New boyfriend has no libido or "skills"

Disclosure: Sorry about the TMI but its necessary to explain!

I am a 24 year old female who has a history of depression and anxiety. In fact, that's originally why I joined this forum last year. However, with some serious life changes I have overcome most of my depression and anxiety. I have gotten off all medication except the occasional xanax (maybe once a month). So basically this is the happiest AND healthiest I've been in years. The only thing health wise I continue to struggle with is chronic bacterial vaginosis. It is not an STD, but like a yeast infection that keeps coming back. Symptoms are discharge, odor and cramps. Some days are better than others symptom-wise, but I never had a strong odor before and recently I did. It has made sex an issue in past relationships, but overall every guy has been understanding and still just as sexually attracted to me... Sorry about TMI but it plays a role here!

On March 17th I met someone who I had a very strong connection with. We pretty much fell in love instantly and have spent every weekend and some weekdays together since then. We had sex more than once and it was always enjoyable but I did notice he was not very assertive...in fact, the guy (who is 29 years old) did NOTHING more to me than vaginal intercourse. No touching, oral, foreplay, nada! Also, I started noticing MY BV symptoms which created an odor during sex that was embarrassing but not overwhelming but still made me wonder if he noticed. So one night when we began intercourse, he suddenly went limp and I instantly assumed it was me. We talked about it and I mentioned my issues (for the first time) and how it made me feel so he wouldn't feel so embarrassed about not being able to perform. I tried to give him oral, which I've always enjoyed and he stopped me claiming he "wasn't into that" because he had it engraved in his mind that it was "degrading to women." This not only shocked me but kind of upset me...I enjoy doing it so why can't he? How can I please him if sex isn't working? Since then, sex has been pretty close to non existent. Since it's only been a month of dating I got really concerned about this and told him that. As a 24 year old female no longer on medication, my libido is strong but not crazy. We would hang out for 5 days and maybe have sex once. It got to the point where I had to tell him that I care deeply for him, but that my needs are not being met and that concerns me this early on in a relationship. I know he has had girlfriends before and slept with women (including me!) so I know he isn't fully impotent. However, he does smoke marijuana on a daily basis and this could play a role although I have NEVER met a man who had trouble because of that.

So after countless efforts to be "sexy" and clean "down there" with no advances or responses to my advances, I told him it had to change. I said if he can't sleep with me more we need to reevaluate our relationship and maybe take a step back. Since I connect with him so much spiritually I'm not about to tell him off...rather I am willing to work on any solution...but he HAS TO TRY...Since then he has not and I told him I wasn't comfortable being solely exclusive with someone who couldn't be intimate with me...This was yesterday. He then told me he didn't become sexually active till he was 20 and knew very little about sex and sexual health because he was home-schooled and never took a sex ed class. However, he has slept with 5 women and had sexual relationships with all of them. He also told me he didn't have this problem with any of them...

I need advice! I have the capacity to love the man but I have a strong sex drive and don't know how I can be with someone who doesn't either...

THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Congratulations! That is quite a big accomplishment.

I am sorry if this sounds trite and you have already used all the usual home remedies to no avail, but do you eat/drink 3-5 servings of yogurt/kefir a day, every day? There are also vaginal suppositories with the live beneficial cultures available from Whole Foods. At least, they would not hurt if you try them. Finally, there is some research on foods called PREbiotics - not PRObiotics such as kefir/yogurt, but PREbiotics/ I am not in the know because I have not had the problem, but you should at least try them because they won't hurt and might help.

He did not even kiss you? He seems to be out of his mind. If he thinks that YOUR giving him oral sex on YOUR initiative is wrong because it is ingrained in his mind that fellatio is degrading to women (????????), he should realize that it is much MORE degrading to not even be touched and kissed. Does he try to give you manual orgasms?

My late grandmother, who was in general quite prudish and not into sex-related jokes at all, did have one such joke in her repertoire. It is an innocent joke and my grandmother accompanied the rendition of the joke with an adorable bashful smile.

- Cows on a dairy farm are being impregnated artificially
- See What Is Artificial Insemination in Cattle? | eHow.com for details
- After the veterinarian has done his job making rounds and inseminating all the cows, one cow says: "Now... how about a kiss?"

I understand that your bf is not trying to impregnate you, but you should still tell him the joke. I do not know if being treated like a cow is degrading, but I am sure that it is unpleasant.

