Ashamed of fetish (femdom)

Hey everyone, I only just joined this site (I feel bad for posting this massive thread before replying to anyone first, but I have an urge to 'confess' this now and hopefully get some advice/share ideas).

I've always had a very high sex drive and I'm probably addicted to masturbating (1-3x a day on average but sometimes up to 8x) and this was never a real problem for me until a couple of years ago I developed a fetish for femdom/humiliation/cuckolding (but NOT bdsm/pain/whips,chains/diapers etc.) - its specifically female domination (mainly psychological) and the thrill of feeling 'lower' than a woman that now turns me on..

However, the real problem is how it makes me feel day to day/when I'm not horny. At first I felt a little embarrassed but now completely ashamed, I think this is because I (perhaps foolishly) shared my fetish with (then, but now ex) girlfriends and I feel strongly that this is the reason the relationships fell apart (that they found me less attractive because they knew, and I often encouraged us to role-play in this way).

I've read a lot about fetishes and I'm a Psychology undergrad so I have a good idea of Jungian interpretations and many other explanations so I have a good idea of why I have the fetish. However, I'm more concerned about the shame I feel as this recently led to suicidal thoughts (I'm waiting for therapy but maybe 2-3 months to go). I'm quite a masculine and 'proud' guy and seeing users on porn sites who embrace/ take pride of their similar fetishes only makes me more ashamed (sorry!). It's not that the fetish is always on my mind, but that the shame is. I also feel as though the fetish is a spell that comes over me and as soon as I cum, it vanishes and I'm left feeling bitter and angry.
I feel like
a) I'll never find a woman who genuinely enjoys being dominant (even then, I'd be difficult for her because of the shame)
b) I'll meet someone who doesn't, and impose it on them ending with another break up..
c) I'll suppress and deny that I have it (doesn't last more than 2 days, I think denial is the wrong road for this)

If anyone has a similar story, fetish, or attached feelings of shame please reply as I'd love to feel less alone with this problem. + If not I hope it was an interesting story ;P

I have similar feelings a lot of the time. You can meet women with similar interests though on fetish dating sites. Collarme.com or fetlife.com are two of the bigger ones.

Hi LifeofPi.

Many here, myself included, would tell you that as long as your fetish/fantasies are between two consenting adults, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, nor any reason to feel ashamed. It's certainly nothing that should contribute to suicidal thoughts...it is not, in a manner of speaking, anything that bad, so to speak. Fantasies are just that: fantasies. Indeed, I think if you looked around a bit, you would find more than a few who're into the same thing you are (and more than a few who'd be willing to oblige ).

As far as it interrupting your last relationship, don't feel bad. That's not your fault. How exactly did you broach the subject? She may have felt intimidated by it, or furthermore may've been judgmental. That's not on you. That's on her. Or it could've been a simple matter of sexual incompatibility, in that she didn't feel comfortable doing what you were asking, and that may've been a contributing factor. In that instance, there's no blame...just two conflicting ideals, really. In that case, it would have been as if you had asked something she wasn't comfortable with. But again, it's not something that's per se bad...on the contrary, I think it's just a fetish, with no need to be ashamed of it.

Browse a bit...look around. You're not alone in this.

Hugs,
Harley

I have no clue about what Jung had to say about fantasies of this sort, but I have seen mentions of the flip side explanation of your fantasy. The way it went: people who in RL have a lot of power crave relinquishing the power in their fantasy life. Is that in line with Jungian ideas?

At any rate, if you accept this hypothesis, then it would explain how you, being successful in your academic pursuits, being virile and proud of it, etc. etc., do have some power in RL, and that leads you to want to be dominated.

Then, if you accept this explanation, you will hopefully see a reduction in the suicidal ideation, because this explanation basically says that there is nothing wrong with you and everything right with you.

Thanks for the replies! I'll check out the sites, it would be amazing if the solution is as easy as finding similar people, but I think that's one step ahead of me. I'm at a crossroads between rejecting or embracing it and I need to decide which first.

Thanks Harley, I agree with everything you say, I realise there is nothing inherently or morally wrong with the fetish, I guess I'd be more comfortable with a fetish of balloons or something because there is no 'shame' element to it - my fetish is fundamentally based upon shame and embarrassment and I can't help feeling this is a side effect to some trauma and I might be happier if I fixed it rather than indulge.

One of the relationships failed because it didn't turn her on and she'd want regular sex every time and this bored me and annoyed her that I was unhappy. The second one failed, she said, because just knowing that's what I like made her stop liking me.. which hopefully explains why I felt so low. The fear is what if 99% of women want a man to be dominant all the time.. how am I then supposed to find someone, can I only find a future partner through kink websites? It would be so much easier if I didn't have this fetish but I know I have to deal with it now, I'd really appreciate some ideas on what I should do next. (I'm being a quiz show host again)

a) I should reject the fetish and seek therapy to eradicate it (maybe hypnotherapy)
b) I should embrace it, carry on telling girlfriends (when the time is right) and hope that trial and error will put me with someone who enjoys it +use kink dating sites to help find someone
c) I should accept it but not embrace it; keeping it to myself and pretending to girlfriends that I don't have it

Thanks again, this is making a world of difference for me and it's so great to be able to finally talk about it.

