borderline foot fetish?

I'm not sure if I should call myself a foot fetishist or not. I don't think I should. I just have a desire for footjobs preceded by breast rubs given by foot. I don't have any other sexual interest involving feet. Once I have the option to receive sexual stimulation from a partner, I want more variety in the forms of sexual stimulation than I've experienced all my life so far, & footjobs can provide some of that variety. That's the only real reason I even want them. I will wanna be foot wanked only ONE night a week so that I can ALWAYS view, touch, & rub ladies' feet WITHOUT getting horny at all. I've always viewed foot massage as a form of NON-sexual intimacy, and I don't want it to turn me on so much that I gotta get an orgasm right then & there.

I've had very little experience with any form of intimacy. Therefore I've never even asked a lady to foot wank me. At present day I'm alternating between agnosticism & atheism, but considering returning to Catholicism. I'm concerned that a Catholic woman would refuse to foot wank me, even if she doesn't have any guilt about other sexual behaviors.

Every time I stared at the beautiful toenail polish of the last single lady I met for what she deemed to be too long, she would literally sit on her feet. Let me guess...she intended to prevent me from touching them. I hadn't given her the slightest clue that I have this curiosity about footjobs, but she went ahead and expressed fear that I would ask her to foot wank me cuz many men like that. I'm not the kind of guy who likes to scare ladies. If I even have a foot fetish at all right now, I'd say it's BORDERLINE, and I don't want it to be worse than that.

I do not know anything at all about foot fetishes, but as something tangentially related, do not recommend that you return to Catholicism RIGHT NOW.

This is because your short OP contains an extraordinary dose of judgment. You are trying to draw some lines. Trying to define what is and is not sexual (as if anybody truly cared). Trying to control what turns you on and to what degree (largely impossible). Trying to rank the possible degrees of foot fetishism - do you have it at all? if you do, is it borderline or full-blown? is it bad or worse than bad? etc. etc.

So all of that bespeaks a huge amount of YOUR GUILT about sexual behaviors, so, I think, you should not - right now - hypothesize about whether potential partners from among Catholic women would feel guilt over how they use their toenail polish around you. You have lots of guilt in your own mind to work through BEFORE approaching other people. And to the extent that Catholicism has a reputation for instilling MORE guilt related so sexual behaviors (which is not true of all the denominations and variety, but in generally is accepted as fact), you clearly do NOT need to return to Catholicism RIGHT NOW, because it would be courting disaster. I think you need to stay within agnosticism and atheism and whatever it is that you presently are alternating between, and in that framework try to grasp the notion of "harm to others and self" as well as the notion of "consent and mutuality". Somehow those notions are totally absent from the OP. You wrote quite a lot, but there is no mention of your recognizing that the standard applied to fetishes has nothing to do with specific body parts and everything to do with whether somebody gets harmed in the process.

The ChildFree (CF) Community is who I seek friendship & love from. Therefore, what they are and are not comfortable with, what they do & don't recommend has more influence on me than what was said in the PsychCentral social group titled "At Jesus' Feet". I'm on another message board called TheChildFreeLife (TCFL) and everyone there appeared to be opposed to me returning to Catholicism. So I made up my mind to stick with antitheism (the belief that religion is harmful). So throught any remainder of this discussion, please disregard any comments I've made about changing my mind regarding religion or lack thereof.

I have some guilt about my interest in feet because I seemed to have failed to hide it from the last single lady I met and she got scared. She was not Catholic. She appeared to believe in God but not practice any organized religion. I never did have any guilt about masturbation despite my history of being raised Catholic. I've never had sex before, and have only wanted to since my confirmation of sterility on 3/7/2013.

But just how might a woman be harmed by rubbing her feet on my breasts and/or foot wanking me? That part is not making sense. I know I would not be harmed as long as it was done without much force. Of course, foot jobs are usually not mutual, i.e. only the man's genitals are stimulated by feet but not the woman's. I just could not stand all the images of toe-sucking & sole-licking on the Google+ Foot Fetish community. That's definitely NOT something I ever wanna do. So I posted this question here in PsychCentral where such images have not been posted.

