Sex is blahh, why want my brain let it be good?

hamster-bamster · Jun 23, 2013 at 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Psychocalipso

I'm not very familiar with the laws of each state. I'm not American, how illegal is pot where you guys live?

It varies by state from totally illegal to totally legal and Virginia where Big Mama lives has legalized medicinal cannabis only for use in glaucoma and cancer patients.
You can do web searches to find out how the laws differ by state.

You are asking about "American" - federal law criminalizes pot broadly, and there is a conflict between state and federal laws in the states that allow some or all use of pot. It is probably way more than you ever want to know about the weird American federalism while not being an American.

Psychocalipso · Jun 23, 2013 at 08:48 PM

Hehe actually I find the whole "each state having it's own laws" quite interesting. We don't have that here in Venezuela. Well, we don't really have any kind of law here -_- but that's beside the point.

I find the US quite fascinating

Big Mama · Jun 23, 2013 at 09:51 PM

Your are right Hamster, I was just thinking if I got pulled over for speeding and an officer found the pot and asked "What is that for", I do not see the correct answer being oh it is for my sex drive.

If it were legal I might actually give it a try.

Psycho there is a long standing history of abuse(verbal and emotional) from my H, Things have gotten better w/ marriage T. There has also been rape in my past. I am having a difficult time with sex. And my H has told me he cannot stay in a sexless marriage forever. Well it is not sexless, just lacking in wanting and enjoying of sex. The T told him she understood and that that was a valid reason to want out. I really hope that was just confirmation of his frustration, not a true agreement that lack of good sex is a reason to divorce. I have come to far to let lack of great sex be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Jun 24, 2013 at 12:09 PM

((((Mama)))) trust takes time. It is a vital part of the equation. You are working so hard healing from past abuse. You and H are just beginning to really communicate properly. You have a history of him emotionally and verbally abusing you. Not to mention degrading you and using his strength and height to "block" and scare you.

That said IMHO you are being wayyyy too hard on yourself. He has to realize his behavior and actions in the past vs. now, although so much improved, are just the beginning. You have to be able to trust the man.

He has to earn your trust by his deeds and words. Every single day. Building trust and a safe place for you extends far beyond the bedroom....sweeping things under the rug, temporary fix.

Honey, you honor you. The major trust issues (for a damn good reason) ... time is the best drug there is. And also boosting your self confidence, self esteem and trust in yourself will most certainly be of great benefit to you. You have to think of yourself and go at your own pace.

Please try to be more gentle and kind to yourself. You are worth it

Big Mama · Jun 24, 2013 at 01:17 PM

Thank you
rose, I don't know weather to be happy or cry. You are to sweet. Thank you again.

Jun 24, 2013 at 02:04 PM

I have had a problem especially if I take any Antidepressants or anti-Psychotics. does something to our sex drive as well as being able to acheive an orgasm, numbing the genital senses.Very frustrating to both. partners not being able to achieve that satisfaction.

Purple Heart · Jun 28, 2013 at 01:58 AM

Hi Big Mama

I’ve chatted to you online.

Everybody is missing the point!!

Fixing things in the now won’t fix your sexual problems. Read a great book I’m reading for survivors of sexual abuse: The Invisible Wound by Wayne Kritsberg. He is a psychologist and I agree with what he says. Your sex life won’t improve until you resolve the past traumas from your childhood ie when you were raped. You have to work through the anger, the terror, the emotional pain attached to those traumas in childhood, if you want to be functional and ‘turned on’ for sex with your H. So trying pot, bondage or other sexual activities won’t fix your problems. Pot may give you temporary results but long-term, no. Dealing with the sexual trauma from childhood (and adulthood) will lead to better sex as an adult. That’s my 2 cents.

Big Mama · Jun 28, 2013 at 07:53 AM

Purple, thank you so much. I need to look for that book at the library. Thank you , thank you, thank you.

hamster-bamster · Jul 05, 2013 at 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Purple Heart

Pot may give you temporary results but long-term, no.

This is not entirely correct.

The point of trying pot is not just to release inhibitions in order to allow the enjoyment of sex in the moment.

The point is also in gaining insight, and the insight into the trauma's after-effects that can be gained via the pot experience will bring long-term relief. It is not a substitute for but a supplement and a catalyst to therapy.

Big Mama, sort of irrelevant now for you, but once it becomes more widely legal for medicinal use, as I hope it will within the next two years, I just wanted to let you know that the benefits are both short- and long-term, and that is not an EITHER/OR between therapy and pot, but their working jointly to help you. I hope!

