Doctor visit triggered a fantasy

About a month ago I went to a primary care physician for the first time (I just recently stopped seeing my pediatrician). I always get very nervous about going to the doctors. It has been an issue for as long as I can remember, and I skipped a few years when I was a kid because I convinced my parents I didn't need to go. The nurse asked if I wanted a pap smear, which freaked me out because I wasn't expecting that at all. To be honest, I didn't think primary care doctors did that exam. Anyway, I declined but it shook me up and I imagined that I might have to fight my doctor on it when she came in, so I prepared all kinds of things I would say. Luckily, she didn't push the issue.

Anyway, my doctor commented on my nervousness when she was taking my blood pressure, so I guess I didn't hide it very well. Then she said she was going to do a breast exam. My pediatrician had always very briefly felt around under the robe and that was that (which was embarrassing enough). But I was alarmed when this doctor exposed me and even worse when she put my arm behind my head. It made me feel humiliated and defenseless, but I let her do it. Afterwards, I felt very disturbed and couldn't stop thinking about it. Even with everything on, I felt exposed all day and I felt like I had been raped on some level (though of course, I experienced nothing even close to someone who had actually been raped- I just mean that I felt powerless and taken advantage of in the situation). I completely understand logically that I blew this out of proportion. My doctor was nice, friendly, and professional. I guess I was caught off guard not knowing what would happen.

After that happened (but definitely not during), on some level I also kind of liked it. I had a phase where I masturbated about 3 times a day, which is a lot for me. I started reading stories online about people being turned on by doctors. It has been weeks and though I don't really think about the specific incident anymore and no longer have fresh feelings of shame about it, the doctor fantasies have stuck with me. I guess I'm just wondering if this is normal, and why you might think this has happened. I feel uneasy and weird about it.

You have a serious fear of hospitals. You've been avoiding them for years and you felt like you've been taken advantage of which isn't remotely true. It is your job to make sure you are comfortable and to know exactly what they are doing. Not all doctors tell you what they are doing because they assume you know what's going on. I didn't know that when I got my first gyno check up and I started crying when she put that thing inside me and put her finger inside me. She never told me what was happening and then she asked me if I had been raped before because I was crying so much which was embarrassing for me. But it was my fault that I didn't ask her to explain it to me.

I don't think this thread is really about fantasies, it is about your fears. I would see your therapist about it because it's not normal to be that afraid of the doctors at your age, especially now that you are at the age when you need to be seen by the gyno regularly and have things those things inserted inside you.

My initial fear of seeing the gyno was that I had never been fingered before and I was conflicted by how this affects me sexually. But I just remind myself that she is only checking to make sure that I am normal, nothing else. But yes, before I had my appointments I would have fears/fantasies that I might enjoy being touched that way.

Doctor fantasies in itself are common, but you are fantasizing because you are afraid. You are afraid of being vulnerable and that the doctor might try to seduce you or touch you inappropriately. This is something you need to see your therapist about.

I cannot address fantasies, but I will address the reality part:

Your parents were somewhat careless. A kid does not decide whether she needs to go. Also, when you say, "did not need to go", you are assuming that going to doctors is about fixing problems. It is not only about that and even more NOT about that - the foundation of good healthcare is prevention, which is why the visits to which your parents should have taken you but did not take you are called "WELL CHILD VISITS". When you are a woman, you will have "WELL WOMAN CHECKUPS". You will also need yearly skin exams done by dermatologists, to catch skin cancer early when it can be helped (later on, it cannot). Pregnant women go to prenatal care visits. People get immunizations in order not to get sick or spread disease, and not because they are ill.

So the first thing for you is to realize that throughout your life, you will need to see healthcare professionals in order to avoid big trouble.

The second thing for you is to ask the GP to review your immunization chart, to make sure that the lapses of your parents have not resulted in your not having been vaccinated (I am not sure but I think you might have missed the meningitis vaccine and you most definitely need to make sure you are current on Gardasil).

