Boyfriend can't perform in bed, need advice!

Hi there,

I'm 32 my boyfriend is 37. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months, we love each very much. We've been trying to have sex for 6 months now. Everytime we have tried, he's hasn't been able to ejaculate. The only time he's able to ejaculate is when he's masturbating on his own to either to porn or to images in his mind. I've tried toys, didn't work. He went to the doctor and got Cialis, which helped him stay hard longer but never came. I've dressed up, told him to cut down his masturbating from everyday to half as much. The week before we were together he masturbated just once. Still couldn't come. I suggested we go to a sex therapist but he's adamant about not going. I can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do. He's had this issue in the past with women, not all of them just a few and says it's because there's no passion. In the beginning when this problem started he said it's because he's old (umm no I don't think so), then he was saying he was thinking too much about performing and now he's saying there's no passion. I feel like something is missing. He says he loves me, I'm beautiful but feels like there's a lack of passion which is why he can't perform. He's only been with 5 or 6 women in his life about once or twice each so he's fairly inexperienced compared to myself. I asked if my experience intimidates him and he honestly said no. We are fantastic in every other aspect of the relationship. Any thoughts?

Just a quick question. Is there a condom involved? Condoms often make it very difficult to enjoy sex or ejaculate.

Is he on any medications? Many psych meds have this side effect.

No passion could explain having no erections. He does have erections. So 1) no passion is not a good explanation, 2) Cialis is not a relevant solution.

He is not old - men twice his age can do it. So he should not be blaming his age.

The first step, in terms of differential diagnosis, is to see if there are medications that are, basically, the culprit (as bighands advised). Medications can do all sorts of trouble - either disable erections, or remove the pleasure component from ejaculations (ejaculations happen, technically, but are anhedonic), or, perhaps, non-ejaculating.

If that fails, he or you will need to talk to a sex therapist or a professional sex educator or someone with credentials in the field.

I do not know about Korea, but in the US, the market is more than saturated with condoms of all kinds, so a little expense and a little experimentation should allow anybody to choose what they like.

Smart Sexuality has a good review. They also suggest Amazon, price-wise.

Yes, condoms have gotten better over the years. It is still the case that even the best condoms take away half (if not more) of the sensation of sex.

I think your boyfrriend has sex issues that may have a connection to his own childhood experiences. Many of our psychlogical issues go back to our childhood. This has been proven in all professional studies on this issue. Even if u ask about that he may adamantly deny it because most men will not admit to it because it makes them feel less of a man if they cannot perform to the expectations of their sexual parters. I know because I'm a man. U need to talk to him about it.

I'm probably older than u might expect but i have a lot of experience.
I was married, got separated from my wife after thirty something years of marraige, our sexual intimacy was going no where, I'm sorry to say, and as a result I, like most men, I had an affair with another woman, but I can tell u, and i don't mean to boast, I satisfied both of these woman
who had earth shattering orgasims at my tender hands that they never experienced in their entire lives. I tell u they could not even express it in words. It was "OMG...." I thought they were speaking in a foreign language until I realized I must be doing something right. I must be pressing all the right buttons. It was better than tying on my computer keyboard!!!

So if u think that talking to your bo about this issue may help then go for it.... or I suggest that he get some professional help. If u say u r attactive and a sex kitten any man would desire then u need to really look at your present relationship to see if it can get better. If not then find yourself another man who can appreciate u for the woman u say u r and who can provide u with the happiness and pleasure u so deserve.

Does that make any sense??? Maybe it does.... think about it deeply.
Make the right choices for your happiness. I think u deserve that.
Live is short.... live on my princess!!!

Regards ,
"almostthere" And i dont mean sexually, ok...

Thank you all for your replies...we don't use a condom as I'm on the pill and he's not on any medication...He doesnt think talking to a sex therapist will help...I said you never know until you try...

nope no condoms and he isn't on any meds

There are all sorts of techniques for men to perform better sexually - which start out by trying to teach men how to avoid ejaculating. It is possible to have an orgasm and have it be the complete real deal without ejaculating. It is also possible to ejaculate and be left feeling hollow and empty, having felt like the orgasm was missing. Your man has an advantage with these systems. He is to be congratulated. He could even learn to have multiple orgasms in a single session, without losing his erection. You could find stuff online by searching for multiple orgasms for men. Or kegel exercises for men. The author Mantak Chia is well known for teaching this kind of thing.

