Friend's reaction to my rape

hamster-bamster · May 31, 2013 at 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mike1127

Okay hamster, but you haven't said anything that makes it okay to tell a rape victim that you want to masturbate to her photo. I predict that for 98% of rape victims it's going to trigger her, and anyway any guy who does that, just from the possibility it would trigger her, is either massively insensitive or cruel or both. We'd have to take a survey.

The guy said it once, was told not to say it again, and did not follow instructions. So, that is bad. But it is not specific to sexuality - it is a general issue of insensitivity. I do not see anything wrong in saying what he said to OP once, because OP should be able to distinguish criminal from non-criminal intent and abuse of physical force from private masturbation in her absence, but since she was triggered, for whatever reason, and communicated her dislike of the comment, the guy should not have repeated it.

None of it is sexuality-specific - it is just general lack of good manners, and people who lack good manners should generally be avoided if at all possible.

hope2013 · Jun 20, 2013 at 04:24 PM

Hi! It's me again. I told him, but he has done it again. I'm now trying to distance myself from him.

He made similar comments in the past, but it didn't trigger me back then, it all began after the rape. When I told him about the rape, I explained to him that I was triggered by anything related to sex, so yes, he's being extremely insensitive.

I've been so lonely lately, I'm isolating myself from my family and friends, but somehow loneliness gives me a huge sense of security.

hamster-bamster · Jun 20, 2013 at 04:57 PM

Would joining a group of rape survivors help with isolation?

adam_k · Jun 20, 2013 at 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hope2013

Hi! It's me again. I told him, but he has done it again. I'm now trying to distance myself from him.

He made similar comments in the past, but it didn't trigger me back then, it all began after the rape. When I told him about the rape, I explained to him that I was triggered by anything related to sex, so yes, he's being extremely insensitive.

I've been so lonely lately, I'm isolating myself from my family and friends, but somehow loneliness gives me a huge sense of security.

I'm sorry for what you had to endure. No one had the right to put this kind of burden on you, expecialy for thier own pleasure. I hope in time you can heal from these wounds and develop some trusting relationship and have a sense of personal security. I can imagine the heartache you must feel by not feel safe. I can offer no words to take back what happened, but I can say you never deserved something so cruel and I hope it doesnt haunt you forever. Take care of yourself.

hope2013 · Jun 21, 2013 at 10:16 AM

After the rape I was terrified at the idea of being rejected by guy based on what had happened. I ended up in an online relationship with someone I had never met in person.

He said I shouldn't tell anyone about the rape, which increased my insecurities. He was very clingy and didn't let me lead a normal lifestyle (he expected us to be chatting for 6-7 hours a day). It was after I ended things with him that I realised I have the power to heal myself. When I ended things with him he said I deserved to be raped.

I have become very selfish since then, I hope my family and friends can forgive me in the future.

I am from the countryside, so there are no rape survivors groups in my area. The good news is that I resumed my college studies last month. So hopefully that's a step forward.

TippPatt · Jun 21, 2013 at 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mike1127

Telling a recovering rape victim that men would like to masturbate to her pic is a terrible thing to say. Rape is a trauma of intrusive sexual attention, of the most intrusive and shame-inducing kind possible. Telling a woman that people would like to masturbate to her pic is usually intrusive sexual attention. It's the same f****** thing and I don't know how hard it is to see that. It's going to trigger all the fear and shame and disgust of the original event.

Mike AND Hope:

I don't think the guy reveres virginity at all. He seems to see sex as only sex and has no intimate feelings about the topic - he's way too open with the comments as if that's normal behavior. It's not really, it's bold, forward, and happens far too often in today's society. That's sad really.

I think you'll probably find, Hope, that he wasn't raised very well. To that end, I'd find myself a friend that was both raised well and understood just how off color those kind of remarks to ANY woman would be.

Hope: you might want to read up on PTSD, you seem to have a touch of it - and no doubt you would, based on what you went through. Check it out.

adam_k · Jun 21, 2013 at 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hope2013

After the rape I was terrified at the idea of being rejected by guy based on what had happened. I ended up in an online relationship with someone I had never met in person.

He said I shouldn't tell anyone about the rape, which increased my insecurities. He was very clingy and didn't let me lead a normal lifestyle (he expected us to be chatting for 6-7 hours a day). It was after I ended things with him that I realised I have the power to heal myself. When I ended things with him he said I deserved to be raped.

I have become very selfish since then, I hope my family and friends can forgive me in the future.

I am from the countryside, so there are no rape survivors groups in my area. The good news is that I resumed my college studies last month. So hopefully that's a step forward.

That was a terrible thing to say to you and his expectation were unreasonable. A lot of married people don't spend 7-8 hours a day talking to each other. It is probable best you ended things with him. I imagine it was causing you more grief than comfort.

