I WANT to like sex, but...

MusicMike · May 31, 2013 at 03:35 AM

I've been in long-term therapy, healing from a pretty horrific childhood.

I have a normal sex drive in the sense that I think about women, feel sexually attracted to them, and masturbate.

However, what I rarely do is start a relationship with a woman and have actual sex with her. And the very few times I've done that, I hated the sex. I've been an adult for about 26 years now. I had two long-term relationships but were largely sexless, and highly dysfunctional to boot. Then I went 13 years with no relationship, and more recently had a very brief (two-month) relationship that didn't work out (and I didn't enjoy the attempts at sex).

I'm not posting this as a rant or a crisis situation. I feel very blessed, because I've been able to bring so much into my life, including a sense of self-sufficiency. I'm just starting to look at this pattern and wondering how I can get from here to liking real sex.

LadyShadow · May 31, 2013 at 03:42 AM

You know what, I am very blessed too. And I don't desire sex. I am the same way I think about men and masturbate but I have no desire for actual sex.

I was just in a sexless relationship and he broke up with me because there was no passion and no spark. That is understandable, but at this point in my life I think having a good friend is more important than a relationship so that's where I'm at right now.

I think its just not for some people. Yeah you may be missing out on something, people tell me that ALL the time, how I'm missing out on the "greatest thing". Well you know what, I'm pretty content in my life and I am very lucky with the love from my parents and my sister. Sex isn't the be all end all in my opinion, its just whatever makes you happy

Good thread and subject

hamster-bamster · May 31, 2013 at 12:42 PM

Since long-term therapy has had no effect, you can try invoking the law of large numbers to see what happens. Not that there are any guarantees, but you can try.

robutts · May 31, 2013 at 01:27 PM

You could be on the asexual spectrum, mike1127.

Not saying it's the case for you, but I mistook sexual attraction for a lot of other things since puberty, and once I realized that I probably didn't experience sexual attraction (I've never had the desire to pursue sexual or romantic relationships, never felt comfortable being the recipient of sexual advances, and my fantasies never seemed to have the same "feel" to them as I've heard others do, and so on), I realized I was much better equipped to navigate the relationship I -did- find myself in* and communicate the kind of intimacy that I really wanted, not the kind that I thought I wanted, you know?

*I'm married, but we've been long-distance for 4 years, so the "courting" phase happened at a pace much better suited to me and without the pressure of physical intimacy dominating our early relationship. Now that our honeymoon phase is over, I actually feel much happier with my marriage overall because that "passionate spark" or whatever was never something I could really grasp!

MusicMike · May 31, 2013 at 02:07 PM

I think it's more likely I have an emotional block to intimacy with another person. Because I think I'm sexual. But it's pretty clear I don't want it badly enough to make even a half-hearted attempt to find a relationship.

hamster-bamster · May 31, 2013 at 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mike1127

I think it's more likely I have an emotional block to intimacy with another person. Because I think I'm sexual. But it's pretty clear I don't want it badly enough to make even a half-hearted attempt to find a relationship.

Well, you cannot deny the fact that you have found this resource and have spent time composing the OP.

So the keyword is half-hearted - you are half interested half not.

MusicMike · May 31, 2013 at 03:34 PM

Good point, hamster.

hamster-bamster · May 31, 2013 at 09:46 PM

I am a little puzzled now. You wrote a lot on the thread about the rape survivor, so it seems that you have spent some time thinking about sex-related issues, and yet?

But again, this is probably just another side of the half-and-half state you are currently in.

hamster-bamster · Jun 01, 2013 at 02:12 AM

To the extent that your thread title is "I want to like sex, but..." - I have been advised that I should have same sex relationships or else my life would be incomplete (advised by someone whom I respect a great deal and who has made the most decisive positive impact on the course of my life - so not some frivolous advice), but I cannot make myself be attracted to women sexually. I appreciate the esthetic beauty of some women - much more than that of men, much more - but I just do not want to touch AT ALL.

To the extent that it has any similarity, apparently, you cannot will attractions, attachments, and the like...

FWIW

Jun 01, 2013 at 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PlatinumHeart

You know what, I am very blessed too. And I don't desire sex. I am the same way I think about men and masturbate but I have no desire for actual sex.

I was just in a sexless relationship and he broke up with me because there was no passion and no spark. That is understandable, but at this point in my life I think having a good friend is more important than a relationship so that's where I'm at right now.