Big Mama · Jul 05, 2013 at 10:03 PM

Thanks. I think that the T is thinking along the same line. If we can help things along w/ something to lower inhibitions that sex would be so much more productive. Maybe. Who knows. I an so glad I have my T though.

hamster-bamster · Jul 05, 2013 at 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Thanks. I think that the T is thinking along the same line. If we can help things along w/ something to lower inhibitions that sex would be so much more productive. Maybe. Who knows. I an so glad I have my T though.

oh, that T is on board with this is great!

now you just need legality of pot for your use

Douglas MacNeill · Jul 07, 2013 at 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I am having issues w/ sex after rape. I have been working w/ the T some on this and I just don't get it and I am not so sure she does to. I also put this in survivors of abuse to, because I am not real sure where it goes. Here is what is going on:

I am so confused when it comes to sex. I don't know what to feel. I don't even know if I know how to feel. When my H and I have sex my body cooperates and it is as if my brain and my body are in a battle to make sure my brain wins and sex sucks. I stand there like a knot and I don;t know what to do when my H touches me. Where do my hands go, what am I supposed to do. I can feel the beginnings of pleasant sensations, but then it is like my brain says "no, no don't go there." My body says yes do, it is ok. My brain says no don't. As things progress and we move into greater intimate things my body enjoys for a minute and then it is like an alarm goes off and says stop. Then I can't enjoy the process that is about to unfold because I am to busy telling my brain but it is OK, it is good. I want this to happen. Nothing pleasurable happens and I have to tell my H to stop what ever he is trying to do to help things along because it just ain't workin. The harder I try the more of a failure it appears to be. Then we end up having sex that has no sensations and very little meaning.

Does this happen to anyone else, or do you have any idea what I can do to combat that. It has given me performance anxiety to boot. If things don't happen to me then my H feels bad. If we have to much preplaning then I start to freak out sometimes. If we waited for me to be forward and want to do it, it would be a very long wait for my H.

I want to like it I do. I get that it is important to my H and to men in general to have sex and feel loved and that confirms ones love for them. Though us ladies have to have confirmation first and sex next.

I know that details are missing about exactly what kind of sexual things are taking place. I can fill in those blanks. But some time to much info is not really helpful.

A question for you, Big Mama: Do you show signs of boredom elsewhere in your life?

My reason for asking this is that there's a psychology professor at the U of Waterloo named James Danckert. His particular research interest happens to be the psychology of boredom, and his research on this topic is getting considerable media attention over the last 12 months or so.
Danckert's mirror-world counterpart would probably be Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi from the University of Chicago; Mihaly is best known for Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience.
Danckert's idea is that boredom is a positive state of psychological distress even more than a negative state of disengagement from this world. Indeed, there's more than one kind: apathetic boredom, but also agitated boredom.

Big Mama · Jul 08, 2013 at 05:55 PM

Douglas, Thank you very much for your input. I do seem to be of a very laid back natured personality type. I do get board easily. I also have ADD and do not have a legnthy focus. Dissociation is quite easy.

hamster-bamster · Jul 08, 2013 at 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I also have ADD and do not have a legnthy focus.

my current partner's ex wife and bff post divorce has ADD and takes medicine selectively, only to be able to focus on exercise. She does not take it daily, but just takes it to be able to accomplish exercising.

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Psychocalipso Member Member Since Jun 2013 Posts: 23 11 4 hugs given	Jun 23, 2013 at 08:48 PM #22 Hehe actually I find the whole "each state having it's own laws" quite interesting. We don't have that here in Venezuela. Well, we don't really have any kind of law here -_- but that's beside the point. I find the US quite fascinating
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Big Mama Magnate Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Virginia Posts: 2,191 12 646 hugs given	Jun 24, 2013 at 01:17 PM #25 Thank you rose, I don't know weather to be happy or cry. You are to sweet. Thank you again.
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anonymous91213 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 24, 2013 at 02:04 PM #26 I have had a problem especially if I take any Antidepressants or anti-Psychotics. does something to our sex drive as well as being able to acheive an orgasm, numbing the genital senses.Very frustrating to both. partners not being able to achieve that satisfaction.
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Big Mama Magnate Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Virginia Posts: 2,191 12 646 hugs given	Jun 28, 2013 at 07:53 AM #28 Purple, thank you so much. I need to look for that book at the library. Thank you , thank you, thank you.
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Big Mama Magnate Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Virginia Posts: 2,191 12 646 hugs given	Jul 05, 2013 at 10:03 PM #30 Thanks. I think that the T is thinking along the same line. If we can help things along w/ something to lower inhibitions that sex would be so much more productive. Maybe. Who knows. I an so glad I have my T though.
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Big Mama Magnate Member Since Jun 2012 Location: Virginia Posts: 2,191 12 646 hugs given	Jul 08, 2013 at 05:55 PM #33 Douglas, Thank you very much for your input. I do seem to be of a very laid back natured personality type. I do get board easily. I also have ADD and do not have a legnthy focus. Dissociation is quite easy.
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