Girlfriend says kissing me feels too overwhelming - please help (somewhat NSFW)

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to ask this question but I really need some advice on this so I hope I'm at least on the right track here. At first I thought this might belong in the Anxiety forum but I'm not sure. Also, I hope this post isn't too graphic or personal, but here goes.

I've been dating a girl for the past three months who was previously in a very long-term relationship of over ten years. They haven't been broken up for very long. Apparently it didn't end well for him and her; it was a torturous breakup and he had really done a number on her mentally over the years. He was never physically violent with her, but he was emotionally abusive, neglectful of their relationship, and used anger and manipulation as his way of trying to 'connect' with her (think Malignant Narcissistc Personality Disorder, which is what we're both almost certain he has/had... he's pretty much a textbook case).

Anyway, since we've been dating, we've had very few disagreements or conflicts of any kind; we feel able to talk to each other pretty easily, so communication isn't necessarilly an issue. Our feelings for each other have definitely grown deeper, as well. The majority of our physical interaction has fallen into the 'cuddling, snuggling, hugging and caressing" category, but we've also been sexually intimate (i.e. oral sex, sexual touching and manual stimulation, etc.) and while we've actually spent at least one night so far literally naked together under the sheets, we have not yet had actual intercourse - she has stated that she's not ready for actual intercourse, which I'm fine with.

What troubles me, though, is that she seems to have a problem kissing me. Not the action of initiating a kiss... she does that often. It's what happens once we're kissing - (and it's not a problem all the time, just most of the time) - she has said that after a few moments of kissing, she feels like she has to 'break away' because it becomes too "overwhelming." And the truth is that I can sort of sense it. I can feel it when I'm kissing her. It's like there's some kind of a 'block' or something. I wish I knew how to describe it better.

She's an extremely sensitive and emotional woman. That's one of the things I love about her, though. I've asked her if I had bad breath or something, or if she didn't like the way I kiss, or something else, but she's always said that's not a problem, and she's had absolutely zero issues with me using my hands or my mouth on any other part of her body. She's also able to have orgasms, so there don't seem to be any problems there either (but one thing I HAVE noticed, which I have not brought up to her yet because I quite frankly can't figure out how to do it tactfully, is that she doesn't seem to "lubricate" very much when she's sexually aroused. That has made me wonder if maybe she's not really physically attracted to me. I've been getting into my own head and thinking that maybe it's only an emotional/mental attraction. That worries me. But if she isn't physically attracted to me, I can't understand why she would have felt comfortable enough to be naked with me, and why she would have been perfectly okay with all the other kinds of sexual physical intimacy we've shared. I'm guess I'm confused about that too).

Any suggestions? Ideas? I've always done my absolute best to let her feel safe and comfortable with me and I do think she feels that way because she is willing to talk to me and with me about absolutely anything (we were friends for a while before things developed into a relationship). She says she's really not sure why she feels "overwhelmed" to the point of having to break away when we're kissing. The sexual elements I mentioned aside, the kissing is the part that troubles me most. I'm concerned as to what it says about her feelings for me, or her attraction to me, or even about how her previous, long-term, neglectful emotionally abusive relationship might have affected her.

Any help, ideas or experiences with something like this would be most welcome.

Thanks...

This is a pure guess, so take it for what it's worth.

You say she is not ready to have intercourse with you. However, you have done pretty much everything else except actual penetration. This doesn't make a lot of sense to me. She is comfortable enough to share sexual intimacy with you, but just not the penetration part. It seems like there's some sort of mental block there. Kissing tends to be a highly emotional thing that tends to lead people into wanting to have sex. If she has a mental block against having sex, the kissing could be getting her in the mood, but that triggers her mental issue against intercourse and she has to break it off.

Like I said, just a guess.

I agree kissing is very stimulating for me, so I can empathize with the feeling of being overwhelmed. Yes I get excited and turned on by my bf's other manual efforts at pleasuring me, but for some reason kissing always feels like it can get "out of control" very fast. Idk why, maybe its the emotional element, that closeness you feel, its different to manual stimuli.

Feeling overwhelmed is testament to the fact that you're a great kisser! So no need to worry about attraction. Also the lack of lubrication is a very common sign of stress, not lack of enjoyment, its nothing to worry about imo, because once she's ready for you, it will most certainly cease to be an issue.

Thank you for the replies. @High Treason: That's an interesting idea, I hadn't thought about that. I have sometimes wondered if she says she's not ready to have intercourse with me because she's concerned about seeming too "easy" (Although I will say that I've privately found it odd that she's comfortable enough with me to be naked under the covers and share all those other sexual interactions with me, yet she's worried about what I'll think of her if we do that. Or maybe she's worried about what she'll think of herself...?) But perhaps to her, the foreplay and the oral sex and the manual stimulation etc. are more like "play," whereas intercourse would be more along the lines of 'making love,' and would carry much more emotional weight?

@Trippin 2.0 - Thanks for the point you made about stress possibly being the reason behind her not getting lubricated when we have been intimate. I have sort of assumed that it was probably because of stress, or nervousness on her part, or possibly some kind of fear (?) having to do with being emotionally vulnerable (which, like High Treason pointed out, would eventually come into play if she and I were to have intercourse).