He would lose his erection on and off. But with cialis he's able to stay hard longer

He hasn't had anything unusual happen in his childhood...he was in a 6 year relationship on and off and had no sex due to the girl wanting to wait til marriage...besides that I can't think of anything else..I'm just confused at how you can love someone, think they're beautiful but when it comes to sex can't even come once in 6 months

I had the same problem as your husband with condoms. It was difficult to get enough sensation to finish. It took I dunno like a couple hours to finish. In addition to that there could be an issue of dry skin. If he is too dry then he will have reduced sensation as well. A lotion like the cocoa butter ones. Palmers I think. That will revitilize the skin and increase sensation if it is dry.

Another issue may be his masturbation. If he grips himself rather hard and gets used to that, then the vagina can't provide the same amount of pressure. He may want to ease up if he has the G.I. Joe kung do grip going on.

Meds are another thing that can do that. When I was on a couple antidepressant I had an incredibly difficult time to finish. I could, but it took a lot, and my wife said it was sore the other day.

I have taken one medication that seems to have the opposite effect. I take wellbutrin and I find a finish a little faster now than usual. Just a thought, but I don't know about taking an antidepressent just for that. Not sure what it would do to a person that doesn't suffer from depression.

rofl Adam, I'm going to have to keep "GI Joe Kung Do Grip" on tap for future conversation.

I feel like "lack of passion" isn't a valid excuse. If there were a lack of passion, I feel, as Hammy did, that the problem would be getting aroused, not finishing. Furthermore, with the huge variety of condoms and lubricants and all that jazz available, I'm not sure a condom is going to be the issue.

I'm wondering if perhaps as Adam suggested that your bf is so used to the sensation from masturbation that the sensation from a vagina isn't...well, it's not what he's used to, in a manner of speaking. I've heard of that mentioned before, though largely I've heard it used as a sort of urban legend regarding masturbation. I have no legitimate backing to that claim.

That being said, communication is ultimately key. Have you spoken at length as to what he enjoys in bed? There could be, perhaps, a difference as to what he understands as "passion" and what you do. Furthermore, he should really reconsider the sex therapist...he needs to be willing to do what it takes to further your relationship together, and he needs to understand that this is a way for you two to overcome an obstacle in your relationship. Why is he so adamant about not going?

Keep us posted, and I do hope things work out for you two for the best.

Hugs,
Harley

If too much masturbation was the issue wouldn't he have this issue with all women? We have talked about what we both like in bed and I do whatever he wants how he wants it. He said sex should be natural and not so forced (meaning having to go to therapy to get it better). Anyways, as an update we ended up breaking up...I'm so lost as to what else to do besides therapy which he so adamantly doesn't think would work...as he said "i don't know why god doesn't want me to make this connection with you" Really? blaming god? ok yea...I'm so hurt that it had to come to this...I think if two people really love each other all options should be exausted before giving up, that's what hurts the most that he didn't want take the chance for us...

You are right. He did not try anything. There was a problem and he did nothing to solve it. OK, so not a therapist, then what? Where was his creative problem-solving? Blaming god is not terribly helpful, as far as problem-solving goes. Of course you'd feel hurt having received such treatment from him!

Since he broke up with you, stop thinking about "what to do besides therapy" - this is now solely his problem and not yours.

I think he prefers masturbation. Porn has ruined many men this way. I can tell you now that when you watch too much porn it does desensitise you and it probably is a combination of having too tight a grip while masturbating and being used to masturbation rather then actual sex.

You're probably right breaking up with him because he won't try anything, so clearly doesn't value you that much. There's even ways of masturbation without such a tight grip.

Is it possible to love someone, think they're beautiful gorgeous and not be able to perform? I can't help but think it's something about me that turns him off, maybe bigger tits and a smaller *** turn would him on instead...ayyyeee I dunno just real ;-( right now

Don't let him get you down. You can only be you. You have to find someone who can accept that. If you don't work for him, then that is his problem not yours. If I were you I would figure out if he makes you happy and if there is potentional. If not, move on to someone who can appreciate and love you the way you want. You don't have to be a supermodel for a man to find you beautiful.