I think its just not for some people. Yeah you may be missing out on something, people tell me that ALL the time, how I'm missing out on the "greatest thing". Well you know what, I'm pretty content in my life and I am very lucky with the love from my parents and my sister. Sex isn't the be all end all in my opinion, its just whatever makes you happy

Good thread and subject

I don't masturbate but do miss a man in life. Had few sexual encounters but felt sex is a task to oblige man rather than pleasure.
I agree that friend is more important in life but is it possible to have friend who doesn't think sexually about u? I've had many friends but the closer I go with them the sexual instinct rise in them. I'm looking for plain platonic friendship but none of the guys are interested in that.
I feel I give wrong signals to them and that is why they advance... any suggestions...

I get emotionally attached to anyone who shows little care and concern towards me. Because of which I care for them a lot and may be that makes them think that I would like to be sexually involved.

Ms.Beans · Jun 05, 2013 at 01:57 PM

do you actually want to like sex? I mean, really..?

also, do you masturbate? Do you watch porn? Do you fantasize about being with someone?

MusicMike · Jun 05, 2013 at 08:10 PM

If you are addressing your comments to me, yes I want to like sex and have a pretty healthy sex drive, I think, but the only outlet is masturbation. I think the issue is my attitude toward relationships.. I like being alone a lot, for the freedom.. also makes it easier to work on my own issues in therapy, being alone. And being with somebody scares the dickens out of me, probably because my early experience of being bonded with my mother was traumatic. (She was very depressed and anxious, is what I think.)

hamster-bamster · Jun 05, 2013 at 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mike1127

If you are addressing your comments to me, yes I want to like sex and have a pretty healthy sex drive, I think, but the only outlet is masturbation. I think the issue is my attitude toward relationships.. I like being alone a lot, for the freedom.. also makes it easier to work on my own issues in therapy, being alone. And being with somebody scares the dickens out of me, probably because my early experience of being bonded with my mother was traumatic. (She was very depressed and anxious, is what I think.)

Mike,

I think you need to dig further. Lots of people have/had moms who are/were depressed and anxious. Depression and anxiety are so commonplace that they are almost a new norm - I see people revealing their D&A in a nonchalant way (the same is NOT true of schizophrenia!)

IN 2011, almost 10% of new disability claims received by SSDI in 2011 were for mental health (I have not found the breakdown, but am positive that a big chunk of that number is due to depression). The stats are from Council for Disability Awareness, Long-Term Disability Claims Review, 2012.

So when depression and anxiety are SO common (==> many people have been brought up by mothers who suffered from D&A), and yet your issue is UNCOMMON, you need to dig deeper.

It probably is a contributing factor, but is unlikely to be the only factor.

Ms.Beans · Jun 06, 2013 at 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mike1127

If you are addressing your comments to me, yes I want to like sex and have a pretty healthy sex drive, I think, but the only outlet is masturbation. I think the issue is my attitude toward relationships.. I like being alone a lot, for the freedom.. also makes it easier to work on my own issues in therapy, being alone. And being with somebody scares the dickens out of me, probably because my early experience of being bonded with my mother was traumatic. (She was very depressed and anxious, is what I think.)

My ma was talking to dead people...

I'm the opposite - terrified of being alone.. been doing everything to avoid it for years..
However, those fears have to be confronted if we ever to achieve the desirable level of comfort or happiness. Easier said than done ey.. I wish I had something more helpful to say..
I wish you the best! Hope you will meet someone who makes you feel secure and doesn't put any pressure on you..

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hamster-bamster Account Suspended Member Since Sep 2011 Location: Northern California Posts: 14,805 (SuperPoster!) 12 3,729 hugs given	May 31, 2013 at 12:42 PM #3 Since long-term therapy has had no effect, you can try invoking the law of large numbers to see what happens. Not that there are any guarantees, but you can try.
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MusicMike Veteran Member Member Since May 2013 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 540 10 97 hugs given	May 31, 2013 at 02:07 PM #5 I think it's more likely I have an emotional block to intimacy with another person. Because I think I'm sexual. But it's pretty clear I don't want it badly enough to make even a half-hearted attempt to find a relationship.
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MusicMike Veteran Member Member Since May 2013 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 540 10 97 hugs given	May 31, 2013 at 03:34 PM #7 Good point, hamster.
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hamster-bamster Account Suspended Member Since Sep 2011 Location: Northern California Posts: 14,805 (SuperPoster!) 12 3,729 hugs given	May 31, 2013 at 09:46 PM #8 I am a little puzzled now. You wrote a lot on the thread about the rape survivor, so it seems that you have spent some time thinking about sex-related issues, and yet? But again, this is probably just another side of the half-and-half state you are currently in.
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Ms.Beans Member Member Since Jun 2013 Location: UK Posts: 54 10 2 hugs given	Jun 05, 2013 at 01:57 PM #11 do you actually want to like sex? I mean, really..? also, do you masturbate? Do you watch porn? Do you fantasize about being with someone?
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