PAP smear is a very simple and ancient test. It is straightforward and routine and primary care doctors are as trained to do that as are OB-GYNs or nurse practitioners at Planned Parenthood.

She was, in my opinion, a bit weird to ask whether you wanted a pap smear because a pap smear is not exactly "do you want paper or plastic?" kind of thing. I assume that due to your age, you are not due to have a pap smear until you are sexually active. Since a random teenage patient who walks into the office cannot be assumed to know that, the relevant question should have been "Are you sexually active?" and not "Do you want a pap smear?". So, that is very weird and, I would, unprofessional as well.

The point is actually to be honest with the doctor, rather than to try to hide things from her. Also, your parents, or their insurance company, will pay for this visit. A doctor is a paid helper (in reality and not in fantasy life) and not an authority figure.

I find the whole story unbelievable, since in my 20+ years in the US, in different states, with three pregnancies etc etc and lots of healthcare, I have never once not been told what would happen. In fact, I rush my current GP whom I have known since 2006 with: "I am OK go on I do not need to hear that." because by now it is irritating and pointless.

So although she was nice, she was unprofessional twice:

- did not tell you what to expect
- asked you a stupid question about the PAP smear

Since she is a doctor and not, say, a neighbor, "nice" is not enough and you need "professional" ==:>please try to see somebody else next time. If you can, go to Planned Parenthood which would have midwives and nurse practitioners and doctors who work specifically with women, specifically with women's issues, and know what they are doing. And I hope that at PP they would find about about whether you are sexually active rather than ask "paper or plastic?"

But all of that can wait - you do not need another visit for another year unless you become sexually active. So that is no rush. Just make sure you are up to date on the shots.

Thanks for your reply! I think I may have explained it a little wrong because I haven't exactly been avoiding doctors for years- I have avoided them before because my parents let me, but that was a long time ago. And I don't actually think I have been taken advantage of, though those illogical feelings have arisen.

I have never gotten a gyno exam, but I would be horrified too. Maybe doctors don't always explain what is going on well enough because they have done it so many times before that they can't always understand how potentially embarrassing it could be for someone. I don't know if I could ever talk to my T about this, but I do know that my fear is excessive, so I will think about it.

Interesting, so you think I fantasized about it because I am so afraid. Maybe the fantasies were a way of trying to feel okay about what happened? Thanks for your help.

hamster-bamster: Thanks for taking the time to reply. I guess my parents were careless, although I only missed a couple years and not consecutively. I always got all of my immunizations. But I think my dad planted a seed of mistrust about doctors in me, so I do sort of feel like I have to protect myself when I go. You're totally right that I see my doctor as an authority figure and not exactly as a helper, though I understand that I shouldn't.

Now that you say it, the "paper or plastic" question does seem a little unprofessional, though it was the nurse that asked that. The doctor asked me if I had been sexually active at least. And yes, she did not tell me that she was going to lower my robe before she did it. She helped me take my arm out first, and I was still covered. I thought that she just needed my arm out for better access underneath, but then she lowered the robe and didn't tell me she was going to. Maybe it's my fault I didn't put two and two together though. But my pediatrician handled breast exams differently.

I am glad you are current on the shots and all!

I can offer the following: doctors have a fairly privileged position in American society and enjoy higher salaries and all, and that might contribute to your seeing the doctor as an authority figure. Going with mid-level professionals (called midwives and nurse practitioners) who are more like "the rest of us real people" due to their less privileged social status MIGHT help you perceive them correctly - as helpers rather than authority figures. Just a thought. Plus, if you do that and then, when you get older and might get pregnant, you would be a natural candidate for midwifery care for pregnancy and childbirth, and midwifery care for no-complication cases is better than doctor care in many respects, so it would be a win for you. So try PP next time. Plus, there is the benefit of high experience there because people at PP do those kind of things all day long and a general practitioner does not - she needs to also treat diabetes and strep throats.

In any event, you seem to be OK and clear on what was real and what was your perception. I think it will be easier next time because you have a clear picture in your mind now of what will be happening.