It is very good that you are getting into your college studies again. Hopefully it is a sign you are recovering and moving forward with your life.

My wife was repeated raped by an abusive ex boyfriend. She was fighting with her parents and had no where to go. He wouldn't let her get a job and had a lot of control over her.

I don't think any less of her for what happened. I don't blame her for it. I think she has a lot of strength that she could go through that, and not be really messed up. She eventually got away from him, went back to college and got a degree.

She has dealt with it well. I know I wouldn't have the strength to keep going if I went through it.

If you ever want someone to talks to feel free to pm me.

healingme4me · Jun 21, 2013 at 02:22 PM

I am sorry you've been through the trauma of a rape

There's much works that comes with going from victim to survivor.

Is this 'friend' someone that you work with? You mentioned, in an earlier post that you don't have many female friends and that you mostly work, around men.

Tossing around, sexual innuendo, either as friends or in work, just doesn't seem like something anyone really needs to be around, as often as this friend sounds like.

I get that, in therapy, trying to recover involves opening oneself up to others and being vulnerable. There's a trust factor in the equation.

Maybe, after the reality of surviving an assault, your perspective on innuendo discussions changed?

Your post, sounds like you are young. It's tough enough being young and navigating the maturing process and figuring things out in the sexuality department, without being surrounded by others who have a more naïve and immature perspective on the reality of how rape affects those who have been assaulted.

What does you therapist, say, about this type of friend in your life?

Quote:

Originally Posted by hope2013

In the past, when he would say those things, I didn't attach any importance to it... I became really sensitive after the rape.

I know that he was trying to compliment me, he doesn't understand my reaction even though I have tried explaining it to him.

healingme4me · Jun 21, 2013 at 02:31 PM

I'm sure your family and friends will understand your withdrawing, to sort things out in your head. This online friend sounds very controlling, and I am glad to hear that you are stepping back from him.

You didn't deserve what happened!! I am sure that intellectually, you may understand that, but what your friend said, was an abusive comment, because words hurt, sting and they can replay themselves over and over again.

Was he the type of friend that asked for all the little details?! The ones that you were never obligated to share?!

What happened to you in the assault was about Power and Control, and if you ever need someone to chat with, feel free to PM me

Quote:

Originally Posted by hope2013

After the rape I was terrified at the idea of being rejected by guy based on what had happened. I ended up in an online relationship with someone I had never met in person.

He said I shouldn't tell anyone about the rape, which increased my insecurities. He was very clingy and didn't let me lead a normal lifestyle (he expected us to be chatting for 6-7 hours a day). It was after I ended things with him that I realised I have the power to heal myself. When I ended things with him he said I deserved to be raped.

I have become very selfish since then, I hope my family and friends can forgive me in the future.

I am from the countryside, so there are no rape survivors groups in my area. The good news is that I resumed my college studies last month. So hopefully that's a step forward.

hamster-bamster · Jun 21, 2013 at 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hope2013

He was very clingy and didn't let me lead a normal lifestyle (he expected us to be chatting for 6-7 hours a day).

When I ended things with him he said I deserved to be raped.

I have become very selfish since then, I hope my family and friends can forgive me in the future.

I am from the countryside, so there are no rape survivors groups in my area. The good news is that I resumed my college studies last month. So hopefully that's a step forward.

I don't think you are being selfish - a woman who finally realizes that she does not have an obligation to chat with somebody for 6-7 hours a day is not "selfish" but rather "finally getting the hang of what it means to be OK".

Please pay attention to the signals people send you. The expectation of your chatting with the guy for 6-7 hours a day was highly abnormal, and you could have stopped it right there and then, without proceeding to learn that you "deserved" being raped.

Yes, college would be a huge step forward.

Harley47 · Jun 21, 2013 at 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hope2013

After the rape I was terrified at the idea of being rejected by guy based on what had happened. I ended up in an online relationship with someone I had never met in person.

He said I shouldn't tell anyone about the rape, which increased my insecurities. He was very clingy and didn't let me lead a normal lifestyle (he expected us to be chatting for 6-7 hours a day). It was after I ended things with him that I realised I have the power to heal myself. When I ended things with him he said I deserved to be raped.

I have become very selfish since then, I hope my family and friends can forgive me in the future.

I am from the countryside, so there are no rape survivors groups in my area. The good news is that I resumed my college studies last month. So hopefully that's a step forward.

What a nasty, horrific thing to say. I hope karma to him is swift and harsh.

Furthermore, please don't feel bad about your behavior Hope...bless your heart, you've endured one of the worst and most traumatic things a person can endure. Your family, not you, would be callous to not understand you not being "you" right now.

Please know you're in my prayers Hope. I hope things improve for you soon.