I've never even felt sexually attracted to anyone before. I know the first time is very likely to come, but I certainly have desire for sexual activities with a partner. So I doubt it's really impossible for me to control what turns me on and to what degree. The point I was getting at is
that elsewhere online, I have caught foot fetishists calling NON-erotic foot massage videos porn and commenting about ejaculating on their computer keyboards while watching those videos. I don't want that to be me. I don't think I'd become like they are if I ever get foot wanked just ONE night a week.

You said you don't know anything about foot fetishes, so I'm quite shocked that you're the only one who answered my post. I am in the process of changing mental health counselors, and I will go ahead and discuss this with my new mental health counselor when a good time comes.

Foot fetishes are quite common and as long as you're not bothering anyone..... its fine to go along with this. When you were staring at the lady you mentioned and then she hid her feet, maybe she was worried her feet weren't well groomed enough and didn't realize you were admiring her feet. When you feel closer to a potential partner you can confide in this desire - its not an unreasonable one. As long as a fetish doesn't interfere with your happiness, your partners and you can still be aroused even without the fetish....then its okay. I feel the more one suppresses a fetish the stronger it gets. Some people are obsessed with big breasts and bigs butts so why not nice feet. Many decades ago, Japanese women used to bind their feet to make them small because it was preferred by men.

This hypothesis seems WAY more realistic to me than what APV83 assumed. As in "1000 chances to 1" that Lynn's hypothesis is correct.

I do not think religion and personal sexual preferences really mix in any "helpful" way and why you are discussing the two of them together puzzles me.

In a relationship, one is not supposed to be interested in feet but in the individual one is in the relationship with. Before sexual relations, if one wants a relationship, one generally spends time getting to know the person's character and background, who they are as a whole, not the person's sexual preferences.

I do not know that any women is/would be "scared" of foot wanking or breast rubs it just seems out of place in the context of getting to know a woman; your staring at a woman's feet/nail polish, for example; that has nothing to do with the woman herself and is a relatively "odd" place to stare in the overall scheme of things :-) When she said she was "afraid" you were going to asked to be foot wanked, it was not an actual fear, like one would have of snakes or spiders, but the thought you were going to go from discussing the weather or what to have for dinner to discussing feet in a sexual manner. You were not paying attention to the woman as a person, but as a sexual object.

Sex is supposed to be an overall, pair-bonding experience and generally our fantasies are just that. Focusing on just our fantasies, which are about an unusual/non-sexual "item" (breasts are used to feed babies, one massages them with one's hands/fingers and sucks on them) is not the "norm" and most people generally practice in that range.

You say you have not had sex and have little relationship experience. I think you have been with "yourself" too much and that has colored your thinking. You sound like you mostly have interaction only with what is inside your own head and that is not conducive to good "reality checking" and getting along with the vast majority of people. I do not think a true relationship (non-sexual intimacy) with another would currently be possible for you.

I think you need to work on getting out of your head and fantasies so much and into the world some and having genuine experiences and then seeing how you might "improve" upon them. There's nothing "wrong" with foot wanking/breast rubbing but you need a partner that enjoys that too and your pool of people to "start" with is probably extremely small, making finding someone like that not likely. The other alternative is to work on your actual relationships and learn to relate to whole women and to allow a whole woman to relate to you and then each may enjoy learning and enacting the other's fantasy. . .

I totally agree. I think that is on a general level the REAL and GENERAL problem you are facing, and all the foot stuff is a small specific manifestation. Also, you seem to project some of your ideas (that are, to some extent, unusual and very odd, not that there is anything wrong with that in and of itself) onto everybody.

Say, you wrote:

"The ChildFree (CF) Community is who I seek friendship & love from. Therefore, what they are and are not comfortable with, what they do & don't recommend has more influence on me than what was said in the PsychCentral social group titled "At Jesus' Feet"."

Well, this is the first time I hear about the ChildFree community and, I have never read what is posted on the PsychCentral group "At Jesus' Feet", and yet I am supposed to somehow follow your train of thought as you compare those two sources of influence on you?.. This seems to be an example of your having a LOT of discussions, that are probably mostly cognitive, inside your head, which, again, is fine by itself, but then expecting others to follow. Almost as if others can "read your mind". I think the incident with the lady and toe nail polish was similar - you imputed to her "having read your unusual mind", and, 1000 to 1, she was simply a little insecure, as Lynn pointed out. She did not read your (unusual, to some extent) mind. People do read minds, but it is rare. Women do get insecure about appearance, and it is common. Hence, your hypothesis is valid but unlikely to be true, and Lynn's is likely to be true because she is in touch with reality much more than you are.