You need to check out the sites recommended by Illegal Toilet by way of collecting information without which you cannot make informed decisions. So BEFORE becoming "a quiz show host again", you need to do the information collection exercise thoroughly.

Also,

- the majority of women do not fall into either part of the dominant-submissiveness. A minority of women want to dominate and a minority of women want to be dominated. Hence, it is not possible that 99% of women would want a dominant man all the time. A lot of women are just pure vanilla, neither this nor that.

Hey, I know how it feels, being the other end of the stick of being the female with no male guy who wants to take my cock and be my b****, to be perfectly frank.

You definitely shouldn't be ashamed, because you are not the only one with this fetish. But yes, it's going to be very hard to find a woman to dominate you, and it's even harder for me to find a man willing to be humiliated.

Try using the site fetlife.com They have an enormous section on newbies and they will have a lot of the answers you are looking for. You may also find women in your area who enjoy dominating men.

Hey again guys, I haven't slept :P I replied last time without realising you posted hamster! Just a quick explanation if you/anyone is curious - Jungian interpretations in this area hypothesize men to have a dominant streak and women to have a submissive streak (as seen with most mammals, in a purely physical way to encourage sex), as human psychology is more complex than animals, so is this relationship between dom/sub, sometimes it extends into the nature + psychology of relationships rather than just the sex, the key thing Jung thought was that men also have a submissive streak and women have a dominant streak so the balance of 'power' is on a ratio with most being around 50/50 but leaning towards male being more dominant. However, with some people this is switched (more common with men) and the male enjoys being submissive which is expressed in many different ways.

(breathes) Thanks for your interpretation Hamster, I like that a lot, and your kind words cheered me up I can see why that would work, I think in my case power is switched with pride and this might be the real 'variable', as commonly power = pride. I'm a student at the moment so I don't feel particularly powerful but I have a lot of pride, mainly because of getting through very hard life experiences etc. (no idea why I enjoy that being taken away from me!)

I agree 100%, I think my ex's were both full vanilla and the more recent was slightly submissive - that was the problem. I guess i'm coming to terms with the fact it will be much harder to find someone right, as if its not hard enough ay. I've been on fetlife doing 'research' for several hours now haha, trying to make a few friends there already, thanks so much guys for the support and advice.

Thanks for the kind words DrSkipper, its also good to hear someone else complain about it a bit! I feel like i'm the only one who's unhappy about it, more than being the only one with it. But i'm coming to realise i'm still in the process of accepting and forgiving myself for this trait I have, and kind intellectual people like you all are helping me so much.

If you fetish caused no harm and was between two concenting adults I think it would just part of who you are and what you enjoy. Some of us like blonds others like brunettes. I think the same thing also applied to sex. We all have different kinks. I share your fantasy. I have told my wife about it and she is ok with it, but she cannot rullfil that fantasy as she likes to be submissive. I don't think these fetishes have ruin a releationship. Two people should be able to be open and honest about what they find arousing and they should be able to agree on what they want to do sexually. I think that is part of a healthy releationship. Your fetish us uncommon, but not unheard of. There are women out there that enjoy taking control of a man.

I think the thing to think about is how important is this fetish to you? Is it something you can live without? Do you have to have it to have pleasure from sex? Does your suicidal ideation come from rejection of your past mates? I think they have a right to thier opinion, but you do as well. I think if they don't like you for who you are, then you don't really need them. You have a right to do what you find pleasurable as long as it doesn't cause harm to yourself or others. I hope you find resolution to this issues.

I have exact same fetish, psycological femdom and for that i used femdom erotic hypnosis mp3's. But the feeling of shame after its over is also there. There is a diffrence in fantacy and reality so i let this thing exist only in my fantasy and in reality i would never actively search for dominant female. This keeps my life in order to some extent.

I have a completely different fetish, but I know what you're talking about. When I was much younger (possibly around your age) I used to feel a lot of shame for my fetish. This was especially so right after masturbating to it or whenever I was not feeling horny and thought about it. I never feel that shame any more. I think it's just a phase you have to go through when you are relatively young and different from the "norm." I would not recommend trying to get rid of the fetish. It won't work and will just cause you stress. Like others have said, just make friends with other people who are in similar situations and try to just accept that it is a part of you, and it is perfectly ok.

That feeling has a name, which is well known in femdom circles, I forget what it's called though. In other words it's completely normal.

I think it's 'subdrop'.. but could be wrong. I've never experienced a sense of shame as a submissive really, just self hate for needing to submit.