Many hugs,
Harley

hope2013 · Jun 28, 2013 at 07:16 PM

Hi everybody, and thanks for your replies

I'm back after a few days without internet connection.

College is going fine and I regret not having resumed my studies earlier.

The friend I mentioned is my former classmate's crush (I don't see him on a daily basis). Unfortunately, I can't get counselling in my area (I live in the countryside), so I've turned to online groups.

I've come to realize that many people are insensitive to the suffering of rape victims. It's very difficult to deal with this. I got comments such as "you have to get over it and go on with your life", "men can be violent when sexually aroused, so the rapist can't control himself", "you shouldn't keep thinking about the past", "are you sure you didn't want it?"...

I'm sure I suffer from PTSD. I have a large number of phobias which I developed just after the rape: a phobia of sleeping in certain beds, of sex scenes on TV, of sex jokes, of most social situations...

Thanks for your support. I'm sure I'll be able to handle this situation and become my better self.

MusicMike · 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hope2013

Hi everybody, and thanks for your replies

I'm back after a few days without internet connection.

College is going fine and I regret not having resumed my studies earlier.

The friend I mentioned is my former classmate's crush (I don't see him on a daily basis). Unfortunately, I can't get counselling in my area (I live in the countryside), so I've turned to online groups.

I've come to realize that many people are insensitive to the suffering of rape victims. It's very difficult to deal with this. I got comments such as "you have to get over it and go on with your life", "men can be violent when sexually aroused, so the rapist can't control himself", "you shouldn't keep thinking about the past", "are you sure you didn't want it?"...

I'm sure I suffer from PTSD. I have a large number of phobias which I developed just after the rape: a phobia of sleeping in certain beds, of sex scenes on TV, of sex jokes, of most social situations...

Thanks for your support. I'm sure I'll be able to handle this situation and become my better self.

You have my compassion. I'm glad you can see the insensitivity in those comments.

EDIT: I should clarify that it's not just that insensitive comments can be "seen" intellectually, but that they really hurt emotionally. What you seem to be able to do is understand that that additional hurt is not your fault, and you won't be following their advice to "get over it." Not the way they mean. Also, I will point out that even on this forum you will find insensitive comments, so I hope you can find some sensitive people online.

growlithing · Jun 28, 2013 at 08:45 PM

From my experience of telling people about any trauma I've endured (not SA thankfully), I've encountered two kinds of people: ones that understand and ones that don't. Maybe they don't understand what I'm feeling, but they respect the gravity of the situation and clearly attempt to respond with care. People who don't understand, won't understand and there is no use even bothering with a second chance. They won't just magically get it.

To be honest, this guy sounds like he was more interested in trying to hook up with you than getting to know you or supporting you through your journey. He's not someone you need to be friends with and honestly sounds like bad news to anyone really.

Also, I consider losing your virginity as something voluntary by definition. I certainly wouldn't call what happened to you "losing your virginity". I'm sorry it happened to you and I'm sorry he was such a jerk.

[EDIT] any online group that gives you that "advice" is a waste of time. It's damaging to hear and you should not participate in groups like that

hamster-bamster · Jun 29, 2013 at 12:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hope2013

I've come to realize that many people are insensitive to the suffering of rape victims. It's very difficult to deal with this. I got comments such as

1) "you have to get over it and go on with your life",

2) "men can be violent when sexually aroused, so the rapist can't control himself",

3) "you shouldn't keep thinking about the past",

4) "are you sure you didn't want it?"...

Only (2) and (4) show insensitivity to the suffering of rape victims specifically.

(1) and (3) are outrageously insensitive and ridiculously patronizing comments that people receive after they:

- lose their loved one
- get raped
- become disabled to the point of losing the job that used to be the passion of their lives
- get a divorce against their wishes
- and a whole laundry list of others.

Harley47 · Jun 29, 2013 at 08:04 PM

Your strength and courage is admirable Hope.

I think your outlook on this is very positive on the whole, and I think, in time, you'll be able to move past this as best one is able to. You have my respect.

And please, do not let insensitive remarks like the ones you mentioned get you down. They are grossly insensitive comments made by people who cannot understand the severity of the situation you went through, and even if meaning well, they are said in a degree of ignorance. Don't let them get you down Hope.

Hugs,
Harley

hope2013 · Jul 01, 2013 at 02:50 PM

Yes, I will ignore all the insensitive people who hinder my healing

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hamster-bamster Account Suspended Member Since Sep 2011 Location: Northern California Posts: 14,805 (SuperPoster!) 13 3,729 hugs given	Jun 20, 2013 at 04:57 PM #23 Would joining a group of rape survivors help with isolation?
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hope2013 Member Member Since Jan 2013 Posts: 23 11 4 hugs given	Jul 01, 2013 at 02:50 PM #37 Yes, I will ignore all the insensitive people who hinder my healing
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