Further, "So I made up my mind to stick with antitheism (the belief that religion is harmful)." - this is very weird, even to me, and I grew up with
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Opium_of_the_people, and completely unhelpful to you, because it is too narrow, too rigid, and discounts positive experiences that other people might be having with their religions. Since you already have the problem of difficulty with "reality checking", per Perna's insight, and since a lot of people around you are religious, further separating from the reality of people around you by sticking with antitheism seems counterproductive for you. The opposite to what the doctor has ordered. I would stick with garden variety atheism instead, because it does not judge others with differing beliefs quite as much. Much better.

Further, " I've never had sex before, and have only wanted to since my confirmation of sterility on 3/7/2013. " - this is also very weird and unusual. A lot of people take precautions in order to have sex that would not result in conception and abstain from sex when such precautions cannot be taken for some reason, but still want sex. They want sex but abstain from it, or, they want it and have it but take a combination of precautionary measures. You did not actually want it when you were not sterile. It is not in any way bad, but it is highly unusual.

So what I am trying to say is that your mind works in a highly unusual way, which is not bad, but is unusual. It seems to me that the foot fetish, being common, is much more widespread in the population than the specific unusual way in which you mind works is. So, it seems to me, your foot fetish is more or less a variation on the norm and not a cause for any concern, but how your mind works and how you lack in the ability to check reality is a cause for concern, and I would recommend professional therapy for that.

I agree its best to have some real life experiences and get to know your potential partner well. When you have this bond, you can share this desire. Its also better to leave religion out of this, since fetishes are often scorned and may not fit in the rigid normal box that religion imposes. Your conflict with religion could be whats fueling this fetish, since the forbidden nature fans those flames. Try to relax and concentrate on meeting a lady who shares common interests and the sexual experiences will come naturally.

Excuse me, everyone. On 7/22/2011 when I had this incident of this woman hiding her feet from me, I had no interest in sexual intercourse. SHE was viewing ME as a sexual object because she asked me for sex that night. I refused because I NEVER want children, we did not have any condoms, and I was not sterilized until 7/19/2012.

I certainly PLAN to get to know my partner's character aside from sexual preferences before seeking any intimacy sexual or non. I don't need to be reminded of this necessity. I am in the process of switching mental health counselors and will discuss all this with my new mental health counselor.

As for the issues about their religion vs. my lack thereof, I must mention, I am more and more "closeted" about my antitheism. I certainly don't talk about it with people I recently met. Now, when they mention God, they might see me cringe, but other than that I won't let them notice until trust has been established. I was very open about my antitheism throughout 2012 due to all the doomsday talk. My mother's friends have not tolerated my lack of religion well at all. I just never did have much of a relationship with God and I'm really not interested in having one. Several posters on the PsychCentral social group "At Jesus' Feet" reminded me that religions are about having a relationship with God. So, due to that, I was never truly interested in religion, and have decided to stay consistent in not being religious.

Sounds like you know what you're doing and good for you. My posts were to make you feel comfortable with your fetish. Best of luck.

I am afraid I am finding it increasingly difficult to follow the thread...


So asking somebody for sex means viewing that person as a sex object?

Maybe because you have not had sex, but you seem to have weird concepts about sex.

On the most GENERAL level, omitting such details as fetishes, etc., so, again, on the most GENERAL level, sex between people is a type of human interaction.

People who take part in this interaction are, generally, subjects. Not objects, but subjects.

When she asked you for sex, she was, in essence, inviting you to become a subject - a willing participant to an interaction between two adult humans. She was not trying to make you into an object - rather, she viewed you as a subject. Also, since, as you wrote, she "asked you for sex" - "asked" being the relevant term here - she treated you as an adult capable of his own decisions. How would acknowledging that you are an adult capable of making his own decisions amount to viewing you as an "object", I wonder? An "object" is something you just go ahead and use, without "asking". So by "asking" you, she FULLY met the requirements of treating you as a SUBJECT.

That you refused to have sex with her was totally within your right; I hope you refused in a polite enough manner to make sure she grasped that your refusal was not a rejection of her person as a whole, but a step motivated only by the practical side of things (no condoms, not sterile); but no, she did not view you as an object.