I do not see how that would be possible. In my experience, people your age who date without cohabitation have sex every time they hang out, or at least for the majority of the time, unless there are circumstances that prevent it - say, you go see movies in the company of other friends and do not have time for each other in private. I cannot see how a 24-year old woman and a 29-year old man would have sex only 20% of the time they see one another. It seems totally abnormal to me.

I also did not become sexually active till about 19-20 and it is fairly within the normal range. I also knew close to nothing about sex before becoming sexually active. How is it relevant??? He is 29 year old now. A 29 year old man who does not touch or kiss his girlfriend cites a late sexual debut as an excuse? Again - out of his mind. Also, I never took a sex ed class because there was no sex ed in my country of origin at that time, and the majority of the population of the whole world have not taken sex ed classes and still manage fine for the most part. Sex ed might be a very good thing, but I do not see how it would be a necessary condition for being nice and warm towards a girlfriend. Did Romeo take a sex ed class before approaching Juliet?

Yes, I have tried everything natural. Right now I'm using Femdopholis, folic acid, hydogen peroxide douche, avoiding sugars, alcohol, etc...nothing helps...many women struggle for years since there is no known "cure" or "cause" determined by doctors. All they do is pump you full of antibiotics and I refuse to take more!

In his defense, yes he kissed me but we haven't had a good makeout session since we started dating...only 5 weeks ago He definitely has intimacy issues since his last ex cheated on him.

I totally agree!! I have NEVER before been with a man who didn't want me everytime we hung out...The problem isn't determining if its abnormal because it certainly is...the problem is finding a way to fix it if he is really not that into sex. I happen to love sex, and when I'm around him and he doesn't provide ANYTHING I get really depressed. He assures me its not me, that he is super attracted to me, etc. When we got into our convo/argument about it he basically said he has NO FEELING DOWN THERE

Again, totally agree. I keep having to beg him to stop with the excuses. Its one excuse after another...first he says he felt pressured (the night he couldnt perform) because I put on music and turned off the lights, then I stopped that and let him make the move, and he still wouldnt! Then it was that he was tired, then its that he smoked too much weed, then he said something super strange to me....that ever since a year ago when his best friend died he doesn't feel the same (....can things like that really manifest as sexual issues..??)

I told him a) stop smoking so much weed b) start working out to boost testosterone c) eat better (he already is pretty healthy here just has a sweet tooth)

I just dont know

I had a boyfriend... he has since died of suicide - was mentally ill and doctors failed to save him... pumped him with AP's to the point of his ballooning to an impossibly round shape (this is as told by mutual friends, as I moved continents and was not in touch with him for the last several years of his life) whereas his natural shape was super super super bony and thin - just no fat cell on his body.

At any rate, he could not perform with music playing either, and I would have loved to have music on but he could not perform.

HOWEVER, he had an excuse which I found valid - he was a student of composition, wrote music, etc., and he could not concentrate on sex because having music on turned him off by switching on his music listening mode. He could not do both at the same time. It was either or for him. He did love playing the piano or listening to LP's after sex, though.

But that was it - other than that, he was enthusiastic about having sex every time we saw one another, and sometimes more than once. The music thing was the solo turnoff for him.

In the case of your bf, it seemed that he does not have the attention span problem my bf had in that he was unable to pay attention to music and sex at the same time. It seems that music, combined with lights off, was suggestive of your intentions to be sexual with him, and he was unable to perform under the pressure of your expectations. Right?

I am not familiar with the disease and its treatment and prevention, but for healthy women, the only thing on the US market, to the best of my knowledge, that has the right PH is this:

Buy SweetSpot Labs Gentle Feminine Wash, Unscented & More | drugstore.com

So he is being selective in how he obtains and treats sexual health information.

He claims having been shortchanged by homeschooling - he did not get sex ed classes while his public school peers did. That, apparently, somehow disadvantaged him for life...

OK.

Where did he get the thing about the women being degraded by fellatios then? Through being home schooled?

So he has somehow managed to obtain one-sided and biased view on sex and is now using this view in an effort to undermine you: he did not even appreciate your taking the initiative.

That is what it seems to be, on the surface.

All of it is not good for you, in many ways. You fought hard for your current state of wellness, and you should not be undermined. That he is neither actively pursuing you nor even responding to your advances undermines you. This is not good. In addition, the bacterial problem makes life especially difficult for you, so you really do not need MORE difficulties related to sex - you already have MORE than an average woman has and do not need yet more and more.

