauma therapy helps you, he will enjoy its results, but you should view it as a collateral benefit rather than the main goal.

I am hoping T can help with this . My intent at the moment is staying married to my H, but that is not certin. I am doing trauma work for me and my future w/ what ever man I am with, my H, a new man after divorce, or no man at all.

I just feel badly for my H and can't seem to get him to understand. I don't even understand either. I just don't know if reclaiming a normal sex life is possible after this kind of event. I don't know if others have insight into that or if there is a T around here somewhere at PC that may respond and let me know if there is even hope.

Just curious. Hamster, Thank you for responding. I value your opinion.

I think the answer is in resolving your past trauma. It sounds like when you are touched that your mind goes to that place you were 20 years ago. I think as you work through that, you may be more open to being touched and sex. It happens to me sometimes that something reminds me of past events and I get really upset internally about it an connot process it. For me it is when I fail at something. When I fail, I go to a place where I get angry with myself and think I an not worthy and can't do anything right. I think in the same way your being triggered by being touched. When someone touches you, it probalbe feels wrongs and like they are doing it for thier own pleasure and you are devaulued and feel like an object. I may be wrong on that, but I think that is how I would feel if I was in your shoes. I think the key is to learn that when your husband touches you it is out of love and tenderness and not his own satistfaction.

You know yourself better than anyone and I could he way off base. With that being said, I think marriage is about more than sex. It should be about a lifelong commitment and knowing someone will be by your side through thick and thin. There have been times in my marriage where it has been months without sex and other times where it has been almost everyday. I think marriage is more than an agreement to have sex with someone and take on a list of responsibilities. It should he about a lifelong commiment to one another and an attempt to live a happy and healthy life.

Our marriage has never been about each other. It has always lacked doing things for the good of the other. I do things for my H far more then he does for me. I don;t know if it is bacause I am female or what the reason. He is quite self centered. Him being nice to me and me opening up to him always comes with a price. I think since T this week he may be changing his tune a little.

It appears that he is very sorry for treating me like he has for 18 years.I think he is starting to realize he has screwed up badly. It will be a learning process to let him back in. I have kept him out of my heart for a long time. I had to protect me.

Who know hwat is going to happen. I feel more hopeful w/ the T to help me threw my trauma and help my H and I both where we fall short.