BTW you certainly know that condoms are as necessary for you as they are for men who are not sterile, right?

I hope everything goes well with the new mental health provider and your life will pick up steam in this realm soon.

As for the whole "subject" vs. "object" thing I just really don't understand how to use those terms correctly. Let's just not use them.

I don't necessarily wanna call it a fetish. I only want a partner to engage in the activities I decribed in my OP just so that I can experience some variety in sexual stimulation. But thanks for saying what you could to make me feel comfortable with this interest of mine

As for condoms I will only use them with one-night stand partners if I choose to have any more one-night stands. A long-term partner must get tested for STIs and I will only be intimate with her at all if she tests negative. I really can't stand all the condom preaching. Elsewhere on PsychCentral I have seen people complaining about how much condoms reduce sensation.

I can definitely see your confusion, and wholeheartedly agree with your suggestion to just avoid using this terminology altogether, and just want to remind you that the person who started talking about being viewed as an object was you . Also, while we can skip the terms altogether, the indignation that was present in your calling what the woman did "viewing you as a sex object" does need to be explored, because the indignation was entirely out of place - the woman did nothing bad to you at all.

I also agree with your switching from "fetish", which is a loaded term, to an "interest of yours", which is a totally neutral and open-minded way to put it. I think that really is the most important positive outcome of the whole thread.

When you say "long-term partner", you probably mean "an exclusive long-term partner" ("exclusive" and "long-term" are orthogonal, unrelated characteristics of sexual relationships). STI testing is not failure-free, and so, with your plan on not using condoms, you will reduce the likelihood of catching STI's, but not down to zero. Make sure you have been vaccinated for Hep B, btw.

I have thought more about your experience and decided to offer you the following by way of consolation and reassurance.

So I am a happily vanilla woman who does not have any desire to positively engage in unusual practices, but would consider engaging in unusual practices provided that they are benign.

What I mean by "benign" is that they are not too labor-intensive for the woman, do not violate the woman's bodily integrity, cannot cause injury or physical pain to the woman, and do not carry a risk of sudden untimely death.

Your preferences, according to this standard, are completely benign.

So you want to do certain things with feet, want some rubbing... I am not sure what foot wanking is (and urban dictionary does not explain it in its article on foot fetishes) but, at any rate, it does not appear too labor-intensive. If it means that a woman would need to stimulate your penis with her feet, it still does not appear too labor-intensive. Also, it does not DAMAGE the women's feet. Contrast it to spanking. I would not want anybody to spank me because spanking would damage my lovely buttocks. So there is basically nothing wrong with a foot fetish.

Admiring feet cannot cause bodily injury or a sudden death in a woman whose feet you are admiring.

Finally, I would recommend that you read about other fetishes, such as those that involve humiliation, pain, bodily injury, safe words (it is nice that people can use safe words, but the necessity to choose and stick to such words signals that the practice is inherently UNSAFE), etc. I am sure that after you have read a lot, your preference for feet would stop seeming BAD in your mind forever.

Because when you say that it might be BORDERLINE, you are trying to say that while it is bad, it is not TOO bad - it is borderline. It would be much better to stop considering it even remotely bad; even borderline. You just need to see it for what it is - an innocent interest does neither offends nor damages anybody.

At first i wondered what the issue was with you having sexual interests - then i read of your confusion about your religious views. You sound uncomfortable with just being who you are in general and i propose that therapy is probably the best way to continue with exploring concerns of that nature. As i'm sure you're aware, foot fetishism or whatever you would like it to be called is neither unusual nor solely experienced by those without religion. I'm not saying that ensures you will find peace with the subject eventually but as you can see, statistically it IS possible. I hope you find hope in that. I want to finish this response by examining your use of the word 'borderline' - that usually implies something negative, something which is neither one thing nor another. If you're supposing you're uncertain of whether you're abnormal i wonder what it would mean if you are - so you like feet, you may not believe in God, does that impair your ability to be a valuable, productive member of society? We've discussed it doesn't make you inhuman either so i think it's fair to assume the only real trouble caused by this issue is damage to your self esteem. You have a right to be YOU whatever that means - here's hoping therapy helps you develop ways of coming to terms with that.