I'm afraid of my girlfriend's sexual fantasies

Hi, recently my girlfriend told me about her sexual fantasies and things that she may like to do one day during sex. We are lesbians, so i find it strange when she told me that, when she masturbates she fantasies of headless men doing sex to her hardly, because it helps her to reach orgasm faster. The other thing is that she would like trying some sort of bdsm tactics and stuff, but she doesn't know if she will like it. She is also attracted by bdsm written stories. How am I supposed to feel about all that? I believe that sexual fantasies show to us what we really like deep inside and who we really are, so, am I right about this belief or not? I don't know.

I think it's different for everyone, what they believe, who they really are etc.
I don't think it necessarily has any deep meaning to who she really is as such, but maybe that she's more just curious about things she's not tried.
If you're not comfortable to try these things then don't. My husband had a certain fantasy that I didn't want to do, ever, and because he thought he wanted to make it reality it caused a lot of hurt and arguments. Confused between wanting to make him happy and not wanting to do it, in the end I just said it was never going to happen and if that was going to be an issue then he needed to find someone else who was happy with that.
Don't do it if you don't want to.

I wouldn't settle for less than someone who could fulfill my needs sexually and neither should she. She's looking for someone who is open-minded and willing to explore her sexuality with her; not everyone can fit the bill to please someone kink-oriented. It could be a phase, but this means that she can go through multiple phases of different kinks. If you're not up for that, you should get out of the relationship.

Headless Horseman - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia perhaps?

Thank you all for the replies. I'll try to compromise with that and see how it will go.

I wonder what effect watching Sleepy Hollow has on her.

The headless thing just sounds anonymous to me. In that an actual headless body can't have sex, I think a bag over the head would be the closest simulation.

And I don't think she is a lesbian if she wants sex with men. I think the term is bisexual.

Some people have fantasies that they absolutely would never want to try in real life. It is just the idea they like.

Before we forget, welcome to Psych Central!

So an update from my T session today - when children draw pictures in which the head is separated from the body, it hints at possible brain damage.

That, or, and probably more likely,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hea...orseman_(novel)

I believe the most probable impact on her had the videos about sexual perversions that her dad show to her when she was a teenager.. I think this is were all that came from. And I disagree with her that this was a right think to do a dad to his daughter in order to educate about sex.

very true - it was not the right thing to do for a dad to his daughter.

Rouau,

Since you have been able to pinpoint the likely source of the unusual fantasizing I think you should stop being afraid of it. It is easier to deal with a known issue than with something mysterious.

Yes, I feel that I should be more calm because I know about the source of it. I just feel worry about what if some day she realise that I am not enough to her. She confuses me because she told me things that are contrasted. For example that she would like a woman who would make her feel somehow dominated, but on the other hand in reality i feel that she has so strong personality that I could never make her feel dominated - even if I wanted to. Or, when she insist that she is totally lesbian, but on the other hand she likes the idea of a man that takes care of her and make her to respect him.

I can understand what you're saying ~ how you're feeling.

There are good signs though: she's open enough to share these ideas with you, rather than holding them inside. You could try tying her hands together, above her head, & covering her eyes with a bandana or eye shades to slowly and gently surprise and dominate her. That doesn't take a lot of strength, just willingness from you and her.

It also sounds like part of the problem stems from personal insecurities that you hold against yourself. Working on those separately would help you be a lot happier and more confident. Maybe that entails seeing a T (therapist) to help you; or taking a fitness class (like pilates) to strengthen yourself and become more limber, relieve stress; get into some enjoyable activity outside of the relationship (for you). Like art, dance, hiking, photography, writing, music, etc.. Something enjoyable that you can say, "Yeah, I did that. It feels good to me!"

Lastly, to Psych Central. I hope that it's a positive and helpful experience to you.

Hi Rouau,

It is possible that in the end you two may not be sexually compatible, and it's ok to feel scared about that, and it's ok to be scared of her fantasies because those kinds of thoughts just aren't part of your personal reality.

I might suggest that instead of shying away from the things she's expressed a desire to experience for fear of them being "gateway drugs" to more extreme practices, you could try and indulge her in her BDSM fantasies just a little. She might be feeling rejected by you right now because you're recoiling from the idea, and if you take a little initiative (especially since she wants you to take the leading role) and learn some things on your own, that could really help. There are books you could buy; the two I see get thrown around a lot are Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns and Different Loving. Here's the wikipedia page on the subject: BDSM - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It might also help to find resources that are lesbian-specific, as the vast majority of BDSM writing and culture is pretty heterocentric and ciscentric; the only real place I can recommend you go for that is Fetlife, which is a social networking site, but requires registration to look at. I'm not lesbian and not active in BDSM culture, so I wouldn't know where else to point you toward. :\

About her dominance: lots of subs, bottoms and other s-types have dominant personalities or take on dominant roles in their public life. Sometimes they want a break from those stressful personas at home or in bed, sometimes they want them integrated by way of more "competitive" play, in which they secretly desire to "lose" or have their conceptions of themselves and you pushed and expanded upon. The best way to figure out how she wants to be topped or dominated is to ask her.

As for your anxiety about your girlfriend's fantasies about men, it could be just that-- a fantasy. Lots of people fantasize about things they would never, ever want in real life, like violent rape, or even death. If she insists that she's still a lesbian--and that she wants no one but you as a partner--you're going to have to trust her.

Yes, Shezbut, she told me about bondage and I'll give it a try. it is harmless. And you are right, I wish I were more self-confident sometimes, I keep trying to fix that, thank you And Robutts thank you, yes I already became a member at a bdsm site and even if I still hate what I see in there I understood that there are harmless tactics that can give the idea of being dominated. And didn't occured to me the thing y said about her dominance, it makes sense now.