Your views on fetishes and the BDSM lifestyle

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Phreak-- i agree fully. A few things i consider though:
Emotionally he has stopped being there for me for about 4 years. He gets angry with me for my tendencies to emotionally over react. As a result i began pulling away from him some time ago. We have some great conversations about spirituality, life, world issues... in many ways he is like my best friend. My best friend whom i am not intimate with. I have felt lonely and detached for awhile. Being detached was the only way i felt i could deal with his lack of availability. And the sub/dom puts such an ease on my desire for emotional regulation.
Also, the person i am involved with is married and is very good to his wife which i respect, i would have a hard time submitting to a man that did not put his wife as #1. Ground rule is rl comes first. Always. His wife knows that he is a Dom, she is Vanilla and lets it be. I don't want to be His f/t. We life in different countries we are 20 years apart in age, i have young children whom i would not live that sort of lifestyle with 24/7 unless it was with their own father and the sexual nature was completely kept to the bedroom.
Years ago i would have just slept around, bouncing from man to man to get what i felt i need.
Now, at 40, i am living a double life, yes. But it means that my children get to have the best dad in the world around them all the time. Means the world to me.
Husband and i still laugh, joke and rarely fight.
And.. the way i switch and change as time passes, its very possible i may tire of my Dom.

I don't have any fetishes but naturally have likes and dislikes. My view/advice on fetishes is - as long as it doesn't interfere with your life, doesn't hurt your partner its fine. Sometimes a fetish can box a person in where they can't feel excitement if the fetish isn't present. Since someone here has a foot fetish I'll stay away from saying a certain fetish is odd out of respect.

Harley mentioned "sounding" - the old saying "you learn something new everyday" is so true because I've never heard of this. I'd draw a line of this one, since it could be painful and dangerous -infection and injuring the urethra. Some people really struggle with their fetishes and feel shame. One example is a diaper fetish and the more a person tries to stifle it....the worse the urge gets.

Regarding the BDSM lifestyle - its fine as long as all are consenting and there's no lasting pain or injury. There should be an agreement beforehand, along with a "safe word" to stop the act if the partner changes their mind or wants an action stopped.

Perhaps somebody who by admission is not into fetishes should be hesitant before giving advice to others.

Whilst safewords can be useful, the traffic light system is better in my opinion.

Safewords can be incredibly dangerous. Having good communication and judgement is far more important.

Having a safeword can lead the inexperienced to not use commonsense and judgement. I.e. Continuing to whip somebody to the point they're so high on endorphorines that they don't actually want you to stop.

Oh you didn't know that? Exactly!

I think it's okay, Phreak. I asked everyone for their opinions, and she is looking to be educated, so really she is only stating what she knows.

To be honest, I've never heard of the traffic light system. Perhaps you can educate us on this subject?

Red = stop
Amber =slow down/ not so hard or whatever
Green = everything is okay.

Maybe I over reacted slightly, but people incorrectly relying on safewords can be a really serious issue with incredibly serious consequences.

Sorry, I guess I'm currently employing less self restraint than normal

If you love your husband then perhaps try relationship therapy to resolve the vanilla issues. It's not fair on you to be in an emotionally unconnected relationship. Lots of people do choose to stay together for the sake of the children. Whatever you decide to do your children will still have your wonderful husband as their father, and you as their incredible father

Ultimately look after yourself

I do have personal experience of online D/s relationships, so I have been there. Fortunately you're a lot older than I was

Just because I'm not into fetishes doesn't mean I can't have opinions and try to help. I also don't claim to know everything. Agreeing to a safeword is better than nothing for someone trying it 1st time like Illegal Toilet. Dr. Skipper didn't say "only people who have fetishes can answer." The traffic light system are still safe words, to make sure no one regrets anything.

There are some people who've posted questions here and in the Q&A section, who feel ashamed of their fetishes. There's been 2 cases of men here posting about diaper fetishes and they were so worried about being called a weirdo - I had empathy and welcomed them here. People can take or reject what I have to say, but I have a fair amount of life wisdom to pass on. All I was saying - fetishes are fine as long as no one gets hurt.

Lynn, I'm sorry.

That's okay Phreak and thank you.

Thought we could use some humor in this. I heard the other day on the radio - in Japan a new trend has started - its "eyeball licking". Leave it to them for starting strange new trends - they also started the Bagel Head. They inject saline solution similar to an IV in the forehead. When the forehead is full, they press a dent and hence the Bagel Head.

Japan scares me in every single way.

My worst fetish is probably knife play.

There is some really cool anime porn though.

I know with knife play some people get off on the percieved fear. Others on the sensation of the cold steel touching them. There's also some skillful cutting as well I believe? It's not an area I know much about tbh.

Being suspended by flesh hooks can look quite cool, it actually hurts more pushing things through the skin from the inside than from the outside. Not that I've used flesh hooks. I've played with needles and pins a bit though

Anime porn is stupid. It's a cartoon, not a real person.

I like the touch of cold steel. I like the sting. Things like kissing her while she cuts my leg.

I like Anime Porn

Phreak-husband doesn't want to go for counseling because as far as he is concerned i am the one with mental problems.

But thank you.
Just taking it a day at a time. One day it will probably come out. And i do verbalize well, am rather capable of getting my point out without being hurtful. So, when that day comes, i will handle it as well as possible.

I just don't get animated porn I guess. It's paint and paper. Not human flesh you'd actually want to touch.

I like porn in books too though, erotic stories, imagery.. can't really touch that either

You could try turning it around. Tell him he's right, but you need his help so that you can improve yourself to help make him more satisfied with you.

Clearly it's not you, it's both of you, but guys like being needed. Also you're luring him under the guise of sorting yourself out to make him happier.

I guess it's true about people with BPD we do know how to manipulate (I have BPD)

Ultinately you can only bang your head against a wall so much before getting bored and giving up - just wish you luck with it.

I'm not into those either. I guess I just like real visuals. Everything else comes up short for me.

---- that is such a 'sub' way to handle a situation like that. Almost like topping from the bottom I'm having a very emotionally unwell day and i read that and totally laughed. thank you.

Well I assumed the other option of "it's booked, you're coming, end of discussion" would in this situation be less likely to work.

Know thy enemy, play to thy adversaries weakness.

After all you'd already tried the proper way of doing things - honest, direct discussion.

Oh and you're welcome