The only thing that is unclear to me is how he identifies the problem. He said that with the former 5 women he did not have the problem. So he sees that there is a problem, but I am not clear how he identifies is - what is the problem, in his mind? I definitely side with you on your impressions and views, but I am unclear on what he sees as "the problem".

It also seems to me that you are making a concession to him by being exclusive. It is one thing to be madly in love with a guy and want to be sexually exclusive with him just because you simply do not want to be with any other guy. That is OK, because it is not a concession. In your case, you sort of make a concession to him and resent having to make that concession, so I wonder if you could both step back and continue some contact without restricting yourselves with regards to other opportunities. I think that you would resent him less if you were not making the concession.

Well, the only thing that you can offer to him as a solution given the (1) and (2) above is the following:

He should act on his being super attracted to you by using his brain, lips, hands, the sound of his voice, etc. etc. - the things that are not DOWN THERE. It seems that his problem is solely DOWN THERE, so if he starts using his organs that are located UP THERE instead, maybe that will help solve the problem.

The bad thing is that this whole situation makes you feel really depressed and works against your victory depression and anxiety.

Yes you do have to consider that the marijuana is causing a lack of libido, and also depression, mood swings and so on.

You have a right to demand some sort of foreplay from him. Otherwise to me it sounds like he's just using you.

I never penetrate my partner without some form of touching beforehand.

I have heard that pot has a negative influence on sex, but have no experience first hand.

Honestly, I'm wondering if he's depressed? His friend dying could have had a huge impact on his own mental health, and he's just not there yet. I also wouldnt be surprised if he had some self esteem issues in the bedroom...

I am also interested in what Hamster said; how does he see the problem? What is his take on this whole thing?

He's 29... What does he do for a living? When my husband was extremely stressed about work, his sex drive was non-existent. Is he using pot to self medicate anxiety or stress related issues?

Just an aside ~ regarding your personal health issue: have you been tested for HPV? It is rampant, & presents like what you are describing....

Lonley, I can relate to your man. Not that it is right, just I can relate. The not being into oral thing sticks out. He feels it is degrading to women. To me that shows respect. Who wants to make a woman put his d*** in her mouth.

As a person who has been abused at a point in my life, a lot of these things your BF is saying and not wanting to do sounds like someone who has been abused at some point in there life.

Did you ask him why he was home schooled. Sexual abuse or misconduct is often a reason to take a child out of public school. Deep religious roots are also a reason to home school. That sometimes is a reason for deep sexual aversion. Miss guidance that it is bad or dirty. If that was ingrained in your head since birth, then it can lead to problem down the road. It might be worth asking why he was home schooled.

I suppose the lack of knowledge could be part of the issue. I'd never suggest pron ordinarily, but have you thought about talking about that and giving it a try. I had only been w/ one person before my H and the same for him. No one ever told me what my role was in the bed room. I thought it was to provide the hole to stick something in and that was all. Only after watching pron w/ my H (Soft core, female friendly) I realized that there was more to it then that. It is ok to touch yourself as a female when w/ a man in bed. Wow what a revelation.

I do the same thing your bf does. I freak when it is up to me to initiate things. Light down low and music, waiting for me to make the first move. That would freak me out and send me into panic mode. Making excuses, that is what I do. It is a less hurtful way of saying I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. It is a beat around the bush way of saying it w/ out actually saying it.

To me 5 weeks of knowing someone is not a very ling time before sleeping w/ them. I understand you feel a strong connection to him and he does to you as well. I don't know if you have the "This is the one to marry" feeling or not. But if that is what it is, then my suggestion would be to seek counseling and find out what the misconception is, find out what is affecting him this way. Show him your support by going w/ him. If he would like.

Is he taking any medications. You know what it felt like when you were on meds. It sounds like you had experience w/ that. (Good for you, no longer being on them) Could that be part of his issue as well.

I have been married to my H for 18 years, and this is an issue for us. I fear things will come down to an ultimatum. Be more affectionate or it is over. We have had that conversation when my H is angry. When he is not mad he is sorry for suggesting that. I hope you guys can figure things out soon.

From the sounds of it, all you're doing is pressuring him and putting him on the spot which is making him retract even more, in more ways than one; I say this from experience. If he's anything like me, and if you're anything like an ex of mine, your approach will make things worse. Focus on the relationship more than sex and work on getting closer to him, emotionally, and romantically, if he doesn't reciprocate, then something went wrong at some point, and I'd say it's probably time to move on.

