How about this one !

Any ideas on how to deal with this ? The short version. 10 yrs ago I got hurt at work. Wound up having back surgery. Wound up losing job. Have been disabled for 10 yrs. Pain meds destroyed my sexual capabilities. She said don't worry about it. Wound up pretty much self imprisoned since it was hard for me to do anything. Meds put me in fog. Almost died a few times. Had no life whatsoever. Live in the sticks. Time goes on and we wound up " drifting apart ". He was working and had a life. She lived thru a disease that destroyed her hormones.
Also had procedure which takes all of a woman's sex organs inside. Now definitely no hormones. Scared to take replacements. I understood . After about 9 yrs of this I find out my testosterone level is 0.start getting monthly shots to replace. At same time I change pain doc and get off off muscle relaxant that had me zoned out. I AWOKE !!! Now I want sex with my wife but she won't let me touch her. Said she did'nt like it anymore. The kicker though is that she also won't hug, kiss, or show any affection. Do hormones take that away too ?
I haven't had any comfort or physical affection from my wife for at least 8 yrs.
I never cheated. I just want her but she don't want me. She swears there's no one else. ??? Is 59 old ? She just wants to co-exist. I've threatened to divorce her but she STILL won't change. I'm done. Literally.

I'm sorry I don't have any insight into your situation, but I would like to offer you a ((hug)).

Threats in general cannot engender affection and desire, and threats of divorce are no exception.

Normally, when people do not have desire for one another but want to co-exist, they open up the marriage, because they do not want to imprison one another in this kind of existence devoid of affection and touch. It is a little weird that she did not offer that herself, because, it seems to me, if you have a husband who has nearly died many times and who has lived through so much pain, torment, hardships, and despair, but then has found a solution and has been awakened - sexually, you would rejoice and either praise God if you believe in God or just consider yourself and such a husband very lucky if you do not believe in God. You do not say to such a person - stop touching me and let us just co-exist. You might say "I do not want you to touch me, but I do want to keep living with you, and since you want sex, the only option for us is to open up the marriage so that you can have a lover (lovers) who would want to have sex with you, while I continue to be your non-sexual live-in partner. That said, I would understand if you do not want this kind of co-existence and would rather divorce me and find a woman for a traditional relationship in which people live together and have sex. It is your choice and I will respect either way you choose".

So to the extent that you might possibly consider making love to another woman, an open marriage and a divorce followed by a quest to find another woman are both viable options.

However, you wrote:

To the extent that you do not want to touch and have sex with with ANY woman other than your wife, your problem does not have solutions.

No. How could that be the case if toddlers hug, kiss, and show affection?

***

even though this seems such a doomed, sad situation with the wife, I do want to congratulate you on recovering, and wish you the best! And, maybe you can at least masturbate now, although I realize that this is not a particularly helpful suggestion, since what stands out from your post is your desire to have a human connection, replete with communication, touch, hugging, etc. You do not seem to be on a quest for more orgasms, but rather on a quest for human connection mediated by sex.

Sorry, I missed the bold part on the first reading.

As you know, the desire to give comfort and physical affection to loved ones, and, even to those whom we might not love deeply but still care about at least a bit, is not sexual in nature, and, is not even human in nature - it is just mammal. My cats give comfort and affection to me and to one another. And, of course they have all been fixed.

So when you say that you are done, literally, I think that you are saying, in essence, that you do not want to live with a woman who has not given you any comfort or physical affection for almost a decade. Many people in your shoes would react in the same way.

Also, humans have the ability to feel compassion for their loved ones, and it seems that your injury and pain should have given your wife MORE rather than FEWER reasons to give you comfort and physical affection in the PAST (before your sexual re-awakening). To the extent that she withdrew altogether rather than became more compassionate, the whole situation is weird and the wife comes across as being inhumane towards you.

That said, and being a devil's advocate, I would like to ask you if you did something (unintentionally perhaps) to cause it, because, as we know, it is really hard to live with so much pain, and you could have become embittered, easily angered, demanding, and unaffectionate yourself. Perhaps it was you who first stopped giving her comfort and physical affection? Because you say that she understood it when the meds caused the sexual problems, but why did you stop non-sexual physical contact? Could it be that you had your share of contribution to this problem? Did you withhold affection from her in the past?

Lastly, on co-existence (she says she wants to co-exist). You know those bumper stickers saying COEXIST and showing the symbols of various faiths? So, coexistence is GREAT if it is a step forward from cutting each other's throats. If Arabs and Jews could co-exist peacefully in the Middle East, that would be terrific.

But for a husband and wife, to just co-exist does not sound inspiring.

OK, you did not - I found your post on the R&S.

OK, so then it seems that the problem is that the wife cannot show emotion, that this problem is not new, and that your sexual re-awakening only served to accentuate just how big of a problem that is.

So it is basically not a sexual issue at all.

PS

There are options such as couples counseling, sex and relationship workshops and weekend getaways, books on how to improve relationships, and many more. I would think that 99% of them are waste of time and money, but perhaps I am wrong, and if you ask around for good referrals, you might get help with this. She would need to show at some minimal motivation to participate, though. To the extent that she herself offered to just co-exist, currently she lacks such minimal motivation.