Confused...

I'm very, very reluctant about talking about this at all, but I need to get this off my chest and I have no one else to talk to about this sort of stuff...

So here's the story. I'm female, 21, and I've never been kissed. At some point in my life, it occurred to me that I may be a lesbian. Coming from a christian family I locked that deep down. That was when I was about 13 or so. Now, at an older age, I support LGBT fully - I wear the NOH8 tags everywhere I go. I still never really thought about it for myself, though. A part of me was still locked down.

Now, here's the thing. When I was 15, a guy basically bullied me into saying I'll go out with him, and felt up my leg. At 19 something similar happened again but that time the guy went as far to say he'd knock on every door until he found my address. Nothing happened from it, but hearing it was still scary enough.

I wondered if I didn't like guys because of those experiences. I can't imagine kissing a guy, or hugging them, or sleeping with them, or dating them, let alone getting married. But I never considered anything else...until I stated to have this dreams of myself with other women.

Now, a bit about me - I'm the least girly person I know. I wear mens jeans, I have a few men's t-shirts, I like sport and hate makeup and dresses and anything with the colour pink in it with a passion. My hair is very short, as are my nails. This is so very different from everyone else I know, which makes me feel very much alone.

Additionally, there's this...friend of mine. A female, who is older than me. I've known her for a while but we've only been really talking in the last few months. But the thing is...I think I like her. As in, more than just friends. My heart goes fast when I get a message from her, she makes me happy (which is somewhat rare for me) and I find being around her so easy. I've kind of felt attracted to other women before - liking the way they look, etc - but this...this is different.

So I guess what I'm asking here is...what is this? Does this mean I am indeed as lesbian? Or is this all normal? I have no idea and it's been making me quite anxious.

If you find being around her so easy, this is the real thing. I do not know if that makes you a lesbian, but from your description, this is a true attraction and attachment, what with how your heart reacts to her messages. You are on to something. Regardless of a label, congratulate yourself on the ability. To develop a true attachment to another human being. Some people go through their entire lives without ever experiencing that.

I want to tell you a story about someone I know. She was growing up in a very traditional Catholic country. She knew she was gay since she was a kid. It obviously led to all sorts of confusion and inner conflict. She though she can force herself to be straight. So she started dating a guy. Naturally she was disgusted by it.. not because he was a bad guy, just because she was forcing it. She started drinking. Later she split up with him and started dating another one. At that point she started snorting heroin to make it tolerable. Some months after she was totally hooked and couldn't get out of bed without a line. She was 17! She had to ask for help, and she did tell everything to her mum who helped her though and supported her. Now she is 32 and she has a gorgeous girlfriend, they've been together for 5 years.

My point is,don't force something which doesn't feel right. And if you are attracted to someone, it doesn't matter what gender/sex they are if they make you feel alive =)

First off - thanks for your replies. I was afraid to post this because I was afraid I'd be called unnatural or something...

Ms.Beans - Thank you for sharing that story. It gave me hope

Okay, so yes, this could be an attraction. But now I face another problem: what the heck do I do about it? I can't act on anything, I can't tell her...I'm fairly certain she doesn't see me that way...which I'm okay with, really. It doesn't bother me, I've pretty much accepted that what I want doesn't get to happen, but I have no idea how to stop looking at her the way I do...