You being upset that he (assuming he's telling the truth) isn't into that thing, is unrealistic; it's a symbol of respect, and means FAR more.

I also agree with what most of Big Mama said, if not everything.

{ Kein Teufel }
Translation: Not a devil
[ `id -u` -eq 0 ] || exit 1

My post is probably not going to help, but I just wanted to comment here. There seems to be somewhat of a double standard going on here. It just seems like it were a male stating his GF wasn't giving him enough sex, people would be quick to roll their eyes.

Honestly, if sex once every 5 days was insufficient accord to a girl, I'd feel a lot like the guy OP describes. I'd be turned off, feel pressured, used, etc. Especially if she started bringing up how I was inadequate all of the time. I just couldn't be with a girl who fiends for it as much a guys are often stereotyped to, nor do I have any interest in porn-like sex. Something to consider as a reality, not all guys are exactly the same when it comes to sex no matter how many times the media tries to drill that in. There's not just a switch you can find to just flip and make someone into your ideal sexual partner.

Sorry if I sound a bit bitter or unhelpful here, but this is a really big source of anxiety for me in terms of relationships. Of all of the women out there who complain about men and unrealistic expectations, well what about us guys who feel the same way about some women?

Many years ago, before 1) Viagra, 2) widespread internet connectivity, 3) my personal deep familiarity with mental health, 4) the invention of the politically correct term ED=erectile dysfunction...

I had a lover in NYC. I first lived in TX and then in CA so it was mostly LD.

He had no feeling down there either. None at all.

He had a huge library and I remember spotting a book about Prozac (there are too many of them and I cannot recall which one he had on his shelf, Amazon.com: Books about Prozac and other Antidepressants). So in hindsight, now that I have been through what I have been through, having taken a number of psychiatric drugs with their sexual side effects, I surmise that he must have been depressed and on AD's. But back then we did not talk about mental health. He just told me that during the most important love relationships of his life (he was in his 50s) he was impotent (that was the politically incorrect word used back then).

OK.

His penis had absolutely no life to it at all and I avoided looking at it because it was... uninspiring.

But everything else worked. The DOWN THERE did not work but the UP THERE did work. He met the definition of a guy who is smitten with a lady - wanted to marry me (I did not take him seriously and regret it in hindsight); daily oral (and, quite passionate and not mechanical) and manual sex; was in fact quite proud of his ability to give me multiple manual orgasms; took countless pictures of me (he was a lawyer with a photography hobby and was quite good) - not naked, no, but still, he was behaving in a normal fashion. Because there was no Skype, we mostly talked on the phone, and he enjoyed listening to the sounds of my masturbation orgasms (no sex talk, just the sound of orgasms) and reacted in a very passionate manner, over the phone, and I liked his reactions on the phone line.

So it seems to me that with that guy in NYC, he had a BUG - the non-working penis. But he did not have a DESIGH FLAW - his brain was working fine.

In the case of your bf, it seems that he has a DESIGN FLAW. That is a much deeper problem.

I imagine that the BUG of my former lover (currently, just a friend over phone/email) is now fixable by VIAGRA (I am not in the kind of relationship with him now to express any interest in that matter, so I am purely conjecturing). DESIGN FLAWS cannot be fixed so easily.

So, I am really sorry, since your bf does seem to be a good match for you in the non-sexual realm!!

I think that Lonely_Heart and I were not talking about porn-like sex or anything related to the media coverage of sex. We were talking about the normal sex lives of young people who date without cohabitation. In such scenarios, normally, each time people hang out, they have sex, without exceptions, unless they hang out in the company of other people. This has always been my experience and I neither watch porn nor watch TV so my level of exposure to media is at zero.

I have always had huge issues with yeast and have tried everything mentioned here...I now douche with this:

NutriBiotic, GSE Liquid Concentrate, Grapefruit Seed Extract, 2 fl oz (59 ml) - iHerb.com

70 drops in 8 oz. of water. I think it has antifungal properties and it keeps my ph where I need it.

Also my gyno said if you have real issues with yeast, all the yogurt in the world won't help...your stomach digestion, maybe, but where you need help is far below that. Too much stomach acid gets to it. I stopped taking my acidophilus for the same reason.

You are right, no more antibiotics, I avoid them like the plague. But you can eat sugar...it's only diabetics who can have yeast issues because of sugar (checked with 2 gynos on that one.)

Also, I am not having sex right now, which makes things a WHOLE lot easier down there. However, my yeast issue has been different with different people I have been with...nonexistent to could not make it go away!