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TanTran
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Default Jun 25, 2013 at 02:41 PM
  #1
I don't know if anyone can help me with my "burning question" (I've contacted numerous psychologists online yesterday, but no replies so far), but here goes:

I am nineteen years old, a junior in college, and I have been wondering about my sexuality for a long time. I guess I should start off by saying I grew-up in a very open-minded and accepting / tolerant setting, so I have always been keen to exploring new ideas. I have also been doing a lot of independent research about human sexual fluidity and psychological theories concerning men who have some homosexual tendencies supposedly due to lack of male bonding in early years. (*I am not necessarily validating this theory, just saying I saw it!) If either or both theory is true, I can honestly see why it could apply to me. I am not a "porn person" (odd for a college guy, I know), but there was a time in my life, for about two months, when I did find gay porn stimulating. However, after much contemplation and mediation (and research, because obviously I am a bit of a nerd), I could never see myself in an emotional relationship with another man, or even in a sexual / physical one. I have always had "crushes" (and for extended periods of time, which always ended in total disasters because I never got the courage to ask the good lady(s), lol) on women, and I do get sexually attracted to them. (especially AFTER becoming emotionally, romantically, spiritually, mentally, etc.) I've always wanted a wife (and biological children at some point)--a special lady to share my life with, not a man. (No offense to the men, lol) Still, I do occasionally see men who I find attractive (*Also note that 90% of the time it's men I see as models in photographs (again I don't go looking for porn, just in general), not really in person). I find myself stimulated, but like I said, I don't think I could ever even kiss a man and enjoy it. Many people on public forums says it could grow with time, but I don't see that ever happening. It's just not part of who I truly believe I am. I would also like to note I am Asian-American, adopted by White people, and have had some self-image issues that I think is due to the fact that I don't look like the race that raised me. (Not being racist, I love 'em!) I have noticed that men who I find attractive are White...could there be a connection in my psychology? (Like if the attraction could be due to my need to look like the ideal White man) Finally, I honestly just wonder about my future. (Who doesn't, really?) I just want to find a good lady to spend the rest of my days with, but this is so important to me--my sexuality--and so intrinsic to the individual, that I must be honest about it.

CLEARLY, I need help…help?
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Default Jun 27, 2013 at 08:13 PM
  #2
I find the idea of your attraction to men possibly being due to the need to look like the ideal White man interesting. I'm a woman and though I definitely identify as straight and also see myself in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I do notice attractive women. Perhaps even more than I notice good-looking men. And I've found that part of the reason (though not the whole reason) is that I would like to look like them. Usually the person has more going for them than looks though; they also have confidence, or some other quality I've deemed admirable. I have also developed weird "crushes" on certain women, and I don't think it's exactly a sexual thing (though it is tangled somewhat in there). It's more that I just want to BE that person. Hope that doesn't sound weird. Thought I'd throw in my 2 cents! I think what you're going through is normal though. I have also read about sexual fluidity and believe that we all lie somewhere on the spectrum.
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Default Jun 29, 2013 at 06:10 PM
  #3
It's been said many times that there is no such thing as 'gay' or 'straight', that we are all truly some combination, whether it's 99% straight and 1% gay or something else. When I was young I only made out with girls. Then I started making out with guys. Then I started having sex with guys. Then I started having sex with girls. Then girls and guys. (I'm female.) Now I'm engaged to a woman. I came out as bisexual about 4 1/2 years ago, and I have identified primarily as pansexual or queer (because I'm a people person; I don't limit it to gender), but the truth is I have no idea what I am. It changes all the time. I'm not sure if you have an attachment to an opposite-sex partner because you want children, because you want an 'ideal' relationship, or if there's some other reason. It sounds like you might, maybe, kinda-sorta, be attracted to men but you don't really know and don't really think so. But you've been turned on by gay porn and/or the idea of being with a man in the past. Prior to meeting my current partner, there was a period of about 8 years where I hadn't been with a woman and I didn't find them attractive at all. In fact, the whole time I was sleeping with them I didn't ever look at a woman and think, Geez, I wanna sleep with her, or Geez I wanna kiss her. But I did kiss and sleep with them, and it was great. I still don't ever really look at people - any people - and feel an overwhelming attraction. But sometimes someone catches my eye and I go, Woah.
My bottom line here is: I can understand your feeling of needing help. I have felt that way in the past. I often talk to my fiancee about how I feel about being in a lesbian relationship but not identifying as queer (because I don't; not really. I identify as 'me'.). You are you. We all have weird little quirks and quarks. It's what makes us all so darn sexy and loveable and frustrating and endearing. I would just embrace whatever comes and follow your natural instincts. Sure, be curious. But I wouldn't be too analytical or hard on yourself. We like what we like. It doesn't always make sense. So often I wish I was just either 'gay' or 'straight'. I feel like it would help me have more of a clear self-identity. But I'm not. I'm all over the map with my sexuality. And it's okay.

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Default Jun 29, 2013 at 06:49 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by TanTran View Post
Still, I do occasionally see men who I find attractive
I am a white woman and I find women attractive, and, like you, my eyes somehow discriminate based on race even though I am not a racist on any conscious level but quite the opposite. I find some White women attractive, oftentimes find East Indian women attractive, some African American women... very rarely Asian women (but do, at times, find them attractive).

Sexually, I am 150% straight (not by choice, obviously) in that I cannot even imagine doing anything physical with a woman and the mere thought of contact with, ahem, bodily fluids of a woman or her private anatomy or any of that... I never even try to imagine what it would be like - my mind and imagination stop there. But esthetically I find women attractive and appreciate the sensuality and sexuality I see in them A LOT. But, no touching. Absolutely no touching - I can appreciate from a distance and that is it.

My mother told me that I had a boyfriend in preschool, with caresses and all, but I do not remember that far back. I do remember various relationships with boys (nothing genital but lots of action, oral and written love confessions and all of that) starting in first grade. Always boys. No girls.

I sometimes find men attractive, but never find them as attractive, esthetically, as women. Not by a long shot. But I do have all sorts of relationships with them, while acknowledging that somehow god or whatever or whoever did not give them as much physical attractiveness or esthetic beauty as he / she/ it/ they/ whatever gave women.

I would love to be like spondiferous and just relate to every individual person as a unique individual not based on gender, but I cannot - I am the way I am.

I am afraid that you are also the way you are and it cannot be much helped by your admirable cognitive attempts.
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Default Jul 01, 2013 at 05:28 AM
  #5
With respect, it's not clear to me that you need help at all

Wanting to have a family is fine and admirable and something we have in common, but if you haven't met your partner(s) yet, then you know nothing about them yet - not even their gender. As the proverb goes, "if you want to make God laugh - tell him your plans". I'm not agreeing with the "you can learn to like it" crowd exactly, since they're a little creepy, but I'm not sure what the problem is. If you're MOSTLY attracted to girls, then you'll PROBABLY be far more involved with them, but it's a question that doesn't need answering until you have a serious candidate. Once you have a serious candidate, your feelings will likely make the answer clear enough. And you're right, being honest with probably-her is the only completely mandatory thing, there's workarounds for everything else.

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