I do want to clarify one thing though - she's made it clear that the feeling she gets of being "overwhelmed" is an emotional reaction, rather than being overcome with any physical reaction from kissing me. She's said it feels like it's "too much," and she has to break away/pull away in response. That's why I'm so troubled by it... it's definitely like there's some kind of "block" there.

ive felt that way with a guy before--- but, to me- this sounds like more of something that is an issue within her and it wouldn't matter if it was you or some other guy...she would still 'hold back'... I bet if you focused less on the issue and more on gaining her trust and treating her the way her ex didn't ... things would soon begin to change.. idk how long it will take to change though? cus I mean investing more than 10 years in another relationship is hard to come by. hope you figure this all out!

Thanks Jazzy. I think you're right... I really need to convince her that she's 'safe' with me and that she's not going to be emotionally, mentally or verbally abused like she was by him for over a decade. I do realize, though, that I have my work cut out for me.

If you don't mind me asking - you said you've felt that way with a guy in the past - I assume you meant the feeling of it being too emotionally overwhelming to be able to kiss him (?)...were you able to figure out why you had felt that way?

I am the same way. I have a history of abuse in the past. I do not kiss my H and we have been married for 18 years. Pecks on the lips are weird but doable. But anything more then that is simply impossible. It is very overwhelming. closeness, getting into one anothers personal space zone, feeling of inadequacy, fearful of where it will lead,

I have dissociation, I can push threw it only to have similar to panic type sensations. It brings out extreme fear. The taste sends me into PTSD mode. Beer, cigarettes, certain temperature of ones tongue, it is just to much.

We haven't kissed that way maybe 10 times in 18 years. It is just not a good thing. All I can suggest is T. Overcoming past abuse issues is difficult. I have a T that specializes in trauma's and it is helping and one day I hope to be "normal". Talk to your girl friend be open and see if there are similarities that you and her ex share. Taste, only when kissing leads to sex, was she forced to kiss or have kissed pushed upon her.

Good luck. I wish yall the best.

Thank you Big Mama...you mentioned that you were abused - was it sexual/physical abuse? I only ask because I'm almost certain that my girlfriend was never sexually abused, but I DO know that her ex was a real S.O.B. to her for years in an emotional and mental sense (textbook malignant narcissist that he is).

However I also know that when she was growing up, her father was a very stern man, very intimidating in his own way (think old-world Italian father, he's a first-generation immigrant from Naples) and she has told me that when she was growing up, she often felt like she had to walk on eggshells around him; she's also said that as a child she was made to feel bad for having feelings, for 'wanting,' for 'needing.'

I don't know if any of this plays into it or not.

Oh gosh yes, it does have an impact on this in my opinion. I to can relate to as a child made to feel bad for having feeling needs or wants.

I was sexually abused, but had this distaste before that. My H was abusive towards me, mentally, emotionally and verbally. It did a real number on my self esteem. It is almost like combative PTSD, the effects it has on my brain and mentality. I am working currently to reverse the effects of that though. The T days it might work, might being the optimal word. I pay close attention to the feelings, and sensations and try to determine what it is that I do not like about it. What do I think about and feel. Then come up w/ combative statements. for example I think "This is so gross" instead I try to tell myself "This isn't hurting me" or "My H loves me enough to show me this way" As of yet it has not helped. But T is hopeful it will. I also have lists of positive feedback written on sticky notes. I put them in places where my H usually kisses me, for example the bedroom, the bathroom, by the kitchen door. It says little things like: No one is gonna hurt me, this is not bad, my H can show he loves me, I like closeness and so on and so forth. Like I said as of yet, no success.

You may be almost certin your girlfriend was not sexually abused, but ask just to make sure. I finially told my H 25 years after repeated rape that it happened. My H and I have been married for 19 years and I just told him about the rape. I didn't realize it mattered. Because for so very long I didn't matter to anyone, not even my H.

From the point of view of someone with extreme anxiety issues...kissing can sometimes make me feel "trapped" and I have to pull away, establish my own space again. It is an overwhelming feeling. It's a sudden need to flee, to pull away, to run. It's almost instinctual for me. As I've gotten a better handle on my anxiety, I can put more words to the feelings, I can recognize them, and I can work through them. But, at first, it was just overwhelming and I needed to be "away."

Sooo - just a thought, but maybe that's what is happening with your girlfriend. It's not that she feels trapped by you, exactly, just that she's having a reaction that causes that feeling.

Some things you guys could try - short kisses, let them build up in duration slowly. Kiss without too much additional bodily contact (like don't wrap your arms around her too tightly or even at all) so that she can easily "escape" if needed. If she pulls away because she's feeling overwhelmed, suggest she take a few deep breaths, sit quietly for a minute, and then once she's a little calm, one quick kiss, where you pull away and give her space instantly. You pulling away will show that she's not trapped, you're going to give her space, and you're respecting her need for it.

Just some thoughts of things that have helped me in dealing with feeling trapped and personal space issues.